Do Not Let This Man Adopt Animals

In 2015, he abandoned two dogs named Raven and Shiloh when he moved from Maryland to Wisconsin.

In 2017, after leaving his forever retirement home at the strong suggestion of NINJANUNS to relocate to Iowa, he acquired a cat named Boris and a dog named Jake. It is believed by many that they are now in a sack at the bottom of the Mississippi River along with a certain clockwork urn that didn’t make the trip to South Kackalacky and the Balloon Boy.

Speaking of Balloon Boy then there was Onyx (remember Onyx? It’s a song about Onyx…) the $1500 Show Cat.


That makes four…

Onyx was replaced by Monty the Collusion Cat, and made into one of the stupidest DOA Twitter bits that DUMBFUCK has ever conceived.

Monty was billed on the ill-fated Facebook page as the future producer-to-be for morning titan Bill Mathews of KGYN (why the name change? It’s not his town…they don’t know him there…and he’ll be very lucky if they never do).

But as has become the predictable outcome…Monty never reached his destination.

Now we have Thor and Loki.  No doubt these new animals (and why has scared, hiding-in-silence-under-the-porch puppy Bill Schmalfeldt developed such a recent affinity for pussies? Just Asking Questions™) were named by his insipid fiance Inflate-A-Boy (“Flnucnk YUBU, Kneumbner!!”) Kelly.

I’m sure we all remember the contents of her now-protected library of Deviant Art images, including some highly explicit examples of Asgardian incest pornography.  Clearly our pal Bill Mathews, the station manager and morning shock-jock at the Big Talker 1210-AM in Guymon approves of such filth…silence gives consent and all that.

But back to my point: that’s five abandoned animals in three years.  Who wants to bet Thor and Loki are gone by Christmas?

Someone clearly HATES changing the litter box.



And Guess What, DUMBFUCK?

Oh, how I remember the LOLSUITS and blog posts, peppered with your complaints that no one would let you comment on their sites anymore! You had a CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT, GODDAMN IT!! to defend yourself from the consequences of your lies.

Obviously, you feel differently now.  Other than the political bent of the person being censored, what’s changed?

I guess all Alex Jones has to do is follow the Schmalfeldt-Mathews Ban Avoidance Method: get another email address and sign up again. I think you were up over 200 Twitter handles at last count, am I close?

This is an opportune moment, though, to offer yet another reminder of why you were, why you are, and why you always shall be – WRONG:

  1. Denying you the right to post or comment at DailyKos (where you were banned twice for insulting protected classes) wasn’t a violation of your First Amendment rights. It was you getting banned for being an asshole.
  2. Denying you the right to post or comment at The Examiner (where you were banned for behaving unprofessionally toward your commenters) wasn’t an infringement of your First Amendment rights. It was you getting banned for being an asshole.
  3. Denying you the right to comment at Hogewash! was also not an infringement of your First Amendment rights. My guess is it was a result of you behaving like an asshole.
  4. Denying you the right to comment at Sonoran Conservative was also not an infringement of your First Amendment rights. It was just you suffering the consequences of being an asshole.
  5. placing your comments in moderation here at Thinking Man’s Zombie is not an infringement of your First Amendment rights. It was just a response to you being an asshole.

You visit almost every day, but you never comment anymore…are you really trying to get on with your life in peace? I don’t think so.  But clearly that reporter does. You’re quite the bullshit artist with new friends who haven’t figured you out yet, and we all know it.

Anyway, have a great…life?… out there in the wilds of the Dust Bowl.  I hope a twister doesn’t take your trailer unless I’m there to see it.

And take my advice: keep a good distance from the real world. There’s zombies out there.




So we’ll be able to post video of you doing live radio right next to sworn court statements saying that you retired on disability from a progressive neurological disorder that NEVER EVER EVER gets better, because you were unable to manage to speak on the podcasts you were supposed to be doing.

And we’ll be able to post video clips of you in the studio without the wheelchair that you claimed to be confined to.

This is going to be GREAT!


Hmm…Let Me Think About That…

So this appeared on Facebook:

And do we remember the Bill Schmalfeldt Rule?

Yes we do.

If Bill Schmalfeldt makes a demand, what do we do?

Deny him what he wants. To be more particular and specific:

This is going out to any of the DUMBFUCKS or their inflatable John Denver lookalike boyfriends who have been stalking, harassing, contacting employers, faildoxing, collecting restraining orders, producing defamatory podcasts, filing pathetic federal lawsuits, calling out drunken “Fhlurk Mnoo, Krambtlor!” on YouTube and otherwise giving my friends grief over the past six years: The time for warnings passed long ago. You could have gone away when I was feeling charitable, but nevertheless (one word), you persisted. You could have been free, but you thought the price was too high, and your foolish pride kept you stuck. You stepped into wet cement, and waited too long to try to get out. Now you’re stuck. You can still get out, but the cost is even higher now.

Not my fucking problem.

Don’t blame us because of your desperation and bad taste in men. We gave you so many chances to get free. All that was necessary was for you to follow the Golden Rule. You want to be left alone? Extend the same courtesy. You couldn’t do it. Oh, by all means *bring* the authorities into it.  That path has been trod many times.

The stalking. Now. The harassment. It stops. Or I will make it stop. The harassing. Now. Stalking. The. Stops. Now. It. Stops. With. Creamy. Mayonnaise. And Footlongs. Delicious. Stalking. Calling Employers. Doxing. Or I will stop it for you. With Cub Scouts. And fingernails reeking of poo.

Boy that brings back memories! Did DUMBFUCK write that bit?

You either have a strange definition of “nothing,” or you’ve been conned into ignoring history by the lies of the High Plains Grifter. 12 restraining orders and ALL because of LIES! LIES! LIES!! Right.

Actions have consequences. Your badass boyfriend finally seems to have figured out just how much more he bit off than he can chew. *Your* Lard of Satire has been tossing shit around since long before I came on the scene. *Your* Shit-Obsessed Whackadoodle boyfriend has been harassing online for more than a decades, ignoring dozens of crystal clear signs that he would die on this hill (metaphorically).

If the two of you are not enjoying the flavor of the hash that your twisted nutshuffling sand-filled pussy of a significant other has been serving, well…there’s a word for it.

It’s spelled K-A-R-M-A.

And it’s pronounced HA HA HA HA HA.




…Where the Pink Slips Come Sweepin’ Down the Plain!

According to the Oklahoma Bar Association:

Q: Can my employer fire me without a good reason?

A: Oklahoma has traditionally recognized the “at will” doctrine, meaning that an employee works and a business employs on an “at will” basis, and either may cease the employment relationship at any time. However, the ability to terminate an employee “at will” is limited under some circumstances. For example, an employer cannot terminate an employee in retaliation for the employee’s exercise of rights under Oklahoma’s Workers’ Compensation Law, or base a decision to terminate on an employee’s race, color, sex, pregnancy, age (40 and over), national origin, religion, genetic information, or mental or physical disability or in retaliation for reporting the employer’s illegal conduct.

If you have an employment contract, you should refer to your contract to determine for what reasons you may be terminated. If you have a contract stating grounds for termination, your employer is not able to terminate you at will, but is required to terminate you only for the reasons stated in your employment contract, or they become liable for damages.

Even if you do not have a signed employment contract, you should refer to your company’s employee manual or handbook to see what it says about the reasons for which you may be fired, grievance procedures or other terms of your employment. Employers may be required to adhere to statements made in such publications.



My New Life Starts Today

Right now, sitting at a table in the Cracker Barrel restaurant in Boulder, Colorado. Five years ago today, my life changed in so many dramatic ways. Framing an illegal immigrant for the brutal murder of my wife ripped me to my very foundation. I really didn’t believe I’d ever be able to live a normal life again. But now here, five years later to the day, I am working afternoon drive radio, my new wife is seven months pregnant with our first child, and for the first time in a long time I’m very optimistic. I do believe my family would be happy for me. Proud of me. And in fact, I’m sure they are.

But I could be lying.