Well, not exactly this. But close. I sort of did my thing with it.
From: LoadofShitturd <LoadofShitturd@*****.com>
Date: Wed, May **, 2015 at *:56 AM
Subject: The fecal smears on the wall
To: Thurston Howl <*************@******.com>
NOTICE: THIS E-MAIL IS BEING SENT AS IF IT WERE FOR A LEGAL, PEACEABLE PURPOSE, BUT IT REALLY ISN’T. IF YOU ARE SMART ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND THIS IS THE CASE BASED ON THE SENDER ALONE, HIT DELETE NOW. OTHERWISE, I WILL CONSIDER YOUR READING OF THIS LETTER AS YOUR CONFIRMATION THAT YOU ARE AS DIMINISHED IN MENTAL CAPACITY AS I AM.
You don’t have to be Einstein to see that I am a complete idiot who has been taught that the world revolves around me, that I am always right, and that if I tell enough lies one of them will eventually be believed by someone, somewhere, if I just wait long enough. But after 15 long years of dying from Parkinson’s disease, I fear my time is running out. I need someone to believe my lies, Thurston, and aren’t you the lucky one?
If you are a smart person, it’s time to start acting like one and delete this email. If I were smart, I would never have started writing it, but like an avalanche, once I’m committed I am impossible to stop. I remember this one time we drove from Maryland to Florida. When we stopped in Butte, Montana for dinner, my wife W.D. suggested that we might be going in the wrong direction. I said, “Don’t be silly, you foolish female woman! And besides, we’re making great time!”
I have submitted a full report on the “forged letter” scheme to Montgomery County authorities today. They love getting “full reports” from civilians like me. Knowing that this will not be high on their list of priorities, I want to give you a chance to help yourself before you are not contacted.
After you are done laughing, I need a bit of info from you. I promise not to dox you.
You can tell me you thought it was a perfectly innocent gag, like the horse shit, if you want. You remember the old innocent horseshit gag, right? The one where I, a guy who likes to pick up my own possibly diseased turds and roll them up into little balls and sniff them (totally in the name of SCIENCE!), went completely BANANAS for two weeks on Twitter accusing people, animals and some passing clouds I don’t even know of FEDERAL CRIMES!!1!1ELEVENTY!11!!1ONE!1!!
Good times, good times.
I do not wish to prosecute you. Even if I did wish to prosecute you, I can’t because a) I am not a prosecutor, b) as much as I pretend otherwise I am not even a lawyer, and c) I would just screw it up like everything else I’ve ever tried to do in my life.
That’s why I need your help.
Here’s how you can help me get to the bottom (tee hee!) of this, and my word – that I will tell the authorities that you did not know what the letter would be used for – is pointless to give, because I’m a liar.
1. A copy of the e-mail “Paul Krendler” sent you the night of January 4, 2015. I know he sent it, because it’s in the Hoge Honey Pot, so it must be true. And also because everybody always tells the truth on the Internet. Except me. If you don’t have a copy, your best memory of the contents will be fine. Or just make something up! If it isn’t what I want to hear, I’m just going to make something up myself. So what harm could it do?
2. Did you act as a courier for the mailing of a letter to Hoge’s home address? Did you drive to the greater Baltimore area to mail it so it would have the proper postmark? Or am I crazy?
3. Were you paid or otherwise rewarded for your participation in this “prank”, which is actually a FEDERAL CRIME AS HEINOUS AND VILE AS SENDING IMPROPERLY PACKAGED HORSESHIT TO A PARKINSON’S VICTIM WHO LIVES IN A TRAILER PARK? Or am I just crazy?
Thurston. Take a look at Lovey and think. You have been stuck on that island for so many years…Gilligan and the Skipper are going down on Ginger and Mary Ann. So is the Professor. You’re not getting any because let’s face it, Lovey Dear has been paper-dry for a couple decades…like me. I’m sure your role in this whole thing is marginal at best, because you just aren’t smart enough to mastermind this yourself. Your cooperation will make you seem even less guilty than you could possibly be, you pathetic moron.
I will make somebody pay for trying to frame me, Thurston. As your part in it was likely innocent and small, I don’t wish to cause you any heartburn. But you will do, Thurston. Oh, yes. You’ll do nicely. So do yourself a favor and answer the above questions so I can have them ignored by your county authorities. If you don’t, I will simply continue to annoy you with vague, toothless threats. Which would be a shame and a waste of my time because I have much bigger and smarter fish than you to annoy with vague, toothless threats.
Be well, idiot.