An Open Letter to Bill Schmalfeldt

Over at BlubberSuesBloggers, Flynn has posted a letter from Bill Schmalfeldt.

It reminded me of something I wrote back when he was having issues with copyright ownership of the first post on this blog.

It had been a comment but grew too long.  I put it aside and by the time I came back to it the moment had passed. But Bill’s strange letter to Flynn deserves a response. So here it is, after the jump: Continue reading “An Open Letter to Bill Schmalfeldt”

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Thanks For Putting 'Axis of Weevils" on the NYT Bestseller List

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I only hope you purchased 10,000 copies to actually read about my repeated butthurt over the epic pwnage I have suffered at the hands of legitimate copyright owners. But, if like in the past, the book is being purchased by people who will go through it page by page looking for reasons to get it thrown off the bookshelves (what am I saying? Only REAL, PRINTED books sit on bookshelves! My puny little cyberfile never will. I can’t afford the expense of writing a real book, I’m ridiculously indigent, and I hope the judge notices) like they did with my previous books, a little something to keep in mind:

It costs me nothing to publish these books. A fine reflection of their actual worth, when you think about it.

This book costs you $00.10. Even if, as in the past, as in the present, as in the future, you find reasons to take the book off the shelves hard drive and induce another case of EPIC butthurt, I will just remove the one violation you note, save the manuscript under a new cover with all the other violations intact, and upload it again. For nothing.

In both a financial and existential sense.

Meanwhile, when you purchase the book for no other reason than to induce this man of the cloth to fill that cloth with fear pee, bigs and butthurt, and as a side benefit to boot it from the shelves hard drive, you’ve spent 10¢, put 4¢ in my pocket, and if it gets pulled from the shelf computer I’ll just have it back up there in a couple days.

And believe me, there are always more Depends.

And round and round we go until you complain about each and every violation, and the 767th version is just a 64 word pamphlet not worth the electrons it takes to store it. And the used Depends mount to the roof of the trailer like a snowdrift of Big Business. Because I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to play puhrtend awther and do the hard stuff it takes to actually write a good book – like, actually write something.

No one is accusing me of being intelligent. But if hundreds, perhaps thousands of legitimate copyright owners really want to give me pennies to NOT publish a book (oh, and don’t forget the desperate and incurable INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EPIC HEMORRHOIDAL BUTTHURT, which I secretly enjoy, and isn’t THAT pretty strange for guy who spends all his time on his ass to begin with) – why don’t we just cut out the middle man? Just give your money to my sekrit benefactor now and save yourself the effort of filing a thousand copyright claims. In fact, how about this: since I only make 4¢ a book, why not donate a nickel to the tip jar for every 5 days I stay offline? It’s what you really want anyway, and look, I finally found a way to monetize something everyone wants me to do anyway!

Doesn’t that make good sense?

Unless it really is all about the butthurt (mmmm…I do love the butt stuff!), in which case, rock on.

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Axis of Weevils

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About the author:
Parkinson Williams was once a tiny, tiny cog in the machinery of a massive federal bureaucracy, retired after 14 fruitless years of fighting for a promotion. He now tilts against similar windmills in an ongoing but similarly fruitless effort to insult, abuse, offend, attack, slur, shame, humiliate, degrade, discredit, defame, libel, harass, torment, oppress, browbeat, persecute, bully, embarrass, threaten, frighten and intimidate anyone who says an unkind word against him, because he is a special, special snowflake with a mean streak almost as wide as the brown one inside his Depends.


Axis of Weevils

How A Small Army of Insects Chews Through My Shorts and Gives Me An EPIC Case of Butt Hurt Every Time I Self Publish a Book That Violates Their Copyright & Why My Inability To Come Up With An Original Thought Is Rotting My Brain From The Inside Out

Authored by Parkinson Williams


“We have received yet another notice from a third party regarding copyright concerns over your book. This is four times in a row. What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? We are getting sick and goddamn tired of putting up and pulling down these ‘books’ of yours. Please be advised, YET AGAIN, that copyright concerns are NOT OUR PROBLEM, and we are NOT GOING TO EXPOSE OURSELVES TO LIABILITY because YOU are TOO FREAKIN’ STUPID to consider the possibility that maybe the CTRL-C/CTRL-V method of writing and publishing is NOT THE OPTIMAL WAY to get a book into the market successfully! Thus we are obligated YET AGAIN, to remind you YET AGAIN that we have, and will continue to, remove your books from our systems until you can GET YOUR SHIT STRAIGHT and resolve the conflict with the other party.

Once more, a reminder: NOT OUR PROBLEM, IDIOT. We didn’t make this mistake. YOU DID.

FIX IT.

AND QUIT WHINING TO US ABOUT IT.

SHUT UP.”

That’s how the e-mail begins, every time. What it means is that someone made a claim to the self-publishing website that you have violated their copyright. The self-publishing website compares the material provided by the claiming party to the material in the book to which the claiming party refers. If the material compared is the same, the website has no responsibility or even interest in determining if the claim is legitimate. Their responsibility and interest is in avoiding liability. So, they get a complaint, they check the material, and Zip! Boom! Bang! Ka-Zowie! Blam! BAT-MAAAAAAAN!! Your book, the product of hour upon painstaking hour of repetitive CTRL-C & CTRL-V keystroking, is gone!

This would be fine if you were able to contact the person with the claim and resolve the differences. Or if you had the self-control to avoid using someone else’s material in the first place, or the lucidity to consider asking for permission before the fact, or the required infinitesimal fragment of wisdom required to perhaps think maybe it’s not such a good idea at all. But when the person who makes the claim, whose material you stole, is a political enemy you have been trying unsuccessfully to (CTRL-C/CTRL-V) insult, abuse, offend, attack, slur, shame, humiliate, degrade, discredit, defame, libel, harass, torment, oppress, browbeat, persecute, bully, embarrass, threaten, frighten and intimidate for 18 months, who has a “no contact order” against you – which really ought to be a hint that you have already crossed the Hmm-I’m-probably-about-to-screw-the-pooch-here-and-should-really-rethink-this-course-of-action line – then it’s impossible to work out the differences, and your book is dead.

But how is that YOUR fault?

This is Parkinson Williams’ fifth attempt to publish this book. The first time, he stole a ONE SENTENCE post, along with the 107 comments attached, from that selfsame political enemy he continues to try to (CTRL-C/CTRL-V) insult, abuse, offend, attack, slur, shame, humiliate, degrade, discredit, defame, libel, harass, torment, oppress, browbeat, persecute, bully, embarrass, threaten, frighten and intimidate. The second time, he stole an entire post (minus the context) from an anonymous blogger who then sold the relevant rights to protect himself from the inevitable effort to identify and then (CTRL-C/CTRL-V) insult, abuse, offend, attack, slur, shame, humiliate, degrade, discredit, defame, libel, harass, torment, oppress, browbeat, persecute, bully, embarrass, threaten, frighten and intimidate that blogger, and caused CreateSpace and Amazon to cease publication. The third time, he used a photo of the newborn infant of another enemy he wanted to (CTRL-C/CTRL-V) insult, abuse, offend, attack, slur, shame, humiliate, degrade, discredit, defame, libel, harass, torment, oppress, browbeat, persecute, bully, embarrass, threaten, frighten and intimidate. CreateSpace and Amazon collapsed like a folding chair in an Elkridge trailer park. The fourth time, he took a photo of a stupid, icky girl he wanted to (CTRL-C/CTRL-V) insult, abuse, offend, attack, slur, shame, humiliate, degrade, discredit, defame, libel, harass, torment, oppress, browbeat, persecute, bully, embarrass, threaten, frighten and intimidate – a photo the woman had taken by her mother specifically to provide for that newspaper’s limited usage – who ran in a local election in 2011. Amazon, CreateSpace and Lulu.com didn’t even bother to ask him, probably because of the reputation for idiocy and theft that he had very rapidly generated within the offices of these publishers. They just checked the material and took the book down, because the complaint was valid.

Something needs to change. People are using the federal copyright laws to prevent writers like Parkinson Williams from stealing other people’s copyrighted material to make specious, false, hypocritical and ultimately useless arguments using circular logic and false narratives (SWIDT?) to paint themselves as pathetic victims trying to wake up – if they’re lucky – three readers in a sleepy nation of 318 million to the threat of the insults, abuse, offense, attacks, slurs, shame, humiliation, degradation, discreditation, defamation, libel, harassment, torment, oppression, browbeating, persecution, cyberbullying, embarrassment, threats, frightening and intimidation that they have been perpetrating against their targets for years.  This book and its four previous versions are absolute, perfect, textbook examples of those techniques.  These people that Parkinson Williams would attack simply prefer that he attempt to make his arguments with the facts, logic and reason that persistently fail to catch a toehold anywhere within the confines of his teeny weeny brain.

In this book, author Parkinson Williams argues for companies like Amazon and CreateSpace to step up and relieve him and him alone of the responsibility that rests on every other author to hire an editor/fact checker to check his material and verify that it conforms to United States Copyright Law. He believes that before these self-publishing websites agree to publish his crappy first drafts they should have some GODDAMN RESPECT for how much effort it takes to press CTRL-C & CTRL-V five hundred times to create a one hundred seventy-four page book, and undertake the extra prior effort that he can’t be bothered with, to protect themselves against his bad faith, plagiarism and outright theft instead of subjecting it to the quick death of post-publication takedown notices.

Publication Date:                         May 21 2014 through May 25 2014 (best case scenario)
ISBN/EAN13:                               1864920074/23821864920072 (I made those up, I hope they aren’t real)
Page Count:                                   174 (what a coincidence!)
Binding Type:                               Chained In A Small Box Under The House With Holes For Air & Food
Trim Size:                                      Brazilian (is that more or less than a Gajillion?)
Language:                                      Authentic Frontier Gibberish interspersed with (CTRL-V/CTRL-V) English
Color:                                              Shut Up, Racist!
Related Categories:                      Mother/Pictures/Photoshop/Quit It!

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