Speaking For Myself Alone

Because Sonoran Conservative certainly doesn’t need my help…

Fuck you, Bill.

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The Cacaphony of a Million Starlings

…is drowning out a DUMBFUCK.

THE FOLLOWING IS A PARODY.

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“Broadway” Bill Schmuckfeldt

Original (Fired) Program Director at XM Satellite Radio’s “On Broadway” Channel

Famously Banned Poster “The Jovial One.” on XMFAN.com

Tweet me up @BroadwayBill_XM – I’m so lonely! No one pays attention to me anymore.

Twitter: Millions of starlings on a telephone wire, all screaming as starlings will scream. No matter how much an individual starling (ME) cares, really cares, what he is screaming about, all anyone can hear is the cacophony of a million starlings. But not me.

Facebook:  Millions of people screaming into the same deep, black hole that everyone else is screaming into. All anyone can do is add to the cacophony. But it feels good to scream. And volunteer every bit of personal data you have to the data miners who don’t care who they sell you to, until they get busted.

Blogs: Pouring my teaspoonful of uninformed, illogical, fact-deficient opinion into the same ocean into which some idiot with a computer has already poured a billion gallons of idiocy, from a billion different abandoned blogs (and that’s just mine).

Writing for publication: Millions of tasty, mayonnaise-like sperm with the same genetic code scrambling over each other to be the first to pass my tonsils. Because after one gets in, the other millions have nothing left to do but follow. Yummy.

We live in an age where ideas are milk and mine have been sitting in the sun too long.

You think you have a new idea? You do not. It’s been thought of. It’s been done. Nobody cares. Well, that’s my experience, anyway. But my new ideas are all recycled poop jokes (no pun intended).

But if you have the money to do it, if your idea is stupid enough and soaked in the cream of SUM YUNG BOI SCOUT, you can write a book about vampires and the girls who love them who also love werewolves as long as it’s already been done successfully by someone else who had the money to make somebody care enough. (I was going to write that myself, but I was too busy making poop jokes on the internet while pretending to work for the government.)

Watch and see over the next few years how many new ideas will spring up out of nowhere about teenagers having to fight to the death for meager scraps when Stephen King did the same thing as Richard Bachmann when he wrote, “The Long Walk.” (I was going to write that, too, but I was failing high school English at the time.)

How many sequels can we expect from the Three Stooges that were dug out of their crypts, drawn in color and thrown on the screen with big money to be made from DVD and Blu-Ray sales when the original is on TV in boring but hilarious black and white every weekend? (I could write that right now and be making huge bank if I wasn’t so busy trying to repair the damage I’ve done with my decades of internet dumbfuckery.)

People want new, but they want it to be familiar. (But not too familiar.  Nobody thinks toilet humor is enough to build a whole comedy routine anymore.  Maybe they never did. I didn’t used to let that stop me. Now I just want to pee on children and Tomi Lahren.) That explains the last three decades of Broadway. It used to be you hummed the tunes on your way out of the theater. Now, if you don’t already know the tunes by heart, the musical doesn’t get made. (PLEASE SOMEBODY SEND ME TICKETS TO SEE HAMILTON! AND BUS FARE. POSSIBLY A QUART OF HORSE POOP.)

I want to feel smart, but I don’t want to think. CNN, MSNBC and other “fake news” sites make me feel “in the know” while adding nothing to the collective intelligence. (VERY MUCH LIKE ME, BECAUSE I HAVE NO INTELLIGENCE TO ADD.)

Got a movie about talking chipmunks who sing pop songs that you’ve never heard of if you’re over 40? (I’ll watch that shit until I’m drooling and comatose.) A book that will delight the eye without engaging the brain? (I have dozens more, but some are out of print because I violated copyright by plagiarizing other people’s material. So what?) A song with a good beat that you can’t dance to that sounds like every other song done in the last two years? (I have enough to put a link in every word of that sentence too, but I’m too lazy, and besides, you aren’t gonna buy anything anyway. Oh, I know people like you…) Sign here. You’re a celebrity now. People care about what you say, what you think, what you wear, what you eat, what you drink, where you go for rehab and will cry like they knew you personally when you die before your time because you couldn’t handle it without chemicals.

(GOD I WISH I COULD HAVE THAT LIFE!! Except then I’d have to stop my favorite hobbies: being dumber than dogshit on the Internet, hunting for butthurt, and losing lawsuits.  And that’s just not gonna happen.)

You got some of that stuff for us? Great.

(We never get tired of laughing at it.)

Otherwise, get your feathered ass back on the wire.

So… at the end of the day… who is the bigger fool?

<del>The starling who decides to shut his beak forever and drops from the wire to be fought over by cats? Or the starling with the dry throat, the sore and stiff wings, the cracked beak and the heavy heart that still wants to sing and chooses to do so, even though all the word will ever hear is the din of a million starlings on a telephone wire?</del>
The guy who realizes that pushing a boulder up a mountain with his face is a stupid fucking idea before he starts and walks away to find something better to do, or the guy who’s been banging his cockholster into that huge rock so hard, for so long, and has scrambled his brains and his life up so badly that he doesn’t remember that if he just walks away, the pain will stop? Maybe. IF he’s lucky.
Not that I have a choice, really, but I believe I’ll choose the latter. Because death by stubbornness is a real cool hand.
WE EXPECT NO LESS, DUMBFUCK. AS IT WAS IN THE BEGINNING, IS NOW AND EVER SHALL BE, WORLD WITHOUT END, AMEN.
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Ladies & Gents, the Comedy Genius of Bill Schmalfeldt

It’s Comedy 101, DUMBFUCK:

NEVER EXPLAIN THE JOKE.

Especially when it’s someone else’s joke.

DUMBFUCK.

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I Confess Myself Curious

…in an historical sense.

The Jovial One, aka @BroadwayBill_XM, aka (by his own admission) “Original Program Director for XM Satellite Radio’s “On Broadway” Channel,” real name Bill Schmalfeldt, latest of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, has a long, storied history as a failed litigator. It’s exponentially worse, frankly speaking, when one stops to consider how many empty threats he has made that were never followed up on.

So I’m simply curious…

Can anyone point to an earlier failure than this threat to have someone put away over the copyright to a logo that he didn’t even own?

Wotta DUMBFUCK.

Roll on, karma train.

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Totally Not Racist, Though

#tlot … NOT!

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Do You Want More Trump, Spike?

Because this is how you get more Trump:

That motherf–ker was given a chance to say we are bout love, and not hate, and that motherf–ker did not denounce the motherf–king Klan, the alt-right, and those Nazi motherf–kers,” he said.

“It was a defining moment, and he could’ve said to the world…that we were better than that.”

Irony – not just the opposite of wrinkly.

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