Juvenile? Yes. Comedy? No.

Was that song recorded by DUMBFUCK Bill Schmalfeldt and His Shadow Band?

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#Resistance Diet

I recall this coming from an old advice column (either Dear Abby or Ask Ann Landers, I don’t remember which), but considering the toll that Year One of Trump has obviously taken on the #ResistWeMuch movement, I thought this “Stress Diet” ought to be renamed the “#Resistance Diet” and shared anew:

#RESISTANCE DIET

BREAKFAST

1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat bread
8 oz. skim milk

LUNCH

4 oz. broiled chicken breast
1 C steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie
1 C herbal tea

MIDAFTERNOON SNACK

Rest of the package of Oreos
1 qt Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge
1 can of whipped cream

DINNER

2 loaves garlic bread
1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
2 bottles of wine
3 large candy bars
1 frozen cheesecake eaten directly from the open freezer, without utensils

#RESISTANCE DIET TIPS

  1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they will cancel each other out everywhere except your rotting maw, which is going to get fixed. Any day now.
  3. Calories don’t count if you eat with someone else, as long as you both eat the same amount.
  4. Food taken for medicinal purposes does not count. This includes hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Johnnie Walker (any color), Sara Lee chocolate cake, Baker’s Square pie and and milkshakes where bananas might be in the same room as the blender.
  5. If you hang around people fatter than you, you will look thinner.
  6. Snacks consumed during movies do not count because they are part of the entertainment experience. These include Milk Duds, Goobers, Raisinets, Junior Mints, Gummi Bears, popcorn with butter, Twizzlers, Skittles and M&Ms.
  7. Broken cookies contain no calories because all the calories have escaped.
  8. All the calories in a bag of chocolate chips are contained in a single morsel, so find that one and throw it away before starting. Don’t just set it aside. Remember, all your energy for #resisting should be dedicated to Trump, not Temptation.
  9. Late night snacks are also calorie free. The light from the refrigerator is not strong enough for the calories to find their way into the calorie counter. However, do be wary of turning on other lights in the kitchen.

#CandylandResists!!

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But He’s On YOOOOUUUUUUUR Side!

REBRANDING IS IMMINENT.

I REPEAT, REBRANDING IS IMMINENT!

Oh, and Twitter’s about to get sued for butthurt.

h/t to commenter Ipen.

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Two Words, DUMBFUCK:

Rent. Free.

Also, LANGSTON, if getting called out with pointage, laughery and mockification as the shitposting idiot you are bothers you, there’s a very simple solution:

Stop posting.

I’ve already told you I’m going to mock you for as long as you continue to appear online, you impotent narcissist. Did you think I wasn’t serious?

Don’t like it?

Sue me.

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Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

Oh, I don’t know…maybe Pfizer did some extensive market research and found a high percentage of alleged Parkinson’s patients see their symptoms come and go with such regularity that it’s easy to conclude they are simply faking the disease to make themselves look like victims.

Seems reasonable to me.

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Just When I Thought I Was Out…

…they pull me back in.

Nice job, Mook!

I should point out when a civilization starts rehashing and recycling old ideas they’re on the way out.

Lord, you can smell the marijuana and Doritos dust on this California gem all the way up here in Minnesota!

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You Know What I Love?

I love when a DUMBFUCK tries to insult someone’s intelligence, only to lace up the golf cleats once more and stomp his crank by fucking up the movie reference, making himself look like the idiot he is.

Stupid motherfucker.

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I Bet I Know What They Wouldn’t Find

DUMBFUCK DNA mixed with feline vaginal secretions. Final Fantasy: The Resistance ain’t gonna play itself, ya know.

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