I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter

To: CreateSpace.com

I am a blogger going by the pseudonym Paul Krendler. I blog at http://thinkingmanszombie.wordpress.com. I blog under a pen name for a reason, and I am unwilling to sacrifice my anonymity at this time, on the battlefield before me.

One of your members, William M. Schmalfeldt, Sr., has published today a title “Animus Nocenti,” what he calls a true story. While some of it may be true, most of his recollections of it will surely be fantastic fictions.

In April, he published another title called “Intentional Infliction,” in which he included a majority portion of one of my blog posts, with attribution but without permission. His goal in doing so was to force me to identify myself as required by law in the DMCA. Instead I was able to join with other like-minded netizens to thwart his blatant infringement on my copyright and maintain my anonymity.

Now, again, he has decided to “write” a book detailing legal woes of his own making, in the hope that he will so offend me that I will sacrifice my anonymity in order to force him to face some form of justice. This will not happen, because what I know of Mr. Schmalfeldt is that he tries to manipulate his enemies.

He wants me to sue him. Because to do so I must give up my anonymity, which is what he REALLY wants.

Instead of doing his bidding, I would like to remind you of several terms of your Member Agreement:

1. Mr. Schmalfeldt has agreed to abide by and comply with the Content Guidelines.
2. The Content Guidelines express that Mr. Schmalfeldt is expected to conduct proper research to ensure items sold through CreateSpace are in compliance with all local, state, national and international laws.
3. According to the member agreement, CreateSpace will immediately remove items from the service on learning that the item is not the property of the seller.
4. According to the member agreement, CreateSpace may at any time and without notice, reject, remove or refuse to list content.
5. According to the member agreement, CreateSpace may request members to provide additional information relating to Content, such as information confirming that members has all rights required to permit your distribution of the Content.
6. By consenting to the member agreement, Mr. Schmalfeldt represents and warrants that any information and documentation he provides to you will be current, complete and accurate.
7. By consenting to the member agreement, Mr. Schmalfeldt agrees that he owns all right, title and interest in and to the Content, including any copyright.
8. By consenting to the member agreement, Mr. Schmalfeldt further represents and warrants that

a. He will comply with all laws, rules, regulations, and orders of any governmental authority having jurisdiction over his performance thereunder;
b. He has all requisite right, power and authority to enter into this agreement, and perform his obligations thereunder;
c. Prior to his delivery of Content to you he has or has obtained all rights, clearances and permissions to grant the licenses he grants thereunder that are necessary for you to exercise the rights he grants under the Agreement;
d. He is granting you the rights, licenses and authorizations thereunder free and clear of any encumbrances;
e. The Content is not defamatory, libelous, obscene or otherwise illegal, does not infringe upon any Intellectual Property Right; and
f. The Content complies with all aspects of the Content Guidelines.

 9. By consenting to the member agreement Mr. Schmalfeldt agrees he will not do anything to intentionally prejudice the rights granted, but in the event that he loses any rights or other licenses, consents or permissions relating to a specific Title, he will immediately remove such Title from your Services.
10. According to the member agreement, CreateSpace may terminate this Agreement at any time by sending Mr. Schmalfeldt an e-mail notice at the e-mail address associated with his account.

In response to each of these terms, I offer in response:

1. I should hope that having done so, you will uphold your interests and see that he has and does abide and comply with the Content Guidelines.
2. Mr. Schmalfeldt may or may not have done sufficient research, but he has made no effort to ensure that his Content is in compliance with the law.
3. I have not reviewed the content in his book, but he has Tweeted that it was his intent while creating this book to freely use an unknown amount of content from my blog, whether he received permission or not. He did not receive permission. Therefore, it may be reasonably inferred as fact that significant portions of his work are neither original nor owned by him. Those portions have been stolen from me, and probably from others as well.
4. After you have performed your own investigation to confirm this, an investigation I will be happy to assist with as long as it does not compromise my anonymity, I would hope once more that you would uphold your interests and remove the Content as per the member agreement.
5. You have the option to request of Mr. Schmalfeldt additional information and documentation confirming his ownership of all rights detailed in the Agreement. Given that he has no such documentation, may I suggest you set the standard he has demanded of others in the past, and require him to produce a signed, dated and duly notarized Copyright Transfer Agreement in a timeframe sufficiently short to prove that he did not forge the same?
6. Given that he has no such documentation to confirm ownership of any material taken from my blog, you can reasonably conclude that any information and/or documentation he produces will be neither current, complete nor accurate.
7. Mr. Schmalfeldt does not own my content nor has he been assigned any rights or permission to use it. He can produce no authentic documentation stating such, and is therefore in violation of the Member Agreement.
8. Having consented to the Member Agreement, Mr. Schmalfeldt is further in violation of same in his:

a. Lack of compliance with US Copyright law;
b. Lack of right, power and authority to enter into the member agreement for the purpose of publishing material that does not belong to him;
c. Failure to obtain any rights, clearances or permissions to grant the licenses required for you to exercise the rights granted to you;
d. Granting of these rights while encumbered by the obligation to obtain permission to do so;
e. Representation that the Content is not defamatory, libelous, obscene or otherwise illegal (it may very well be obscene, depending on what content he has taken), does not infringe upon any Intellectual Property Right (having been used without permission, it most certainly DOES infringe on my right); and
f. Representation that his Content, which contains stolen property, complies with the Content Guidelines.

9. Mr. Schmalfeldt has agreed not to do anything to intentionally prejudice the rights granted, but he never held the rights to grant in the first place.
10. You have the option to terminate the Agreement at any time.

Fully realizing that because I have not given my name I may impress you only as a character as unbalanced as Mr. Schmalfeldt himself, you may choose to do nothing at this time. I understand and accept that. But I too am a CreateSpace member, and if Mr. Schmalfeldt can violate the Member Agreement with impunity and face no consequences, what am I to think? When it comes time to publish my works, will I be treated with the same permissive hand?

And if my circumstances change, and I again become more interested in protecting my copyright than in protecting my identity, then we will simply be having this conversation again, and I will constantly remind you that I suggested you undertake your own due diligence, but you chose not to do so.

Yours Truly,

Paul Krendler
The Thinking Man’s Zombie

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Do We Have A Wager?

So, the latest masturb-piece out of Elkridge weighs in at 272 pages.

Bally’s Las Vegas Sports Book he’s set the over/under on original content at 48 pages.

The under is calling me. Any takers?

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Keep a Happy Ass

Hygiene is more important today than ever. With so many people working in close quarters, one cannot take the risk of reaching into the back of one’s Depends to dig at the nasty, filthy, disease-ridden remnants of Schmalfeldt clinging parasitically to your ass.

That’s why it’s vital that every time you visit the bathroom to expel Schmilfaldt, you do the necessary paper work to wipe out every last stinky bit of Schamlfoldt that might want to take up residence close to your happy ass.

But not too much paperwork, because even though it is important to keep your ass clean, your ass is also delicate. If eliminating Shmolfladt is unpleasant and sticky, you may find yourself having to wipe more than twice, or even using a big corncob to scrape the last of the vile Scolmflodt away. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you insert the cob into your ass! While Schmilflodt is regularly entertained by such shenanigans, there are few quicker ways to irritate your ass than sticking foreign objects into the exit in search of more Shuchmalfaldt. Schlimlfasdt will always reappear on its own eventually. There is no need to go digging for it.

Wet wipes can be handy in clearing away all traces of Schmokfladt from his favorite hangout near all the assholes. Try to avoid the type with lotions because they too can cause a pain in your ass, but if it means getting rid of all the Schmucklfielt that sticks to you, a little ass pain is probably worth it. Your results may vary.

Sometimes, in very extreme cases, you may be stuck with extra-nasty Scumfelt all over your ass. In such cases, it’s best to jump in the shower to wash away the vile stuff that won’t depart any other way. No need for soap, because plenty of clean hot water will melt away that Shmellfludt like the Wicked Witch of the West, leaving your ass clean and fresh until the next unfortunate onslaught of Schmacklfledt.

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Correction

It has been previously reported in this space that a citizen of one of Baltimore’s southwestern suburbs had been wandering the streets at night to escape her smelly and disgusting spouse.

New information has come to light recently which dramatically alters the tenor of that previous reporting. Unnamed sources now tell the Thinking Man’s Zombie that there is a greater, more specific purpose to these dark night excursions.

Apparently, a certain trailer-dwelling, tubed-meat-loving troll had discovered a new and tasty condiment for his favorite snack. Hardly a new trend in America, the unnamed cyberthug discovered an affinity for cheese as well as mayonnaise on his tubed meat.

But, where most folks prefer fresh cheddar or American slices (sometimes a spicy nacho blend), this troll discovered a very special dairy delicacy, rare and especially difficult to procure in the United States.

Sometimes colloquially referred to as the Australian special, this cheese is produced in very small batches in extremely warm, moist, dark conditions. While this cheese is neither native to Australia, nor does it enjoy a special fame there, the cheese is so named because of the common label of that continent as “The Land Down Under.” The actual name of the rare condiment the wandering citizen roams the streets collecting to satisfy her spouse’s most peculiar tubed-meat cravings, is Fromunda Cheese.

The Thinking Man’s Zombie sincerely regrets the error.

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These Will Be Days Well Spent…

Apparently the goal is to spend his remaining days on this Earth calling a fictional character a butthole.

That sounds completely sane, yeah.

Doesn’t sound like fun.

But mocking the hell out of it? BIG. BIG. FUN.

And really – AGAIN with “the butt stuff?” Does the disease wipe out ALL original thought, too, or is it just that, like all demons, he only knows a few simple tricks?

Comments open for third options…

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We Didn't Start the Fire

Oh, dear. A fight. A punch has been thrown. And of course, the Fuhrer of Footlongs, the Marshall of Mayonnaise, didn’t throw it!

He would never do that. He never throws the first punch. He said so. And we know he never lies.

Apparently, calling the Walking Wiener a “cyberthug” constitutes a punch.

On Friday.

On Friday, punch thrown, fight started! Q.E.D.

Friday.

I realize I once told the old man to get a mallet, head for the nearest beach, and pound all that sand up his ass. What I didn’t know is that he missed and filled his vagina instead.

All worked up over being referred to as what he is. Boo hoo hoo.

But he doesn’t understand what’s happening. After a settlement was reached on the 14th, WJJ Hoge did indeed ask his readers, a loyal bunch if nothing else,

I recommend that Bill Schmalfeldt be given the opportunity to make the changes in his Internet presence that he described to me. He will probably be more successful in doing so if folks don’t joggle his elbow. Each person is free to speak, largely limited by their conscience and a few rules, but it may be best to give him some space for a few days to see how he does.

My feeling was very much the same. Up to a point. As a sign of good faith, I changed my Twitter avatar and stopped posting here. A show of good faith is one thing. But I am not a fool. I know the brand of monster we’re dealing with.

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I was ready and willing to leave him alone. In fact, I did.

And then this happened:

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“…or he can sell his blog.”

That quote was his next tweet, and it didn’t include my handle. He’s taken his account private again. A great way to promote his book, yeah?

Did he think I wasn’t paying attention? “Trust…but verify.”

I’m always watching. But, in good faith, in the interest of “not jostling his elbow,” I stayed my hand. I kept my peace.

On Wednesday. In good faith, I remained quiet. “Nary a peep from the boy,” said the Mooky button pusher. “Looks as though Krendler has gone private at least on Twitter,” said the silver-haired cartoon button pusher.

Yes. For four months now, dim cartoon girl.

FOCUS.

Speaking of focus, Wednesday comes before Friday, right?

Ok. Just checking.

See, on Wednesday, TWO DAYS BEFORE he was called a “cyberthug,” the cyberthug was letting his followers know that he was creating a new Ktrl-C/Ktrl-V masterpiece featuring yours truly.

Who gives a bright blue fuck what he’s going to do? Nobody’s going to read his lies but him. If it salves his microscopic black heart to fabulize his pathetic existence for an audience of zero, who am I to stop him from doing so?

Or care?

A “true” (read “bullshit”) story featuring a fictional kharacter kalled Krendler kompletely kicking his keister over a kopyright kase?

I am a character. As I said before, HE DOES NOT KNOW WHO I AM.

Oh, but he desperately wanted to, didn’t he? Oh yes, he did:

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This is something, you understand, that was sufficiently on his mind to send to me, where it remains in Moderation Purgatory (still got an outstanding question waiting for an answer), on INDEPENDENCE DAY.

But now, see, he just wants to tell the tale. He just wants the truth (read “bullshit”) out there. He no longer cares who I am!

I’m nobody.

Or am I?

Because this fight, which started Friday, was prefaced on Wednesday by this comment, which also sits in my moderation queue:

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Does that sound like a CHALLENGE?

I thought IT WAS OVER!! I thought WE SHOOK HANDS AND WALKED AWAY!!

And thank God for that. Because

HE
NEVER
STARTS
ANYTHING,
DOES
HE?

Nawwwww…

So, howzat for a gut punch, you – what’s that phrase you like so much? Oh yes – you cum gargling fuckwit?

Do you understand now, you lonely, twisted old control freak? This is what it means to have friends. You attack one, you attack us all. The enemies you have made (a/k/a the answer to the outstanding question) are EVERYWHERE. When you say “mind your own business & go back to your knitting,” we respond with hearty laugh and an even more hearty “Fuck you.”

And we always will. So get comfortable. And enjoy your websites. I do.

UPDATE – He has spoken. From the greasy, verminous, cockroach-infested garbage bins deep in the fetid, stinking bowels of cyberspace (conveniently located in a trailer park in Elkridge, MD), he left a couple small piles in Moderation Purgatory. Neither is an answer to the outstanding question, and thus both are as irrelevant and as unworthy of publication as the rest of his simian keyboard-smashings.

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