Good Evening, DUMBFUCK!

How about you throw us a bone?

How are you doing in that doomed lawsuit the Hoge filed against you? Everything proceeding as you had foreseen?

Excellent! Glad to hear it. Keep up the great work, looks like this year’s LULZ harvest is going to set new records!!


If It’s All the Same to You…

Dear Mommy Judge Heckler,

I am aware of your order for me to appear in your courtroom on June 28th to explain why my ample ass shouldn’t be thrown in jail because you obviously don’t know what a courtroom is, which is pretty sad if you ask me. Don’t they teach that at judge school? The instant case will be the eighth suit I’ve lost in a row, and even I know that HOTEL ROOM AM NOT COURTROOM, COURTROOM AM COURTROOM. This is all a simple misunderstanding on your part.

As much as I would like to explain this to you in person, I regret to inform you that my car went back to Jesus yesterday. It was only 18 years old. Only the good die young, I guess. I suspect the cause of death of was driving from Wisconsin to Iowa to South Carolina after I told you that my stage LJI Parkinson’s disease made it almost impossible to get to the fridge without dying. Oh, and I think Hoge’s vexation had something to do with it.

Since this is all a simple misunderstanding on your part, I have every confidence that you can clear it up on your own.

Say hi to that lying sack of shit for me.

Anyhoo, gotta run. This 87 year old transvestite with the broken teeth and fluorescent hair isn’t going to make love to herself, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

William M. Schmalfeldt,
(I forgot which fake address I gave you on the fifth)
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina .


Confirmation Received

In which Billy Balloonfucker responds to being called a balloonfucker by admitting that he’s a balloonfucker and his “fiancé” is more inflatable than incipient.



“proper response” means you delete your blog so the shitsniffing balloonfucker doesn’t publish the divorce and bankruptcy information of someone who hasn’t been online for almost two years because the ADJUDICATED CYBERSTALKER lacks the sack and the skills to come straight at you. #Extortion


Oh, and let’s not forget…calling someone a “cyberthug?”

Them’s fightin’ words. So sayeth DUMBFUCK his own self.


Good Evening, DUMBFUCK and Balloon Animal!

Lying balloonfuckers gonna lie.

What a damn waste of money, spending 40% of the value of your hoopty on new tires, just to have it crap out six weeks later. On the other hand, rent-a-boi was maybe worth it, though.

Just don’t go rubbing IT up against any curbs, now that you know what kind of damage you can do.

Do they sell tandem Scooty-Puffs?


Good Afternoon, DUMBFUCK!

I see you survived another day at the beach, fighting off environmentalists trying to drag you back into the ocean.  Good on ya.

But this…

…just doesn’t ring true, IYKWIMAITYD!

You know all those times you sued people?  All those hundreds of times you told people to LAWYER UP?

Don’t you wish now that you’d taken your own advice? Or the advice of Ely? Or the advice of every shitty online lawyer you ever corresponded with at AVVO and JustAnswer?  Every time, they said “consult an attorney.”

But you, Mr. DUMBFUCK Dunning-Kruger, are too smart to be caught up in those scammers’ nets.  Too fabulous a pro se savant  to ever be caught in the rules you have so steadfastly refused to study and understand.

No, no…not you.

You know what’s worse than having the guidance of the disgraced, unemployed, Worst Lawyer in the World™?

Having no lawyer at all.

Thanks for climbing the gallows and so willingly sticking your head in the noose. Whatever you do, don’t kick that lever over there.  It will drop you straight into de briar patch, Br’er Rabbit.

But keep howling on Twitter! The Feldtdowns are entertaining AS FUCK, and will surely educate Judge Hecker on what those rules (which ones? Oh, only the ones you like, of course!) he told you to follow really mean.

Of course, there’s always the chance that The People’s Republic of Maryland will save you from the fate you so richly deserve, but how many times will you bounce off the “BUT I’M IGNORANT, JUDGE!” wall, before it bounces back?

Karma Train rolls on.  Hits you when you ain’t looking.

All we have here at The Thinking Man’s Zombie is FUN.  And you are a bottomless well of it.



Brand New Phase of the Schmycle

Personally, I’m looking forward to the regular afternoon appearances of Day Drinking Bill!

Check him out for yourself at:
I would gladly pay for entertainment like this, especially the bits where he begs fake journimalists for links to conform his delusional dreams.

Dance, drunken monkey!