Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

Hasn’t it learned yet that THE INTERNET IS FOREVER?

I once wrote a 2,000-word essay on Daily Kos about the real reason unenlightened homophobes are against gay-marriage. It’s the ‘butt stuff.’ In this 2,000-word article, about 197-words were dedicated to the same unenlightened straight males who don’t mind anal sex as long as they’re the ones dishing it out, and it’s with a woman. [Emphasis mine – PK]

Since I didn’t include the proper ‘trigger warnings’, the clique at DKos objected to the essay, then banned me for defending it.

Is that the way it really happened?

Take a wild guess.

I zipped up my virtual HAZMAT suit and ventured out to DailyKos to find out for myself.  The original diary [live link, NO TOUCHIE!] is reproduced here in its entirety to avoid “you took that out of context!”

My friends at Little Green Footballs [Broke that link – PK]step forward today with a compelling, scholarly article about why Conservatives fear gay marriage.  If I may borrow a paragraph?

Could this be the correct explanation of the fear? Could it be that conservatives (subconsciously?) believe that if same-sex marriage were to become more accepted and hence more common, heterosexuals would actually begin converting their sexual orientation? Could conservatives really (subconsciously?) believe that gay sex is so much better than straight sex, or that switching one’s sexual preference is, at least for most people, as easy as switching brands? It sounds silly, but you do often hear conservatives fantasizing about gay folks – especially teachers – “recruiting” children who would otherwise be straight, as if changing or determining someone’s sexual orientation – even a child’s – were as easy as giving them the right sales pitch!

As usual, the good folks at LGF are on to something.  But I say the reasons why Conservatives — especially MALE conservatives — have such dread of gay marriage are much more simple and selfish.It’s the “Butt Stuff.”

Male conservatives are convinced that gay men want to put their ying yangs in THEIR BUTTS!  This is a horrifying prospect to your average, stupid male.  This is why a blanket recognition that being gay is a normal variant of human sexuality, to these small, frightened, uneducated men, means society is saying it’s OK for these gay men to put their willy-wallys in YOUR pooter hole!

Follow the logic.

Most stupid men, married or otherwise, enjoy pornography.  They enjoy watching men with their throbbing, erect whatchamacallits do degrading thing to women with them.  Slapping them on the face with it.  Spanking them with it. There is no orifice on a woman’s body that is safe from the probing, pulsating prongs on the popular pornos.  And that includes the pooter hole.  There’s a whole SUBSET of pornography DEVOTED to anal sex.  They give an AWARD at the ADULT VIDEO AWARDS each year to the actress involved in the most erotic Anal Sex scene.

So, it’s not anal sex (as a practice) to which these small, frightened men object.

Heck, if you’re a man and you’re honest with yourself, you LIKE being on the “doling it out”end of anal sex.  How many heterosexual men reading this diary right now have never asked their wife or girlfriend to just take a deep breath, relax, “I’ll just put in the tip and we’ll see how it goes,” and then you ram it home like Captain Kidd jamming his sword back into his scabbard while she hollers “takeitouttakeitouttakeitout” and you tell her to just relax and it won’t hurt so bad and she starts kicking and screaming takeitOUTtakeitOUTtakeit OUTyoufuckingbastardpieceofshit and you finally do (because the walls are thin and your neighbors just LOVE calling the cops) and you tell her she should have at least given herself a chance to relax and enjoy it and she (if she’s your wife) doesn’t let you anywhere near her with “that thing” for weeks and if she’s your girlfriend she stops returning your calls?

So. We’ve established we have no problem with the theory of anal sex.  Or the theory of oral sex, for that matter.  If you’re clean and perform proper hygienic maintenance “down there”, most women will be more than happy from time to time to engage in this particular activity.  And fellows, you know that this is a two way street, right?  T’is well and good to give and receive.

So, no problem with oral sex.

Same sex?  Shoot, that’s fine too!  As long as it’s woman on woman.

This is as old as time itself.  Why do you think the Bible not only authorizes but condones multiple wives for the biblical patriarchs?  Because after a hard day of patriarching, there’s nothing a patriarch likes better than to come home to watch some hot “wife on wife” action(they didn’t have Blu-Ray or DVDs then) before jumping into the wife pile.

Now, with our modern technology, we love watching the ladies do other ladies. If you are married or in a relationship and your wife or girlfriend comes home with an attractive friend, and says “Happy Birthday, honey” as she and her friend peel off their clothes revealing their Victoria’s Secret scanties as they hop onto the bed and start kissing and fooling around for awhile before beckoning you to join them, would you throw your hands up in Conservative horror and quote Leviticus?  NO!  You’d be on that bed, living the dream!  Oh HAPPY day!  What a HAPPY day!

So.  Let’s review.  It’s not anal sex as a practice that we find loathsome.  Nor is it oral sex.  Same sex is not a problem either, as long as those same sexes happen to be two or more women.

(Ever wonder why the Bible never condoned a woman having more than one husband?  I think it was comedian Wanda Sykes who asked if anyone had ever come home from work to find his wife watching a man-on-man porno saying, “Yeah, baby.  Ooooh.  He likes that, doesn’t he?  Oh, yeah, baby.  Give it to him!”)

Therefore, if the Conservative male has no problem with anal sex, oral sex or same sex sex, why the problem with Gay Marriage?

It can’t be the reason they constantly give,”because it threatens the sanctity of marriage.”

I’ve been married three times.  My wife #3 and I have been together since 1988.  The first two failed because I was married to women who couldn’t keep their pants on when I was not around.  “Teh Gay” had nothing to do with it.

So, the real reason people are against Gay Marriage comes down to one of two things.

1.  You are a closeted homosexual, self-loathing, raised in a household that forbade and punished “those kinds of thoughts”.  You have repressed these feelings, have gotten married and have children but can only find real sexual satisfaction with the kind of anonymous sex initiated with a game of “tappy toe” in a Minneapolis Airport Bathroom.  Or,

2. You are ignorant heterosexual who — because YOU would gladly fuck a warm piece of liver if no one was looking — believes that all gay men will find YOU attractive and want to force their sexual attentions on YOU!  Men over 40 don’t even like going to the doctor because they know the doc will stick a well-lubricated, gloved finger “up there.”  The idea of being run to ground by hoards of pantless gay men with their throbbing manhoods acting like divining wands in the search for “virgin ass” terrifies you.  And you KNOW that’s the next step.  You KNOW that’s what gays REALLY want… not monogamous relationships with people they love.  Hell, YOU have a monogamous relationship with someone YOU love and yet every time you go out of town on a business trip you’re balls deep in some hooker you met on Craigslist by 11:13 pm!  That’s why you’re against gays in the military.  All gays want to have sex with YOU!  You just KNOW it.  So if you were in the Army and had to take a shower with GAY people looking at you, it would be a constant battle to maintain your anal virginity.  If you were in a FOXHOLE (God forbid) with a GAY, then nobody would be securing the perimeter because you would be too busy securing your ANUS against this GAY guy who you just KNOW wants to fuck you.  Oh sure, he’s sitting over there nice and quiet and writing a letter to his sister.  But YOU know what he’s thinking.  HE’S thinking about waiting until you’re asleep, sliding down your fatigues and DOING THINGS to you!

THAT is the problem with gay marriage.  It’s not the fact that it’s same sex have sex with the same sex (as long as it’s only women).  It’s not that anal sex is disgusting, because who hasn’t tried to get away with it at least once in a heterosexual relationship (sorry, honey… I missed!) or that we find oral sex to be immoral and de facto sodomy (which we don’t even when we say we do).

The bottom line (giggle) is that stupid straight people are scared that rampaging hoards of GAYS are going to ATTACK THEM and FORCE THEIR wing wangs up their pooter holes and OBAMA SAYS IT’S OK NOW!

THAT’S the problem!

ORIGINALLY POSTED AT THE EX-EXAMINER EXAMINES THE NEWS, [strangely enough, this link was broken when I found it. Imagine that!]WHERE YOU WILL FIND A LOT MORE STUFF JUST LIKE THIS.

So what do we have here?

We have a serious, focused discussion of gay marriage and the real reason unenlightened homophobes oppose it, authored by a serious, focused DUMBFUCK.  You can tell that the DUMBFUCK in question is serious and focused on the real reason for opposition to gay marriage, because his serious, focused treatise is peppered with serious, focused terminology like “willy-wallys,” “pooter hole,” “whatchamacallits,” and “prongs.”

Remember – this was a diary, according to DUMBFUCK – devoted to the real reason that unenlightened homophobes oppose, in his own terms, “Teh Gay” marriage.

For some strange reason, the paragons of tolerance at DailyKos found this diary objectionable!

I KNOW, RIGHT?  CRAZY!

The first critical comment (from Cinnamon), appeared 41 minutes after the diary was posted. A couple key phrases:

“I’m surprised at how long this diary is given it seems to have been written by a 14  year old, using one hand.”

“…gratuitously graphic, rude, and factually inaccurate piece of rubbish…”

DUMBFUCK responded in less than 7 minutes:  “Why do you hate gay marriage?”

Because it’s so serious and focused on the real reason unenlightened homophobes like Cinnamon oppose gay marriage…oh, did I mention Cinnamon is pro-gay marriage, anti-FUCKING IDIOT, and has “level 5 DKos mojo” while DUMBFUCK displays, per its own admission, the skull and crossbones of the THE BANNED?

The exchange kicked off – take a guess! – a running battle between DUMBFUCK and an ever-expanding roster of DKos commenters over the quality of its serious, focused essay exploring the real reason unenlightened homophobes oppose gay marriage, an essay which, in a late-night comment, DUMBFUCK ITSELF described as “satire!”

Satire?  In 2012 it called the essay satire (actually it said, and I paraphrase, attempted satire–much more accurate in that it is a complete failure as both humor AND cogent political commentary, but today it’s the real reason unenlightened homophobes oppose gay marriage!

But a close read of this running battle shows with great clarity that the opposition to DUMBFUCK’S essay had little to do with misunderstanding the satire and much to do with the hateful and violent rhetoric favored by the DUMBFUCK.  And rather than take responsibility for the reactions of its audience,  DUMBFUCK made a continuous and running mockery of them and their opinions.

Gee, you’d think it would understand me a little better, wouldn’t ya?

Then two days later, DUMBFUCK stepped up. Like a man does.

To tell his critics, the unenlightened homophobes of DailyKos–in so many gentle words–to FUCK OFF.

Some highlights:

“It is not an apology.

It’s a suggestion.

Stop reading my stuff.

There were six people who dominated the comment section of my poorly attended diary yesterday.  They spent a good part of a delightful Saturday to denounce me for a satirical diary I wrote.”

Nay, nay!

Not a satirical diary, but the real reason unenlightened homophobes are against gay marriage.  Remember?

This second diary is nothing but a continuation of our palsie-walsie DUMBFUCK’S continuous doubling down on stupid, and 173 comments later, the liberal stronghold of DailyKos came to the same conclusion as every other community that has had the unfortunate experience to brush up against it:

It is a vile monster, clothed in most unbecoming lamb’s wool, unfit for public display or interaction, and must be cast out from their midst.

True Free Speech Warriors, those Kossacks. Also, Right Wing Nut Jobs.


I dispute DUMBFUCK’S characterization above of his summary execution:

“Since I didn’t include the proper ‘trigger warnings’, the clique at DKos objected to the essay, then banned me for defending it.”

What I Think It Meant To Say Is…

“Since I refused to acknowledge and accept responsibility for the pain resulting from my ill-conceived and viscerally disgusting essay on the real reason unenlightened homophobes are against gay marriage, and in truth doubled down and made mockery of that pain, they unceremoniously dismissed the genius that not one person on Earth after me has the wit to recognize. [This too, exposes what must surely be a lifelong litany for a DUMBFUCK:  It’s Not Me, It’s ALL THE REST OF YOU THAT HAVE A PROBLEM! – PK] It was a Vast Right Wing DailyKos Konspiracy!11!!!ELEVENTY!1!!1!!”


But let us retreat for a moment to the second diary.  There is real wisdom offered, if one has the eye to see it buried under all the bullshit.

  • To those it offends, stop reading my stuff.
  • Please don’t read it if you’re going to be offended by it.  If you read it and are offended by it, you have been warned.

I really cannot highlight this next line more strenuously.  In fact, I would say that it’s a virtual certainty to come up in any future defamation related lawsuits that may ever be filed by said DUMBFUCK:

  • In fact, if you read it and are offended by it after being warned, then it is YOUR fault you were offended.  Not mine.

Truly, what more can I do to make that statement clear?  Please, if you have a suggestion, let me know!

  • The words of one reader more than make up for YOUR lack of understanding of what I was trying to convey.

Remember, if one single reader agrees with me, everyone who disagrees with me is stupid.

  • I will keep writing what I write.  You are free to ignore it.  I would rather you did, actually.  When you see my name on something, just pass it by.  Save us both the grief.
  • I’d rather you not read my [blog] any more if this is how sad and unhappy and angry they are going to make you, allowing the individual WORDS as you do to keep you from seeing the POINT!

And what is MY POINT on this blog, the point that DUMBFUCK continuously sees and willfully ignores?

Leave my friends alone. Forever.  And for good measure, leave EVERYONE ELSE ON EARTH alone too.  Also forever. In fact, if you continue to attack my friends (or anyone else on Earth) and are BUTTHURT by my blog after being warned, then it is YOUR fault you were BUTTHURT. Not mine.

Again, my friends, any suggestions you have for making this point more abundantly clear to an ABJECT DUMBFUCK, please sing out!

And my last pre-punchline word on this subject, Karma being the ALL-OUT BITCH she is, is in fact DUMBFUCK’S final bit of wisdom:

  • I would hate to be responsible for your missing the fainting couch and hitting your head on the radiator or something.  And if you live alone (which it is utterly unfair of me to suggest that most of you do) there will be no one to find you and your cats will eventually wonder why they’re not getting fed, and being cats, will begin to dine on your face and finally either the neighbors will notice the smell of decomp (and your research-worthy brain will be roont!) or you’ll begin to leak into the apartment below you and somehow it will be all my fault.  I couldn’t live with that.

But I would love to attend the celebration that would surely follow such a joyous event.

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Gotta Hand It to Hoge – He Knows How To Drive Traffic

Editor’s Note:  the following appeared, word for word, at Bill Schmalfeldt’s Patriot-Ombudsman blog on March 26, 2014 and was taken down a few days later.

If it was still on the blog, I would absolutely link to it.  But criminals are a cowardly lot so of course, it isn’t.  And since it’s been un-published, so to speak, there couldn’t possibly be a copyright violation.  Nor even a credible accusation of plagiarism, as that also would involve the true author claiming ownership.

To the best of my knowledge, this is the only existing proof that he wrote this post.  Other bloggers may have screen capped or saved it, I don’t know.  I suspect, though, that if Bill Schmalfeldt should complain that he never wrote this, I will find out in one big hurry.

Oleh: Bill Schmalfeldt
March 26, 2014

(A PIECE OF CREATIVE FICTION IN LOVING TRIBUTE TO A CERTAIN FELLOW IN WESTMINSTER, MD AS I IMAGINE HIS HOMELIFE.)

I can picture old, crazy, borderline senile WJJ Hoge sitting at his rickety desk, the house filled with the unpleasant musk of “old man.” He stares at a blank WordPress page and considers his next topic.

“Are you pondering what I’m pondering,” he asks aloud. From somewhere in the basement, his leviathan son giggles. The plate collection on the walls, stolen from Stuckey’s Restaurants around the country, rattle as the mammoth man child chuckles.

Hoge puts his face in his hands.

“No, those never get more than one or two comments, and they are of the most ass-kissing variety.”

Not that Hoge minds the feel of soft lips on his puckered bung. He rather enjoys it. But it is CONTROVERSY he seeks.

“Write something about Kimberlin,” his wife hollers from the bedroom where she’s been holed up since getting home from work with a stack of supermarket tabloids and a pint of gin.

“Blast you, Woman!” he bellows. “I’ll do the writing. You do the drinking. Understood?”

She responds with a healthy belch/fart combination. Again the plates rattle and for a moment Hoge fears some may fall from the crude plate holders his son made as part of his occupational training at that special school he went to for all those many, many years.

He looks at his combined output for the past week. Contributions have dwindled to nothing. So has his fan base. Oh, they’re prolific, but they are few.
Rain
SPQR
The idiot Frankie
Gus Bailey
tomblvd
The execrable Howard Earl
The hopeless, hapless LibraryGryffon
The felonious Kyle Kiernan
The pretend general, ersatz cancer victim Paul Lemmen
The annoying EPWJ
The crazed Bettina Haper
Some numbskull called “The Onlooker”
Someone mocking The Cabin Boy’s dead brother “The Bobber”
The phony cousin Leroy Oddswatch
The mental case Palatine Pundit
And good old Aaron Worthing Walker. The St. Peter to his Christ fixation. The only one of the bunch worth a good god damn.

Sixteen Apostles. More than Jesus had. So there’s that. And they attend his every word, like true disciples. They would kill if he ordered them to. And it might come to that. He would turn to Kiernan, the felon or Palatine Pundit, the self-professed nut case if it ever came to that.

Hoge knows he has an epistle in him. He knows he has wisdom to impart. The problem is, the apostles are incapable of absorbing wisdom. It’s like trying to communicate with starlings. He has their love. Their devotion. But he knows he has something even more valuable.

He owns their hate. All he need do is start a thread about the Evil One, and his Team Lickspittle will fall into line and do the work he has neither the patience nor the belly to do for himself.

Not that he didn’t try. Jesus. 366 charges and the only thing that stuck was an unenforceable peace order. Well, there’s more than one way to skin a fat problem.

“Are you talking about me, Daddy?” And Hoge realizes he spoke those last words out loud.

“Go back to your room and masturbate, son. Daddy’s thinking.”

“Yay! Pretend girl time,” his son blurts and the house shakes again as he lumbers down the stairs. Again, Hoge worries about the plates on the wall.

The Hoge legacy. The proud Hoge lineage will end with IV. III has long since understood that. His bride won’t touch him. Murdering her is out of the question since she makes the real money.

“Never mind, never mind,” he grumbles to himself. “Must think, Must think.”

Then it dawns on him, like a 350 watt lightbulb with no shade, glaring in the dark cavern of his brain.

“Kimberlin is beyond my reach. But Schmalfeldt. HAH! He could die any day. Have you seen how much weaker he looked in January than he looked a year ago,” he asks no one.

“Bluuuuuh…” his wife belches. She is still pretty, but the bitterness has ruined her mind. Sad.

Schmalfeldt. He will pay for Kimberlin’s crimes. I know Schmalfeldt, the CABIN BOY, knows more about the nefarious evil of Kimberlin than he lets on. If I squeeze that zit, it will pop.” He realizes, too late, that he has just squeezed a zit on his own forehead. The pus and blood mix like catsup and mayonnaise from the edge of a burger.

“Yes, a burger,” he says to himself. First a burger, then the blog.”

He realizes all he needs to do is offer a simple, not-particularly-inflammatory blog post about Schmalfeldt. It doesn’t need to be inflammatory. The lickspittles will make it so with their comments. And it’s THEIR comments that are defamatory. Not his, he gloats. THEY are the defamers, not me, he says as he reaches the kitchen, opens the mayo jar and recoils from the smell. There is no fresh jar in the cupboard.

“DAMN IT STRAIGHT TO BLEEDING HELL,” he shrieks. “Not tonight,” his wife slurs from under a blanket of tabloid newspapers.
glares with baleful, contempt in his eyes at the first and only woman he has ever touched.

He pads back to the computer and poots forth a few words about some LIE he will invent as told by the horrible, criminal, inept Cabin Boy.

He hits the “send button,” and feels a feeling of comfortable warmth.

“DAMN IT STRAIGHT TO JESUS!” he shrieks as he realizes he has wet himself yet again.

Editor’s Note, Part 2:  This is the post that has been so ably parodied elsewhere and reprinted here.

This post is NOT harassment. But making fun of it, is. This post is NOT hateful. But making fun of it, is.

Poor disabled Bill Schmalfeldt, who until about 2 weeks ago was still creating 60+ minute podcasts, now uses text-to-speech software on his book promotion videos to highlight how helpless he really is. Because he can’t speak more than a sentence without lapsing into coughing fits. According to him. Poor Bill Schmalfeldt, so worried and anxious about others attacking his family and causing his wife distress. Poor, poor, pitiful Bill.

Sorry, Bill. It’s just that you have spent too many years thinking you’re the big dog on the block. And now, little dog, the truly big dogs are here, and we’ve had enough of your yapping.

To quote a great man, “Karma is a bitch, boys and girls. And you are not long from finding out how much of a fucking bitch she is.”

You’re gonna need one of these:

Shine-Box-Front-600px_1024x1024

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