The Cubs May Want To Update The Parade Route From Last Time

  • Start at the women’s suffrage center
  • Continue along past the child factory workers taking a smoke break
  • Turn right at the big pile of horse manure
  • Go past the Chicago Cholera Clinic
  • Skirt the edges of the ruins of Mrs. O’Leary’s barn
  • Turn left at Pete’s House of Not Yet Completely Rotten Meat
  • Shun the Irish
  • Turn right at the Buggy Whip and Lamp Oil Emporium and Telegraph Office
  • Conclude the parade at the World Has Never Been At War Memorial

shamelessly stolen and modified from @sportspickle on Twitter

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Self Awareness Fail, Part 8,637,426

Oh, and just a reminder.  He thinks he came up with that line himself.  This is from July 6, 2014.

20140706-190655-68815919.jpgUPDATE:

Looks like someone has forgotten the Fair Use rules he used to swing around like a dead spouse when stealing whole posts without permission as recently as 6 days ago.  In other words, SUE ME.

Next time will be the first, and it will never happen.  That was my pal Agent Starling, aka K.GNU from down near Racine, where they don’t issue IL license plates, you transparent liar.

What color was the car, monkey?

monkey_dance

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Ladies, If You Were Forced To Choose…

…and DEATH IS NOT AN OPTION – which of the following sample dating profiles would leave you more likely to swipe right, all other things being equal?

Profile A:

Retired widower, 61.  Politics and political activism energizes me.  Proudly bald!  I’m looking for someone to spend quality time with, sharing the many sights and cultural experiences that Milwaukee has to offer.

Profile B:

I am an angry, bitter 61 year old widower with no real friends.  Everyone laughs at me online and calls me an idiot.  I was supposed to die first, but my soulmate left me on June 17, 2015.  I have Parkinson’s disease, but the trembling and drooling is still ahead of me, thank God, and what woman wouldn’t want to be a part of that in her golden years? Also I am extremely short for my weight (I should be eleven feet four inches tall).  Strangely, for being built so low to the ground I have terrible balance, even after replacing my walker with a cane.  I used to not be able to drive but my progressive neurological disorder has gotten so much better since moving to Wisconsin that I can miraculously drive again!  My back teeth are going to start falling out any day now, but the front ones aren’t as green as they used to be. On the plus side, I usually clean up after myself when I miss the toilet and sometimes I remember to wash my hands. My progressive political leanings are almost close to being within shouting distance of not radically extreme…for Wisconsin.  I think anal rape and sexual abuse of Cub Scouts is the pinnacle of sophisticated humor.

While both may technically be true, I think Profile B eliminates a lot of the mystery and enchantment of getting to know someone.  Your mileage may vary, though.  Let’s hear your thoughts!

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Here’s How You Will Know

…that abortion has become as socially acceptable and shame-free as leftists and feminists wish it was:

You will see a commercial for a home pregnancy test where the stick comes up positive, and the girl holding it will make an “Oh, SHIT!” face instead of giving the stick to hubby in a gift box.

Until then, however…

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