I swear under penalty of perjury that Hoge never mailed and I never received the Requests for Admissions that I wrote about receiving when I picked up my final paycheck on April 1 from the part-time radio gig that I was SO FUCKING FIRED from that I blocked out from memory the fact that I ever had the job at all.

And oh, by the way, that April 1 blog post that proves I just committed perjury is actually my response to the Request for Admissions that I just swore under penalty of perjury that Hoge never mailed and I never received.

I am so goddamned happy right now I could piss grape soda.


How Screwed Is Bill Schmaleldt?


I could explain why, and in which specific case, but that would involve a lot of pathetic begging in Myrtle Beach, and probably some unpleasantness involving Carolina Reapers, so it’s prolly not gonna happen.

Best not to think about it. Just stretch those LULZ muscles and be prepared for the Feldtdowns.

And for those of you who may not already know – all is proceeding as a great many people have foreseen.



Would That It Were So Simple As DUMBFUCK Himself Is

The point is not that DUMBFUCK should not NEED further amended complaints (though he surely will wish he had them, possibly as soon as thirty minutes from now).

The point is that now that DUMBFUCK has used his First Amended Complaint, and in so doing FAILED to amend anything of substance in a way that benefits him, he will be heavily challenged to GET further amended complaints, because he is a brain-damaged idiot suffering from Parkinson’s disease.


If It’s All the Same to You…

Dear Mommy Judge Heckler,

I am aware of your order for me to appear in your courtroom on June 28th to explain why my ample ass shouldn’t be thrown in jail because you obviously don’t know what a courtroom is, which is pretty sad if you ask me. Don’t they teach that at judge school? The instant case will be the eighth suit I’ve lost in a row, and even I know that HOTEL ROOM AM NOT COURTROOM, COURTROOM AM COURTROOM. This is all a simple misunderstanding on your part.

As much as I would like to explain this to you in person, I regret to inform you that my car went back to Jesus yesterday. It was only 18 years old. Only the good die young, I guess. I suspect the cause of death of was driving from Wisconsin to Iowa to South Carolina after I told you that my stage LJI Parkinson’s disease made it almost impossible to get to the fridge without dying. Oh, and I think Hoge’s vexation had something to do with it.

Since this is all a simple misunderstanding on your part, I have every confidence that you can clear it up on your own.

Say hi to that lying sack of shit for me.

Anyhoo, gotta run. This 87 year old transvestite with the broken teeth and fluorescent hair isn’t going to make love to herself, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

William M. Schmalfeldt,
(I forgot which fake address I gave you on the fifth)
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina .


Good Evening, DUMBFUCK and Balloon Animal!

Lying balloonfuckers gonna lie.

What a damn waste of money, spending 40% of the value of your hoopty on new tires, just to have it crap out six weeks later. On the other hand, rent-a-boi was maybe worth it, though.

Just don’t go rubbing IT up against any curbs, now that you know what kind of damage you can do.

Do they sell tandem Scooty-Puffs?