A Lesson In Single-Minded Focus

I think someone has lost their grip on what it truly was they wanted. Perhaps he learned that being a sand-filled pussy was the highest plateau of accomplishment he would ever reach. Maybe the effort required to make not even a fraction of a dent in the will of superior happy warrior Zombies was more than he could maintain.  Could it be that he finally reached his lifetime maximum of GS13 writer/editor mistakes and decided to surrender and slink away the same way he fled Maryland to escape his lies to the Federal Courts?


The reasons behind a DUMBFUCK’S lifetime of epic failures are of no consequence, and it’s a waste of time to consider them.

What matters are the results.  And the simple facts are that DUMBFUCK has spent years trying to shut up those with whom he disagrees.  People like me, John Hoge, Aaron Walker, The Dread Pirate Zombie Morgana, Dave Alexander, Knot My Wisconsin, Operation Burn Notice, Michael Malone, Dianna, Grace, Jane, Katie, Eric Johnson, AReader1, Accipe remedium, Tremule!, This Other Latin Fucker, Colonelvictortrollpoker, Kyle Kiernan, AJ Fornicarius Hoc, gmhowell, and everyone else in the Zombie Lickspittle Horde he has claimed as enemies.

Only one is silent – Michael Malone.  God rest his soul. Only Death will silence us. And Zombies, not even then…

The rest of us are beyond the nonexistent talents of a DUMBFUCK to intimidate into silence.

He has often said he accomplished everything he ever wanted in his life:

  • A career of less-than-middling jobs that rarely lasted more than three years;
  • A lifetime sucker of government tit;
  • A quarter of a life faking a disability to bind his captive nurse to him;
  • A pauper’s retirement in a tin can, until his stepson ran him off to a subsidized deathbox on the western shore of Lake Michigan;
  • A family who wants nothing to do with him;
  • Grandchildren he’s never seen who, if they are exceedingly fortunate, have been told he is dead;
  • A public legacy of dishonesty and utter failure, of stalking, harassment and multiple restraining orders in multiple states;
  • A grotesque and exceedingly well-documented online footprint of his own creation that ensures he will never, ever earn the trust of another companion.

But on the other hand, he has made us as miserable as he possibly could.

How miserable is that?

Not. Not miserable. Not even the tiniest bit miserable. We are the Most Happy of Warriors, unwilling to give up that power over our own emotions to anyone else.

He cannot possibly make us miserable, for he lacks our permission.

This great goal:

Not just a failure; a failure of epic proportions.

Another day has dawned with a ridiculous DUMBFUCK failure cowering and powerless before an Army of Happy Zombie Lickspittle Warriors armed with pointage, laughery and mockification.

As it was yesterday, it is today, and it shall be once more tomorrow.

Who could ask for more, save for one more comment in the moderation queue, toothlessly promising “See you in court,” like a hundred times before?


Social Butterfly Zombie Advice

“If I could just come up with a socially positive way to spend the rest of my days, I might even be something approaching happy again.”

This is a surprisingly self-aware quote from a DUMBFUCK. In fact, it articulates an objective which is both noble and worthwhile. I should hope to be able to spend my own golden years in pursuit of such a virtuous goal.

Sadly, I don’t believe for a minute that DUMBFUCK is even a tiny bit serious.

So it received its $9000 insurance payout.  Did it buy a grandfather clock?  Did it buy a mobility scooter?  Who knows?

I can confirm that it used a different computer to stalk this website yesterday than the one it had been using since it relocated.  I imagine it’s got an All-In-One in the bedroom and the laptop next to the recliner…because OVERSHARE.

But let’s get back to that goal.  I think we, the Lickspittle Zombie Horde, can help with that.  How can we help a DUMBFUCK come up with socially positive ways to spend the rest of its days, and perhaps even nights?

Let’s have this be an open thread for that purpose, but of course anyone who truly believes that any sort of social redemption is not possible for a DUMBFUCK is welcome to express their thoughts as well.

I will get the ball rolling.

Tips For a Socially Positive Retirement

  1. SHUT OFF THE FUCKING COMPUTER – you will never change anyone’s opinion of you online.
  2. SHAVE – you look like a slob. This will hurt you later.
  3. LEAVE THE APARTMENT – you don’t want to be a shut-in? Get out.
    • Introduce yourself
    • Tell someone you want to learn to play
      • Pinochle
      • Cribbage
      • Gin Rummy
      • Canasta
      • Backgammon
      • …or whatever else is going on. Other people like to feel useful and someone will teach you to play any of these games, EVEN IF YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW.
    • Say “Please” and “Thank you.”
    • And…BOOM! You made a friend. Congratulations!
    • Engage in conversation. Topics to avoid:
      • Poop
      • Cub Scouts
      • Pee sticks and pooter holes
      • Your recent widowerhood. When asked about your wife, just say, “She passed earlier this year. I’d rather not talk about it.” At least until you learn to control the OVERSHARE. Trust me, nobody wants to hear how she pissed herself all the way to her shoulders.
      • Politics
      • Religion
      • Parkinsons Disease (except with others who share it)
      • Lickspittles & Zombies (because NOBODY gives a fuck)
  3. DON’T WRITE BLOGS – You have never had a blog that was a net social positive
  4. DON’T MAKE RADIO – Your podcasts consist of you in a locked room shouting at the walls while others stand behind a two way mirror, laughing at you.

In short, there is no path that leads to “something approaching happy” that brings you anywhere near the space on the internet that you now occupy.  You are swimming in a pool full of broken glass, rusted razor blades, used hypodermic needles, and sharks.  There’s no happiness until you get the fuck out and seek help.

Please, Zombie Horde.  Fill in any blanks I may have overlooked.


Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

That’s not a threat, DUMBFUCK.  As you so casually put it, in apophasic terms you can understand, that is a promise. 

Now, for the meat of this post, I offer a bit of heartfelt genius from a commenter who I just know a DUMBFUCK would LOVE to add to his LOLsuit, if he hadn’t been so FUCKING DUMB as to lose his freebie and file too late.  I would expose his talents here, but not his identity.  If he wants to claim credit, I’m confident he will step up and do so.

ThIngs to consider when you’re feeling a little down:

  1. At least you haven’t pissed yourself, especially in front of a cop.
  2. At least you haven’t pooped in your pants when sitting on your mother’s padded chair.
  3. At least your mother and father loved you, and not in the “bad touch” way.
  4. At least your children still love and respect you.
  5. At least you have real friends who want to visit you.
  6. At least you know for sure that your children are your real issue.
  7. At least you are smart and creative enough not to have to plagiarize other people’s material. [And like I said, if the author wants to claim credit for this fine work, all he need do is say so here. – PK]
  8. At least you don’t have to create sock puppets as evidence that a relative somewhere still cares about you.
  9. At least you don’t pick your own feces out of the toilet, roll it into a ball and sniff it.
  10. At least you are smart enough to be able to discern enablers and know how to deflect them.
  11. At least you are smart enough to know how to brew a smaller pot of coffee.
  12. At least you have enough self-esteem that you don’t need to stroke your ego by putting down everyone else in the world. As Dirty Harry once said, “A man’s got to know his limitations!”
  13. At least you worship God in all His glory, rather than living a life of filth and blasphemy.
  14. At least you can forego the Internet when a loved one is in crisis.
  15. At least you can engage your problems directly without having to resort to anonymous torture and persecution.
  16. At least you can resolve your personal problems and issues without having to resort to bullying, intimidation, harassment, stalking, threats, slander, libel, extortion and other forms of criminal behavior.
  17. At least you can love and find good in your fellow man.
  18. At least, when you get into an Internet flame war, you don’t cry like a baby when people play by your rules and kick your ass.

You see, DUMBFUCK, you have to take responsibility for yourself and for the things you do.  You made a FAT FUCKING MISTAKE, assuming that I don’t know anybody in Carroll County. MD law enforcement, or Middlesex County, MA law enforcement.  The wreck you have made of your “sterling reputation” and your non-existent credibility as a criminal victim are not as narrowly defined as you might hope.  It’s not just Brett Kimberlin who snickers up his sleeve at your investigative, journalistic and legal prowess.  The people who know your name and reputation are LEGION, and their numbers grow daily.  And six degrees of separation are not a wide gulf to cross for LULZ.

Oh, almost forgot… 

Vinnie was too busy to say hey today, but someone else asked how to un-send an email.  They didn’t leave a name.


Happy Independence Day!

On this, the 239th birthday of the rapidly waning greatest nation on Earth, enjoy yourselves with parades, parties, picnics, family, John Philip Sousa and cold adult beverages.

But be sure not to blow your Zombie fingers off with an M-80 or Tovex or anything like that.  Because the best, most tastiest BRAAAAAINS are down there at the bottom of the pan!


Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

A friendly Zombie deserves the credit this morning for this gem.

I couldn’t have done better myself.

Doesn’t mean I won’t try.

Mad undead props to The Dread Pirate Zombie, whoever you are!😘