Swap Some Names and Stories, Bing, Bang, Boom…

So I see that the New York Times responded to a retraction demand/ litigation threat from Donald Trump today. Here’s what I consider to be the money paragraph:

I could completely rewrite this paragraph in about 4.5 seconds, and DUMBFUCK still wouldn’t get it.



Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

7-30-2015 8-44-05 AM

No, no, no,no, no…

This is not how we know he is evil.  In point of fact, I might argue with folks who say DUMBFUCK is evil.  Make no mistake – I could be persuaded on this point, but I think DUMBFUCK is sooo much less than evil.  He lacks the fortitude.  He is nauseating, certainly.  Disturbing, without question.  Twisted, no doubt.

In fact I would say he is little more than annoying, with occasional gusts of insanity.  But calling him evil gives him far too much credit.  I suppose we could discuss that, and you folks could change my mind.

No, this is not what shows he might be evil.

This is what shows he has no friends.

People who have friends enjoy social events with those friends.  They take pictures of those friends.  They post pictures of those friends on blogs, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook.  The email pictures to these friends.

That’s not what a turdsniffing DUMBFUCK does.  We all know by now about the fabulous pictures he takes, and who he shares them with, and why.

You know, I may have to rethink the whole “EVIL” question…


7-30-2015 4-12-16 PM

Gee, I don’t know, DUMBFUCK.

Someone remind me to ask David Edgren’s son the next time I see him…




Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

That’s not a threat, DUMBFUCK.  As you so casually put it, in apophasic terms you can understand, that is a promise. 

Now, for the meat of this post, I offer a bit of heartfelt genius from a commenter who I just know a DUMBFUCK would LOVE to add to his LOLsuit, if he hadn’t been so FUCKING DUMB as to lose his freebie and file too late.  I would expose his talents here, but not his identity.  If he wants to claim credit, I’m confident he will step up and do so.

ThIngs to consider when you’re feeling a little down:

  1. At least you haven’t pissed yourself, especially in front of a cop.
  2. At least you haven’t pooped in your pants when sitting on your mother’s padded chair.
  3. At least your mother and father loved you, and not in the “bad touch” way.
  4. At least your children still love and respect you.
  5. At least you have real friends who want to visit you.
  6. At least you know for sure that your children are your real issue.
  7. At least you are smart and creative enough not to have to plagiarize other people’s material. [And like I said, if the author wants to claim credit for this fine work, all he need do is say so here. – PK]
  8. At least you don’t have to create sock puppets as evidence that a relative somewhere still cares about you.
  9. At least you don’t pick your own feces out of the toilet, roll it into a ball and sniff it.
  10. At least you are smart enough to be able to discern enablers and know how to deflect them.
  11. At least you are smart enough to know how to brew a smaller pot of coffee.
  12. At least you have enough self-esteem that you don’t need to stroke your ego by putting down everyone else in the world. As Dirty Harry once said, “A man’s got to know his limitations!”
  13. At least you worship God in all His glory, rather than living a life of filth and blasphemy.
  14. At least you can forego the Internet when a loved one is in crisis.
  15. At least you can engage your problems directly without having to resort to anonymous torture and persecution.
  16. At least you can resolve your personal problems and issues without having to resort to bullying, intimidation, harassment, stalking, threats, slander, libel, extortion and other forms of criminal behavior.
  17. At least you can love and find good in your fellow man.
  18. At least, when you get into an Internet flame war, you don’t cry like a baby when people play by your rules and kick your ass.

You see, DUMBFUCK, you have to take responsibility for yourself and for the things you do.  You made a FAT FUCKING MISTAKE, assuming that I don’t know anybody in Carroll County. MD law enforcement, or Middlesex County, MA law enforcement.  The wreck you have made of your “sterling reputation” and your non-existent credibility as a criminal victim are not as narrowly defined as you might hope.  It’s not just Brett Kimberlin who snickers up his sleeve at your investigative, journalistic and legal prowess.  The people who know your name and reputation are LEGION, and their numbers grow daily.  And six degrees of separation are not a wide gulf to cross for LULZ.

Oh, almost forgot… 

Vinnie was too busy to say hey today, but someone else asked how to un-send an email.  They didn’t leave a name.


Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

Let’s get a few things straight. That picture up there?

By using it on Twitter, DUMBFUCK has granted any Twitter user access to it and license to re-use it.  The same is true of EVERY OTHER PICTURE IT HAS EVER POSTED TO TWITTER.

Like, for instance, this one:

This is really one of my very favorites.  I could give you a dozen other examples, but the point stands.

Put it on Twitter, give up control.

Also, those laws DUMBFUCK likes to toss about like a fart in a hurricane?  One would think that by this point in its illustrious legal career it would have learned that the law doesn’t mean what it says it means just because it says it does.  There are a couple of reasons I generally refer to DUMBFUCK as a DUMBFUCK: first, it simply fits; second it’s just a lot easier than typing adjudicated cyberstalker, adjudicated cyberharasser, subject of multiple peace orders in multiple states, proven liar, whining, humorless dickbag.

See, some crazy old fart-sniffer taught me a valuable lesson.  I have a First Amendment right to write ABOUT anybody I please.  And if an average, everyday DUMBFUCK doesn’t like its own cereal…  

…it can always dial WHINE-1-1 for a 

And just in case it forgot, I packed its new smartphone in its




Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

I was a bit worried that I would have nothing to mock this morning because DUMBFUCK was suddenly disinvited from Twitter yesterday for being a testicle-footed penis.  It seems Twitter is as incapable of learning as DUMBFUCK is. But then again, as the scorpion said to the tortoise just before they both drowned, “It’s just my nature. You knew what I was when you let me climb on your back.”


By which I mean, DUMBFUCK don’t gotta exercise a lick of common sense.

When my daughter got her cell phone, ZombieMom and I sat down and had a talk with her about sexting.  Of the several things we covered, one of the most important was this:

Sexting consequence 2

It’s embarrassing. The girl in the photo meant her picture for her boyfriend’s eyes only, but that’s not how it ended up. Once something’s on a cell phone, it can be forwarded, uploaded, downloaded, edited, and passed around the Internet and around the world. While the girl in the photo meant her picture for her boyfriend, if they break up, he’ll still have the photo and can do whatever he wants with it. Sexting consequences have included teens who have attempted suicide, and one girl recently succeeded in taking her own life because her photo was forwarded to everyone in her school. Nothing is worth that type of embarrassment. Ever.

Consider where the ultimate responsibility lies when a naughty picture escapes onto the Internet.  There was a recent scandal regarding several celebrities’ phones being hacked and nude pictures leaking into the internet. Snapchat’s business model rests on the idea that whatever a user sends is auto deleted after a few seconds from the destination device, but what is left unsaid is that all messages and images go into, and are permanently stored on, Snapchat’s  internal servers.

There are only three ways to keep potentially embarrassing photos offline:

  1. Don’t take the photo in the first place;
  2. Don’t store it on a hackable device;

Middle school girls know this. Internet investigative journomalistic DUMBFUCKS do not.

Apparently not!

In my email yesterday I found a photo.  The sending address was obviously fake, and the message was signed Mort in Maryland.

The photo wasn’t particularly graphic; certainly nothing illegal. I can tell you that I wouldn’t want to see a picture of my wife in that state circulating around the Internet like a Kim Kardashian video. Sure, she’s two weeks from dying, but it looks more like two minutes.  I think only a sadistic sociopath would want to even TAKE that picture, much less keep it. If someone over the age of 7 gave me this picture as a gift for me to cherish, I would have to question their sincerity and they would probably spend the next several weeks eating through a straw.

But anyway…now I’ve got this photo, taken in room 411B, the woman in the photo with such a frail, put-the-camera-down-you-sick-fucking-ghoul expression, the partial finger obscuring the left side of the lens…really, really sad on so many levels.  What should I do about it?

I could post it right here and now. That would be fun, watching it try to spin that “THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!!” will be hilarious. Especially since I know even more about this photo than I am saying here.

Instead, let’s do this:  as far as I know, there has been no obituary published, and every obituary needs a photo.

So, if DUMBFUCK would care to continue its madness, I may visit several regional newspapers, money orders in hand, and buy big, flowery obits in its name. And oh, the charitable organizations I could name in lieu of flowers!

On the other hand, if it stops…I won’t have any FUN.

But we already know that’s not an incentive.  Neither is the notion that it wants to keep that photo private.  It sent THE SAME PHOTO in separate emails to separate destinations.  Do you think it knew that by doing that it was robbing itself of the ability to identify which of its harassment targets passed it on to me through back channels?

I’ll bet a year’s pay it didn’t think of that, because DUMBFUCK!!!

And now it’s over a barrel.  To paraphrase DUMBFUCK, I hope it doesn’t force me into doing something unpleasant, because my options are limited.



So This is How He Wants It? Cry Havoc!

And let slip the dogs of war!

It seems that Bill “Fair Use For Me But Not For Thee” Schmalfeldt has posted an email he received from Aaron Walker in response to one of his empty, self-serving requests for a “moratorium” on family insults.

He had the gall to open the post with this twaddle:

©2015 by Bill Schmalfeldt

Aaron responded with both barrels. Add in the devastation of several mortars, some fixed artillery, a small aerial bombardment and for the cherry on the insult to injury sundae, a particularly well-placed shot from a flaming trebuchet.  In other words, well within the bounds of reason. My particularly favorite part was when Aaron said “and if you don’t like what I am saying now, maybe you shouldn’t have written such a fucking hypocritical request.” Yeah, go figure.

In return, Billy-boy offered to provide Aaron’s contact information so that anyone could contact Aaron to “tell him what you think of his letter and this blatant extortion.” I actually might take Billy up on it just so I can send Aaron one of my world-famous cheesecakes if that’s the sort of goodie he likes.

Now, we here at The Thinking Man’s Zombie would never, ever, ever think of doing the same, as Billy refers to himself as a “private citizen.”  And he is clearly in a difficult place emotionally since today ends in “y.”

But, if you would like William’s home address so that you could drop off a nice footlong-and-mayo casserole while he and TJ wait for when the vigil ends, or if you’d like to call or email him just to let him know you’re thinking of him, you can find that information conveniently located in the signature block of every LOLsuit he has ever filed, including several failed ones against the HZIC of this very site. And let’s not forget the LOLsuit that includes Patrick Grady as well if we are being fair.

Feel free. I’m sure he’d appreciate the gesture.


Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

Good Lord!  For those of us who spend much time mAkIng jokes, there are so many names for that.  We couLd call it “a fat pitch riGht down the middle,” or it could be “A straIght Line directly from God.”

All any gIfted LauGh mAnufacturer Is required to do for the crowd to join in the LauGhter is mAke sure the plaInLy obvious punch line Gets mAde for the crowd.

If that simpLe task Gets AccomplIshed?

Laughs for everyone!!


Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

Either DUMBFUCK is a practiced sadist, or it is batshit crazy and does not realize the pain it has caused for most of the past decade.

Or it has not yet learned to embrace the power of “AND.”

Really. What has DUMBFUCK ever done to Suzy Breitbart? Connie Hoge? Lauren Stranahan? How many other wives of its “enemies?” Why has it not only written vile and hateful blog posts about some of these women, but created disgusting photoshops, posted photographs incorrectly identifying others as erotic models, as well as publishing their home addresses and encouraging other DUMBFUCKS to visit their homes and rape them?

That was harassment. That was intentional infliction of emotional distress. It did this on purpose when it could easily have kept its stupid fucking mouth shut instead of showing the world what a DUMBFUCK it was and continues to be.

Someday, a DUMBFUCK is going to be sitting by the bedside of a dying wife. I hope the image of what it did just a few short years ago haunts it forever, unless it takes THE CURE before its wife.

Either way, I choose to embrace the power of “AND,” and say — good.


Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!


I betcha DUMBFUCK didn’t pay no $35,000 in licensing fees for the right to publicize Pablo’s nice rack.

And I’ll bet Pablo will confirm in very short order that your average DUMBFUCK BLORKHUFFER is a gigantic hypocrite whose life could only be improved by going Tango Uniform.