Yes, Marvin…

…take this shit seriously.

This is not a game, and if you aren’t careful, perhaps three and a half years from now you will suffer the wrath of Preston-Schmalfeldt (*snerk*) just as deeply as I have.

And let me tell you, having this much fun laughing at idiots every single day can be exhausting.

But someone has to.

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FAILDOX – A How-To Guide

When you commence to faildox someone, it’s always best to start with an assumption that can’t be proved.  A couple examples:

  • A commenter identifying himself by two letters must be using HIS OWN INITIALS, and not someone else’s.
  • A commenter identifying himself by two letters must be using his FIRST and LAST initials, and ONLY IN THAT ORDER. He cannot use a FIRST and MIDDLE initial, or a MIDDLE and LAST initial, and certainly not in reverse order.  That’s just simply against the rules.
  • Sonoran Conservative can only mean he’s from Sonora, California, and not
    • Sonora, Ohio
    • Sonora, North Dakota
    • Sonora, New York
    • Sonora, Missouri
    • Sonora Mississippi
    • Sonora, Kentucky
    • Sonora, Arkansas,
    • Sonora, Arizona
    • Sonora Texas
    • Sonora, Canada
    • Or any of the 5 Sonoras scattered across Mexico.
  • “I started high school at the end of the Carter administration” can only mean 1980. It surely can’t be 1979.
  • Even if 1980 is correct, it absolutely MUST follow that a student starting in 1980 CAN ONLY graduate in 1984. No high school student has ever been held back a year. Nor has any high school student ever been sick or injured and failed to graduate with his class. And even though I know several people from my college who whizzed through high school in just three years, that couldn’t possibly be the case here. Oh, and if I remember correctly, there were still three-year high schools that started with 10th grade in various parts of the country back in 1980. But none of these things could have happened.  That would require due diligence that hotshot investigative reporters just don’t have time for.
  • Here’s another fun thought…was Sonora Union High School the ONLY high school serving that community in 1980? What were the residency boundaries?  If an “MJ” did live in the Sonoma, CA area (again, a very large and unproven assumption), how does one prove that he or she was the only such “MJ” who did, much less prove that – even if there was only one – this person didn’t attend another nearby high school?

By the way, YOU LARDASS, BEETUSJUICE-DRIPPING DUMBFUCK – when you redact information from a document…REDACT IT EVERYWHERE.  Coulter. You are responsible for me knowing that.

Now, I have no doubt that there is a Michael David Jackson who pled guilty in Pierce County, Washington, to raping his stepdaughters.  The evidence is clear and compelling.  Nearly as compelling as the evidence that Brett Kimberlin is the Speedway Bomber, and that he slept with his wife when she was underage.

I also have no doubt that the commenter MJ is Sonoran Conservative.  Not only have I proven it for myself, Sonoran Conservative has admitted that he comments under both handles.

Here’s what’s missing:

Even one scintilla of proof that Michael David Jackson has ever commented on Hogewash!, Thinking Man’s Zombie or BillySez. 

To make that connection, you ASSUMED, COMPLETELY WITHOUT PROOF, that Sonoran Conservative was from Sonora California, rather than Arizona, Arkansas, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, New York, North Dakota, Ohio, Canada or any of five towns in Mexico.

Then you doubled that error by further ASSUMING, COMPLETELY WITHOUT PROOF, that Sonoran Conservative attended Sonora Union High School.

Then, you trebled that error by further ASSUMING, COMPLETELY WITHOUT PROOF, that Sonoran Conservative started at this school in 1980.

Then, you quadrupled that error by further ASSUMING, COMPLETELY WITHOUT PROOF, that Sonoran Conservative graduated from high school in 1984.

Then, you quintupled that error by further ASSUMING, COMPLETELY WITHOUT PROOF, that Sonoran Conservative aka MJ actually has a first name that starts with M and a last name that starts with J.

To summarize…

You can say that Sonoran Conservative = MJ
And you can say that David Michael Jackson = Child Rapist

But your conclusion that MJ = David Michael Jackson springs not from facts but from at least five separate proof-deficient assumptions.

  1. You can’t prove that Sonoran Conservative was ever from Sonora, California…you can only shout it.
  2. You can’t prove that Sonoran Conservative ever attended Sonora Union High School…you can only shout it.
  3. You can’t prove that Sonoran Conservative started high school ANYWHERE in 1980…you can only shout it.
  4. You can’t prove that Sonoran Conservative graduated high school ANYWHERE in 1984…you can only shout it.
  5. You can’t prove that Sonoran Conservative has a first name that starts with M and a last name that starts with J…you can only shout it.

Every fact that follows from those assumptions pertains to Michael David Jackson.  Not a single fact connects him to Sonoran Conservative. In legal parlance, the connections you have drawn from these false assumptions – and they are false – are “Fruit of the poisoned tree.”

Also – and you’re gonna love this – it’s defamation per se! You know…”Falsely accusing someone of a crime?” Yeah, you did that.

And the consequences of that failure will be GLORIOUS to see.

  • Blogs will vanish
  • Tweets will vanish
  • Accounts will go private, then be deleted and REBRANDED!!!
  • Tears will fall from sad cheeks
  • Butts will hurt

DOX?

FAIL.

P.S. Con Man 101 – when your mark wants to be told a particular lie (“my fax machine just rang!”), TELL HIM THAT LIE.

P.P.S.

And in case you wondered, EVERYTHING is already archived, so it’s a waste of time to memory-hole your defamation.

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Good Evening, DUMBFUCK!

I foresee that this will NOT proceed as DUMBFUCK has foreseen.

In fact, I predict – nay, I ASSURE you, dear Zombies – that this is going to blow up in his face.

Off hand, I can think of eight reasons why LOLSUIT VII – The Fat and the Furryious won’t get to trial.

If it gets to trial (it won’t), there are five more reasons it will fail there.

The main reason is, of course, “Plaintiff William M. Schmalfeldt, Sr.”

As to the rest, we don’t educate the monkey when we can PLM instead.

And we will PLM.  A whole lot.

While we watch Know-It-All Barrister Bill take it up the tailpipe.

YET AGAIN.

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Definitely Fake

Really? He’s going to farm out his wrath to the balloon?

How lovely that he’s fabricated a new set of skirts to cower behind!

Is there a bigger cunt move he could make?  I’m coming up empty.

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Wouldn’t It Just Be Easier

…if you stopped pretending you understand how this all works…

…and admitted to yourself and to the world once and for all…

…that you are the DUMBFUCK idiot that even Balloon Boi knows you are?

Or, just keep entertaining us:

As a wise man once whined, “There is no justice for the Schmalelddts of the world, only for HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!!S.”

Some truths are worth writing on Post-It notes and leaving in plain sight.  That’s one of them.

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Now This Is Interesting…

Here’s a list of several pleadings that were docketed today in Hoge v. Kimberlin et al:

Notice that the first two documents listed above are dated May 16 and May 23. I included them so that I could show that the remaining list includes all the filings that have been accepted since that date.

So we have

  • a motion from Defendant 4 (that’s Bill Schmalfeldt) regarding Friday’s Pretrial Hearing.  If I had to guess, he’s probably begging to be allowed to appear via Skype and record the proceedings on his iPhone.
  • a motion from the Kimberlins regarding Friday’s Pretrial Hearing.  Again, if I had to guess, probably a lot of pissing and moaning about not ever going to cooperate with Hoge, not going to show up at the hearing, piss on you Judge, blah-blah-blah.
  • a Rule 2.504.2 statement from the Kimberlins outlining all sorts of evidence they intend to introduce at trial.
  • another Rule 2.504.2 statement from Defendant 4 (Bill Schmalfeldt) listing all sorts of evidence he intends to introduce at trial from blogs and Twitter accounts that he told John Hoge he had no way of providing to him when he asked for them during discovery.
  • Finally, a Motion from Defendant 4 (Bill Schmalfeldt) to Amend his Response to Plaintiff Hoge’s Motion for Summary Judgment.

Wait…what?

Do you think he means THIS motion for Summary Judgment?

The one that was also entered on May 16th, at the same time as Plaintiff’s Motion for Discovery Sanctions against Defendant Schmalfeldt?

Reviewing my docket numbers…I see 151/0 just above right here, and a continuously numbered list running from 152/0 to 158/0 beneath it.

So if Bill Schmalfeldt is requesting to Amend his Response to this Motion for Summary Judgment…wouldn’t there first have to BE a Response to Plaintiff’s Motion for Summary Judgment?

(It doesn’t take a genius to foresee a motion to strike just around the corner, folks.)

But it’s not there.  Neither is the promised Response to Plaintiff’s Motion for Discovery Sanctions.

That’s damn strange.  Unless those responses were incomplete for some reason related to Rule 1-323? Just maybe?

After all, DUMBFUCK gotta DUMBFUCK.

 

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The Things You Learn By Paying Attention

Bill Schmaleldt, sooperleegulljeenyus, has filed 8 LOLSUITS in the last three years.

Seven were filed or counterfiled in federal court. The other was dismissed F from a state court because Bill Schmalfeldt does not understand the rules, and by “does not understand the rules” I mean “is a drooling idiot.”

Of the seven filed in federal court, 3 times he filed an amended complaint, and one suit has an amended complaint pending, according to the DUMBFUCK himself.

Of the three cases where an amended complaint was NOT filed, obviously those cases were dismissed due either to the fatal errors that were left uncorrected or at the request of the plaintiff through his welfare attorney.

The three cases where DUMBFUCK’S amended complaints solved every problem…were wildly successful, if by wildly successful I actually mean dismissed by the most basic of motions to dismiss.

At least one of those cases (as far as the general public knows) was dismissed based on a motion to dismiss filed by the Worst Attorney in the World, whom DUMBFUCK is too great a coward to name as a defendant in LOLSUIT VIII – The Fat and the Furryious.

Another of those three suits was dismissed WITH PREJUDICE by the plaintiff himself, and oh, how the fear pee flowed that day, and when DUMBFUCK fled Maryland.

The last of the three LOLSUITS that DUMBFUCK Bill Schmalfeldt amended to solve all the fatal flaws was dismissed for no discernible reason. Thank God for that, too, because if there is one thing that our Ballonpricker has shown the world over three years of futility, it’s that he LEARNS FROM THE FEW MISTAKES HE HAS EVER MADE.

Grady, Hoge, Johnson and Palmer are obviously doomed. They should lawyer up and get their check-writing hands warmed up.

THIS TIME…he’s solved it all. For sure.

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Let’s Get This on the Record and Out of the Way Right Now

During yesterday’s wonderful monkey dance by the Great Weeping Pussy of Clinton, Iowa, this tweet appeared:

No one who has observed DUMBFUCK for more than a weekend or so is unfamiliar with his distaste for anyone who sticks their booger vault into someone else’s business.  Why who could forget the many times DUMBFUCK himself stuck his own mucus repository into Aaron Walker’s business?  If there is anything one can glean from those episodes, one thing is clear:  Bill Schmalfeldt has nothing but contempt for people who play a lot of video games.

I guess it’s a good thing he doesn’t know anybody like that.

But I digress.

This coward in Iowa will not put up with people who go and insert themselves into conversations where they haven’t been invited to reply!

Say, what’s my Twitter handle doing in those tweets?

Oops.

I should amend my prior statement.

This coward in Iowa will not put up with people who go and insert themselves into conversations where they HAVE been invited to reply, but who then proceed to thoroughly embarrass and cause to monkeydance the punkass shitsniffing cocksnogger who did the inviting. 

Because giant, sand-stuffed pussy.

But really, DUMBFUCK has a long and storied history of whining like a worthless bitch at the following times:

  1. when people stick their booger vaults where he doesn’t want them stuck;
  2. when people call him out for sticking his snotbank where he has no right to stick it;
  3. when people decide to engage the Amazon Vagina Warrior Princess du Jour behind whose skirts he is currently cowering; and
  4. any other time.

So when this tweet showed up in my notifications…

 

I thought it was interesting, someone sticking their booger vault into something that was none of their affair, to paraphrase an idiot. Unless of course that pussy went begging to his new Warrior Princess for aid and succor. But Big, Bad, Brave Billy would never do that just for someone he knows he could curbstomp, would he?

“NOW YOU STOP RESPONDING TO TWEETS WHERE I MENTION YOU OR I’M GOING TO CURBSTOMP YOUR ASS!!!

Right.

I’m confident you’ll figure out the technique by the sixth or seventh try. Will you be leaning on your cane or sitting in your walker?

He says he has a phone number.  He never calls.

He says he has an address.  He never writes and never drops by.

It’s not a tough riddle to solve…that puddle of urine isn’t going to mop itself up, is it, DUMBFUCK?

In any case, @redheadturkey was not part of the conversation.  Had not even been mentioned before appearing UNINVITED.  It’s the kind of thing that sand-packed weeping vaginas like the Coward of Clinton County simply will not countenance.

But what’s done is done. It’s on the record. It’s archived. When DUMBFUCK Bill Schmalfeldt makes CaptiveNurseReno his newest sword and shield, and cries “Look how they treat her…just for being fool enough to fall in love with me! (or words to that effect)” remember:

Reno/@redheadturkey CRASHED THIS PARTY of her own free will.  No one had spoken to her or about her…except DUMBFUCK. She stepped up and invited upon herself everything that may follow. I hope she’s smarter than her idiot boyfriend and knows better than to blame someone else for what she just stepped into.

And a last word of caution:  The Cowardly Lion will blame somebody, and who’s going to be handy in the Deep South?

Bless your heart, darlin’. Bless your li’l ole heart.

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Some Questions Are Answered Before They Are Even Asked

Why would DUMBFUCK move away from his hometown after just a couple of months?


Oh. Well, I guess that explains it. People know him there.

And he got fired.

Like Bob said, those many years ago…”That poor girl.”

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Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!


Better off than whom? Gail?

Agreed. In life or in death, in her choice of spouse, in her place in the hereafter, in any possible measure…John Hoge’s wife was, is, and ever shall be better off than Bill Schmalfeldt’s Captive Nurse.

On the other hand, there are not many people about whom it could be said that their life on Earth got better the moment they left it. Congratulations, Gail. She may have thought true love and slavery were the same thing, but ultimately that’s down to the sociopathic narcissism of He Who Will Not Be Muzzled because Principles And Shit (though not necessarily in that order).

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