Good Afternoon, DUMBFUCK!

You know, when it comes to “turd lickers,” (did I ever tell you how much I admire your turn of a phrase? GOD, I HOPE NOT!) there’s only one person I can think of who has ever come close to doing so…

I have never seen anything like this.  I have never SMELLED anything like this.
The smell, best as I can describe it, reminds one of a mixture of rotting fish, lawn clippings and chemical cleansers.
If you’re watching the video I shot today, this is what was coming out of me that you can NOT see in the video!
Now, you’re going to think this odd. But at this point, I don’t CARE!
When I wiped, there was this little bright green glob on the paper.  I decided to examine it.
I rolled it around a little. I sniffed it. It was like a booger, only far, FAR stinkier! Never — NEVER — have I seen such a thing in my stool.
And I think we all know who that is, don’t we?
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Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

How did the turd get in the punch bowl?  Good question!!

Let’s see…do we know anyone with an obsessive interest in all things ASS and a documented inability to reach the toilet in a timely manner?

Why, yes!  Yes we do!
I got something for ya! Pull my finger!

Really the only question left is, did he roll it into a ball and sniff it first?

 

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It’s A Right Shock, Ain’t It?

Bill Schmalfeldt, insulting people by calling them developmentally disabled (go ahead Bill! Don’t be a coward! Call him “retarded!” You know you want to!), AND writing about poop!

Could you at least try something different, if not necessarily original next time?

Make a departure and think of something that you don’t do yourself, like

  • “he pulls the wings off flies”
  • “he throws firecrackers at puppies”
  • “he shaves hamsters before playing Lemmiwinks”
  • “he forces the kitchen staff to randomly mix earthworms into the vermicelli”

Anything!  Go to some random phrase generator site for inspiration.

Or, what the hell – just keep on being the predictable stupid DUMBFUCK we know and love.

It’s FUN.

 

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I Suppose This Was Inevitable

I mean, Mister Sterling Reputation has been figuratively showing his ass all over the internet for a decade or more.

It was only a matter of time before he took the…uh…logical? (WTF?) next step.

tweet

Looks like you forgot something…

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An Old Lesson, Repeated

There are certain facts worth remembering and certain things we do not do.  Because it is clear that someone has forgotten, let me remind the Horde in general of the Five Principles…

  1. We do not visit DUMBFUCK websites without protection.
  2. We do not leave comments at DUMBFUCK blogs. EVER. No matter how protected we think we are.
  3. We do not send email to DUMBFUCK. EVER. No matter how protected we think we are.
  4. We archive whenever possible.
  5. We never violate these principles. EVER.  Because there are unpleasant consequences for doing so.

  1. IF we violate the first Principle, we are libeled as stalkers and doxed.
  2. IF we violate the second Principle, we can be sure that DUMBFUCK will attach a pornographic picture from his own library and falsely report harassment to any employer he can find.
  3. IF we violate the third Principle, we can be sure that DUMBFUCK will falsify the headers AND the message, and claim harassment.
  4. IF we fail to heed the fourth Principle, valuable evidence may be lost to the next target of his vexatious litigation.
  5. IF we violate any of the first four Principles, we also violate the Fifth Principle.

Therefore, we do not violate the Five Principles.


If you are unable to follow any of the Principles, there are precautionary measures you should take. I say should, because I cannot say must.

  1. IF YOU MUST violate the first Principle, do it from a public Wi-Fi outlet like a coffee shop, a retail store, or a public library.  Be sure to find a quiet corner or a screen with a privacy filter, because you never know what self-created filth DUMBFUCK will publish for God and everyone looking over your shoulder to see.
  2. IF YOU MUST violate the second Principle, TAKE A SCREEN CAP AND POST IT TO IMGUR.COM.  DUMBFUCK will take any comment from any IP he does not recognize, and he will alter it to include harassing – or more likely – pornographic images or pictures of his poop. He will also work in a reference to his wife at every opportunity to increase the victimization factor.  Take a photo of your comment in moderation, because you will only get one comment before being banned, so there is a record of what you actually said.     
  3. IF YOU MUST violate the third Principle, BLIND COPY SOMEBODY! Seriously, don’t be an idiot. And save the headers.
  4. DO NOT WORRY too much about the fourth Principle.  Someone is ALWAYS running overwatch.
  5. IF YOU HAVE thus violated the fifth Principle, consider self-reporting it to your employer, if you have one that cares about such things.  The advance warning to “Google Bill Schmalfeldt” has come to represent a +20 defensive spell in the MMORPG that is the World Wide Web of Minecraft, or something.

 

Oh God, my inner nerd escaped! Somebody grab him!!

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A Reminder of How Wars End

Capture

Every time.

EVERY. TIME.

This terrorist-jock-sniffing DUMBFUCK files a lawsuit, an instant loser, apparent to any reasonable observer.

He crows about owning cars, houses, ALL THE THINGS!!!

And the defendants simply play by the rules defined rather than the rules he wants.

And he stomps his jimmies.

Every time.

EVERY. TIME.

And when the moment comes around, as it always does, when he can no longer deny the reality of his failure and he realizes that he must find that impossible path of escape from his own foolishness…

Someone tells him how.

Pay. Apologize. Change.

It’s the only way.

And he says, “They want me to eat a big bowl of shit.”

Yes.  Exactly.

It’s his own shit.  He built that.  Of course he should eat it.  He probably won’t change his ways even if he did, but if he doesn’t there’s no possible way.

And he says no.

Every time.

EVERY. TIME.

“I won’t change until you leave me alone,” he says. “I’m just going to keep stalking toddlers and threatening families and collecting restraining orders until you stop saying mean things about me. Because journalism.”

But we tried that.  More than once.  He doesn’t make threats, he makes promises.  Sometimes he even signs a contract.

And then he breaks those promises.  Because

PARKINSONS! EXECUTIVE FUNCTION! IMPULSE CONTROL! MAYONNAISE!

There’s a reason that everyone here knows that his harassment of others will not end until he can no longer interact with the internet.

He’s an Internet Crack Whore.  The Amy Winehouse of the World Wide Web, only with no discernible talent. (disclaimer: Joke. Insult. Protected Speech. Fuck off.)

As the sign says, If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always got.

Every time.

EVERY. TIME.

He doesn’t get that no one is afraid of him.

He doesn’t get that in his new situation, he has a lot more to lose than any of his perceived adversaries, and a lot more talent arrayed against him to make it happen.

A LOT MORE.

If the alternative to losing everything involves parting with some money and some dignity that he never had to begin with, plus a figurative appointment with a bowl and spoon, well…

He should take his own advice:

“If you have to eat shit, best not to nibble. Bite, chew, swallow, repeat. It goes quicker.”

And the nice thing is he doesn’t even have to wash the spoon first.


TO THE DEFENSE TEAM: DUMBFUCK LACKS THE RESOURCES TO WIN AND THE SELF-AWARENESS TO SURRENDER. SO BE IT. PLEASE DON’T LET HIM ESCAPE THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS BAD ACTS THIS TIME.

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Oh, DUMBFUCK!

PART THE 1ST:

9-30-2015 9-05-29 AM

Why is it always THE BUTT STUFF?  (And even if I did play with it, do you think I’d be stupid enough to blog about it?  The Internet Is Forever!)  It betrays obsession and latent issues from childhood.  But remember what Robin Williams said:  “Better latent than never.” In any case:

monkey_dance

 

PART THE 2ND:

9-30-2015 9-06-22 AM

Just because nobody has purchased its wall smearings doesn’t mean we haven’t acquired and listened to them for free.  Because DUMBFUCK is a DUMB FUCK.

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Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

  
Two questions:

  1. Which weighs more – a printed copy of all the fat jokes ever made about DUMBFUCK, or DUMBFUCK?
  2. If you took that printout and burned it to – oh, hell, I’ll say it – ASHES, would they fit in the urn beside what’s left of the Terrapin Truck Plaza’s favorite piece of badonkadonk (it’s one word, DUMBFUCK)?
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