In The News

Sources are telling TMZNN (Thinking Man’s Zombie News Network) of an incident that occurred in a Home Station hardware store on West Holt Avenue in Milwaukee this morning.

An employee called the police after an elderly man on a red mobility scooter spent fifteen minutes chasing employees up and down the aisles.

“He was kinda crazy,” said cashier Sally Mendez.  “He said he was looking for caulk.  Jack Winston took him right to aisle 17.  But he just got mad and started yelling.

Winston, a floor manager with eight years experience at Home Station, concurred.  “He was very upset. He said it was the wrong caulk.  He kept screaming ‘I NEED BLACK CAULK!! NOW I CAN FINALLY GET THE BLACK CAULK I’VE ALWAYS WANTED, WHY CAN’T ANYBODY GIVE ME SOME BLACK CAULK?’ I told him we only had white caulk and some leftover hot pink caulk on the shelf, but he said that wouldn’t do.  I told him we could special order any color of caulk he wanted.  He said he needed all the black caulk he could get his hands on, and he needed it right now.”

When told the police were on their way, the man sped out the door and escaped.  Another employee, Jason Milling, was injured when he tried to hold the man for police.  The assailant pointed his cart at Milling and ran over the employee’s foot when Milling was unable to get out of the way of the speeding scooter.

“Man, that dude was weird.  He came my way and I could hear him saying ‘Go Scootypuff, go!’ He nearly fell off the thing when it hit my foot. He was laughing as he drove off, and screaming about black caulk, where’s the black caulk.  He didn’t care if I was okay.”  Milling was treated at the scene.

Police are looking for an extremely white man in his early sixties with long, unkempt hair, wearing blue capri pants, a red Hawaiian muu-muu, black horn-rimmed glasses and a porkpie hat.  He was last seen heading west toward St. Francis.

If you see this man, do not approach him.  He may be a danger to himself or others.  Especially if you like to wave around your black caulk.

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So, Um…Yeah.

Not that this has anything to do with anything, but this caught my eye.

From Wired.com, the Absurd Creature of the Week:  a leech that – get this! – survives by sucking the blood from a hippopotamus’ ass.

Seems like that’s a metaphor for something.

Damned if I know what, though.

Maybe the Horde should have a say.

[Editor’s Note:  I would not expect the Absurd Creature of the Week (ACOTW) to become a featured thing around here.  This particular example, while more than sufficiently strange, seems like a better fit elsewhere.  Just sayin’.  – PK]

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Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

Dave Barry can write about colonoscopies and be entertaining because Dave Barry is funny.

DUMBFUCKS cannot write about colonoscopies because DUMBFUCKS are neither entertaining nor funny.  At least, not in ways that they intend to be.

Another difference between Dave Barry and a DUMBFUCK is that one of these has a working knowledge of appropriate social boundaries…

AND THE USE OF VISUAL AIDS!

Oh, look!  FAIR USE!

 

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So This Is Really A Performance Art Thing?

Some Sheila down under is doing Va-Jay-Jay knitting?  Really?  Please tell me the National Endowment for the Arts gave this a thumbs-down.

As performance art, I won’t be really impressed until she shoves a ball of yarn up there and fifteen minutes later pulls out a pair of mittens.  Not only would I pay to see that, I might even buy the mittens.

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