And Who Better To Recognize A Toothless Threat Than DUMBFUCK Bill Schmalfeldt?

0 for VIII, anyone?

Let me guess…some of your best friends are Jews, too!  Just like anti-Semite racist woman-hater (thank God you’re just a pecker wrecker sockpuppet!) Bill Schmalfeldt?

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Drawing A Straight Line From Bill Schmalfeldt to Pedophilia, Racism, Misogyny, Anti-Semitism, Drugs & Terrorism

THE FOLLOWING IS A PARODY OF THE POST LINKED HERE: http://www.breitbartunmasked.com/2017/10/09/drawing-a-straight-line-between-robert-mercer-and-nazis/, WRITTEN BY BILL PRESTON-SCHMALFELDT (oh, how PRECIOUS!!) ON OCTOBER 9, 2017.
DO NOT CLICK THAT LINK (IT ISN’T A REAL LINK ANYWAY). IT WILL ONLY ENCOURAGE HIM. BESIDES, THE POST WILL SOON BE DELETED IN A FLOOD OF FEAR PEE, WHICH IS THE HALLMARK OF PRIDE THAT PUNCTUATES THE PATHETIC EXISTENCE OF THE AUTHOR.
INSTEAD, READ THE POST WHERE IT HAS BEEN ARCHIVED AS ETERNAL PROTECTION AGAINST THE INEVITABLE DELETION AND SPOLIATION OF EVIDENCE THAT WILL TAKE PLACE SOMETIME SOON.

SAFE LINK: http://archive.is/jYG4S


It’s a simple matter of “unnecessary air-quote” connecting the dots “unnecessary air-unquote:” Drawing a straight line from transient left wing idiot, Stolen Valor veteran, welfare whore and cyberstalking harasser Bill Schmalfeldt to brass knuckles reputation management lawfare aficionado Brett Kimberlin, the convicted Speedway Bomber, domestic terrorist, drug dealer and forger, one-time wannabe rockstar and champion of the movement to, um… “romance” underage girls in the name of pedophilia, a philosophy that is the direct opposite of normal, though not for lack of effort on the part of the enlightened, progressive Left. (It emphasizes that romantic and sexual relationships between adults and children who are legally and emotionally incapable of consent is perfectly fine.

A recent piece in BuzzFeed (which we aren’t going to link because we’re assholes like that here at Cabin Boy Unread) had absolutely nothing to do with the relationship between welfare whore Bill Schmalfeldt and adjudicated pedophile Brett Kimberlin, but you can find plenty of information here.

Schmalfeldt is currently in his second stint as the editor of Breitbart Unmasked (no, I won’t link to it – malware warnings), a website connected to Kimberlin and given to publishing multiple fawning profiles about him while ignoring his criminal history and epic failures at shutting up his critics via lawfare. Schmalfeldt, who tries to portray himself as a glib, sarcastic satirical genius and investigative journalist on this website as well as hundreds of other failed blogs, podcast channels and Twitter accounts he has created, then abandoned or had yanked from public view over the last decade, has also authored many self-published masturbatory fantasies disguised as “exposés” of people he has continuously tried and failed to sue for defamation and other false claims. Many of these books have also been pulled from online bookshelves due to copyright violations.

There’s not much about Schmalfeldt’s public rantings to love.

  • He has written, performed and offered for sale audio skits featuring Cub Scouts discussing and engaging in homosexual acts with one another in pornographic detail;
  • He has written, performed and offered for sale audio skits referring to African American characters as “boy” and referring to them as house servants;
  • He has written, produced and performed audio skits in which he imagines himself disinterring dead babies and eating them;
  • He has published photos of himself eating live kittens;
  • He has referred to Ali Akbar, an African American, as “boy;”
  • After a confederate suggested that the wife of one of the targets of his harassment should be raped, Schmalfeldt helpfully provided the street address on Twitter, while not in any way agreeing with the whole rape thing (wink, wink);
  • He has additionally said, dozens if not hundreds of times, that this same target of his harassment pimped out his wife, while not in any way suggesting that the wife herself was a whore (nudge, nudge);
  • He has insulted the Filipino spouse of a Virginia attorney by suggesting that she was a mail order bride, and that the lawyer might “send her packing back to Asia where he purchased her;” (say no more, say no more)
  • Even though he himself barely graduated high school, and may in fact have been graduated just to get him out of the local educational system, he often refers to women who offer opinions he cannot understand as “dim twats,” “stupid cunts,” “cum-gargling fuckwits” or any of the multiple possible combinations thereof;
  • He has made anti-Semitic statements referring to slaving away like Israelites for Pharoah;
  • He and his insipid balloon animal of a girlfriend regularly insult their perceived adversaries – and believe me, do they ever have to punch up – with homosexual slurs such as gays, fags and faggots;
  • He has published gleeful Twitter rants apophatically referring to one columnist as a “closeted repressed homosexual,” a “simpering, limp-wristed glory-hole queen,” an “angry, self-hating homosexual” and a “pillow-biting studded leather collar-wearing bukkake boy,” as if such sexual orientations were off the normal scales and somehow worthy of scorn;
  • On at least one occasion, he has photoshopped his perceived enemies into homosexual pornographic photographs, as if being homosexual were something to be ashamed of.

The things he says in private are far worse, far more insidious and despicable.

An anonymous but trusted source has provided Thinking Man’s Zombie with communications with Schmalfeldt, in which Schmalfeldt shares his glee over bashing peoples’ skulls with rocks, glorifying over the imagery of kicking people out of their homes, taking away their children’s inheritances, getting them fired from their jobs after doxing them, and shoving lit M-80s up the rectums of their pets just like when he was a kid.

Schmalfeldt is far less glib and urbane when discussing his violent dreams out of sight of the public. He brags about an in situ plot to overthrow the government of the United States, saying that a large number of generals and admirals are on board and ready to move if Donald Trump goes a step too far.  He is either delusional or a liar, but at times like this there is nothing like the power of AND.  Schmalfeldt now has the time to work on funding his latest projects…fleecing the left-wing idiots of America to fund a 48 state “bucket list” road trip along with about $2500 of new toys to “document” the journey, grifting for a brand new mobility scooter that Medicare would pay for if only he could find a competent doctor to prescribe for him, and pro se prosecuting yet another Federal LOLSUIT that has less than a snowball’s chance in Hell of getting to trial.

Is Schmalfeldt just thumping his concave chest? Preening like a peacock, trying to impress the reader with his illusory power and might?

Well, obviously!

And if it isn’t all just talk, where is the funding coming from?

That question takes us back to the beginning.

Brett Kimberlin is a convicted bomber who was found civilly liable for the death of one of his victims but hid all his assets to avoid paying the judgment. He is a convicted forger, drug dealer and perjurer who has spent years along with thousands of dollars engaging in lawfare against many with whom he shares common hatred along with Bill Schmalfeldt. Also, he blew $9000 to buy a fake Russian dossier on Donald Trump.

No, really!

Bill Schmalfeldt is a friend of Brett Kimberlin, by his own admission:

Who’s to say that Kimberlin is not funding Schmalfeldt’s dreams of almost-beachside month-to-month rental retirement in a Myrtle Beach motel-gone-cheap-condo? How do we know Kimberlin is not laughing up his sleeve behind the scenes at Schmalfeldt’s impotent fist shaking dreams of crushing his enemies THIS TIME, AT LONG LAST!!! in a South Carolina court with a case far more flimsy than he has ever had before, even more flimsy than the case that caused a court-conscripted welfare lawyer in Chicago to fire him and run him out of town, shaking with derisive pointage, laughery and mockification?

We don’t know.

Maybe it’s time to start asking questions?

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You Want To Talk Scoreboard? Okay, Let’s Talk Scoreboard

And remember, this is an accounting which is VERY GENEROUS to the gelatinous vermin Bill Schmalfeldt.  It does not account for individual counts filed against individual defendants in his LOLSUITS.  If it did, his humiliation would be even greater.


LOLSUIT I:

Schmalfeldt filed 4 counts against 10 defendants (including yours truly).

Scoreboard says:

SCHMALFELDT – 0, Defendants – 4


LOLSUIT II

Schmalfeldt filed 8 counts against 3 defendants (including yours truly).

Scoreboard says:

SCHMALFELDT – 0, Defendants – 8


LOLSUIT III

Schmalfeldt filed 4 counts against 4 defendants (including yours truly).

Scoreboard says:

SCHMALFELDT – 0, Defendants – 4


Let’s take a break and check the running total:

SCHMALFELDT, BIG FAT ZERO (in life as well as on the scoreboard) – 0

All Civil Defendants – 16

Back to the breakdown…


LOLSUIT IV

Schmalfeldt filed 3 counts against 4 defendants (including yours truly).

Scoreboard says:

SCHMALFELDT – 0, Defendants – 3


LOLSUIT V

Schmalfeldt filed 4 counts against 7 defendants (leaving out yours truly).

Scoreboard says:

SCHMALFELDT – 0, Defendants – 4


The running total:

SCHMALFELDT, STILL A BIG FAT ZERO (in life as well as on the scoreboard) – 0

All Civil Defendants – 23

This concludes the Maryland portion of our show, as DUMBFUCK fled to Wisconsin to escape the consequences of his perjured IFP application and the legal wizardry of David Edgren (hope the bike ride is going well, David!).

Back to the breakdown…


LOLSUIT VI

Schmalfeldt filed 4 counts against 6 defendants (leaving out yours truly).

Scoreboard says:

SCHMALFELDT – 0, Defendants – 4


LOLSUIT VII

Schmalfeldt filed 6 counts against 2 defendants (leaving out yours truly).

Scoreboard says:

SCHMALFELDT – 0, Defendants – 4


LOLSUIT VIII

Schmalfeldt filed 4 counts against 4 defendants (leaving out yours truly).

Scoreboard says:

RESULT PENDING BUT VIRTUALLY CERTAIN


Current running total:

BIG FAT LOSER BILL SCHMALFELDT – 0

Everyone he’s ever tried to sue – 33 (with 4 counts pending)


It’s hardly a surprise that he never wants to talk about THAT scoreboard, unless it’s to whine like a pussy about never having reached a point where his bullshit claims could be judged on lost on the merits.

To ask why is to answer the question, though.

Here’s an exit question: does government health insurance cover injuries sustained from sticking one’s tiny little penis into a wood chipper or the human equivalent? Asking for a friend…

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Top Of the Line Product, DUMBFUCK!

Guess what I just pulled out of my ass?

Well…at first glance…maybe…

Give it a second look, and not so much…

What is it, ten years old? Fifteen?  Nothing close to “new” in any case. Looks like you picked it up at Goodwill for maybe $20.  Apparently, no reputable physician (or physician’s assistant) is going to prescribe a Lardwagon for someone so crippled by Parkinson’s disease. That’s…weird.

Those tiny little wheels.  A stiff ocean breeze is going to knock this Beetusbarrow right over, even with 290 lbs of ballast.

Speaking of wheels and ballast, is it just me or is the front wheel about an inch off the ground, ya fat fuck? I’ll bet you have to get your weight up over your knees to be able to steer the thing, to say nothing of relieving the burden on the back wheels to get any traction.

I’d love to see video of you taking it off the boardwalk and onto the beach. It will quit within six inches of the rear wheels hitting sand, and it will only get that far because of momentum.

The seat isn’t nearly wide enough for your greasy ass. We already know what are horrible driver you are – one little curb rub (you’re famous for that) and you’ll be on the sidewalk sure as hell.

Is your balloon Dianimal sturdy enough to tip it back upright? Can she get you up off the ground? Or do the lifeguards call the Beached Whale Patrol?

Better stock up on gauze and Bactine – I see a lot of road rash in your future.

On the plus side, you can easily fit four 750ml bottles of Johnnie Walker Red in that basket, so good for you!  Looks like you’ll need a pretty long straw to reach it, though.

I see you claim to enjoy an occasional top shelf scotch – I don’t think that’s something a poopsniffing pauperis pro-se prosecutor should be proudly proclaiming in his profile.  Probably (provably) premature.

But then…

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Who Exactly Was Dancing?

You made WJJ Hoge dance, did you?

You mean like this?

Mr. Hoge not only induced you to dance, DUMBFUCK, but he also got Inflataskank and the Anklebiter in on the act, too!

Everyone hit that Hogewash! Tip Jar to express thanks for the virtuoso performance!

And then it was MY turn!

So DUMBFUCK…you’re so deeply knowledgeable about the operations of the US Marshals regarding the service of defendants for poopsniffing pauper pro se prosecutors. Do you expect anyone to believe that you didn’t know all this when you LIED UNDER OATH to a North Carolina Judge about NEEDING to find out Sarah Palmer’s current address so you could share it with the U.S. Marshals, when you were actually using that as a transparent pretense to harass her?

OOPSIE POOPSIE!

Of course by this point, you were really feeling that Monkey Dance groove, because you went off on your own little tangent!

Answer: Nothing of consequence.

I’m not a party to this case, regardless of what you think you can or cannot prove, DUMBFUCK.  But I am smart enough to understand why Mr. Nettles filed a Notice of Appearance on behalf of ALL NAMED DEFENDANTS before a single summons was returned.

Not that I would tell you.  We don’t educate DUMBFUCK monkeys here, no matter how well they dance or how pitifully they beg.

WOW!! Then won’t you look like a genius when Mr. Nettles files that motion on Grady’s behalf!

But will you look like a bigger genius DUMBFUCK or a lesser genius DUMBFUCK than when you tried to add DOE, POE & ROE (YOUR BOAT) defendants to your lawsuit?

PERMISSIVE JOINDER!
PRO SE PROSECUTOR!
ADULT IN THE ROOM!
U.S. MARSHALS!
SCHMALFELDT AM LAW!
PARKINSON’S DEMENTIA!
CAN’T DRIVE ON SLASHED TIRES!
DANCE, MONKEY! DAAAAAAAANCE!!

Now…where was I?

How is that gonna look?  Perfectly legal.  Perfectly ethical.  Perfectly reasonable.  Three concepts with which you have EXACTLY ZERO FAMILIARITY.

I could explain to you, because – as always – Smarter. Than. You. But around here, we don’t make this happen:

We make this happen:

“May” be wrong? MAY? So have you sent your friendly little email yet? Did the response from Mr. Nettles, a REGULAR READER of Hogewash! who volunteered his time and talents to defend against your vexatious lawsuit for reasons you will never fathom, PROCEED AS I HAVE FORESEEN?

I suppose we won’t know different unless you publish it…but if I’m right, you never will.  And if I’m wrong…you’ll publish because I made you do it! And you know what that means, don’t you?

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE!!!!!!

And what a convenient segue into John Hoge’s TKPOTD!  Where he MAKES YOU DANCE SOME MORE!

Who says he can’t pay for an adult attorney to sanely kick your ass back to the Stone Age?

Sure you did.  Let’s see it, lying, racist motherfucking DUMBFUCK.

Oh…no more unseemly than

  1. getting a new driver’s license and a car seven years after giving it up because MUST_BIND_THE_CAPTIVE_NURSE, I mean, PARKINSON’S!!! and then
  2. giving it up again as soon as you curb-rubbed your tires to death, acquired a new, inflatable captive nurse doll-puppet, abandoned the Really Useful Ashtray Soulmate and hauled your fat ass to South Kakalaky because you thought you found a jurisdictional loophole (Guess what? Fatal flaws are still fatal).

SUUUUUUUURE you will.  But first, build a shelter…

from pigs on the wing.

Well after all the dancing you did last night, I certainly don’t expect to see it before close of business in the east.  Say, did I congratulate you on your recent move into a shit condo a hundred yards from the ocean RIGHT AS HURRICANE SEASON STARTS?

Perfect DUMBFUCK move.  Be sure and get a Sharpie marker and write your SSN on all your extremities so the rescuers can identify your bloated carcass – it’s just the considerate thing to do.

Oh, and because I’m a good guy…for the pain in your monkeydancing, nutshuffling testiclefeet, brought on by yesterday’s copious dance party?

Try Dr. Scholl’s.

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A Better Get-Rich-Quick Scheme Than Suing for Defamation All Over America

1. Move to North Carolina;

2. Let your soulmate (or inflat-a-skank, as the case may be) get a job;

3. Sue truck drivers for alienation of affection (hell, you might even find a lawyer to TAKE that case!);

4. PROFIT!

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Self Awareness Fail Number Zero for Eight

‘Nuff said.

UPDATE:

On behalf of the Zombie Horde, fuck you, you toothless, cowardly, lying, racist, cocksnogging balloonfucker.

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I Can Think of Five

…specific purposes other than “engendering hate toward someone:”

  1. Pointage
  2. Laughery 
  3. Mockification 
  4. Informing the global community of landlords 
  5. LULZ
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