Good Afternoon, DUMBFUCK!

  
You know, for three long years, all John Hoge ever wanted from this DUMBFUCK was simply to be left alone.  He asked nicely – many, many times – and was ignored -many, many times – until finally involvement by the courts became necessary.

What baffles me (well, not really, it’s just a figure of speech, I’m really quite sharp for a Zombie) is why a DUMBFUCK might ever consider that anyone would take seriously a request/profane demand that it was never willing to agree to itself, especially when the DUMBFUCK can only assume that anyone is talking about it at all?

If a DUMBFUCK has a First Amendment right to write ABOUT anyone it pleases, how could John Hoge, or myself, or anyone else among us be denied the same right to pen a possibly fictional posthumous memoir of an EXTREMELY friendly Maryland truck stop waitress who wasn’t a great server but still gave great service? Or anything else we felt like writing about?

Just asking questions…

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"I MEANT TO DO THAT!"

Of course it meant to do that. Five days of non-stop monkey dancing all because I took my blog private?

That was its plan all along, don’t you see?  DUMBFUCK was so thoroughly convinced that I am Lynn Thomas that it convinced ME that I am Lynn Thomas, and that’s why I ducked for cover so fast! It makes perfect sense…if you’re a DUMBFUCK.

Those of you with memories unclouded by mayonnaise and Johnnie Walker may recall that back on September 28th, the DUMBFUCK saw fit to post a little Top 10 list of things he done but never got caught doing.  #1, a needless cheap shot at Lynn Thomas, is particularly noteworthy for my purposes.

Prior to impending deletion by Mr. I NEVER DELETE TWEETS, YOU LIAR, it could be found at https://twitter.com/dirtyschnitzel/status/648717870944362496

Now, this tweet is saved for posterity at https://archive.is/NzeJi:

10-12-2015 1-54-47 PM10-12-2015 1-53-43 PM

The following day, September 29th, our friend BusPassOffice made note of this same series of Tweets in this comment at Hogewash!

A few days pass.  DUMBFUCK continues his toothless insults of yours truly.  If he ever found a button to push that worked, he’d be awfully impressive to behold.  Until that day…

monkey_dance

The monkey must dance.

Then on October 9th, probably after polishing off another liter of Johnnie (I suppose if a DUMBFUCK can’t remember what it tweeted out 11 short days prior, it probably also doesn’t remember all the times that it has called Stacy McCain an alcoholic either), it re-read the first part of the comment by BPO.  Two lonely brain cells in its noggin canyon must have accidentally bounced off one another and BOOM! a realization.

“I’ve only been harassing Krendler.  I never said anything about Lynn Thomas.  EPWJ (BPO is too many letters to remember) says I harassed Lynn Thomas.  Therefore, Lynn Thomas is Krendler!  Internet Investigator Journalist Does It Again!!! Take that, Johnny Atsign!”

So what to do?  What to do?

Podcast, of course.

The October 9 podcast makes much hay out of BPOEPWJ’s “mistake.” (Which, as we all know, is actually DUMBFUCK’S mistake)  Suddenly, DJ DUMBFUCK thinks it knows who Krendler is, for about the sixth time. And it is wrong, for the sixth time (Actually the fifth time, but we’ll get to that later).

So the podcast covers two main topics.  First is EPWJ’s epic error which put the intrepid newshound back on the trail of Paul Krendler.  Which led it to speculate in its implausibly deniable fashion that perhaps Paul Krendler and Lynn Thomas are somehow linked!

Nope.  Sorry.  Wrong again. (Which is actually poor phrasing – to say “wrong again” implies that there was a moment, however miniscule and insignificant, during which DUMBFUCK was correct about something.  So I should say STILL WRONG AND NEVER YET CLOSE.)

The second topic is a rehash of the Team Kimberlin muckraking of Lynn Thomas, courtesy of Bunny Boy Unread.  Being a Matt Osborne fantasy, there’s really nothing interesting in it, except to hear DUMBFUCK reading aloud in its halting, hesitant cadence, rich with an eight-year-old’s confidence.

The one notable admission that it made came at 1:20:40 in the podcast, when he said, “Wait a minute – Eric Johnson said that I had been harassing Lynn Thomas, and I haven’t mentioned the woman’s name in over a year. The only person I know of, that could claim harassment…would be…the Zombie.  Is Paul Krendler…actually Lynn Martin?”

Lynn Martin?

Does DUMBFUCK have a stalking target that we don’t know about?  Does it have a creepy thing for the former Secretary of Labor?

I’m just asking questions…

But of course the truly interesting admission in that quote is this:  “I haven’t mentioned the woman’s name in over a year.”

We know that isn’t true.

10-14-2015 11-44-47 AM

@dirtyschnitzel has been around for…what? A month? That’s more than a year in DUMBFUCK time, isn’t it?

Wotta DUMBFUCK. And when the comments started appearing here noting the epic mistake that DUMBFUCK had made, I seized the opportunity.

I took this place private.  I set several (not all – not by a long shot) zombie Twitter accounts to private.

Can you say “gaslighting?”  I knew that you could.

Did DUMBFUCK fall down my rabbit hole?  No, he did not.

He screamed “COWABUNGA!!” and dove in headfirst.

I communicated through back channels what I had done and why:

10-14-2015 10-40-06 AMELSEWHERE, I put it like this:

10-14-2015 10-40-33 AM

And did DUMBFUCK go apeshit?  You be the judge.

Here’s a link to its Twitter TL going all the way back to October 2.

Now, why was I able to so quickly get the nutshuffler to start nutshuffling?  It’s quite simple, really.  Every reader remembers when DUMBFUCK published a post recommending that nothing it writes can be counted upon to be true, and everything should be taken with a grain of salt.

Maybe this post is what it was remembering when it said it hadn’t written a word about Lynn Thomas in over a year.

It was wrong then, it has been wrong every other time, and because demons only know a few simple tricks, it has begun to repeat itself.  I suppose Eric Schultz and Mathew C. Ryan (with one ‘t’) will be floating back to the top soon.

But for now, we must face the simple fact of the matter.

DUMBFUCK, you have been played. Again.  You’ve been played so hard that even “DUMBFUCK” falls short as a means of describing just how much you’ve been played.  I’ve seen “Playstation” tossed out there, and it’s close, but frankly you looked more like an old mutt falling for the fake throw, over and over and over and over.  You were played so hard that some of us, when we stopped laughing long enough to catch our breath and take a drink of water, even felt a little sorry for you.

Not me, of course.  But some.  A few. Well…one. I think.

You don’t really inspire much sympathy.  I mean, even a dumb mutt gets wise eventually.

People tried to warn you.  But, no.  Dave was going to give it all away. Even the team poodle Wee Willie went all in.  We tried to tell you to hit the brakes, but you’re man enough to handle Dead Man’s Curve, aren’t you?

Tell me.  How’s the view from the flaming wreck at the bottom of the ravine?

And now you have to save face.  Because none of this is your fault!  You can’t be bothered to check facts, or even remember that you fucked up with this very same faux Krendler over a year ago!  There’s lies to publish!

You know, I understand that someone calling himself Roy Schmalfeldt has accused you of rape.  If I recall correctly, you filed a lawsuit over that.  You called it, and I quote:

“42.  Co-defendant “Roy Schmalfeldt placed plaintiff in a false light and invaded his privacy with his libelous assertion that plaintiff had ‘raped a person I loved.’

And then you dismissed that lawsuit with prejudice.  You do know what it means to dismiss a lawsuit with prejudice, don’t you, Mister ACME LAW EXPERT?

DISMISSAL WITH PREJUDICE. When a case is dismissed for good reason and the plaintiff is barred from bringing an action on the same claim.

Don’t want to be called a rapist?  Should have finished that fight when you had the chance.  Too bad you had to flee the jurisdiction like the weeping vagina you are.  You may be able to rely on the indulgence of better angels than me to ask for decorum, but if you had

  • skin thicker than a Trojan;
  • the manhood to not go Bowling For Butthurt; or
  • one single ounce of self-control…

you’d be a much happier DUMBFUCK.

And I would be a much sadder Zombie.  Because the dancing that filled the last week would end.  Oh, it was so lovely to watch.  And all I had to do to get it rolling was put up a “Gone Fishing” sign.

It was beautiful.

Let’s do it again soon.

Okay?  Deal.

Be well.

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Welcome to DUMBFUCK Academy!

Where you too can learn to be beaten like a dog’s balls and get your chained yanked several times a day as a bonus!

With your instructor, Foghorn Leghorn.

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Game Show Mode

Time for another exciting edition of “Spot the Contradiction!”

Also known as FUN With Fatal Flaws.

It’s a very simple game.  Examine the following image and identify the prime example of base stupidity contained therein.  Obviously there are other minor stupidities here…the judges are only looking for THE BIG ONE.

Ready?

Go!

10-7-2015 10-49-07 AM

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Like She Often Said

Of course we must start here:

Why would I think this DUMBFUCK is as incapable of truth as it is incapable of passing up a Cub Scout rape fantasy? A chance to write about butt stuff? Or to use its condition to rationalize evil behavior?

Why does a stone fall to the ground?

Why does a mad dog bite?

Why is its pasty hide nailed to my wall?

Because it’s the law.

Because it has no choice.

Because all I do is win-win-win no matter what.

The proof of the lie?

A comment from Mrs. Lauren Stranahan, the happily married wife of Lee (with her permission of course):

What so amazes me is how a DUMBFUCK who is both transparent AND full of shit can have the skin tone of a polar bear eating marshmallows in a blizzard?

WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE HARD?

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Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

Hasn’t it learned yet that THE INTERNET IS FOREVER?

I once wrote a 2,000-word essay on Daily Kos about the real reason unenlightened homophobes are against gay-marriage. It’s the ‘butt stuff.’ In this 2,000-word article, about 197-words were dedicated to the same unenlightened straight males who don’t mind anal sex as long as they’re the ones dishing it out, and it’s with a woman. [Emphasis mine – PK]

Since I didn’t include the proper ‘trigger warnings’, the clique at DKos objected to the essay, then banned me for defending it.

Is that the way it really happened?

Take a wild guess.

I zipped up my virtual HAZMAT suit and ventured out to DailyKos to find out for myself.  The original diary [live link, NO TOUCHIE!] is reproduced here in its entirety to avoid “you took that out of context!”

My friends at Little Green Footballs [Broke that link – PK]step forward today with a compelling, scholarly article about why Conservatives fear gay marriage.  If I may borrow a paragraph?

Could this be the correct explanation of the fear? Could it be that conservatives (subconsciously?) believe that if same-sex marriage were to become more accepted and hence more common, heterosexuals would actually begin converting their sexual orientation? Could conservatives really (subconsciously?) believe that gay sex is so much better than straight sex, or that switching one’s sexual preference is, at least for most people, as easy as switching brands? It sounds silly, but you do often hear conservatives fantasizing about gay folks – especially teachers – “recruiting” children who would otherwise be straight, as if changing or determining someone’s sexual orientation – even a child’s – were as easy as giving them the right sales pitch!

As usual, the good folks at LGF are on to something.  But I say the reasons why Conservatives — especially MALE conservatives — have such dread of gay marriage are much more simple and selfish.It’s the “Butt Stuff.”

Male conservatives are convinced that gay men want to put their ying yangs in THEIR BUTTS!  This is a horrifying prospect to your average, stupid male.  This is why a blanket recognition that being gay is a normal variant of human sexuality, to these small, frightened, uneducated men, means society is saying it’s OK for these gay men to put their willy-wallys in YOUR pooter hole!

Follow the logic.

Most stupid men, married or otherwise, enjoy pornography.  They enjoy watching men with their throbbing, erect whatchamacallits do degrading thing to women with them.  Slapping them on the face with it.  Spanking them with it. There is no orifice on a woman’s body that is safe from the probing, pulsating prongs on the popular pornos.  And that includes the pooter hole.  There’s a whole SUBSET of pornography DEVOTED to anal sex.  They give an AWARD at the ADULT VIDEO AWARDS each year to the actress involved in the most erotic Anal Sex scene.

So, it’s not anal sex (as a practice) to which these small, frightened men object.

Heck, if you’re a man and you’re honest with yourself, you LIKE being on the “doling it out”end of anal sex.  How many heterosexual men reading this diary right now have never asked their wife or girlfriend to just take a deep breath, relax, “I’ll just put in the tip and we’ll see how it goes,” and then you ram it home like Captain Kidd jamming his sword back into his scabbard while she hollers “takeitouttakeitouttakeitout” and you tell her to just relax and it won’t hurt so bad and she starts kicking and screaming takeitOUTtakeitOUTtakeit OUTyoufuckingbastardpieceofshit and you finally do (because the walls are thin and your neighbors just LOVE calling the cops) and you tell her she should have at least given herself a chance to relax and enjoy it and she (if she’s your wife) doesn’t let you anywhere near her with “that thing” for weeks and if she’s your girlfriend she stops returning your calls?

So. We’ve established we have no problem with the theory of anal sex.  Or the theory of oral sex, for that matter.  If you’re clean and perform proper hygienic maintenance “down there”, most women will be more than happy from time to time to engage in this particular activity.  And fellows, you know that this is a two way street, right?  T’is well and good to give and receive.

So, no problem with oral sex.

Same sex?  Shoot, that’s fine too!  As long as it’s woman on woman.

This is as old as time itself.  Why do you think the Bible not only authorizes but condones multiple wives for the biblical patriarchs?  Because after a hard day of patriarching, there’s nothing a patriarch likes better than to come home to watch some hot “wife on wife” action(they didn’t have Blu-Ray or DVDs then) before jumping into the wife pile.

Now, with our modern technology, we love watching the ladies do other ladies. If you are married or in a relationship and your wife or girlfriend comes home with an attractive friend, and says “Happy Birthday, honey” as she and her friend peel off their clothes revealing their Victoria’s Secret scanties as they hop onto the bed and start kissing and fooling around for awhile before beckoning you to join them, would you throw your hands up in Conservative horror and quote Leviticus?  NO!  You’d be on that bed, living the dream!  Oh HAPPY day!  What a HAPPY day!

So.  Let’s review.  It’s not anal sex as a practice that we find loathsome.  Nor is it oral sex.  Same sex is not a problem either, as long as those same sexes happen to be two or more women.

(Ever wonder why the Bible never condoned a woman having more than one husband?  I think it was comedian Wanda Sykes who asked if anyone had ever come home from work to find his wife watching a man-on-man porno saying, “Yeah, baby.  Ooooh.  He likes that, doesn’t he?  Oh, yeah, baby.  Give it to him!”)

Therefore, if the Conservative male has no problem with anal sex, oral sex or same sex sex, why the problem with Gay Marriage?

It can’t be the reason they constantly give,”because it threatens the sanctity of marriage.”

I’ve been married three times.  My wife #3 and I have been together since 1988.  The first two failed because I was married to women who couldn’t keep their pants on when I was not around.  “Teh Gay” had nothing to do with it.

So, the real reason people are against Gay Marriage comes down to one of two things.

1.  You are a closeted homosexual, self-loathing, raised in a household that forbade and punished “those kinds of thoughts”.  You have repressed these feelings, have gotten married and have children but can only find real sexual satisfaction with the kind of anonymous sex initiated with a game of “tappy toe” in a Minneapolis Airport Bathroom.  Or,

2. You are ignorant heterosexual who — because YOU would gladly fuck a warm piece of liver if no one was looking — believes that all gay men will find YOU attractive and want to force their sexual attentions on YOU!  Men over 40 don’t even like going to the doctor because they know the doc will stick a well-lubricated, gloved finger “up there.”  The idea of being run to ground by hoards of pantless gay men with their throbbing manhoods acting like divining wands in the search for “virgin ass” terrifies you.  And you KNOW that’s the next step.  You KNOW that’s what gays REALLY want… not monogamous relationships with people they love.  Hell, YOU have a monogamous relationship with someone YOU love and yet every time you go out of town on a business trip you’re balls deep in some hooker you met on Craigslist by 11:13 pm!  That’s why you’re against gays in the military.  All gays want to have sex with YOU!  You just KNOW it.  So if you were in the Army and had to take a shower with GAY people looking at you, it would be a constant battle to maintain your anal virginity.  If you were in a FOXHOLE (God forbid) with a GAY, then nobody would be securing the perimeter because you would be too busy securing your ANUS against this GAY guy who you just KNOW wants to fuck you.  Oh sure, he’s sitting over there nice and quiet and writing a letter to his sister.  But YOU know what he’s thinking.  HE’S thinking about waiting until you’re asleep, sliding down your fatigues and DOING THINGS to you!

THAT is the problem with gay marriage.  It’s not the fact that it’s same sex have sex with the same sex (as long as it’s only women).  It’s not that anal sex is disgusting, because who hasn’t tried to get away with it at least once in a heterosexual relationship (sorry, honey… I missed!) or that we find oral sex to be immoral and de facto sodomy (which we don’t even when we say we do).

The bottom line (giggle) is that stupid straight people are scared that rampaging hoards of GAYS are going to ATTACK THEM and FORCE THEIR wing wangs up their pooter holes and OBAMA SAYS IT’S OK NOW!

THAT’S the problem!

ORIGINALLY POSTED AT THE EX-EXAMINER EXAMINES THE NEWS, [strangely enough, this link was broken when I found it. Imagine that!]WHERE YOU WILL FIND A LOT MORE STUFF JUST LIKE THIS.

So what do we have here?

We have a serious, focused discussion of gay marriage and the real reason unenlightened homophobes oppose it, authored by a serious, focused DUMBFUCK.  You can tell that the DUMBFUCK in question is serious and focused on the real reason for opposition to gay marriage, because his serious, focused treatise is peppered with serious, focused terminology like “willy-wallys,” “pooter hole,” “whatchamacallits,” and “prongs.”

Remember – this was a diary, according to DUMBFUCK – devoted to the real reason that unenlightened homophobes oppose, in his own terms, “Teh Gay” marriage.

For some strange reason, the paragons of tolerance at DailyKos found this diary objectionable!

I KNOW, RIGHT?  CRAZY!

The first critical comment (from Cinnamon), appeared 41 minutes after the diary was posted. A couple key phrases:

“I’m surprised at how long this diary is given it seems to have been written by a 14  year old, using one hand.”

“…gratuitously graphic, rude, and factually inaccurate piece of rubbish…”

DUMBFUCK responded in less than 7 minutes:  “Why do you hate gay marriage?”

Because it’s so serious and focused on the real reason unenlightened homophobes like Cinnamon oppose gay marriage…oh, did I mention Cinnamon is pro-gay marriage, anti-FUCKING IDIOT, and has “level 5 DKos mojo” while DUMBFUCK displays, per its own admission, the skull and crossbones of the THE BANNED?

The exchange kicked off – take a guess! – a running battle between DUMBFUCK and an ever-expanding roster of DKos commenters over the quality of its serious, focused essay exploring the real reason unenlightened homophobes oppose gay marriage, an essay which, in a late-night comment, DUMBFUCK ITSELF described as “satire!”

Satire?  In 2012 it called the essay satire (actually it said, and I paraphrase, attempted satire–much more accurate in that it is a complete failure as both humor AND cogent political commentary, but today it’s the real reason unenlightened homophobes oppose gay marriage!

But a close read of this running battle shows with great clarity that the opposition to DUMBFUCK’S essay had little to do with misunderstanding the satire and much to do with the hateful and violent rhetoric favored by the DUMBFUCK.  And rather than take responsibility for the reactions of its audience,  DUMBFUCK made a continuous and running mockery of them and their opinions.

Gee, you’d think it would understand me a little better, wouldn’t ya?

Then two days later, DUMBFUCK stepped up. Like a man does.

To tell his critics, the unenlightened homophobes of DailyKos–in so many gentle words–to FUCK OFF.

Some highlights:

“It is not an apology.

It’s a suggestion.

Stop reading my stuff.

There were six people who dominated the comment section of my poorly attended diary yesterday.  They spent a good part of a delightful Saturday to denounce me for a satirical diary I wrote.”

Nay, nay!

Not a satirical diary, but the real reason unenlightened homophobes are against gay marriage.  Remember?

This second diary is nothing but a continuation of our palsie-walsie DUMBFUCK’S continuous doubling down on stupid, and 173 comments later, the liberal stronghold of DailyKos came to the same conclusion as every other community that has had the unfortunate experience to brush up against it:

It is a vile monster, clothed in most unbecoming lamb’s wool, unfit for public display or interaction, and must be cast out from their midst.

True Free Speech Warriors, those Kossacks. Also, Right Wing Nut Jobs.


I dispute DUMBFUCK’S characterization above of his summary execution:

“Since I didn’t include the proper ‘trigger warnings’, the clique at DKos objected to the essay, then banned me for defending it.”

What I Think It Meant To Say Is…

“Since I refused to acknowledge and accept responsibility for the pain resulting from my ill-conceived and viscerally disgusting essay on the real reason unenlightened homophobes are against gay marriage, and in truth doubled down and made mockery of that pain, they unceremoniously dismissed the genius that not one person on Earth after me has the wit to recognize. [This too, exposes what must surely be a lifelong litany for a DUMBFUCK:  It’s Not Me, It’s ALL THE REST OF YOU THAT HAVE A PROBLEM! – PK] It was a Vast Right Wing DailyKos Konspiracy!11!!!ELEVENTY!1!!1!!”


But let us retreat for a moment to the second diary.  There is real wisdom offered, if one has the eye to see it buried under all the bullshit.

  • To those it offends, stop reading my stuff.
  • Please don’t read it if you’re going to be offended by it.  If you read it and are offended by it, you have been warned.

I really cannot highlight this next line more strenuously.  In fact, I would say that it’s a virtual certainty to come up in any future defamation related lawsuits that may ever be filed by said DUMBFUCK:

  • In fact, if you read it and are offended by it after being warned, then it is YOUR fault you were offended.  Not mine.

Truly, what more can I do to make that statement clear?  Please, if you have a suggestion, let me know!

  • The words of one reader more than make up for YOUR lack of understanding of what I was trying to convey.

Remember, if one single reader agrees with me, everyone who disagrees with me is stupid.

  • I will keep writing what I write.  You are free to ignore it.  I would rather you did, actually.  When you see my name on something, just pass it by.  Save us both the grief.
  • I’d rather you not read my [blog] any more if this is how sad and unhappy and angry they are going to make you, allowing the individual WORDS as you do to keep you from seeing the POINT!

And what is MY POINT on this blog, the point that DUMBFUCK continuously sees and willfully ignores?

Leave my friends alone. Forever.  And for good measure, leave EVERYONE ELSE ON EARTH alone too.  Also forever. In fact, if you continue to attack my friends (or anyone else on Earth) and are BUTTHURT by my blog after being warned, then it is YOUR fault you were BUTTHURT. Not mine.

Again, my friends, any suggestions you have for making this point more abundantly clear to an ABJECT DUMBFUCK, please sing out!

And my last pre-punchline word on this subject, Karma being the ALL-OUT BITCH she is, is in fact DUMBFUCK’S final bit of wisdom:

  • I would hate to be responsible for your missing the fainting couch and hitting your head on the radiator or something.  And if you live alone (which it is utterly unfair of me to suggest that most of you do) there will be no one to find you and your cats will eventually wonder why they’re not getting fed, and being cats, will begin to dine on your face and finally either the neighbors will notice the smell of decomp (and your research-worthy brain will be roont!) or you’ll begin to leak into the apartment below you and somehow it will be all my fault.  I couldn’t live with that.

But I would love to attend the celebration that would surely follow such a joyous event.

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Actually Now That I Think About It…

…this, while really fucking disgusting, is perfectly in line with DUMBFUCK’S other…predilections…9-30-2015 3-20-48 PM

But it sure isn’t very wise to admit that sort of thing about one’s own sister…

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