An Old Lesson, Repeated

There are certain facts worth remembering and certain things we do not do.  Because it is clear that someone has forgotten, let me remind the Horde in general of the Five Principles…

  1. We do not visit DUMBFUCK websites without protection.
  2. We do not leave comments at DUMBFUCK blogs. EVER. No matter how protected we think we are.
  3. We do not send email to DUMBFUCK. EVER. No matter how protected we think we are.
  4. We archive whenever possible.
  5. We never violate these principles. EVER.  Because there are unpleasant consequences for doing so.

  1. IF we violate the first Principle, we are libeled as stalkers and doxed.
  2. IF we violate the second Principle, we can be sure that DUMBFUCK will attach a pornographic picture from his own library and falsely report harassment to any employer he can find.
  3. IF we violate the third Principle, we can be sure that DUMBFUCK will falsify the headers AND the message, and claim harassment.
  4. IF we fail to heed the fourth Principle, valuable evidence may be lost to the next target of his vexatious litigation.
  5. IF we violate any of the first four Principles, we also violate the Fifth Principle.

Therefore, we do not violate the Five Principles.

If you are unable to follow any of the Principles, there are precautionary measures you should take. I say should, because I cannot say must.

  1. IF YOU MUST violate the first Principle, do it from a public Wi-Fi outlet like a coffee shop, a retail store, or a public library.  Be sure to find a quiet corner or a screen with a privacy filter, because you never know what self-created filth DUMBFUCK will publish for God and everyone looking over your shoulder to see.
  2. IF YOU MUST violate the second Principle, TAKE A SCREEN CAP AND POST IT TO IMGUR.COM.  DUMBFUCK will take any comment from any IP he does not recognize, and he will alter it to include harassing – or more likely – pornographic images or pictures of his poop. He will also work in a reference to his wife at every opportunity to increase the victimization factor.  Take a photo of your comment in moderation, because you will only get one comment before being banned, so there is a record of what you actually said.     
  3. IF YOU MUST violate the third Principle, BLIND COPY SOMEBODY! Seriously, don’t be an idiot. And save the headers.
  4. DO NOT WORRY too much about the fourth Principle.  Someone is ALWAYS running overwatch.
  5. IF YOU HAVE thus violated the fifth Principle, consider self-reporting it to your employer, if you have one that cares about such things.  The advance warning to “Google Bill Schmalfeldt” has come to represent a +20 defensive spell in the MMORPG that is the World Wide Web of Minecraft, or something.


Oh God, my inner nerd escaped! Somebody grab him!!


Easy Mistake

Friends, don’t make the error of thinking Bill Schmalfeldt is a stupid man, person, organism.

He’s not stupid.

He’s got a long, long way to go to get as far as stupid.

They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and Bill?

He’s comfy right where he is.

And he’s FUN to watch, too.

Howard will tell him…we’re not laughing with him.  But we are laughing.

If only we could sue for causing broken LULZ muscles.  Unfortunately LULZHURT is no more a tort than BUTTHURT.

Oh, almost forgot…

Vinnie says “Are you even going to apologize for trying to fuck with my career?”

He also wants to know how to un-send an email.


Welcome to Butthurt'R'Us

Bildo Baggins has said in the past that photos depicting family members are not acceptable.

That does not mean he has the power to control himself, because he posts pictures of family members all the time. Babies with skulls photoshopped over their heads, wives standing atop giant penises, minor children holding hamsters. Just because he SAYS something is so certainly doesn’t make it so. We are bound by his edicts about family members only so far as he is. That means if he can’t prevent himself from photoshopping a woman onto a penis, there’s no reason we must avoid photoshopping someone else’s face onto a photo of a monkey pleasuring himself. That means when Bildo puts Mexican Day of the Dead faces on a Lickspittle, then he must be okay with someone photoshopping pictures of people he cares about. That means when anonymous commenters submit comments of someone’s wife in some other compromising position, then it must be okay for anyone to do the same thing as he or she sees fit.

Bildo has as much control over that sort of thing as Hoge and I have over the Gravatar images people choose for their avatars. And as a Free Speech Warrior who believes that the answer to bad speech is MORE speech, there is no greater advocate for the opposition to such usages of photos, or for others to make similar comments, provided they have and continue to meet the requirements of community decorum, which in my case are quite loose and freewheeling.

And I do not say I am going to start mass-producing photoshopped pictures of Gail Schmalfeldt. I don’t do that.

But if I were to allow it, and some waggish soul decided to make a substantive comment that included an avatar or even a full photograph of the sweet Mrs. Schmalfeldt’s face on a young woman’s body, said body being on the receiving end of some special attention from a hugely well-endowed African American porn star, under the Bildo’s rules, I would be within my rights to publish such a comment, would I not?

Especially if I had a sooper sekrit site where I could be sure that Bildo would never see such a disturbing image (or any of the dozens of other such images that may or may not already exist there thanks to the collective Zombie Horde who shall remain nameless), and his perpetual butthurt would not be exacerbated by the intentional self-infliction of emotional distress.

See the logic?

Who cares if you do or not? This is the Internet, where I could be lying with total impunity.

Or not. Good luck figuring it out.

Ha. Ha. And motherfucking HA!


In Re a LOL Suit

Since John Hoge has submitted his request for dismissal of the Schmalfeldt vs. Hoge, et al Maryland State suit, I felt that it would behoove me to at least begin drafting my own, just in case the mayo-ed one actually figured out how to serve notice on an undead member of society. It turns out that I had a lot to say, some borrowed, some original, but all of it pretty devastating to the case at hand. I mean, after all, it *IS* a LOL suit. And it was fun to write, and all I have is FUN!

Continue reading “In Re a LOL Suit”


The Sound of One Hand Clapping

Deep in a dark pit
The other side of the world
Silent like his voice

In cold reality
CD sales equal success
Some are burned, cheap fuel

Writers of satire
Wish they were truly funny
Focused bitterness

These witless wonders
Sharp words are blunt sledgehammers
Butterflies to smash

Publicly angry
Privately beaten at home
And all because HOGE!

Ditched the computer
So the TROLLS will go away
Into the cornfield

Using the iPad
This annoying speech to text
Unreadable blog

Trolls in the cornfield
Peppy Irish melodies
Someone wants to dance

Always a party At the sooper sekrit site And some useful news