DUMBFUCK regularly posits that I am yanking the levers behind the curtains of every lickspittle commenter, even as he steadfastly maintains that he actually has a real, live fiancee (and not the skanky balloon animal we all know he pretends with instead) and PLANS TO MARRY HER SOMEDAY!!!
THE FOLLOWING IS A PARODY OF THE POST LINKED HERE: http://www.breitbartunmasked.com/2017/10/09/drawing-a-straight-line-between-robert-mercer-and-nazis/, WRITTEN BY BILL PRESTON-SCHMALFELDT (oh, how PRECIOUS!!) ON OCTOBER 9, 2017. DO NOT CLICK THAT LINK (IT ISN’T A REAL LINK ANYWAY). IT WILL ONLY ENCOURAGE HIM. BESIDES, THE POST WILL SOON BE DELETED IN A FLOOD OF FEAR PEE, WHICH IS THE HALLMARK OF PRIDE THAT PUNCTUATES THE PATHETIC EXISTENCE OF THE AUTHOR. INSTEAD, READ THE POST WHERE IT HAS BEEN ARCHIVED AS ETERNAL PROTECTION AGAINST THE INEVITABLE DELETION AND SPOLIATION OF EVIDENCE THAT WILL TAKE PLACE SOMETIME SOON.
It’s a simple matter of “unnecessary air-quote” connecting the dots “unnecessary air-unquote:” Drawing a straight line from transient left wing idiot, Stolen Valor veteran, welfare whore and cyberstalking harasser Bill Schmalfeldt to brass knuckles reputation management lawfare aficionado Brett Kimberlin, the convicted Speedway Bomber, domestic terrorist, drug dealer and forger, one-time wannabe rockstar and champion of the movement to, um… “romance” underage girls in the name of pedophilia, a philosophy that is the direct opposite of normal, though not for lack of effort on the part of the enlightened, progressive Left. (It emphasizes that romantic and sexual relationships between adults and children who are legally and emotionally incapable of consent is perfectly fine.
A recent piece in BuzzFeed (which we aren’t going to link because we’re assholes like that here at Cabin Boy Unread) had absolutely nothing to do with the relationship between welfare whore Bill Schmalfeldt and adjudicated pedophile Brett Kimberlin, but you can find plenty of information here.
Schmalfeldt is currently in his second stint as the editor of Breitbart Unmasked (no, I won’t link to it – malware warnings), a website connected to Kimberlin and given to publishing multiple fawning profiles about him while ignoring his criminal history and epic failures at shutting up his critics via lawfare. Schmalfeldt, who tries to portray himself as a glib, sarcastic satirical genius and investigative journalist on this website as well as hundreds of other failed blogs, podcast channels and Twitter accounts he has created, then abandoned or had yanked from public view over the last decade, has also authored many self-published masturbatory fantasies disguised as “exposés” of people he has continuously tried and failed to sue for defamation and other false claims. Many of these books have also been pulled from online bookshelves due to copyright violations.
There’s not much about Schmalfeldt’s public rantings to love.
He has written, performed and offered for sale audio skits featuring Cub Scouts discussing and engaging in homosexual acts with one another in pornographic detail;
He has written, performed and offered for sale audio skits referring to African American characters as “boy” and referring to them as house servants;
He has written, produced and performed audio skits in which he imagines himself disinterring dead babies and eating them;
He has published photos of himself eating live kittens;
He has referred to Ali Akbar, an African American, as “boy;”
After a confederate suggested that the wife of one of the targets of his harassment should be raped, Schmalfeldt helpfully provided the street address on Twitter, while not in any way agreeing with the whole rape thing (wink, wink);
He has additionally said, dozens if not hundreds of times, that this same target of his harassment pimped out his wife, while not in any way suggesting that the wife herself was a whore (nudge, nudge);
He has insulted the Filipino spouse of a Virginia attorney by suggesting that she was a mail order bride, and that the lawyer might “send her packing back to Asia where he purchased her;” (say no more, say no more)
Even though he himself barely graduated high school, and may in fact have been graduated just to get him out of the local educational system, he often refers to women who offer opinions he cannot understand as “dim twats,” “stupid cunts,” “cum-gargling fuckwits” or any of the multiple possible combinations thereof;
He has made anti-Semitic statements referring to slaving away like Israelites for Pharoah;
He and his insipid balloon animal of a girlfriend regularly insult their perceived adversaries – and believe me, do they ever have to punch up – with homosexual slurs such as gays, fags and faggots;
He has published gleeful Twitter rants apophatically referring to one columnist as a “closeted repressed homosexual,” a “simpering, limp-wristed glory-hole queen,” an “angry, self-hating homosexual” and a “pillow-biting studded leather collar-wearing bukkake boy,” as if such sexual orientations were off the normal scales and somehow worthy of scorn;
On at least one occasion, he has photoshopped his perceived enemies into homosexual pornographic photographs, as if being homosexual were something to be ashamed of.
The things he says in private are far worse, far more insidious and despicable.
An anonymous but trusted source has provided Thinking Man’s Zombie with communications with Schmalfeldt, in which Schmalfeldt shares his glee over bashing peoples’ skulls with rocks, glorifying over the imagery of kicking people out of their homes, taking away their children’s inheritances,getting them fired from their jobs after doxing them, and shoving lit M-80s up the rectums of their pets just like when he was a kid.
Schmalfeldt is far less glib and urbane when discussing his violent dreams out of sight of the public. He brags about an in situ plot to overthrow the government of the United States, saying that a large number of generals and admirals are on board and ready to move if Donald Trump goes a step too far. He is either delusional or a liar, but at times like this there is nothing like the power of AND. Schmalfeldt now has the time to work on funding his latest projects…fleecing the left-wing idiots of America to fund a 48 state “bucket list” road trip along with about $2500 of new toys to “document” the journey, grifting for a brand new mobility scooter that Medicare would pay for if only he could find a competent doctor to prescribe for him, and pro se prosecuting yet another Federal LOLSUIT that has less than a snowball’s chance in Hell of getting to trial.
Is Schmalfeldt just thumping his concave chest? Preening like a peacock, trying to impress the reader with his illusory power and might?
And if it isn’t all just talk, where is the funding coming from?
That question takes us back to the beginning.
Brett Kimberlin is a convicted bomber who was found civilly liable for the death of one of his victims but hid all his assets to avoid paying the judgment. He is a convicted forger, drug dealer and perjurer who has spent years along with thousands of dollars engaging in lawfare against many with whom he shares common hatred along with Bill Schmalfeldt. Also, he blew $9000 to buy a fake Russian dossier on Donald Trump.
Bill Schmalfeldt is a friend of Brett Kimberlin, by his own admission:
Who’s to say that Kimberlin is not funding Schmalfeldt’s dreams of almost-beachside month-to-month rental retirement in a Myrtle Beach motel-gone-cheap-condo? How do we know Kimberlin is not laughing up his sleeve behind the scenes at Schmalfeldt’s impotent fist shaking dreams of crushing his enemies THIS TIME, AT LONG LAST!!! in a South Carolina court with a case far more flimsy than he has ever had before, even more flimsy than the case that caused a court-conscripted welfare lawyer in Chicago to fire him and run him out of town, shaking with derisive pointage, laughery and mockification?
BS: Hi there, My name is William Schmalfeldt, and I’m calling about a civil no contact order that was taken out against me in January 2016.
BS:Uh, the file number is 15CVD2054.
BS: And what I’d like to know is, uh, the plaintiff gave her address as 501 Redd St in Re-Reidsville, uhhh…NC. Now the application for the 50C says you can give an alternative address. Uh, but, but it also says did the, uh – let me see, call it up here so I can quote it exactly…hang on her just a sec…yeah, uh, under “Note to Plaintiff<” uh, line one, which box did she check?
Clerk: Uh, which, under the complaint? Or –
BS: Uh, the application. In the 50C application.
Clerk: Okay, which form?
BS: Uh, hang on just a second. I can-
Clerk: Because you got a copy of the form.
BS: I’m looking, I’m looking, I’m looking at it right now. Hang on. It is form number AOC-CV-520.
Clerk: Okay, you got a copy of everything, um, that she filled out.
BS: Well I no longer have it, and I just really have one question.
Clerk: Okay , and you’re wanting to know which-
BS: Which box she checked under line one.
Clerk: Hold on.
Clerk: Okay, um, you wanted to know which line she che-, on one, which line she checked?
Clerk: She checked “the plaintiff resides.”
BS: She – okay, and if the plaintiff did not reside in Rockingham County when she filled that out, is that something I should discuss with your local sheriff?
Clerk: Hmm, you can talk to a lawyer.
BS: All right, well, we’ll do that. Thank you very-
Clerk: All right, Bye-bye.
BS: But, but, but she definitely checked “the plaintiff resides” in this-
Clerk: Well, you should have a copy, if you’d like me to mail you a copy-
BS:Well, yeah, but I-I-I-I moved, uh, and uh, didn’t see any reason to keep this, because I thought she still lived in Rockingham County until yesterday. Now I find out that she moved in November ’15 to, uh, Greensboro, but still filed this suit, uh, this uh-uh-uh, restraining order in January 2016 claiming she lived in Rockingham County when she lived in Guilford County.*
Clerk: Uh, well, if you’d like a copy we can mail you a copy of it.
BS: Would you do that? Let me give you my address.
Clerk: Okay, what is the address?
BS: It’s uh, 220 [deleted]
Clerk: Okay. We’ll get it out to you.
BS: I do appreciate that, thank you very much.
Clerk: Uh-huh. Bye-bye.
*This is the part where the lies are absolutely unmistakable. If you have the stomach for it, go listen to it eight or nine times. There’s no way he’s telling the truth here. Also, it’s where he practically admits stalking. “I thought she lived HERE until yesterday, and I have vowed not to eat, sleep, use the bathroom or speak to the Inflataskank until I find out her current address and get her arrested for relocating without telling me. But I’m totally not a stalker or anything.” Or words to that effect.
On an unrelated note: Did you know that the US Marshals have been finding people and serving process on them for literally decades without even the smallest bit of help from Bill Schmalfeldt? It boggles the mind to consider how they have managed without him.
Seven new posts just in the last three days, all dedicated to pointage, laughery and mockification of Moobflop McBeetusflesh!
I wonder what could have happened so recently to motivate the rapid creation of YET ANOTHER website dedicated to pointing out the MASSIVE LIFE FAILURES of Homo Simpson?
Surely it couldn’t have been in response to the DUMBFUCKERY of a DUMBFUCK!
Remember, people! Don’t fuck with Moobflop McBeetusflesh or anyone he pre 10 ds to love while telling them he’s like to bend another man over a chair and rape them! You’ll only wind up in his crosshairs, just like me – laughing at him every single day for the rest of his life.
First, make sure you’re well stocked on vinegar. You’re going to need it to douche the yeasty sand out of your pussy.
Second, keep a bag packed for your next post-eviction interstate getaway. Maybe try north to Minnesota next; it’s a reliably blue state just like Wiscon- oops.
Grab the Johnnie Walker Red and pour yourself a glass of liquid courage.
No. Bigger glass.
Bigger. No matter who the target is, you’ll be punching up.
On second thought, maybe just IV the bottle.
Choose your target carefully. Remember you’ll be punching way up in class (it’s a safe assumption if you’re following the Schmalfeldt Method), so make sure your objective is someone who, when you strike at them, you might be able to reach the sole of their shoe.
If they step off a curb…
And fall into the open sewer where you dwell.
If stalking three year olds makes you feel tough…
If photoshopping someone’s wife onto a giant penis suits your milieu…
If calling women cunts, twats, loose coozes, and such makes you feel better about your late wife’s legacy…
If waging a four year battle against a man who called you “some bozo” as you defended a drug dealing, document forging, perjuring, domestic terrorist pedophile is your raison d’être…
Then lace up the golf cleats and drop trou.
Wait until Hogewash! serves up the Team Kimberlin Post of the Day at midnight-ish Eastern time.
Tweet evil things at people who likely are fast asleep because they’re not obsessed stalkers like you.
Ignore anybody who responds, but also block them, you Internet Badass, you.
Then pass out drunk wherever you are. Aunt Edna won’t mind. She loves cleaning up vomit and bowel tragedies.
Get up the next afternoon around 4:00, feed the hangover some coffee from the Red Keurig (and a little hair of the dog from fresh stock), and do it all over again.
Don’t ever surrender, because that would be humiliating.
Not any more humiliating than filing and losing lawsuit after lawsuit after lawsuit after lawsuit after lawsuit after lawsuit after lawsuit…
Not any more humiliating than losing blog after blog after blog after blog…
Not any more humiliating than having nearly one hundred Twitter accounts permanently suspended…
Not any more humiliating than abandoning nearly a hundred more…
Not any more humiliating than cycling through God knows how many rebranded (yet still pointless and stupid) podcasts…
Not any more humiliating than self-publishing yet another Ctrl-C/Ctrl-V masturbation fantasy destined to be yanked off (pun intended) the shelves due to yet another copyright violation…
Let’s face it – if abject humiliation on an ongoing, accelerating schedule is the mayo on your footlong…
The Schmalfeldt Method™ of Internet Badassery is for you!