Bill Schmalfeldt is a deranged cyberstalker. He is also an idiot. A certified whackadoodle (that’s a medical term). And when he finally flames out for good, you can bet your ass I will be there to make s’Mores.
In a recent article at CabinBoy Unread, contributing editor Bill Schmalfeldt displayed an appalling stripe of racism when he posted the following side-by-side photographs:
As the reader can see, he captioned the photo on the right “Is this Mrs. Aaron Walker? 15 years and many pounds ago?”
While it is plainly obvious that Schmalfeldt is a racist in the classical “All those people look the same to me” vein, there are other examples of Schmalfeldt’s base hatred for “the other” in his obviously contrived “some of my best friends are Negroes” relationship with that one token Facebook friend he once trotted out in an effort to cement his limousine flatbed-and-forklift liberal bona fides.
A blog post requesting comment on this story, left where he would never think to look, went unanswered before an arbitrary deadline passed. So we can assume that this story and the conclusions reached herein are absolutely true. Any contrary, exculpatory evidence suggesting that Bill Schmalfeldt is not the vile, racist pig everyone knows he is should be submitted as a comment to this story, per established journalistic standards as practiced by Schmalfeldt himself. Goose, gander…some assembly required.
So when a DUMBFUCK talks about “threats to put me in jail,” does he mean like when he threatens people with jail for sending biohazardous material?
Or is he talking about his bogus charges for the “Forged Letter Caper” that he continuously accuses John Hoge of masterminding?
Or maybe the hundreds – thousands? – of times he has promised that somebody was going to jail for perjury?
Perhaps he means the nine times he determined that someone was LYING!!!!!!!! in court to get a restraining order against him.
You know, that always goes so much better when you actually SLITHER OUT FROM UNDER YOUR SLIMY FUCKING ROCK and go to court. Take a note.
What interests me more is the fact that he calls that piece of crap a STORY and not an ARTICLE.
You see, articles appear in reputable publications and contain facts.
Stories, on the other hand, show up in disreputable rags like CabinBoy Unread, and contain nothing but unconfirmed bullshit.
And as our pal DUMBFUCK is so very fond of reminding us:
Sounds like the burden falls on the writer to prove, not on the subject to disprove. But I guess that rule only applies to other people. You know, if a rule only applies for some people, sometimes, when it’s convenient, then it’s more of a suggestion than a rule, isn’t it?
And not even situationally ethical journalists like that soulless turdrolling, shitsniffing Cub Scout rapist (I have documentation, you know…just as authentic as yours, but I don’t even PRETEND to be a journalist…or ethical) we call DUMBFUCK have to follow suggestions, right?
Ahh…it’s okay, though. All we have to do is write about…well, whatever we feel like writing about, whoever we feel like writing about. Just follow the example set by our betters at SaveBrett’sBaconWhateverTheCost.com. If someone gives you a STORY…just assume it’s true. It’s a time-honored journalistic tradition, you know.
Sabrina Rubin Erdley will tell you how great it turns out…make ya famous.
Or just make it up, cuz that works too!
Ask Pulitzer Prize winner Janet Cooke.
Ask Stephen Glass.
Oh, just one more thing…I don’t sound panicked, do I? Because I sure don’t feel panicked.
…or exactly the same thing. Opinions vary.
Could you at least try something different, if not necessarily original next time?
Make a departure and think of something that you don’t do yourself, like
- “he pulls the wings off flies”
- “he throws firecrackers at puppies”
- “he shaves hamsters before playing Lemmiwinks”
- “he forces the kitchen staff to randomly mix earthworms into the vermicelli”
Anything! Go to some random phrase generator site for inspiration.
Or, what the hell – just keep on being the predictable stupid DUMBFUCK we know and love.
Turn on the oven to 375°
Take some flour, some salt and some baking soda. Mix them in a bowl and put them aside for a bit.
In a big mixing bowl, put a couple sticks of butter, some white sugar, some brown sugar, and some vanilla extract. Whip that up until it’s creamy.
Drop in a couple eggs and mix that up. Now it’s a little runny.
Start folding in the the dry stuff in the bowl that you had set aside. It starts to thicken up and get – well, what other word can you use? – doughy.
Now stir in a bag of chocolate chips. Maybe a bag and a half. Some nuts, if you like that sort of thing.
Get your cookie sheet out, and drop spoonfuls of that dough on there and bake them up for 9-10 minutes.
Try not to gorge the raw dough, them raw eggs will do you in.
What comes out of the oven? I’ll tell you what doesn’t come out of the oven:
- Flour does not come out of the oven
- Salt does not come out of the oven
- Baking soda does not come out of the oven
- Butter does not come out of the oven
- White sugar does not come out of the oven
- Brown does not come out of the oven
- Vanilla extract does not come out of the oven
- Eggs do not come out of the oven
- Chocolate chips do not come out of the oven
- Nuts do not come out of the oven
(Those last two may be a bit of a metaphorical stretch)
You don’t taste flour, salt, baking soda, butter, sugar, brown sugar, vanilla extract or eggs. You do taste chocolate and nuts, but they’re integral to the cookie, right?
You don’t taste that stuff, but guess what?
It’s in there.
I give you the definitive example of the weeping vagina:
Schmalfeldt, you are the biggest fucking pussy in the entire universe. I’m surprised you haven’t turned inside out and swallowed yourself by now.
The way you regard John Hoge, “paralegal” is the way the rest of the world regards Bill Schmalfeldt, “decent member of humanity.”
You need a punch in the throat more than anyone who has ever lived.
And before you finish your nightly bottle of Johnnie Walker and pass out in front of the toilet again tonight, the post will have more comments and likes than your entire blog.
Go beg some of your friends to come visit, you infected buttpimple.
…predicted by Andrew Klavan, SEVEN LONG YEARS AGO…
So, that means if there is a court order in the packet she received on December 28, she is bound to comply. RIGHT?
WELL…ONLY IF SHE ACTUALLY RECEIVED THE COURT ORDER. WHICH DUMBFUCK CAN’T PROVE, BECAUSE LIKE ITS EXCELLENT FRIEND, IT IS TOO CHEAP TO PAY THE FREIGHT FOR RETURN RECEIPT AND RESTRICTED DELIVERY, ACCORDING TO THE SAME UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE THAT DUMBFUCK SAYS PROVES SARAH PALMER RECEIVED A PACKAGE.
“COURT ORDER??? SEZ WHO???”
The Chief Judge for the US District Court for the Eastern District of Wisconsin, Milwaukee Division.
BUT OF ALL THE DUMBFUCKS IN ALL THE JOHNNIE WALKER BOTTLES IN ALL THE WORLD, HE HAD TO STOMP HIS OWN CRANK LIKE ALWAYS.
Sarah should have looked at the form.
IF SHE, YOU KNOW, EVER RECEIVED IT.
And those 21 days expired on January 18.
Now, what happens to people who disobey court orders?
IF SHE HASN’T BEEN PROPERLY SERVED? NOTHING.
Did Sarah Palmer receive an order from the US District Court for the Eastern District of Wisconsin?
WE HAVE NO IDEA, DO WE, DUMBFUCK? WE’RE JUST MAKING FUN ASSUMPTIONS WITHOUT SUFFICIENT PROOF.
FACT NOT IN DISPUTE!
OH, I’M AFRAID NOT, DUMBFUCK. I’M AFRAID NOT.
Did Sarah Palmer comply with the legal order of the court.
THAT MIGHT BE TRUE, IF A DUMBFUCK COULD PROVE THAT SARAH PALMER EVEN RECEIVED SUCH AN ORDER. WHICH IT CAN’T ON ACCOUNT OF BEING SUCH A LAZY FUCKING CHEAPSKATE.
FACT NOT IN DISPUTE!
OH, I’M AFRAID NOT, DUMBFUCK. I’M AFRAID NOT.
Can Sarah continue to ignore the orders of this court?
COURT ORDER??? SEZ WHO??? A DUMBFUCK???
IF SHE WANTS TO GO TO JAIL AND HAVE A DEFAULT JUDGMENT ENTERED AGAINST HER?
DO YOU THINK DUMBFUCK HAS STOPPED WONDERING WHY WE CALL IT A DUMBFUCK YET? BECAUSE IT REALLY, REALLY SHOULD HAVE FIGURED IT OUT BY NOW.