In His Own Words

I didn’t write this. Bill Schmalfeldt did. I took it from his blog to demonstrate his true self-image, the true nature of his character. And here’s another example of Bill Schmalfeldt’s own words, also taken from the same post:

“Therefore, their use qualifies as ‘fair use’ for the purpose of demonstration and criticism.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present Bill Schmalfeldt’s raging id:


He said it, not me.


So, WHY Did Williams File A Counterclaim He Can't Win?

I don’t know how many more times I have to point and laugh before Williams’s minion finally understands that I am not making this up, it is not an old law that has been changed, these are not from old magazine articles, these actually reflect the actual black (RAAAAACIST!) letter law of the United (RAAAAACIST!) States of America.

It boggles my mind to think that someone as smart as Parkinson Williams would not have done his due diligence to see if his counterclaims ha– oops. Loose lips sink ships! A phone call to Shrek Pimpernel would probably have done the trick. But the fact … the FACT of the matter is, unless Williams has some super secret –oops. Discretion is the better part of winning in court. Unless Williams has some super secret magical legal strategy that doesn’t show up on – ssshhhh!, then he has no case and the judge will have no choice but to rule against him. (HIS counterclaim is dead aborning… not so my soon to be filed defamation suit. That will rock his mofo world!)

So, ya gotta ask yourself. Why did Williams go through all that trouble? Why did he borrow a completed legal document only to “erase” the whole thing and painstakingly hunt and peck out 47 pages of detailed and sometimes even cogent answers and counterclaims, then spend another day creeping the Westminster weevils’ timelines as they tore it apart, then destroy and rebuild it by discard the 30 most important pages? That’s a mountain of effort for a guy in his condition. Why did he do all that? For nothing?

God I hope so. Because if it’s not for nothing then it must be for something. And if it’s for something, then it’s for something Williams must have missed. But Williams never misses anything (he inventedRES JUDICATA), so it can’t possibly be that. It’s nothing.

I don’t know. Whatever.

And why did he take the trouble to contact “Paul Krendler” and offer to “help” “Paul” “avoid litigation” by “contacting” Williams via “email,” “telephone” or some other simple, doxable form of communication? Then why did he “withdraw” this nebulous, never-made “offer” and try to “blackmail” and “bully” “Paul” into making “contact” so he could be “doxed” which is the only “reason” “Paul” is “attached” to the suit anyway.

Well, that and the fact that he wrote a nasty, vile, obscene blog post that would be just fuckin high-larious if Parkinson Williams had been capable of writing it, and had an ounce of fortitude buried somewhere within his not inconsiderable sack of putrid guts to stand behind it.

Oh, wait…

Why would Williams risk a perjury charge by signing and filing a counterclaim, under penalty of perjury, saying that “Krendler” had not transferred the “book and e-book” rights to his profane yet gutbustingly funny blog entry, when he has no evidence to prove such a claim, leaving himself open to future defamation actions from “Krendler?”

Why in God’s name would Parkinson Williams, a stupid man, do such a stupid thing?

Maybe it’s because he’s STUPID!

Occam’s Razor says – Ding! You Win!

Could it be that, two days after Williams withdrew his lawsuit against the Weevil of Westminster, “Krendler”, and eight others , his bête noire already had his documents prepared and was ready to fight back vigorously against the scurrilous and unfounded false narrative imputed by Williams with malice and forethought?

No, it couldn’t be that. Because if that was it, then Williams had forgotten something. But Williams had a mind like a Teflon – nothing stuck. He forgot everything eventually – the perfect Democrat voter. Dumb, fat, easily led.

Whatever. I don’t know.

But bless his soul, he’d been saved the $400 he would have had to pay to file essentially the same lawsuit (minus 7 – no, 8! – faildoxed opponents he dropped when he finally cottoned to the cost of certified mail, return receipt, restricted delivery of court documents to 10 separate defendants. Compared to that, $400 was couch change.).

He was wrong. And, bless his heart, he paid the $400 I would have had to pay to file essentially the same lawsuit I had filed and withdrawn.

Could it be that the Westminster Warrior has finally had enough harassment from Parkinson Williams, and saw the DOOOOOMED lawsuit as a chance to hurt me enough to make leave him alone for good and all?

Or, could it be that Williams just likes to harass people who are “a pain his butt,” and saw this doomed counterclaim as yet another way to do just that?

How else do you explain it? How else do you explain a fat, housebound coward, a bully who was forced to wear a frilly dress and be the Flower Girl at his uncle’s wedding, who goes to the well, time and time again, gets rejected by local law enforcement dozens, perhaps hundreds of times reporting the crime of First-Degree Emotional Butthurt twice before giving up in frustration and filing the most ill-advised counteclaim since Shrek Pimpernel?

How else do you explain a man who violates a Peace Order time and time again, running up a total of 367 charges, and then in mediation BEGS, PLEADS, SNIVELS and WHINES, like the little flower girl he is at heart, for the man he constantly harasses to ask for their dismissal, because one must have sympathy always for a poor, decrepit, diseased, disabled, destitute, indigent, smelly old fake journalist whose only joy in life comes from “investigating” people who meet his single criterion of newsworthiness: “Dey givez me a sad.”

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results THIS time. Or, in a more understandable way, insanity is voting Democrat.

Is Parkinson Williams insane? Or is he just an evil old man who has put his family’s financial security at risk by engaging “Paul Krendler” in a battle of wits to which Williamson comes unarmed and defenseless?

In the parlance of the layman, the answer to both questions is a resounding “YES!”

I really do not understand how a person could hate someone so much that he would cut off his own head with a Sawzall just for the opportunity to point at his enemy with his final breath and hiss “Look! Look at what you made me dooooooo..hek-gaaaackhh-ahhhh…

The Westminster Weevil picked up Williams’s amended answer and counterclaim at the post office today. He has 20 days to file his answer to the counterclaim.

How in the name of all that is holy is Williams going to explain to his loooooooooooooong-suffering wife that he did all of this, spent all of this time, all of this money, risked his family’s security, and made a new and fearsome enemy who gives him every bit of deference and respect that he has earned (which is to say, NONE), just because he couldn’t exercise the tiniest bit of self-control, couldn’t stop putting an “@” in front of the Twitter handle on his Tweets for no other reason than he TOLD Williams to? How does Parkinson Williams explain that to a Federal Judge that the universe did not exist before the filing of his epically flawed amended counterclaim, that he has done NOT ONE THING EVER IN HIS LIFE to deserve this persucution, and make it sound sane?



The Pro Se Defendant/Counterclaimant Is a Fool of An Opponent

I am in desperate need to gain “Paul Krendler’s” favor. But as I am representing myself (I’m DOOMED) in Hoge’s lawsuit against me, I have no freaking idea how to do it except to try to blackmail some smartass that I’m quivering to dox anyway cuz he givez me sadz.

What we need to know from “Paul Krendler,” “Paul,” honey-sweetie-precious-babycakes-pumpkin-cupcake-doodlepie-my-little-footlong-with-mayonnaise, is this.

And we’re going to find out anyway (which is why I need it RIGHT NOW!):

1. His real name, address, spouse’s name, kid’s names, schools, transcripts, home phone number, cell phone, employer, office phone, supervisor’s name and phone, email addresses, Twitter handle, Facebook page, LinkedIn profile, passwords, driver’s license number, SSN, listing of memberships in social & community groups, political affiliation, voting records, blog name, medical and dental records, including but not limited to psychiatric and/or mental health-related diagnoses and hospitalizations, list of all current and past prescription medications, political activities, elected positions sought, election results, voting records, tax returns for the past 10 years, and all other financial records including mortgage documents, car loans, credit cards and FICO score, etc. Oh, and anything I might think up later. I WANT IT ALL, DOUG!

2. The original, signed copy of the agreement he made with Hoge selling partial rights to his blog post.

2a. A book of matches.

3. A promise to refrain from further parodies and hilarious comments.

4. A sincere and honest apology to John Hoge’s wife for the filthy things I wrote about her. God knows I’m incapable of forcing myself to write such a thing, or even faking it, even if I were of a mind to admit I’ve EVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN MY LIFE! It’s got to be done by a much better writer than me, and the best writer I know is “Paul Krendler.”

And that’s it! Could it be more simple? This is all going to come out anyway under the withering heat of my sooper pro se Legal Genie-US-ness. If I drag the information out from under Hoge to find out inside a courtroom that “Krendler” is actually Howard Earl or Robin Causey or Tom Bach or Lee Stranahan or Patrick Grady or Chris Heather or Kyle Kiernan or Ray Liota (*snort*) or Bettina Haper or Morgan Freeman or Mogen David or Morton Salt or Tony Stark or the Koch Brothers or Patty Gilly or Patty Cakes or Crystal Palace or Michelle Obama or David Axelrod or Martin Bashir or Rachel Maddow Dykes or Brett Kimberly or Matt Osborne or Vladimir Putin clinging to his thigh, then that courtroom and probably the rest of the floor and possibly even the entire courthouse will be put out of commission due to the epic onslaught of fear pee and bigs that must surely follow. The trial would have to be postponed for the demolition and rebuilding of the whole courthouse, probably. I’d be so embarrassed I’d be forced to return home in shame and confine myself to my bed. I’d spend my remaining days subsisting on various tubed meat products and Hellman’s, wasting away until the stress finally exacerbates my combination athlete’s foot/jock itch to the point I scratch myself to death.

Let me be clear (this still works for Dear Leader Obama, amirite?). If the judge dismisses Hoge’s ill-considered copyright infringement claim, which he will and MUST do, because I haz been on teh TWITTERZ11!!1ELEVENTY1!!1!

And unless Hoge has:


B. Has (“has Has?” Really? – PK, unforgivably breaking the fourth wall – sorry! Please carry on.) a signed agreement with “Krendler” in Krendler’s REAL NAME – just please God, don’t let it be Kyle Kiernan – transferring ALL rights, not just PARTIAL rights to his blog entry;

C. No practical experience whatsoever with copyright claims with the US Copyright Office from his years in the music publishing world, which anyway can’t possibly be greater than mine because I REED STUFF! AND I RITE GOOD!; and

D. Can demonstrate I did NOT have “Fair Use Doctrine” rights to use the material;

(Sorry – PK again. Point D just above is so thoroughly misunderstood by the Defendant/Counterclaimant as to be stupid and absurd beyond even my ability to parody. It stands alone, unchanged. Again, sorry for the interruption, carry on.)

Then the Clinton-appointed judge (now with Extra! Libruhl! Sympatheez! GUARANTEED!) will really have no choice but to dismiss his claim. But that doesn’t mean my counterclaim is dismissed. That still goes on.

Skip this next part:

If it has any merit, that is…


If “Krendler” shows a sign of intelligence and continues to ridicule and pwn me at every turn, which will prove to my satisfaction that he was just trying to impress Hoge with his writing skill

(Sorry, sorry, sorry! Me again. Actually, this is absolutely true! All I want to do is impress John Hoge with my writing skill! Ever since he purchased that copyright, every time I post a parody he likes, I just have to wait three days and BOOM! an envelope shows up in the mailbox! One of those really nice 5″ x 8″ jobs that’s lined with bubble wrap. And inside? You won’t believe it! A COOKIE! Homemade, too, not even store-bought or nuthin’! How cool is that?!? But I have gained 15 lbs the last month…)

and he had no intention of giving me or my wife teh sadz and promises to never do it again, with all the truth and sincerity of a Cabin Boy swearing off the internet, if he will produce a certified, notarized, folded, spindled, mutilated copy of the signed agreement he has with Hoge to give me past, present and future butthurt sadnezzez, or truthfully tells me there was no such agreement and all theez sadz are actually his doing, then I see no reason to pursue my counterclaim against “Krendler.” But because I have recently purchased a new dog (a combination Doberman-bOXER mix), he must identify himself, we must speak on the phone – but not in person, never that, and he must either provide a copy of the signed agreement or be willing to testify that there was no such agreement. But it would probably save time if I just went ahead and jumped in the Patapsco River myself without having to be told.

If I am forced to go the subpoena route, which I have already done, so WHAT DIFFERENCE, AT THIS POINT, DOES IT MAKE?

I will win (because I ALWAYS win, except when I lose, which I ALWAYS conveniently forget), but I will be annoyed (which for me is the same as “being awake,” although sometimes that doesn’t even cover it, with the dreams that Hoge forces me to have at night) at having to drag out information from an anonymous coward who never the less (three words) seems unafraid and even eager to defend himself. I wonder why? I don’t know. Whatever. And I will not be inclined to dismiss “Krendler” from the counterclaim. But then, he does seem SO VERY EAGER to join this battle? Why? I don’t know. Whatever.

These are not threats. These are statements of my position – bent over, ankles firmly grasped – regarding counterclaim defendant (and obvious fool for not taking MY legal advice) “Paul Krendler” in a current lawsuit, filed in the US District Court for the District of Maryland, Trailer Park Division, made on my own behalf as my own legal representative, pro se in pauperus dementum.

Want to steal this post? Click here!


Intentional Self-Infliction Of Emotional Butthurt Is Not a Tort


“Everything that happens to you now is entirely your own doing.”

-Bill Schmalfeldt

That will be a good one to remember.

Everything coming down the road could have been avoided.  It could have been avoided with equal measures of self-respect, self-esteem and self-control by the author of this:


Sadly, he possesses none.

But what was the likelihood of that ever happening, from a guy who dribbles out the top of his head?


20140607-205106-75066229.jpg“Except for the Peace Order,

I’ve won every battle.”








Truer words were never spoken:  All that is required to discredit Bill Schmalfeldt, is to quote Bill Schmalfeldt.




Well, I Have A Few Thoughts Of My Own…


Thought #1

If you were really following me, I’m pretty certain I would be able to feel the ground shaking, so…no.

Thought #2

If I were following you, and you knew it, there’d be a Fear-Pees Order in my hand. So…no.

Thought #3

Bill, cut the crap. I told you I was smarter than you, and I was not kidding. You will NEVER get a look at my TL. You will NEVER get an email from me, not even through TOR.

If you have some stupid little game you want to try running on me, you know what you have to do: be polite, be straightforward, remain on point. The ONLY forum where I will EVER communicate with you is right here, on this blog, through the comments, which will remain moderated (for you) until this lawsuit is disposed of in whatever fashion should happen.

If you have something to say, or something to ask, this is the one and only place to do it. No memory hole, no take-backs, no mulligans. I’m perfectly willing, if you wind up identifying me, to come to a Maryland courtroom and figuratively kick your pro se ass around the block and up the hill.

Until you work up the guts to say your piece, however…

You needz it.



I had thought before now that only John Hoge possessed the power to manipulate men’s minds. Then I thought that perhaps I had a small degree of talent at dragging certain people to my blog to be offended. This may be true; surely more scientific study is required. Does anyone know how to contact Drs. Stantz, Venkman & Krendler?

Anyway, that’s what I thought until earlier today when I received what was an unmistakable psychic message:

Dear Paul,

Gail and Dr. Grill have both threatened to take my computer away if I continue blogging and tweeting. Would you please replace all my fucked-up comments with this message, and ban me because I have dementia, a full pair of Depends, and no impulse control whatsoever?


A clear request for a voluntary ban. I was powerless to resist!

All comments have been replaced by the above message, as requested. However, I am loathe to outright ban anyone, so instead, I have done my best to force this person’s comments into moderation, where I will try to divine and reproduce their TRUE intention before releasing them. Failing that, I will delete them before risking a complete misinterpretation.

Should any comment somehow pass through the filter, I’ll deal with them as they come.

It saddens me to do this, to risk losing a reader and prolific commenter this way, but as I said, I’m powerless against the mind control.


Schmalfeldt Wants To Be ‘Shut Down,’ Not Argued With

Publisher’s note: This is Bill Schmalfeldt’s view. We, at The Thinking Man’s Zombie, enjoy parodying Bill Schmalfeldt by taking his words and twisting them back on his fat, stinky ass. But sometimes, God provides an epic bit of dumbassery that requires little but to change names and visual aids.

I learned this lesson a little too late. Too late for my health, too late for my reputation, just too late. But not too late to pass some advice on to my reader (Gail) and those of you imaginary and or accidental readers who are righteously outraged by the filth smeared on your computer screens by the haters, misogynists, homophobes, anal rape enthusiasts and fools. But enough about me.

What I am about to show you should make you physically ill. I hope.
Continue reading “Schmalfeldt Wants To Be ‘Shut Down,’ Not Argued With”


Toddlers With Loaded Guns

Would you knowingly hand a loaded pistol to a toddler?

Of course not. And you don’t need to have the reasons explained to you. You just wouldn’t.

For much the same reasons, Bill Schmalfeldt, the extremely short-termed former President of the convicted bomber/perjurer/drug dealer Brett Kimberlin Renegade Chapter of the National Blogger’s Club, Inc., should not be allowed to have a computer with access to the Internet.

I am loathe to give this troll any attention whatsoever. He’s like Martin Bashir, but without the tact. Like Alec Baldwin, but without the impulse control. Like Rachel Maddow, but without the Adam’s Apple. Like Touré, but without the racial cachét to compensate for his ignorance. Like Stephanie Miller, but without the bowel control.

What set Bill off this time?

Lee Stranahan, his wife and their dead-in-the-womb child.

Apparently, Bill doesn’t like the fact that this grief-stricken man whose daughter died in utero has different political views. And so, bullying, defamation, libel and harassment of Stranahan, his family, and anyone who rises to his defense has become Bill Schmalfeldt’s raisôn d’être.

Bill Schmalfeldt has had over 23,000 accounts on Twitter.

Now, I’m not here to make jokes about Bill’s “Creator” being the south end of a northbound crack whore, which rhymes with boar. That would be crude. And Bill loves the crude. I read somewhere recently that reading his Twitter account is like jumping face first into a brimming septic tank with your mouth open, then trying to stay under as long as you can.

Especially when he talks about women, or makes the homophobic insults that seem to be his bread and butter when insulting men.

I don’t know what can be done about additional Obamacare regulations that would require conservatives to give birth in a government hospital where they and their children could be tattooed, chipped and tracked for re-education and indoctrination.

I do know what can be done about Bill Schmalfeldt.

What do you do when you see a toddler holding a loaded gun?

You take it away from him. Unless he shoots you with it first.

Bill has the First Amendment right to express his stupidity. He can purchase a soap box, stand on a street corner, and scream at the moon if he likes. Which he does like to do. A lot.

Twitter, a private company, is not required to provide Bill with a platform to spread his hatred and harassment.

Nor is Amazon. Nor CreateSpace. Nor Nor Smashwords.

Twitter, and other social media and online publishing services, should take the proper step of shutting down Bill Schmalfeldt. There is nothing in the First Amendment that gives Schmalfeldt or his master, convicted bomber Brett Coleman Kimberlin (who sues to censor anyone who speaks unkindly about him at the drop of a hat), the right to have a Twitter account. Or to publish a book.

There is a sickness in the left wing of this country. We ignore it at our peril. I learned quickly that arguing with people like Schmalfeldt is pointless because they simply have no tolerance for any views but their own. Schmalfeldt is enjoying every angry Tweet he receives about this topic. I think a reasonable solution would be to put Schmalfeldt in a room with Lee Stranahan, lock the door, and open it when Schmalfeldt’s screaming and crying in terror can no longer be heard, and the coppery smell of drying blood overcomes the stink of the overflowing Depends.

Schmalfeldt is a coward, a keyboard commando.

I believe it has nothing to do with Lee Stranahan, his family or their personal medical decisions. The idea that a death in childbirth of a child in Texas is somehow newsworthy to a self-styled unemployed pretend journalist in Maryland? That’s just a symptom. Bill Schmalfeldt is a disease. And those three or four misguided, ignorant people on earth who take him seriously are the small, scurrying rodents that carry this disease from place to place.

Don’t engage him. Shun him. Deny him a platform. Ridicule him. Teach your children that Bill is always wrong. Teach the kids that people like him exist only as cautionary tales of what happens when you profess tolerance with your mouth but practice hatred, harassment and evil in your deeds.


An Open Letter to Bill Schmalfeldt

Over at BlubberSuesBloggers, Flynn has posted a letter from Bill Schmalfeldt.

It reminded me of something I wrote back when he was having issues with copyright ownership of the first post on this blog.

It had been a comment but grew too long.  I put it aside and by the time I came back to it the moment had passed. But Bill’s strange letter to Flynn deserves a response. So here it is, after the jump: Continue reading “An Open Letter to Bill Schmalfeldt”