Less Than Twelve Hours This Time!

9:20 PM PST…

…to 9:01 AM PST.

Apparently “withdraw[ing] from public view” suits him about as well as does “self awareness,” “telling the truth,” “being a real journalist,” “not stalking and harassing people” and “having Parkinson’s disease.”

He just can’t make it stick.

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Self Awareness Fail, Part ∞

Shot:

Chaser:

Poopypants Pundit, heal thyself.

 

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Turns Out, It’s An Actual Thing

I encountered this very interesting exchange on Twitter last night.  It started with a real, working, stand-up  comedienne named Jen Kirkland:

I don’t particularly agree with that statement.  I have said before that I think all humor is subjective.  Not everyone loves the Three Stooges. Not everyone loves to be preached at.  Everyone’s wheelhouse is different. It’s a matter of individual taste.

What really interested me was THIS reply:

What DUMBFUCK is saying is “You’re making a hasty generalization in response to a hasty generalization.”

And that’s actually a fair criticism. It’s not a criticism that feminists want to hear in this case, but it’s fair.

But then he goes on to set up and fight a strawman of his own: the “racist patriarchy.”

Big with the buzzwords, no so much with logic, our DUMBFUCK.  Also, REALLY BAD MEMORY.

Perhaps he’s forgotten how he got kicked off that virulent rightwing website, DailyKos.  He was responsible for the now-famous ANAL RAPE SATIRE that was so poorly received that it took a day of calling his readers idiots plus ANOTHER DIARY specifically to call those readers idiots some more and to invite everyone too stupid to appreciate his satirical brilliance just to stop reading his diaries, kthxbai – to get him permabanned by Markos himself, that rightwing fuckhead.

So to recap the action so far: we have Jen Kirkland calling out men – #YesAllMen – for not understanding her jokes, followed by Bill Schmalfeldt – he of the “you’re all too stupid to understand my brilliant satire about ASS RAPE” – responding with

Already I can see this is going to go swimmingly for DUMBFUCK.

Cat West calls him out for his tone deaf response:

And then the fun really starts. Bill responds to this dim girl:

Here’s my written impression of Bill Schmalfeldt:

“People say I’m condescending…that means I talk down to people.”

(rimshot)

If you get the joke, terrific! Glad I made you laugh.  If you don’t, I don’t care. No one is paying me for this, so I only have to amuse myself.  Anyhoo…

Taking zero shit from Mr. Butt Stuff, Cat bangs back:

What are the odds that Cat West checked out Bill Schmalfeldt on the Google Machine (the first hit is the first hit) before responding to his attempt to impart his perceived wisdom into that conversation?

“Smash teh pay-tree-ark-ee!!”


Pro-tip: it’s not

“I’m just a dumb old man with a pesky “y” chromosome and all”

that causes no one to take you seriously…

It’s simply:

“I’m just a dumb old man with a pesky “y” chromosome and all

…and everyone knows it.

And when you drop into a serious (or even an unserious) conversation and your contribution amounts to “I put on my shoes today without falling off the bed,” well…the pool of everyone just gets that much larger.

And we point.
And we laugh.
And we mock.

Because it’s FUN.

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Yes, DUMBFUCK, There Is Ample Proof

  1. You have not denied that you moved, only demanded proof that is not required.
  2. Perhaps you missed the posted clock running on your deadline to disprove t what our anonymous sources told us before we simply assumed it was true, but that has never made a difference to you when you were the one demanding answers and making unfounded assumptions.

There was a clock, and you missed your deadline.  Our assumptions are therefore proved correct and accurate.

#YourGame
#YourRules
#KickingYourAss

#FuckYou

P.S. When you do file your change of address notification with the court, your lie of omission will be laid bare for the world.  Just like all the rest.

 

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Um, Roy?

Was it a dude? Because that is quite a lot worse. Just ask Kevin Spacey.

I mean, Hollywood hasn’t airbrushed Roman Polanski away, have they?

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Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes?

Of course DUMBFUCK wants to argue that the PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE of Al Franken feeling up a sleeping woman (she consented, though, I’m sure) isn’t REALLY what it looks like.

But then there’s also this:

"On the day of the show Franken and I were alone backstage going over our lines one last time. He said to me, 'We need to rehearse the kiss.' I laughed and ignored him. Then he said it again. I said something like, 'Relax Al, this isn’t 'SNL' ... we don't need to rehearse the kiss.' He continued to insist, and I was beginning to get uncomfortable," she wrote in her KABC piece.

She said that she acquiesced "so that he would stop badgering me" and that when he kissed her, he "put his hand on the back of my head, mashed his lips against mine and aggressively stuck his tongue in my mouth."

So you have, in the last week, a whole armload of forty year old accusations against a former federal judge now running for Senate, based entirely on “press conference” testimony  that can be neither confirmed nor refuted after all this time.

Now, if I know my DUMBFUCK as well as I think I do, the next words out of his chomp hole about soon to be ex-Senator Franken will be along the lines of “Prove it,” “There’s no proof,” “It’s his word against his,” or “until I hear different, she’s lying.”

Well, the proof you seek, oh intrepid investigamative journimalist, is out there if you could just get up off your well-fed hiney and stop waiting for the source to come to you.  Get out there, Scoop (of poop) Schmalfeldt, and do some real reporting for once.

In fact, let me point you in the right direction – the proof of truth of Ms. Tweeden’s accusations exists in two places: the photograph you tweeted, and in the hidden drawer right next to the verified evidence of truth spoken by the women that the **** Party paid to level the accusations at Judge Moore in the first place.

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How on Earth Did I Miss This?

John Hoge didn’t forget. But to be fair, he’s been deep in the archives of late.

Morgana, The Dread Pirate Zombie remembered too!

Even new(ish) TFS blogger MJ at Sonoran Conservative got in on the act.

I forgot all about it.

How could I – PatrickPaulGradyKrendler (heh. A-ha-ha. BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Seriously…we’re not the same person.) – have forgotten that today is the three year anniversary of the day Patrick Grady appeared in Maryland to contest a Peace Order Petition filed by a pussy who ran like the mangy cur he is for the hills rather than face the confrontation he begged for before and after that date, hoping we would all somehow forget the snail-trail his sniveling vagina left as he waddled up into the hills above Elkridge?

It boggles the mind that I might have a rich and rewarding life that would distract me from such a milestone event, doesn’t it?

I noted with much hilarity the lies that DUMBFUCK told early this morning on Twitter in response to the posts that appeared just after midnight.

Funny…that’s not what I found on your blog at the time.

I recall you got served a Cook County summons by the Howard County Sheriff’s Department on or about November 4th in a manner prescribed by law (and therefore most assuredly NOT sneaky, you lying motherfucker) and immediately panicking.  It started with this post (safe archived link from yet another fear-pee-soaked and deleted blog). The blog name?

Schmalfeldt.org

In case anyone forgot who was in charge of it…

PERJURY: A Class 3 Felony in Illinois

Here is one of those pesky little facts that people sometimes don’t think about until it’s too late. For instance, did you know that in the state of Illinois perjury is defined as a class III felony? It’s true!

So, let’s use this case as a hypothetical. Suppose someone sent me a summons which I received today, in which he states material falsehoods. And let’s say that the person who received the summons, for the purpose of illustration, me, can prove that the falsehoods are, in fact, falsehoods.

For instance, in the complaint, in this hypothetical stalking/no contact petition, the petitioner states, under oath, that the respondent, hypothetically me, called his employer on September 2 to ask for personal information. Let’s continue the supposition, with the fact that the respondent can produce his telephone records and has already reviewed those telephone records as a customer of consumer cellular. These records, show not only did the respondant not call any number that is related to the petitioners place of employment, the respondent made no telephone calls at all on September 2.

To continue with our hypothetical, what sort of trouble would the petitioner be in by signing a document under penalty of perjury me that contains a provable falsehood?

And suppose this same petitioner swore under oath, under penalty of perjury me, that the respondent, hypothetically me, contacted the petitioner ‘s employer by email and “accused” him of misuse of office equipment. The petitioner would have to prove that, would he not? And if the respondent can show his email records for that day, and there is no such email listed, might that now not be grounds for a perjury charge?

So, hypothetically, we have a two provably false charges. One of the respondents proofs could be dismissed as it would be possible for the respondent to have altered his email list. But as the only telephones in use at the respondents hypothetical home are under the service of Consumer, and the respondent is not able to alter the phone call records on the consumer cellular website, and the hypothetical respondent has printed out those records for the month of September and October, and has offered them to, oh, let’s say, the Cook County clerk of  courts, might not the petitioner find his ass in a particularly hot frying pan should he press these false allegations?

Just a little food for thought.

(720 ILCS 5/32‑2) (from Ch. 38, par. 32‑2)
Sec. 32‑2. Perjury.
(a) A person commits perjury when, under oath or affirmation, in a proceeding or in any other matter where by law such oath or affirmation is required, he makes a false statement, material to the issue or point in question, which he does not believe to be true.
(b) Proof of Falsity.
An indictment or information for perjury alleging that the offender, under oath, has made contradictory statements, material to the issue or point in question, in the same or in different proceedings, where such oath or affirmation is required, need not specify which statement is false. At the trial, the prosecution need not establish which statement is false.
(c) Admission of Falsity.
Where the contradictory statements are made in the same continuous trial, an admission by the offender in that same continuous trial of the falsity of a contradictory statement shall bar prosecution therefor under any provisions of this Code.
(d) A person shall be exempt from prosecution under subsection (a) of this Section if he is a peace officer who uses a false or fictitious name in the enforcement of the criminal laws, and such use is approved in writing as provided in Section 10‑1 of “The Liquor Control Act of 1934″, as amended, Section 5 of “An Act in relation to the use of an assumed name in the conduct or transaction of business in this State”, approved July 17, 1941, as amended, or Section 2605‑200 of the Department of State Police Law (20 ILCS 2605/2605‑200). However, this exemption shall not apply to testimony in judicial proceedings where the identity of the peace officer is material to the issue, and he is ordered by the court to disclose his identity.
(e) Sentence.
Perjury is a Class 3 felony.

“OOOH!! I’m gonna send you to jail for perjury if you don’t shut up and go away!”

Of course this was three years ago, when there might still have been one person on earth who thought you might be able to back up your bullshit, DUMBFUCK, so instead of everyone ignoring your bluster and nothing happening like today,

Oh. Wait.

Next, your panic led you to cry that someone (it’s not clear who from this safely archived post from the now-defunct blog Schmalfeldt.org) was calling your extortionate actions…EXTORTION:

Well this is new. Telling someone if he lies about you under oath he’s committing perjury is extortion?

I like hypotheticals don’t you?
For instance in yesterday’s post I offered a hypothetical situation in which a person tells a lie in a document signed under penalty of perjury, suggesting that the person being lied about can prove it’s a lie. In this hypothetical, I suggested that a person who signed the document might be best served it to not proceed with the lie, told under oath, because perjury is a class III felony in the state of Illinois.

In this hypothetical situation, the hypothetical petitioner having signed this document of lies under oath, is now complaining about extortion. Hypothetically, this displays a severe lack of grasp on reality. It’s much like would-be murderer complaining that reporting his contemplated crime to the police if he decides to go through that would be extortion.

It would be extortion if the hypothetical respondant in this case told the hypothetical petitioner that he would rat out the hypothetical petitioner to the cops unless he forked over $1 million.

But that’s not the case in this hypothetical. In this case the hypothetical respondent is merely stating that if a crime is committed against him, and perjury is a class III felony in Illinois, that he will report this crime to the proper authorities. The hypothetical petitioner can do one of two things:

1. He can withdraw his complaint and thereby not commit the crime of perjury which, if convicted thereof, could land his caboose in the calaboose for 2 to 5 years.

2. He could continue in his hypothetical reckless course of action, obtain a stalking/no contact order by lying on a document signed under penalty of perjury and then hypothetically deal with the consequences of his crime.

BY THE BY, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE OF EXTORTION...THAT WAS IT.  -PK 

So, the lesson learned here, is that it is silly to suggest that a potential crime victim is extorting the person contemplating committing the potential crime against him by stating, loudly and clearly, that if the criminal goes ahead with his crime, the victim will prosecute vigorously, angrily, and to the fullest extent of the law.

Remember, our hypothetical victim here has phone records that prove the hypothetical criminal is a liar. All the hypothetical criminal has to do is not commit the crime, and there will be no need for prosecution. That is not extortion. That’s just good advice.

As I recall, the outcome defaulted to option 2.  More on that later.

Next came this (again, an archived link from a deleted blog). Oh, say, that reminds me!  Does anyone know how many blogs DUMBFUCK has created and deleted (or had removed) since he first set out to have this one taken down? Because as an internet takedown superhero, he tends to dig a lot of bullets out of his own feet.

Here’s an Easy One

Will Grady/Krendler have to prove the truth behind his allegations. Yes or no?

Will a Cook County judge just take him at his word? Si o no?

If Grady/Krendler can’t provide the name of the person I spoke to, can he win his case? Ja oder nein?

If Krendler/Grady can’t produce a true copy of the email he says I sent, will the judge just take the word of a self-described manic depressive?  Hai o Ie?

Should Grader/Krendly shut down this little cluster diddle he’sCreated for himself before it’s too late

Or is it already too late?

Pro se leeguhl jeenyus journimalist can’t even count to one.

He just kept intimating that victory was assured, and all he had to do was show up. What a revelation it might have been if he actually had.

As late as Thursday November 6th, DUMBFUCK was puffing himself up, the pretend badass, in this archived post:

Zombie WANT Hearing? Zombie GET Hearing.

I look forward to chatting with Mr. Grady, under oath, on Monday.

Then he kicked the badassery up another (archived) notch:

Did I Say ‘Talk To You MONDAY?’ Sorry. I Was Mistaken. I’ll Talk To You FRIDAY!

And as soon as he’s under oath, we can get to the bottom of THIS question.

See? You wanted to fuck, Patrick. So? Let’s fuck.

It’s worth a pause here to remind DUMBFUCK that it’s perfectly acceptable to come out of the closet as a homosexual late in life (look how well it’s working out for Kevin Spacey!).  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if your PROGRESSIVE Fakinson’s impotence is gone like your inability to drive once temporarily deserted you, and you want to fuck men, DUMBFUCK, I encourage you to go right ahead and get after it.  LET YOUR FREAK FLAG FLY HIGH! But please wear a condom so you don’t bring anything home to the balloon fiance with the industrial paper shredder where its mouth belongs, because that’s just impolite. Please don’t worry about anyone thinking less of you.

No one could.

But I digress…

Here we see the pure enthusiasm DUMBFUCK possessed on November 7th of 2014.  He was just itching to get into the courtroom!

(Don’t worry, though…you can get a shot to clear that right up.)

He continued to reaffirm his enthusiasm for easy court victories with this (hopefully?) metaphorical post on November 8th:

It Gives Me Joy

i just love to hear the tinkling bell-like laughter of someone in the moments before I cave in his soft skull with a mallet. Like a rotten pumpkin. Splat!

Living for the fight just 6 days away!!

And then…

Then…

Something happened.

He must have run out of Johnnie Walker, because all that liquid bravery just up and vanished!

Maybe his excellent friend, bombthrower and kiddie-diddler had better things to do that day than play chauffeur. Maybe he was in Nashville playing C/W Svengali, and couldn’t make it.

Maybe it was as simple as “the Muscle don’t work for free.”

His plumage suddenly molted.
Someone stuck a pin in his Bladder of Badassery.
Maybe he ran out of tampons and couldn’t buy more before payday.

Whatever it was, he wrote this capitulation (yes, it’s an archive link to a suspended blog) on the day before the hearing, with PLENTY OF TIME FOR A RESPONDENT TO CANCEL AN AIRLINE TICKET FOR A FULL REFUND. Oopsie Poopsie!

Oh, and this one’s getting fisked, with the benefit of three years of hindsight!

Time to End It All

Posted on November 13, 2014 in True Conservative Sleaze

Don’t bother showing up in District Court tomorrow. I won’t be there. I am not going to press my case against poor, insane, Patrick G. Grady.

No, this is not a WJJ Hoge-inspired lie. I am not telling you to stay home so I can have an uncontested victory.

I’m telling you to stay home, because I will not be there.

Because you know you have no chance to win, in spite of all the shit you spewed in the prior week? Probably a good decision. But you know what's not a good decision? Taking anything you say seriously, and then tailoring behavior as if it's true. For example: "Hey, DUMBFUCK says he won't show up! Guess I don't have to be there at all." 

That's not a good decision. 80% of success is showing up.

Think about this for a moment, those of you capable of such a thing as “abstract thought.”

"Abstract thought?" Do you mean, for example, the failure to draw a moral equivalence between calling a Senate candidate accused of hitting on teenage girls some forty years ago (when, it should be noted, he was a Democrat) a "kiddie diddler" but not saying the same of a convicted criminal whose authorized biography paints him as grooming a ten year old to marry him, some...let me see...FORTY YEARS AGO?

That kind of abstract thought? 

Peace Order? WTF? Do I really think Patrick Fucking Grady is going to come to my house, beat me up or kill me?



Apparently so! 

I can’t ask non-humans to behave like human adults. 

GS-13 fake journimalist, heal thyself.

So, I am just going to end it.  

But only metaphorically...and only temporarily.  Hold those party favors.  

I spoke to the Clerk of Courts, and she said that they couldn’t just drop the case, but if I don’t show up, then they’ll dismiss.

Of course, you’ll lie about the reasons. That’s what you do. You lie. You are inveterate liars.



Uhhh...yeah. Right.

There are two kinds of people in the world. Creators and destroyers. Decent people and people like Bill Schmalfeldt and his friends.

You are destroyers. decent people.  You Others create, you shit Bill Schmalfeldt lies and shits on the things they create and try to destroy the person who created them.

You will look at my reasons for my decision, which are lies, and you will lie about them, and I am out of shits to give.

Don't worry, your shit delivery is on its way and wow, how prescient is this three years later? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

I am going to let this blog stand until the weekend. Then it, and everything I can find with my name on it, will come off the Internet.

Riiiiight!

You can’t have me. I don’t want to play with the stupid kids any more. I have a short time left, and I want to use it for productive purposes.

If Bill Schmalfeldt doesn't want to play with the stupid kids anymore, and all he can do is play with himself...

...well the joke just writes itself. 

Mock me. 

Okay! 

Whatever. Make fun of me. 

Will do! 

I give a shit. 

I thought you said you were all out of shits to give...like two paragraphs ago. That Fakinson's dementia is the real deal, isn't it? 

All the funny “footlong and mayo” jokes that you repeat to each other like 3-year olds who got a rise out of mommy and daddy when they said “poopy!” 

Always...ALWAYS WITH THE BUTT STUFF, amirite? 

Go right on ahead.

I can pencil you in for mockery on Thursday at about 7:45 PM, does that work for you? Pointage and laughery cost extra. 

For you, as of this moment, Bill Schmalfeldt ceases to exist. I am not going to let you run my life. I am going to create. 

Before:
After:

I will come up with a pen name and use it exclusively. You may find it entertaining to hunt me down. But you won’t find me.

I know, right? For fuck’s sake, WHERE COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE??? How long before you jump up and scream “HEY!!! WHY AREN’T YOU LOOKING FOR ME??? I’M FILING ANOTHER LOLSUIT!!”

Consider this a break-up.

Oh, IF ONLY WE COULD GET SO LUCKY...

And finally?

Fuck each and every one of you.


YOU DO YOU. I'LL TAKE A PASS.

Anyway, that was fun, but way off point. Back to the issue at hand.

Patrick Grady didn’t sneak anywhere. Bill Schmalfeldt ran for the hills, away from the battle he said he wanted, and which he quickly – and erroneously – rejoined.

Patrick Grady took his restraining order and went home. Has barely been heard from since. Lord only knows what he’s doing today.

DUMBFUCK, on the other hand…still can’t find me.

And he’s got to do that to have a chance of getting what he wants.

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Good Afternoon, DUMBFUCK!

How queer.

DUMBFUCK regularly posits that I am yanking the levers behind the curtains of every lickspittle commenter, even as he steadfastly maintains that he actually has a real, live fiancee (and not the skanky balloon animal we all know he pretends with instead) and PLANS TO MARRY HER SOMEDAY!!!

No, really!

Then again, he’s a proven liar, so…

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“Final Warning,” You Say?

Oh, no. Not again…

Are we up to a hundred “final” warnings yet from the Mendacious Manatee of Myrtle Beach?

Tiresome little twat.

On a related note…for as vociferously as he contests the notion that he does not have PD, in spite of all his self-contradictory statements, I don’t think I’m the only one who has noticed that he hasn’t posted a single mention of the Shrine of the Holy Resting Place of the Ashtray Soulmate, the Blessed Saint Gail of the Clockwork Urn. In point of fact, I don’t think he has ever denied the allegations that he left her behind in the Midwest (and the capricious currents of the Mississippi River) when he went chasing strange down in Dixieland.

How queer.

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The Leading Cause of Loveless Marriages in the U.S.?

OBAMACARE.

It looks like there’s a balloon animal in South Carolina that can’t afford health insurance under Obamacare anymore.

Actually, it reads very much like xhe couldn’t afford it in the first place. “Thank you for making it impossible for me to afford to get insurance by cutting off the subsidies.”

Guess what?

If you can’t afford something without someone else’s help to pay for it, YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT!

I guess xhe will have to find some other way to afford the insurance to fix that vandalized cemetery of a pecker wrecker xhe calls a mouth, and whatever other maladies might plague xer.

I know!  Maybe xhe could find some sap and convince him to marry xer to get on xis health insurance. It would take a real idiot to fall for such an obvious scam, though.

But even if xe did marry xer, the scam would only work if xe wasn’t a pauper and a cheapskate who would rather burn xis money on cheapjack scootypuffs than take care of xis plasticene playmate.

So remember – make good choices!

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