Was that song recorded by DUMBFUCK Bill Schmalfeldt and His Shadow Band?
I recall this coming from an old advice column (either Dear Abby or Ask Ann Landers, I don’t remember which), but considering the toll that Year One of Trump has obviously taken on the #ResistWeMuch movement, I thought this “Stress Diet” ought to be renamed the “#Resistance Diet” and shared anew:
1 slice whole wheat bread
8 oz. skim milk
4 oz. broiled chicken breast
1 C steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie
1 C herbal tea
Rest of the package of Oreos
1 qt Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge
1 can of whipped cream
2 loaves garlic bread
1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
2 bottles of wine
3 large candy bars
1 frozen cheesecake eaten directly from the open freezer, without utensils
#RESISTANCE DIET TIPS
- If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
- If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they will cancel each other out everywhere except your rotting maw, which is going to get fixed. Any day now.
- Calories don’t count if you eat with someone else, as long as you both eat the same amount.
- Food taken for medicinal purposes does not count. This includes hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Johnnie Walker (any color), Sara Lee chocolate cake, Baker’s Square pie and and milkshakes where bananas might be in the same room as the blender.
- If you hang around people fatter than you, you will look thinner.
- Snacks consumed during movies do not count because they are part of the entertainment experience. These include Milk Duds, Goobers, Raisinets, Junior Mints, Gummi Bears, popcorn with butter, Twizzlers, Skittles and M&Ms.
- Broken cookies contain no calories because all the calories have escaped.
- All the calories in a bag of chocolate chips are contained in a single morsel, so find that one and throw it away before starting. Don’t just set it aside. Remember, all your energy for #resisting should be dedicated to Trump, not Temptation.
- Late night snacks are also calorie free. The light from the refrigerator is not strong enough for the calories to find their way into the calorie counter. However, do be wary of turning on other lights in the kitchen.
REBRANDING IS IMMINENT.
I REPEAT, REBRANDING IS IMMINENT!
Oh, and Twitter’s about to get sued for butthurt.
h/t to commenter Ipen.
Also, LANGSTON, if getting called out with pointage, laughery and mockification as the shitposting idiot you are bothers you, there’s a very simple solution:
I’ve already told you I’m going to mock you for as long as you continue to appear online, you impotent narcissist. Did you think I wasn’t serious?
Don’t like it?
Oh, I don’t know…maybe Pfizer did some extensive market research and found a high percentage of alleged Parkinson’s patients see their symptoms come and go with such regularity that it’s easy to conclude they are simply faking the disease to make themselves look like victims.
Seems reasonable to me.
I love when a DUMBFUCK tries to insult someone’s intelligence, only to lace up the golf cleats once more and stomp his crank by fucking up the movie reference, making himself look like the idiot he is.
DUMBFUCK DNA mixed with feline vaginal secretions. Final Fantasy: The Resistance ain’t gonna play itself, ya know.
I can’t figure out if he thinks this post is libelous…
…or this one from the late, unlamented BillSchmalfeldt.net.
And you’re not fooling anyone, telling people you walked away. You blew that chance years ago. Instead you dug in deeper, and ever since you’ve been caught in a trap of your own making.
There’s no escape, as long as Inflataskank continues to tell you all about the parodies of your works that magically appear.
Don’t be sorry, Spreaker! No one else is…
You will always make a mistake…
You will always trip yourself up…or someone else will…
You will always be Krendler’s Bitch.
Until the day you exit the skin of this world.
Merry fuckin’ Christmas, asshole.