FAILDOX – A How-To Guide

When you commence to faildox someone, it’s always best to start with an assumption that can’t be proved.  A couple examples:

  • A commenter identifying himself by two letters must be using HIS OWN INITIALS, and not someone else’s.
  • A commenter identifying himself by two letters must be using his FIRST and LAST initials, and ONLY IN THAT ORDER. He cannot use a FIRST and MIDDLE initial, or a MIDDLE and LAST initial, and certainly not in reverse order.  That’s just simply against the rules.
  • Sonoran Conservative can only mean he’s from Sonora, California, and not
    • Sonora, Ohio
    • Sonora, North Dakota
    • Sonora, New York
    • Sonora, Missouri
    • Sonora Mississippi
    • Sonora, Kentucky
    • Sonora, Arkansas,
    • Sonora, Arizona
    • Sonora Texas
    • Sonora, Canada
    • Or any of the 5 Sonoras scattered across Mexico.
  • “I started high school at the end of the Carter administration” can only mean 1980. It surely can’t be 1979.
  • Even if 1980 is correct, it absolutely MUST follow that a student starting in 1980 CAN ONLY graduate in 1984. No high school student has ever been held back a year. Nor has any high school student ever been sick or injured and failed to graduate with his class. And even though I know several people from my college who whizzed through high school in just three years, that couldn’t possibly be the case here. Oh, and if I remember correctly, there were still three-year high schools that started with 10th grade in various parts of the country back in 1980. But none of these things could have happened.  That would require due diligence that hotshot investigative reporters just don’t have time for.
  • Here’s another fun thought…was Sonora Union High School the ONLY high school serving that community in 1980? What were the residency boundaries?  If an “MJ” did live in the Sonoma, CA area (again, a very large and unproven assumption), how does one prove that he or she was the only such “MJ” who did, much less prove that – even if there was only one – this person didn’t attend another nearby high school?

By the way, YOU LARDASS, BEETUSJUICE-DRIPPING DUMBFUCK – when you redact information from a document…REDACT IT EVERYWHERE.  Coulter. You are responsible for me knowing that.

Now, I have no doubt that there is a Michael David Jackson who pled guilty in Pierce County, Washington, to raping his stepdaughters.  The evidence is clear and compelling.  Nearly as compelling as the evidence that Brett Kimberlin is the Speedway Bomber, and that he slept with his wife when she was underage.

I also have no doubt that the commenter MJ is Sonoran Conservative.  Not only have I proven it for myself, Sonoran Conservative has admitted that he comments under both handles.

Here’s what’s missing:

Even one scintilla of proof that Michael David Jackson has ever commented on Hogewash!, Thinking Man’s Zombie or BillySez. 

To make that connection, you ASSUMED, COMPLETELY WITHOUT PROOF, that Sonoran Conservative was from Sonora California, rather than Arizona, Arkansas, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, New York, North Dakota, Ohio, Canada or any of five towns in Mexico.

Then you doubled that error by further ASSUMING, COMPLETELY WITHOUT PROOF, that Sonoran Conservative attended Sonora Union High School.

Then, you trebled that error by further ASSUMING, COMPLETELY WITHOUT PROOF, that Sonoran Conservative started at this school in 1980.

Then, you quadrupled that error by further ASSUMING, COMPLETELY WITHOUT PROOF, that Sonoran Conservative graduated from high school in 1984.

Then, you quintupled that error by further ASSUMING, COMPLETELY WITHOUT PROOF, that Sonoran Conservative aka MJ actually has a first name that starts with M and a last name that starts with J.

To summarize…

You can say that Sonoran Conservative = MJ
And you can say that David Michael Jackson = Child Rapist

But your conclusion that MJ = David Michael Jackson springs not from facts but from at least five separate proof-deficient assumptions.

  1. You can’t prove that Sonoran Conservative was ever from Sonora, California…you can only shout it.
  2. You can’t prove that Sonoran Conservative ever attended Sonora Union High School…you can only shout it.
  3. You can’t prove that Sonoran Conservative started high school ANYWHERE in 1980…you can only shout it.
  4. You can’t prove that Sonoran Conservative graduated high school ANYWHERE in 1984…you can only shout it.
  5. You can’t prove that Sonoran Conservative has a first name that starts with M and a last name that starts with J…you can only shout it.

Every fact that follows from those assumptions pertains to Michael David Jackson.  Not a single fact connects him to Sonoran Conservative. In legal parlance, the connections you have drawn from these false assumptions – and they are false – are “Fruit of the poisoned tree.”

Also – and you’re gonna love this – it’s defamation per se! You know…”Falsely accusing someone of a crime?” Yeah, you did that.

And the consequences of that failure will be GLORIOUS to see.

  • Blogs will vanish
  • Tweets will vanish
  • Accounts will go private, then be deleted and REBRANDED!!!
  • Tears will fall from sad cheeks
  • Butts will hurt

DOX?

FAIL.

P.S. Con Man 101 – when your mark wants to be told a particular lie (“my fax machine just rang!”), TELL HIM THAT LIE.

P.P.S.

And in case you wondered, EVERYTHING is already archived, so it’s a waste of time to memory-hole your defamation.

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He Made A Fecal Case Out Of It

It was either “eat shit and do nothing about it,” or make a poopie in federal court that he would eventually be forced to eat anyway. He chose the latter.

I will be the second to admit. Bill Schmalelddt has never filed a successful lawsuit. (Not for lack of trying, mind you – just for lack of having a case. Or intelligence.) Every suit he has filed has been dismissed before reaching a point of being considered on the merits. This is because Bill Schmalelddt is too stupid to fashion a complaint that can survive a motion to dismiss for any of a dozen or so reasons. The same could be said about the defendants in his attempts to get some justice for the years of undue harassment that has been returned to him in his prescribed three-for-one ratio to what he has dished out.

It COULD be said, if the dozens of defendants he has tried to sue over the past three years had ever tried to sue him…but only one has. That case goes to trial in August. The outlook for Schmalelddt is similar to his general opinion of women – DIM.

No one – yet – has ever beaten him on the merits, for two reasons:

  1. None of his lawsuits ever reaches a point where the merits are judged. This is fortunate for Schmalelddt because when he files a LOLSUIT, there are no merits to consider;
  2. No one pays him enough mind to sue him for defamation, because his character and reputation are such that nothing he says on any subject can be taken seriously by a reasonable person.

Oh, sometimes people thump their chests without ever crediting the “disgraced” attorney who beat him like a redheaded stepchild in Wisconsin and was well paid for it. Poor Schmalelddt – he just knows so much that isn’t so.

He doesn’t have an attorney. He had one once, a charity attorney in Illinois who told him to run along home and quit bothering people with more important things to do than wipe his tears and rub ointment on his aching butt. No, he does this all by his lonesome, with the moral support of his imaginary friends and inflatable ladyboi. Besides, he’s smarter than any old dumb, disgraced lawyer anyway! There are no guarantees of success, but I do believe that he’s learned some things along the way.

OK, just kidding!! He hasn’t learned ANYTHING.

He thinks jurisdiction (subject matter and personal) is handled differently in South Carolina; he found a case that he thinks says it’s based on where the VICTIM dwells. Sadly, no. But even though he has burned his free amendment in an effort to fix some other flaw that was explicitly pointed out to him (but which he still didn’t believe until he was once more proven to be an utter fool), it’s still too early to educate the monkey. He thinks venue is also correct for the same reasons.

One reason there is no need right now to educate the monkey, or even bother to be concerned with it, is because the suit will be dismissed by the Magistrate Judge before any defendant needs to make an argument regarding his whimsical notions of jurisdiction and venue.

This is just the first step on a long journey – about 25 feet to the edge of the cliff, and then a long 2000 foot drop. This is why he told Dave Alexander the other day that he’s lucky he and Sarah Palmer live in the same state (as far as he knows – ha ha ha). He thinks he could not file under a diversity jurisdiction if two parties live in the same state. Sarah won the obviously rigged coin toss.

Remember – he’s learned some things along the way. Not enough things to get a lawsuit past motions to dismiss, or even to the point of being served, but things. That he’s learned. Like the cure for Fakinson’s disease can be found on the shores of Lake Michigan, where you will magically regain the physical dexterity if not the mental acuity required to safely drive a car again. Yay!

I have a very good idea how this will end up.

Just like all the other VII LOLSUITS filed by Bill Schmalelddt.

WJJ Hoge II and his readers, as well as defendants Johnson, Palmer and Grady will never see a summons, never have to file a motion to dismiss, never have to craft an answer and will not have to spend a moment of serious thought on Schmalelddt’s case. (Note: this case comes with sooper sekrit subpoena powah. If Schmalelddt wants to find out who I am, he will find a whole new set of obstacles to overcome.)

But I HATE to spoil the surprise!

Hoge will say he has foreseen this.

EVERYBODY foresaw this, from the moment he moved out of Iowa, the gigantic sand-filled pussy.

Of course, foresight is always more impressive when one can predict something that hasn’t happened yet.

Like, say, that Schmalelddt’s pro se complaint will be subject to review by a magistrate judge and likely be”killed in its crib?” That was foreseen.

Or that Schmalelddt would be expertly manipulated into quickly burning his free first amendment to correct something in his complaint that he maintained at first wasn’t even wrong? That was foreseen too.

Or finally, that Schmalelddt would leave behind multiple other fatal flaws in his Amended Complaint (and even make some things WORSE THAN BEFORE)? That also was foreseen.

So it looks like he had a choice between eating a turd and laying one. Like seven times before, “CLEANUP ON AISLE LOLSUIT!” Send the DUMBFUCK and make sure he brings his big spoon.

BOY…Thank goodness he was never “emotionally invested” in this one.

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Good Evening, DUMBFUCK!

How about you throw us a bone?

How are you doing in that doomed lawsuit the Hoge filed against you? Everything proceeding as you had foreseen?

Excellent! Glad to hear it. Keep up the great work, looks like this year’s LULZ harvest is going to set new records!!

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A Sequence of Events

“It was right about the time the program director told me I was fired…

…that I decided I didn’t want to work there anyway.”

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O RLY, DUMBFUCK? You Say That Like It’s A BAD Thing!

Does this ring a bell?

PLAGIARIST
LIAR

And as to vexatious litigant… 7 lawsuits in under three years, none of which survived motions to dismiss.

‘Nuff said on that.

Remember, class: All that is required to discredit Bill Schmalfeldt, is to quote Bill Schmalfeldt.

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Got A Mouse In Your Pocket, DUMBFUCK?

By now YOU should be used to the idea that YOU will never, ever be taken seriously again.

It’s common knowledge that you have never kept your reality grounded in fact (more likely…poop).

And just as a matter of curiosity, why are many of my friends telling me that you are a “candidate” for a job at the same federal agency you “apparently” defrauded for a disability retirement in 2009?

I guess $9000 in life insurance doesn’t go as far as you thought, huh?

And the ScootyPuff (it’s red, vroom, VROOM!) ain’t got no resale value, I bet.

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For A Moment I Almost Believed

…that the monkey could learn. But no.

DUMBFUCK had gone quiet. He focused, inasmuch (one word) as he could, on such useless pursuits as throwing Electoral College tantrums and making puddles of musical vomit that no one will ever hear.

And then:

Of course Hoge not LAW! LAW am LAW.

Acually KRENDLER am LAW. But DUMBFUCK surely doesn’t remember being told here that in Maryland, YOU ONLY GET ONE dispositive motion to dismiss, and you have to lay out all your defenses at once. The judge remembered, though, and ruled as anyone not DUMB AS FUCK knew he must.

LAW am LAW, and RULES am RULES. And now DUMBFUCK has violated a judge’s order, because of course he did. He wouldn’t be our DUMBFUCK otherwise.

By the way, do you know what an opposing party must do with properly submitted discovery?

Answer it.

Do you know what an opposing party must do with improperly submitted discovery?

Not a goddamn thing. Except possibly explain why they don’t have to do a goddamn thing.

RULES am RULES and LAW am LAW.

DUMBFUCK was on to something last spring…he really does need a lawyer. Sadly, the only ones who could actually help him win would have to WANT TO BE DISBARRED.

Also, paid.

Which is a deal breaker for our DUMBFUCK, car-driving, no-longer-too-disabled-to-travel, poopsniffing pauper.

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Good Afternoon, DUMBFUCK!

Gosh, I hope DUMBFUCK lets everyone know when Twitter once more becomes the proper forum and venue for a civil lawsuit.

…like some nonexistent counterclaim I could mention, but won’t.

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Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

Far be it from me to call a vile, racist DUMBFUCK “stupid,” (because I would never insult stupid people by making such a comparison) but I do have a question:

How did that forum non conveniens argument work out for you?

No comment?

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