Audience Participation Thread

Like the mighty mathematician Isaac Newton…

Like the awesome astronomer Johannes Kepler…

I, the great gadfly, the majordomo of mirth, the lord of laughter, the duke of derision, the impresario of insult, the master of modesty, the headmaster of humility and Sultan of the smackdown, have decided to compile a list of Krendler’s Laws of the Internet.

And of course, I need YOUR help!

I will start with four obvious ones, a couple of which I have shamelessly stolen (cuz I’m shameless like that) from apocryphal sources:

1. Haters gotta hate
2. Liars gotta lie
3. All mayonnaise flows downhill toward Elkridge
4. Monkeys gotta dance

As the title says, audience participation is invited.

High levels of creativity will be rewarded. The Thinking Man’s Zombie Seal of Approval is hoping to appear multiple times in this thread.

Go!

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Monkey Dance Monday

I had the inaugural “Moving On Monday” post all set to go, but the real time Parkinson’s Disease advocacy coming out of Elkridge today has far surpassed anything I could have imagined. Maybe next week.

Remember waaaaay back – gosh, when was it? Seems so long ago…oh, yeah – Saturday, when he said
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You know, I hate to say “he can talk the talk, but he can’t walk the walk,” because that seems just a cruel thing to say to a man, person cartoon supervillain with his challenges.

But when have I ever let propriety stop me?

He can talk the talk:
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Since then, one hundred twenty new tweets (and counting) without one mention of Parkinson’s Disease.

(I know some of you young zombies out there are at least partially responsible for a couple of them – I will generously share credit)

He can’t walk the walk (or roll the roll, as the case may be). He’ll always be back for more punishment.

I hope everyone had a good time watching his masterful Feldtdown today. I didn’t say anything because I was afraid if I did, he might stop.

You’re welcome.

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A: I Call It "Sauce For the Goose"

Q:
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So that happened.

You know he shut down that Twitter account at 11:00 AM ET, right?

Riiiiiight.

I think maybe I was successful in emulating a different writing style.

By applying Elkridge logic, there are only two possibilities:

A. I am a plagiarist, or
B. I am Bill Schmalfeldt.

So, to avoid being sued –

…wait… I can do this… Hold it together… c’mon…

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Damn. I really thought I could do it.

Anyway, I’d hate to run afoul of the DMCA, so I took it down (are you fucking kidding me? Not on his life!) I made a few changes.

You can go back and look, or not.

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How To Maintain A Sterling Reputation

(Note – I’m working on varying my writing style. Let me know how I’ve done.)

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This is one of those things that’s hard to write about, but since the purpose of this blog is to share my experiences with a debilitating neurological disease, if I only wrote about the nice stuff the blog wouldn’t be worth much, now would it?

So brace yourself. I’ll be as euphemistic as possible.

Jill and I were settling down to watch an “On Demand” movie. We were about 10 minutes into the movie when, without warning, I noticed I was…

“Making Bigs.”

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Now, this is not the sort of thing that you can really do without noticing it. So I said just about the only thing a person CAN say in a situation like that.

“Uh-oh!”

I made my way to the bathroom to assess the damage. Let’s just say it was moderate. My brain eventually realized what my bottom was doing and managed to close the barn door after only SOME of the horses had gotten out.

Unfortunately, some of those horses had made their way up the back of my Depends where they soiled my underpants and the shorts I was wearing. My shirt was spared.

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I got everything all cleaned up, the unfortunate adult diaper was bagged and tossed into the trash, the soiled clothing was dropped into the wash, I put on a new Depends, new shorts, and some long pajama pants.

I was a MESSY little baby.

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And just the other day, I was wondering if I really needed to keep spending money on these things as it has been quite some time since my last…

Well…

I guess they stay on the shopping list.

I mean, if I would at LEAST get some kind of WARNING…

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Oh well.

Them’s the breaks.

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Reading The Signs

I have done many things in my life. I know I did them. I was there.

I don’t feel a need to brag. I don’t have to point and yell “Hey! Look what I did! Look!”

I did it. I know it. It’s done. I have moved along, as they say (if not do).

There are people out there who DO feel the need to incessantly trumpet their meager “accomplishments” every day of their lives. I don’t think these people are trying to inform anyone of how accomplished they are. I think they crave external validation. They need that pat on the head, the little hug, the “Hey, great job dealing with the luck of the draw getting on The Price Is Right, winning a sewing machine and some much-needed mouthwash on a blind guess, and then going 0-for-12 in the one game that you could have won with a tiny bit of actual thought.”

People like this are begging to be propped up, to be told they matter, to be told their failures are actually successes.

(Hint: in a world where anyone can publish a book, it’s not until one counts the cost in time and effort and measures the return on that investment that one determines whether work has turned a profit. But if you think your time and effort has no value, who am I to judge your calculation of profit?)

Why? Who needs to be told they’re not an abject failure? Who needs constant validation so desperately?

Weak people. Uncertain people. Inadequate people.

But hey – it takes all kinds to make up a world.

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Why "Brass-Knuckles Reputation Management" Fails

It’s not because it’s a foolish tactic, even though it’s a very foolish tactic.

It’s not because a person isn’t actually a good person, even though he isn’t actually a good person.

It’s much, much simpler than that.

It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you’ll do things differently.

Warren Buffett

A good reputation is hard to build and easy to lose. Once lost it is even more difficult to rebuild. It can be done, but there are certain things that must be done. They are not optional.

Responsibility – if you want your good name back, you must take full ownership of your bad acts. No blaming others, no quibbles, no arguments. “I robbed that bank.”

Apology – any effort at rehabilitating a reputation is incomplete and useless without this. A sincere apology has four parts: admission of wrongdoing, recognition of the repercussions, a request for forgiveness and acceptance of responsibility.
A. “I robbed that bank.”
B. “I know it was wrong to rob that bank.”
C. “Please forgive me for robbing that bank.”
D. “I know I should go to jail for robbing that bank.”

Restitution – if you can’t or won’t accept responsibility for things you have done, if you can’t or won’t apologize and seek forgiveness for what you have done, then making restitution is certain to be a bridge too far. If you can’t at least make an effort to pay for or to undo the damage you’ve inflicted, you’re lost.

What I find interesting is the way that people generally fall on either side of a line dividing those who understand and accept these concepts are fact, and those who reject them. And once divided, they tend to self-reinforce.

People will expend enormous energy defending bad people, and then wonder why others think they are also bad people. They will routinely refuse to consider that they have done something wrong, preferring instead to think that their reputations have been ruined by others reminding people of the truth about them.

These people would be worthy of pity if they were not so clearly misguided.

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