Author: Paul Krendler

Poor Bill Schmalfeldt.

Poor Bill Schmalfeldt, who retired from the National Institutes of Health in 2010 due to “Parkinson’s Disease” aka “Any excuse to get rid of a worthless oxygen thief disease.

Poor Bill Schmalfeldt, photographed wearing military honors he cannot prove he earned.

Poor Bill Schmalfeldt, telling stories of military exploits he cannot prove he

Poor Bill Schmalfeldt, who spent a decade slandering people who disagreed with him on dozens of internet forums.

Poor Bill Schmalfeldt, who eight times sued those who gave back better than he could dish out.

Poor Bill Schmalfeldt, whose soulmate died in the other room while he checked his email.

Poor Bill Schmalfeldt, who couldn’t live on a pauper’s retirement, forced back into the workforce at the mighty five state Big Talker in Guymon, Oklahoma.

Poor Guymon, Oklahoma.

Can you feel the sadness? The heavy weight of darkness in poor Bill Schmalfeldt’s heart as he was forced by financial irresponsibility to leave his cozy beachside retirement in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina? The mourning as he was forced once more for the fifth time, to leave behind a beloved pet? Yes, it’s true – Monty, the Collusion Cat was left behind to weather Hurricane Florence after being promised the producer gig on Bill’s new radio show in the Oklahoma panhandle, just as Onyx was abandoned before him, and Boris and Jake and St. Gail in Iowa before her, just like Raven and Shiloh in Maryland before them.

He’s ready now to let bygones be bygones, big-hearted, forgiving guy that he is. Sorry, I’ve heard this tune before, and the Boy Who Cried Defamation has no credibility.

One might think someone had taken poor Bill Schmalfeldt’s office telephone number (580-338-1210) or his office address (2300 N. Leila, Guymon, OK 73942) and suggested that they be used to improperly harass him. Nobody I know would ever CONSIDER doing such a thing, however deserved it may be. It would be wrong. And two wrongs do not make a right. But three lefts do!

But let your hearts not be heavy, gentle reader. I, for one, do not believe there is any actual harassment going on here.  Bill Schmalfeldt might SAY he is being harassed, but he doesn’t even work at KGYN. Bill Mathews does, but Bill Schmalfeldt’s name is never heard there.

I say that unless someone is dragging Bill Schmalfeldt OUT OF HIS WORKPLACE and BREAKING HIS KNEES WITH BASEBALL BATS because of this, then there is nothing for him to worry about. Words are just words, and they cannot harm you.  “Sticks and stones,” as they say.

Or, baseball bats.

And let it NOT be said that the The Thinking Man’s Zombie advocates anyone using baseball bats to break the kneecaps of Bill Schmalfeldt! Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, if you have it in your mind that if John Hoge, Eric Johnson, Sarah Palmer, Patrick Grady, Lee Stranahan, Ken White, Patrick Frey, David Edgren, Aaron Walker, Robert Stacy McCain, Ali Alexander, Cinnamon from DailyKos, or any of the dozens of other people whom Bill Schmalfeldt has stalked and harassed on a regular basis for the last decade are friends of yours, and that Mr. Bill Schmalfeldt DESERVES to have his knees broken with baseball bats, let me dissuade you of that notion here and now.

That is not what baseball bats were made for.

For one thing, a wooden bat could break if it were used in such a reckless and lawless fashion. And if you think you can get around that by using an aluminum bat, guess again. An aluminum bat (unless it is reinforced with a lead center) would likely bend under such pressure.  Now, I hear the crafty ones out there saying, “Yeah? Well, what if I drill out the center of a WOODEN baseball bat, fill IT with lead, cover the tip with Plastic Wood?  Wouldn’t THAT do the job?”

Again, I say, you are wasting your time with all that effort.  Tire irons are much more readily available.

And I am NOT saying that Bill Schmalfeldt deserves to be dragged from his workplace, wherever it is, out to the street, and thus have his knees broken by ANYTHING, be it a tire iron, or a lead pipe, or a lead-filled baseball bat. Nor should he be taken by a group of seven or eight strong men (or twelve or fifteen, he’s a lardy fellow) and thrown in front of a moving truck.  You would have to consider the emotional damage that would be done to the innocent truck driver unless the truck driver agrees to be part of your conspiracy in the first place. Plus, a truck might swerve to miss Bill Schmalfeldt, the driver could lose control, jackknife his trailer and cause a lot of unintentional damage to innocent people and property instead of to Bill Schmalfeldt.  And if it’s a truck with a hazardous payload, like sulfuric acid, I don’t think I need to tell YOU how severe the environmental damage would be.

So, NO! Do NOT hit Bill Schmalfeldt with baseball bats or lead pipes or tire irons on his knees, arms, elbows, shins, or any other parts of his body.  It would be painful and degrading, moreso to you as an outraged, but otherwise law-abiding citizen.  It would ruin your life if the authorities caught you and decided to press charges.  I understand in some localities, the authorities tend to turn a blind eye to stalkers and bullies getting a deserved comeuppance.  I could not hazard a guess as to whether Guymon is such a community, if Bill Schmalfeldt does in fact live there.

So, let’s leave things as they are. Let Bill Schmalfeldt alone to live with the dark deeds he has perpetrated in the past. Let yourself not be dragged down to his Neanderthal level and degrade yourself by using brute force to punish his many, many alleged crimes against nature and humanity.

Know that the sternest punishment one can legally employ against blackguards like Bill Schmalfeldt is the sure and certain knowledge that when he awakens each morning, he will still be…

Bill Schmalfeldt.

And God shall deal with his sins. Probably with a fugly woman to live with. One who would rather play Final Fantasy and pretend to #RESIST on Twitter, while waiting for promised repairs to her vandalized cemetery of a chomp hole.

Poor Bill Schmalfeldt.