Damn, I Wish I'd Thought of That!

You probably heard about this by now, how a teabagging dipshit conservative blogger named Clayton Thomas Kelly snuck into a nursing home so he could take a quick snapshot of Sen. Thad Cochran’s bedridden wife, suffering from dementia?

I think I may have to relinquish my crown as the World’s Greatest Investigative Reporter. I should have thought of doing this years ago. I’m so disappointed in myself. Continue reading “Damn, I Wish I'd Thought of That!”

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PLEASE, I'M BEGGING – For the Love of God, Stop Me Before I FailDox Again!

Victorious, the soldier returns from the battlefield. I am no longer engaged in Internet warfare. I have scrubbed this blog of all reference to the vanquished foe who lies vanquished in Westminster having been vanquished by me, the Great Vanquisher. But my victorious victory has not come without a price. In every battle I have ventured forth across the cyber-minefield of blogs and Tweets carefully planted specifically and for no other purpose but to intentionally aggravate my Parkinson’s disease. Continue reading “PLEASE, I'M BEGGING – For the Love of God, Stop Me Before I FailDox Again!”

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Oblivious People Tend to Be Oblivious

The person that I thought might be the slime ball I want to frame for threatening to gut my dogs is not the person I want to frame for threatening to gut my dogs.

I know, I know. You’re shocked. I’ll give you all a moment to regain consciousness, splash some water on your face, maybe get the smelling salts.

As it turns out, she is a very nice, very sweet lady who has no idea why a poor, indigent, disabled, creepy old man from the other side of the country would call her up and threaten to publish all her personal information on the internet for no good reason other than pettiness and spite.

She returned my phone call about an hour ago and we had a very pleasant conversation. She was far more polite to me than I had been to her. Because, let’s face it – I couldn’t be more of a dick if my feet were testicles. Regardless, after she spent 50 minutes trying to convince me that I was wro**, that I was incor****, that I had made a mist***, that she wasn’t the motherf*cking bastard LICKSPITTLE!! who threatened my mayonnaise-loving puppies that I’m going to track down and expose if it’s the last goddamn thing I do.

What was I talking about?

Oh, yeah…so, anyway…

I apologized for calling her out of the blue and scaring her like that, but I needed to be sure – or let an arbitrary deadline pass – before I went public with the info I had, which everyone knows is always right (even today, no matter what this poor bitch says, it’s probably her husband, just you wait). See, unlike Chris Heather (or Jeremy Kinsey) and Robin Wesley Causey (or Howard Earl) and Patrick Grady (or KimberlinUnmasked or OwainPenilyn? Frankie? Johnny Tyler?) and Nancy Gilly (or Tom Puzio), I did not have independent verification that the person I thought to be the slimebag was the slimebag.

I wanted to post something online, in case the slimebag was keeping an eye on me, the way I stalk all the blogs and Twitter feeds of Hoge and all his little HOGEIST LICKSPITTLE MINIONS!!1!1ELEVENTY!1!!

But I didn’t reveal all her info. Now, I don’t have to. I have to keep digging because I was wro**, because I was incor****, because I made a mist***, because she MIGHT not be the motherf*cking bastard LICKSPITTLE!! who threatened my mayonnaise-loving puppies.

This is what happens when a person who has never heard of me and has no idea what a leaking sphincter I really am or what evil I’m capable of, ignorantly treats me with infinitely more deference and respect than I deserve simply because I say I’m a “journalist,” which is a little like saying Barack Obama is a “good President.” They don’t hang up, because they’re completely oblivious. They don’t pretend to be something they’re not, because the “world’s greatest investigative journalist” – yes, me, you MORON! – concluded that Google Hit #1 Must Be The Perpetrator. You ask questions, you get straight answers from gullible senior citizens who have no clue who you are.

How much simpler would my life be if Ali Akbar had done that. Or Lee Stranahan or any of the scum sucking bottom feeders who refused to be coerced and bullied into answering sick, twisted questions from a sick, twisted Puhrtend EHRMAGERD! Germy Lust.

She wanted to know how I got her cellphone number. I told her that one does not question the magical talents of the purtend jurnurlirst. No, seriously!

I’d love to be able to say I had to dig seriously to find the number, that it really was a serious journalistic achievement, but I came by her number the same way I always do: it was a total accident. The stupid broad left it on her answering machine message. I told her the best advice I could give her is to get offline and don’t ever come back, because I’m very likely to forget the whole conversation ever happened and dox her anyway. I’m sure she’s a very nice lady, but, well…I’m a leaking sphincter with a hole at the top of my head and testicles where my feet should be. What do you expect?

This is what I have been saying all along. Ignorant people answer stupid questions when they are asked. If the answer is, “none of your business,” that’s fine. But don’t duck, dodge, hide, try to twist or slime the person who asked you ignorant questions that are “none of their business.” All you do is get my curiosity aroused.

And if there’s one thing NOBODY needs to see, it’s me when I’m aroused. I don’t think they sell eye bleach in 55 gallon drums.

And you really don’t want to see how that turns out. Every time I’m humiliated, I just hide for five days in shame and bitter embarrassment, then re-double my efforts. Do I give up? Do I give up pursuing the people I am pursuing?

Golly, no. There’s only one thing that will stop me and that will be the day the men in white come to the tornado-magnet, put me in the extra-long sleeve jacket and take me for a ride to Spring Grove.

Until then, scumbags beware, because The Great Walking – well, Rolling, actually – Skinflute of Elkridge is coming burst your bubble. So do a better job of covering your tracks.

OK, PXXXXXX Mason of Portland?

Is that Maine, Oregon, Texas, Tennessee, North Dakota, Indiana, Connecticut, Michigan, Arkansas, New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Missouri or Kentucky?

NAILED IT AGAIN! LIKE A BOSS!!

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THINGS I REALLY LIKE A LOT IN A TRANSPARENTLY NARCISSISTIC PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE WAY

Let’s start the day on a passive-aggressively positive note with a short list of things that I really, really like a whole lot.

1. I like it when a person who’s had multiple books removed from publication due to blatant copyright violations lectures on copyright law. And Parkinson’s Disease.

2. I like it when a yibble bibble bibble dribbling moron, whose sum total of reward for all his accomplishments is a pauper’s retirement in a single-wide tornado magnet, assumes that he knows every detail of everyone’s life based solely on what he can FIND online, regardless of what may EXIST online. I also like it when such a fool thinks he knows more about anything than the collective Wisdom of Crowds. Or Parkinsons Disease, which I suffer from.

3. I love it when morbidly obese, cowardly ex-government functionaries who have slid by on the path of least resistance their whole miserable lives mock people who make an effort to be a positive force in their communities, instead of just being another helpless calf (who suffers from Parkinson’s Disease – the gait kind) sucking the government tit.

4. I am thrilled when people with lifelong records of consistent achievement mock my provable record of repeated (and repeated, and repeated, and repeated, and repeated – Jesus, where will it end??) online “journalism” failures. And my Parkinson’s Disease, which I know is really just mocking me, but if I say it’s about Parkinson’s it just sounds so much more “VICTIM-Y” doesn’t it?

5. Nothing makes me happier than seeing someone mention any kind of disability or disorder, because it gives me another target to gleefully mock, even though I suffer from Parkinson’s Disease myself – the gait kind, not the tremor kind… Although, when I say “nothing makes me happier,” I guess that really doesn’t include a nice footlong with mayonnaise…

6. The vibrant, thoughtful, creative and stimulating commentary that follows each of my brilliant blog posts. Oh, wait… I forgot – I’m not the Defendant, I’m the Planitiff! And I have Parkinson’s! Have I mentioned that?

7. Oh, and I smile when people who (as far as my meager Google-Fu has been able to determine…HINT, HINT!) have never written anything more successful than a grocery list tell me how to compile a “book” from stolen blog posts or point out to me the many times and the seemingly endless variety of ways I have violated, and continue to violate, both federal copyright law and the most basic rules of journalism. Which I can do because of my debilitating Parkinson’s, which has also made me indigent, which makes my wife sad and lonesome.

8. I love it when I get up in the morning and type a fresh rant about someone who, in my opinion, is responsible for the stress which causes accelerated deterioration of my Parkinson’s – which I suffer from, by the way – always repicking the same idiotic arguments on a line-by-line basis, spouting the same self-serving, subjective mis-interpretation of state and federal law, then complaining that the judge who granted the bogus peace order doesn’t understand what “the Twitter” is, and the Appeals Court is going to overturn it anyway because PARKINSON’S!! (I think I know someone who has that…) and HOGEIST LICKSPITTLE MORONS!!

Where was I? Oh, yeah…

9. I love it when I check my website to raise money to “Help Me Get My Good Name Back From The Wingnuts” and see that balance steadily holding at precisely three-tenths of one percent of the goal. What a great feeling it is to express my right to free speech using sock puppet accounts on Facebook and Twitter, safe in the knowledge that I have such good friends and allies backing me up in times of need, like when my Parkinson’s Disease is especially bad. I did mention that, didn’t i? Of course I did, you dim girl!

And you know what I like best of all, right after sharing a footlong with mayonnaise? And this isn’t ACME LAW or my opinion or anything that came to me in a dream – like when the Bobber visits and we wrassle like when we were boys.

10. I LOVE THE FACT THAT AFTER STUDYING LAW AT HARVARD,YALE AND THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND, I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT THE PARTS OF THE LAW I DON’T LIKE APPLY JUST AS DO THE PARTS OF THE LAW THAT I DO LIKE!

Life is good. But my dick hurts. And why am I wearing hobnail boots?

HONORABLE MENTIONS OF THINGS I REALLY LIKE:

11. Alpo Helper Wednesday

12. The daily invitations to be a guest on Jerry Springer.

13. Having a dog who likes mayonnaise, too.

14. Memories of going horseback riding with Mom. She’d send the Bobber and me for an hour on the trail riding Buttercup and Sugarbear, while she stayed behind in the stable to ride Big Mandingo. He was a big damn horse. And Mom always had a funny walk going back to the car.

15. The first warm day of Spring, when we can really air out the house after being cooped up all winter. At some point, the Lysol just can’t cut it anymore!

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Last Man Staggering

They killed “My Slow, Journalistic Death.” (Period inside the quotation mark.) Because I violated a copyright.

They killed “Intentional Infliction”. (Period outside the quotation mark. Do I need to remind you that I’m such a serious, trained, experienced “journalist” evolved beyond the need for editing and proof reading! Foolish mortals! MWAHAHAHAHA!!1ELEVENTY 1!!11). Because I violated a copyright.

They killed “WJJ Hoggy Tells You How to Smack Around a Handicapped Liberal (and get away with it).” Because I violated a copyright.

And now, “Cyber Ins@nity” has been tossed off of the lists at Lulu.com. They won’t tell me why, and I have no past experience to give me a single indication. I’m so confused.

As a “journalist,” I stole, summarized and rearranged a dozen posts from as many bloggers into this so-called “book” in a desperate, wasted, fruitless attempt to convince someone, anyone, anywhere to ignore my years of cyberbullying others and treat me as the victim of those I’ve spent years torturing. If I had to get permission to lie about everyone I lie about, I would have to give up writing altogether.

All of this, because of the Real Content Providers, the Free Speech Lovers defending their ownership of the stuff I swipe with not the tiniest mote of shame.

The Hogeists. The Hoggy, Hoggy Hogeists. The LICKSPITTLES. The Minions. The Dim Unfocused Morons Who Need To Brighten Up And FOCUS!!! (I have to keep thinking of new terminology because they keep pwning me.) THEY get to decide what I can steal to publish and sell. Not the publisher. Not you, the reader. The Hogeists will decide what you can read. Because I simply cannot figure out how to finish a book without – what’s the phrase? Oh, yes – fucking with someone else’s stuff.

And look at what it has cost me.

Get “Cyber Ins@nity” while you still can. It might be worth something after I’m dead. It certainly isn’t worth anything right now.

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Trying To Silence Me, Pretty Much Because I'm Guilty

We Bullies HATE It When You Fight Back!

I had yet another Facebook account taken down because I am writing lies about Robin Causey and WJJ Hoge III. I re-established it last night and posted NOTHING! This morning, it was gone again, because these wise and gentle men who regularly scare streams of fear-pee from my loins, do not want me to continue spreading lies about them.

They have filed several legitimate DMCA complaints against me. This morning, I was lying about that to friends one of my many Twitter accounts, one of the very few that has not been suspended or abandoned. Now, that has been taken from me as well.

I guess this is going to turn into one of those games where my efforts to tell lies about them will be like “whack-a-mole.” If I put up a new Twitter account and start talking shit, Causey/Hoge will just get it taken down. If I put up a new Facebook account, Causey/Hoge will just have it taken down. Because I’m a big fat liar. With Parkinson’s. And I’m indigent. Probably because I got hold of some bad mayonnaise.

I hope I don’t make bigs again before she gets home.

HOGEISTS!!

CAUSEY!!

FOCUS!!

DIM GIRL!!

LICKSPITTLES!!

MOTHER’S DAY PHOTOSHOPS!!

AKBAAAAAAAAR!!!

Uh-oh…frozen again!

(Come on, Shiloh…bark for daddy)

Ack! Thank goodness!

The point I was going to make is, I have filed false DMCA counterclaims with CreateSpace and Amazon. Hoge/Causey are required to do nothing to prove they have taken steps to file a court order. They are not required to file a response to my obviously false counterclaim filing suit against me for violating “their copyrights” within 14 days if they wish to contest my lies. After checking with intellectual property attorneys, since the State of Arizona has no jurisdiction over me.

(WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT SENTENCE EVEN MEAN?)

I don’t live there, and I have official letters of thanks from Arizona and 48 other states to prove it. My book was not directed at the state of Arizona, which has nothing to do with anything because copyright law is in the federal jurisdiction. Therefore, according to the precedent set down by the US 1oth (or 10th – whatever, I’m a fully trained German Liszt!) Circuit Court in Dudnikov v. Chalk & Vermilion Fine Arts, Causey will not have to file in the US District Court for the District of Maryland by May 29, or the “book” goes back online. Because I, the Great and Powerful Schmalfeldt, speak it, and by speaking it, make it so!

Bender of reality and un-reinforced furniture, that’s me!

And if our Free Speech Loving Hoge and Causey don’t want me to have the platform of Twitter or Facebook to bully them into submission, I yield to their opinion. I have other options.

Hmm…maybe I’ll try a radio station and see how that works out!

See ya in court (Ah, but when? That’s the really interesting question.)!

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