In Re: A LOL Suit

While I know that we really and truly shouldn’t help the poor dear (or his handlers) I thought it might be awfully Zombie of me to take a stroll through the Introduction to his LOL suit and help him out in letting him know where he went wrong with things. It’s amazing what a little bit of reading comprehension and having a firmer grasp on reality can accomplish. And they say I’m the one with the rotting brains? Sheesh!




  1. Plaintiff William M SCHMALFELDT, Sr. (“MEEEEEEE”) hereby brings this complaint to recover damages inflicted by Defendants, defined below, for engaging in inflicting god-awful butthurt upon me, including but not limited to (1) repeating things that I’ve said about myself in the past, (2) making fun of things I’ve said in the past, (3) bringing me to task when I’ve done something wrong, (4) hauling me to court when I’ve broken a restraining order, (5) not letting me have my way, (6) given me bad reviews for my crappy books, (7) talked together and (8) totally not taken my butthurttedness and special snowflake status into account.
  2. Defendants did, individually and severally, engage in conduct to libel MEEEEEEE by making totally factual and true allegations about him in their various blog posts and Twitter accounts. As a result, MEEEEEEE is permanently damaged since a Google search of his name will come back with the plain and utter truth told online by Defendants. This qualifies as repeating things that I’ve said about myself on the internet and in published books in the past that I’ve deleted in my head and should have gone away permanently but they kept them and keep publishing them over and over again so that they could permanently cast a person in a negative light. These truths were spread willfully, with malice, knowing the effect such truth would have on MEEEEEEE’s reputation as a writer, as an active member in the Parkinson’s Disease Fundraising Community, and as a shitstain on the underpants of humanity.
  3. Defendants did, individually and severally, encourage their blog readerships to spread these truthful facts about MEEEEEEE in order to increase their readership in the right wing blogging community and increase the revenue they receive in donations.
  4. Defendants did, individually and severally, contact agencies and freelance employers of MEEEEEEE and flooded their inboxes with defamatory truths about MEEEEEEE to the extent that one organization, the National Parkinson Foundation, which MEEEEEEE has raised hundreds of pennies for through book and merchandise sales, asked him to remove their name from MEEEEEEE’s promotional material because they realized what a tub of shit I am. Defendants contacted editors of online publications to smear and defame MEEEEEE as a “deranged cyberstalker” because I am one who would bring disrepute to their publications. At least one publication, “The Examiner,” discharged MEEEEEEE long before some of these Defendants heard of MEEEEE. MEEEEEEE left “Digital Journal” after their editor asked why he was receiving all these truth-filled emails about what a “bad person” Plaintiff was in my own words. Plaintiff resigned to spare him having to further deal with these online truth spreaders. There is no telling how many freelance opportunities Plaintiff applied for that never responded to MEEEEEEE’s application due to the online truthfulness of MEEEEEEE’s reputation because the Defendants wouldn’t let things that I said go away like I wanted them to, or in the case of one job because I kept applying for it over and over and over and over again like the deranged cyberstalker that I am. Defendants also, individually and severally, wrote truthful negative reviews of books available for sale on Amazon, books that Amazon doesn’t care if they purchase or read before making a review, for the purpose of making sure MEEEEEEE’s rating was at the appropriate “1-star” level because they are awful pieces of turgid crap that would be used in place of toilet paper if only they weren’t printed on awfully scratchy paper instead. Just ask me how I know.
  5. Defendants did, individually and severally, place MEEEEEEE under a truthful light by claiming online in their logs and Twitter posts that he was engaged in creating and selling pornography and “making audio tapes of child rape”, a charge that is completely true because the Maryland statute for child pornography specifically uses the words “using a computer to depict or describe a minor engaging in an obscene act, sadomasochistic abuse, or sexual conduct” which is precisely what I did with those “comedy sketches.” They also cast a false light on MEEEEEEE by portraying him to the public as a “deranged cyberstalker,” a moniker that I liked so much I even made it into the title of one of my eleventy billion websites that I then used to promote my child pornography, and as a villain under any number of other appellations as will be disclosed in the course of trial.
  6. Defendants did, individually and severally, engage in a course of conduct designed to cause intentional and extreme emotional distress and butthurt to MEEEEEEE, as will be demonstrated at trial.
  7. Defendants did, individually and severally, conspire to obstruct justice in Defendant HOGE’s two-year long effort to stop MEEEEEEE from contacting him because I am totally obsessed with him, through the introduction of stuff that I actually sent HOGE but am now saying that I didn’t because it was really, really stupid of me to do so in court, and by truths told under penalty of perjury on peace order petitions that I think are lies because I don’t want them to be true, so there.
  8. Defendant HOGE did, with the assistance of other Defendants, engage in conduct designed to prosecute MEEEEEEE for crimes and civil torts MEEEEEEE did totally commit.



And that’s just for starters. I don’t know that I have another 16 pages of corrections in me, but perhaps we will get there.


Cleaning House

After several weeks of neglect, I finally decided to clean up the comments in my spam queue.  Eighteen pages of mass-marketing garbage, but because I know that once in a while a treasured commenter may throw in a blacklisted word and get caught in the filter, I have to look at everything to make sure nothing is missed.

This time, I found a few choice nuggets in there from unexpected sources.  And I thought we should have a chat about that.

To begin, we must lay down some context.  On Monday February 2nd,  the following soliloquy appeared on Twitter.  Of course there are tweets before it and tweets below, but I find this particular monologue to be self-contained and contextual.  In truth, while what he says here is noteworthy, when he says it is actually more important. Continue reading “Cleaning House”


Letter To the Mayor of Eugene, Oregon

Dear Mommy Mayor Piercy,

I’ve never been to your fine city, but I’ve read awfully nice things about it. In fact, it’s one of the few places that I haven’t worked, which is why I have no pension or 401K. And I have Parkinson’s Disease, which you’ll be hearing a lot about in my letter to you.

I write to you this morning because it appears that you have a trash collection problem. For years, I’ve been viciously stalked and defamed by one of your constituents, a Facebook friend of yours by the name of Dan Foreman! Please refer to the attached charts that lay out my investigative process in detail. You’ll be as convinced as I am. I’m actually probably entirely wrong, but let’s pretend that I’m not for the moment.

I’m a war hero with Stage XLVIII Parkinsons. I can’t work, walk or even drive car. I haven’t made sweet, sweet love to my wife since the mid to late aughts. The dementia is now so bad that I forget that I’m demented and start investigating the evil stalkers who call me demented, which is how you came to my attention.

Foreman, who is your best friend in the whole world, even impersonated my COUSIN for several years. My noted legal scholarship, along with that guy on AVVO, the one who doesn’t think I’m a crazed turd, informs me that this is a felony. A felony that you abet through City Hall!

Do you know why he and a cabal of right-wing thugs are persecuting, hounding and bullying me like they did to esteemed Professor Deb Frisch, Ms. Piercy. They’re doing it because I have a most excellent friend who just happened to repeatedly bomb a small town in Indiana in the 1970s, which was a long time ago. And he’s a good Democrat now, just like you and me! Except I’m a disabled veteran with Parkinson’s who only drops bombs in my pants, and I don’t think you spend all day cursing at a computer monitor.

But I demand that the bullying stop! I’ve had enough! ENOUGH, I say! I want “Cousin Roy” to grab his ankles, and you can make Foreman do it! I found him. Now you must finish him!

You don’t want you city taken away, do you, Your Honor? I don’t want to have to do it, but I will. I will issue a press release and make a video telling everyone the truth about you, “Cousin Leroy” and all of Eugene! I may even write 12 books about it! It WILL be worse than Watergate. Your name will forever be tied with shame in history, Kitty!

You might be asking, “What does this fine, disabled veteran want?”

I want it ALL, Kitty! I want you to send Dan to me. Strip him of his citizenship and send him to my trailer. And most importantly, unfriend him on Facebook this instant! There will be dire consequences for you if I don’t have evidence that you have done these things by close of business, eastern time! Tomorrow I send everything I have to the WisconsinOregon media.

Be well,

William M. Schmalfeldt,
Elkridge, Maryland.


Patterns, Repetition, and Checking Your Premises

Interesting, isn’t it, the way the patterns repeat themselves? And how simple and predictable things become if one has the wit to understand them. Even failing that, how simple it is to get what one wants by speaking plainly and truthfully, and listening attentively to instruction that comes one’s way.

It’s also interesting how badly things work out when a person cannot understand the patterns before him, cannot speak his desires plainly and in truth, and does not pay attention to the instruction that comes his way.

Take, for instance, this guy I know of.

He keeps saying he just wants to be left alone. I’m sure he could get what he wants if he could only prove by his deeds that his words are spoken both plainly and truthfully. But by what he does, he disproves his words. He says he wants to be left alone, but every time he gets left alone, he gets lonely and, starved for attention, he goes picking fights.

There was a time back in August when he got several good days of being left alone. And then he decided he had to write a book all about how picked on he was, and he had to steal from blogs and brag about the theft. And a lot of people who had been leaving him alone, which was what he said he wanted, decided that he had not been speaking plainly and truthfully. What his deeds told others was that he wanted ATTENTION, and the coveted victim status that went with it.

And that was what he got. And oh, how he did complain!

He had missed the pattern, and he had not paid attention to the instruction that had come his way.

And he did not prosper, and he did not gain in wisdom and understanding, and he did perpetrate much folly, and he did suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous mockery. Many found it FUN! But he did not.

And during this time of foolishness and mockery he attacked others while continuously maintaining in childish and tearful tones, that he just wanted to be left alone. But his actions outweighed his words, and it was clear that the truth was not in him.

He treated this game like battle, as if he had a real reputation at stake. And for it, he stood to face still more mockery and ridicule.

During this time, I tried to explain to him the pattern. If he truly wished to be left alone, the path was open to him and unobstructed. Quit, I told him. Go away. The mockery will surely die after a time. Just as every sensational new thing has its day and fades, so would this. Go away and be left alone.

But he had not the wit to understand the pattern, to see the simple and predictable path to the oft-stated destination of his desires.

Then just a few days ago, he vanished again, promising a self-imposed exile until January 30. Perhaps, pending a show cause hearing where contempt changes might loom, understanding had at last dawned. For six days he remained silent, and many hoped he would vanish forever. Even I stopped posting, in hopes beyond reason that at last he had discovered the first step of the path to his desire.

Sadly, my hopes were misplaced, for his thick, mud-filled skull remained impenetrable. He returned a day early, first to attack Twitter users for things they had done several days before, then to offer condolences on the death of a longtime friend whom he had never mentioned before on Twitter. Where most normal people would make a phone call or send a sympathy card, he felt the need to tweet his grief. On its own it might have been noble, but it made exceedingly poor excuse for the attacks that preceded it.

And as before, the pattern remained elusive to him. Fully revealed, not once but twice in my observation (and likely many more times beyond it), he cannot see.

And so comes the time when I must Check. My. Premises.

Perhaps I must question whether this person is speaking plainly and truthfully. Perhaps what he truly wants differs greatly from what he says he wants.

Perhaps, when he says he wants to be left alone, what he truly wants is to be left alone to do as he wishes to whomever he wishes without being mocked, ridiculed, questioned or otherwise held to account for it.

This is a desire, stated plainly and perhaps even truthfully, which is entirely consistent with the actions he takes. He seems to want to play internet bully and have no one stand up to him. Because he can’t do that, he whines and cries like the defeated bully he is.

The sad, simple, predictable truth is that the internet is not a schoolyard where the biggest kid wins the fight. Or even the kid with the biggest brother. The internet is a playing field leveled for a different skill set.

Out here, the smartest kid wins. The kid with the quickest wit. The kid who can catch an insult and laugh, then double it and throw it back. The kid with the most friends.

And this guy, in this game, needing these skills…is ALWAYS the last kid taken.


Today's Lesson

Here’s the letter:

Here’s his signature on the Peace Order petition he filed against Patrick Grady.

Of course, he’s never posted that petition online:

But that’s a lie.  Almost from the moment he was served with Grady’s Stalking NO CONTACT (hint, hint) Order Summons, he began setting his CBParodyRecords blog and Twitter timeline afire with talk of perjury and making extortionate threats of what awful fates would befall Mr. Grady if he didn’t change his mind.  On November 7, 2014 The Lord High Duke of Cocksnogging filed a petition for a retaliatory Peace Order.

Then he posted that order.  (It’s hidden now…shhhh!)  Fortunately, THE INTERNET IS FOREVER.  Thank you, Wayback Machine

Ta-daaaa!  Also, Fuck You.

Now, let’s compare signatures:

Conveniently, he can no longer write cursive anymore.  So no two signatures are alike.

Isn’t that a wonderfully twisted bit of logic? Golly, I wonder what he would have said if the signatures didn’t match?  Wild guess:


It’s so cool how he could be covered either way, right?

And while the syphilitic catchfart could find the post that John made about that petition…

…strangely, he couldn’t find

…so since he can’t remember it, it must never have happened.

But he gave a copy of Hoge’s post (containing his signature) to the judge, thus proving that the signature came from the petition that he signed (under penalty of perjury, no less!), and further proving that the signature on the letter which he sent, which kinda-sorta matched the signature on the petition that he signed, could not possibly have been his signature, because he never signs the same signature twice, so “whoever” “forged” this “fraud” needn’t have bothered with anything more complicated than a W followed by swoosh.  The poor fool!

So anyway, someone has been provided incontrovertible proof of something.   I have no idea what’s been proved, but if the Big BM says it’s proved, it’s proved!  If he says he never posted a Peace Order Petition, by God, he never did!  You can take it to the bank!  He can’t, because it’s cold outside and his shrunken little BBs are buried under the lint and used up gum wrappers in his wife’s coin purse.

But you can!