I’ve Been Chronicling The Malicious Idiocy of Bill (Schmalfeldt) Matthews for a Long Time!

(Author’s note: Please keep in mind that all great comedy springs from truth. With that in mind as you read the following parody, be assured that most of the circumstances that are described here – the set-ups, if not the actual punchlines – are grounded in true events. Or, if not precisely true events, then events that Bill (Schmalfeldt) Matthews has at one time or another described as true.  But he’s a documented liar, so you never can tell…which is why we have the freedom to choose which version of his bullshit stories to believe; even HE can’t keep them straight!)

Welcome to my rest stop on the Information Superhighway.

(Dang, does anyone even still call it that?)

No, DUMBFUCK – it’s just the cybertubes now. Get with it.

This is a website where I have gathered much of the audio and verbal diarrhea Bill Schmalfeldt has pimped out into the public airwaves and online. Well, not all that much, actually.  The Cub Scout Rape skits aren’t here. All the racist bits he wrote and performed – you won’t find those here either. The rambling rants against WJJ Hoge, Lee Stranahan, Aaron Walker, Knot My Wisconsin and all the other political enemies he has made, those aren’t here.  If you know where to look, though you can find every second of every stupid, vile, perverted and profane podcast he’s ever recorded.

It’s an absolute testimony to stupidity, shortsightedness, and the lingering effects of same on present and future employment prospects.  In other words, if you are a radio program director looking to hire Bill (Schmalfeldt) Matthews, you don’t have to dive too deep to find a very good reason to look elsewhere. He may look attractive because he’ll come cheap, but even for what you’ll pay, you’ll be disappointed. Especially in his ability to avoid the topics you tell him to avoid.

Continue reading “I’ve Been Chronicling The Malicious Idiocy of Bill (Schmalfeldt) Matthews for a Long Time!”

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No, Really! I LURVE Retire-MINT!

Totally cereal about this. I have no intention of uprooting my balloon animal and giving my cat away AGAIN for a minimum wage radio gig in the hustings for a company that doesn’t believe in due diligence or background checks.

Pro-tip: if you are continuously trying to “un- retire,” you are UNEMPLOYED, DUMBFUCK.

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Wait…Whut?

The monumentally stupid post DUMBFUCK Bill Schmalfeldt wrote at Billy Boy Unread is safely archived here.

In brief, DUMBFUCK Bill Schmalfeldt is advocating for a Christofascist theocracy…

…to own the cons?

You’re doing it wrong, DUMBFUCK.

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Earworm Wednesday (a couple days late)!!

Many thanks to AJ Fornicarius Hoc for the parody lyrics inspiration!

Hey, Bungling Oaf Bill
What did you spill
Bungling Oaf Bill?

He went out Trump hunting with his balloon animal girlfriend
In case of accidents he always wore Depends
He’s the all American penis-headed nutshuffler with no friends.
All the Cub Scouts sing

Hey, Bungling Oaf Bill
What’s in those pills
Bungling Oaf Bill?

Deep in the Beltway where the mighty Trumpster sleeps
Bill and Inflataskank got arrested cuz they’re creeps
The Secret Service sent them out to hump some sheeps
All the Cub Scouts sing

Hey, Bungling Oaf Bill
Is your I.Q. nil
Bungling Oaf Bill?

The Cub Scouts asked about Bill’s nonexistent chin
And if it was the same for his monoplacental twin
When Lady Dye did laugh he tossed her in a bin
All the Cub Scouts sing

Hey, Bungling Oaf Bill
Your panties have frills
Bungling Oaf Bill!

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Dumbass Tweet o’ the Day Nominee

I know this is the purview of MJ at Sonoran Conservative, but I saw this at thought it deserves consideration, even though the day is barely half over at this point.

You see, I too condemn harassment and threatening conduct of any sort (shame on the protesters who showed up at Tucker Carlson’s home and made threats); however, after leaving the office today, I think Jennifer Rubin might change her tune if someone who thinks SHE deserves none of the niceties normally accorded to others in her position tossed her out of a restaurant.

Or pounding on her front door until it breaks.

Or tossing her food off the table.

Or threatening her outside her home.

Remember the Rule of However: everything preceding it was a lie.

 

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A Word About Freedom of the Press

Let me begin by making several clear and explicit statements of opinion.

  1. I believe President Donald Trump is not a nice man.
  2. I believe President Trump has learned a lot about people over the course of his career in business.
  3. I believe that the first and foremost character trait that describes President Trump is negotiator.
  4. I believe President Trump views between 90-98% of his daily personal interactions as a potential deal to be made.
  5. I believe that if you want to earn the respect of Donald Trump, in his role as President or not, you must show him respect first.

Those things being said…

One of the most powerful techniques available to a negotiator in any situation is “walkaway power.” If you can leave a deal on the table and walk out of the room forever, you are much more likely to get what you want from that deal.

If you don’t think it’s true, try it the next time you buy a car and see how long it takes the salesman to call you.

President Trump has walkaway power.  He can quit being the President and go back to what he was before at any time.  It’s unlikely that he will, but more possible than it has been with any president going back to Lyndon Johnson.

He’s not as emotionally invested in being President as the American people are accustomed to seeing. He doesn’t have to please anyone but himself. Over the last three years, I think he has learned that by doing what he wants to do, he is pleasing an awful lot of the American people too.

Obviously all those people are LITERALLY racists, LITERALLY sexists, LITERALLY fascists, LITERALLY Nazis and other assorted insults that are LITERALLY diminishing in power every time they are used.

Today, in his post-election press conference, he wielded that walkaway power against Jim Acosta and several other members of the WHPC who tried to defend him.

Many members of the press, as networks and individuals, have condemned Trump for his attacks on the press. They say he has a duty to protect a free press rather than attack it.

They can say that without fear of being arrested, jailed or lured into a consulate and losing a fistfight with a bonesaw.

Because here in America, the press is, in fact, FREE.

Free to write what they want about President Trump, even if it’s false.

Free to print what they want about President Trump, even if it’s false.

Free to say what they want about President Trump, even if it’s false.

Free to attack him verbally in a press conference in the White House itself.

Free in every possible way a journalist can be free to do his or her job.

But there are and always have been limits on the freedom of the press. Some of these are legal limits, such as libel, slander and other forms of defamation, but the bar on those is awfully high, and that’s not what I’m talking about.

The press is limited (or perhaps I should say the RESPONSIBLE press is limited) by the ability of any citizen, man, woman or child, all the way up to and including the President of the United States, to slam a door in their face and refuse to answer their questions.

Walkaway power.

Just because a reporter has a right to ask questions and chase stories without interference from the government, this does not confer upon any citizen the obligation to answer those questions or help with those stories. Nor does it obligate any citizen, including the President, from expressing his opinion on the veracity of their end product, of the character of individual journalists or of the outlets employing them.

Calling a dead skunk a bouquet of roses doesn’t change the smell.

Getting back to President Trump – he’s not a nice man.  He knows bullshit when he hears it, and when he speaks it, which is frequently. As a dealmaker, he’s not going to be inclined to give you anything without getting something for himself. The press has demonstrated for nearly three years running that they are not interested in treating him with respect, fairness, or any of the doe-eyed deference and admiration they gave to his predecessor.

And they are aghast that he would treat them with such contempt.

Pull the other one, it plays Jingle Bells.

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I Foresee Two Big Problems

1. Passing a simple background check appears to be a significant barrier between DUMBFUCK and sustained employment of any kind;

2. Does anyone really believe DUMBFUCK is capable of catching anyone to serve them?

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