26 thoughts on “I Think We’re Done Here”

    1. It kind of appears that Ol' Potato Head Schmalfeldt is sinking quietly back into the mire from which he sprang. I'll miss the laughs, but not his deplorable behavior.

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  1. Does that mean 'Mission Accomplished" in that you've driven Bill Schmalfeldt off the internet? One of your original demands as I recall...

    What are you going to do with the monkeys? Do they still dance? Can I have them? Do I need a background check? References?

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        1. Perhaps I could offer you POWER.

          I have email from a Nigerian prince I could forward you. Surely he knows lots of important people, and you could... Leverage that to your personal advantage.

          Want the contact? Give up the monkeys.

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        2. Hi Paul-

          I've been cool and very openly forthcoming in my desire to take your monkeys. Only the ones who dance, though- You keep the rest. And don't even think about substitutions! All monkeys will be checked against retina scans. I know who's who.

          You. You have been uncommunicative.

          I am not amused.

          I've offered money, firearms and access to one or more (the prince has a entire FAMILY! dammit, I shouldn't have to point simple shit out) powerful political celebrities who would enable you to POSSIBLY leverage yourself out of your currently miserable plebeian existence not to mention your trailer down by the river. Upgrade, dude. Hello? Anybody home? McFly?

          You have have 2.4 hours to respond to me publicly on this blog. No later than 2AM Eastern. You will document steps and timeline to hand over the monkeys or else. I'm not messing around. At minimum, discovery is going to be a bitch. Cross me and you'll lose not only the monkeys but also your house, your wife, your job and the houses/wives/jobs of anybody and everybody you know. Don't spread pain, Paul. I know exactly what my next steps are and, by God, don't think I won't execute those steps. And, yes, you better damned believe there's going to be a non-disclosure agreement at the end of all this.

          You'll be hearing from me tomorrow. Regardless. I've filed more than... Ummm... Well. If this doesn't work out I'll just go on with my life and live out the rest of my teens pursuing my one true love: AOC. She be smokin' and her demonstrated intelligence informs me that all I need to do is get in front of her so she can recognize the genius that I am.

          All the best to you and yours. Say hello to Janet Yellen, Dean Baquet and HilDar for me while you're swanning around your Georgetown book club tomorrow (yeah, right- I know good and damned well it's a cocktail party!).

          w

          ps- Don't try me, Bro. I'm serious.

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        3. Sigh. I'm going to be tied up over the next several days. So. I'm holding off serving you with a full-blown lawsuit FOR NOW. But here's just a little taste of what you're in for:

          Mr. w brings this complaint to recover damages inflicted by Defendant Paul Krendler for engaging in tortious conduct, including but not limited to (1) animal imprisonment, (2) false light invasion of privacy, (3) midnight light invasion of privacy, (4) twilight light invasion of privacy, (4) abuse of process with a blender, (5) malicious prosecution; well, not yet but I know Krendlers’ thinking about it, (6) obstruction of justice, (7) justifying obstruction, (8) unlawful interference with business relationships; I’m offering the monkeys a bonafide contractural relationship (no mention of movie rights), (9) conspiracy with Hillary Clinton to obstruct Mr. w, (10) intentional infliction of emotional distress, and (9) mopery with intent to be stupid by turning down Mr. w’s proposed deal(s).

          Sir, I hope you realize that I value our past relationships enough that I'm affording you this heads up.

          Now go and do the right thing. Do it for the children. Do it for the monkeys. Do it for your wallet, your reputation and the last dozen or so oil wells you're holding.

          Respectfully,

          w

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        4. Al right, all right! Take the damn monkeys!

          Stick with oranges and green vegetables for the most part. Bananas make them gassy and disagreeable.

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        5. Several have asked, and YES... The monkeys have arrived. Congenial chaps all, they're in good spirits and are eager to get settled in to their new environment. They especially like my pool.

          But. These guys are costing me money. I've been asked to buy a 80-inch flatscreen TV so they can watch 'Dancing With The Stars' next week. We'll be hitting Best Buy this weekend. And, per request, I'm having to build a separate facility which has a full-size basketball court, law library and jungle gym. The court will double as a (practice?) dance floor. Three of the monkeys have expressed a interest in golf lessons.

          Fortunately I have enough money to afford all this. Remember the Nigerian Prince I offered up to Paul? He came through and I'm now $24.7 million ahead. Yeah, yeah it was initially a scam but a little Danny Ocean work on my part and tables got flipped to my advantage. It pays to be a winner.

          Back to the monkeys- They're surprisingly tight-lipped regarding their time with Krendler although ALL indicate he's a splendid individual. No animosity; they love you man. Just won't talk about specifics of regarding sources, methods and all that. Apparently they're not afraid of being hauled in front of Congress. I myself put the monkeys' reticence regarding the Krendler operation to a healthy respect for OPSEC. I applaud their caution but also know that they'll come to understand that I too am one of the good guys and will be more forthcoming later.

          Paul, there will be no lawsuit. I was going to file Pro-Se (hell, how hard can that be?) because it wouldn't have cost me a dime; but now I'm not. Aw heck. I wasn't going to file anything. Just wanted you to respond.

          In the future, if you want the monkeys back and/or require their talents just let me know. I've checked and they all agree they'll go back to you in a heartbeat should need arise.

          Your obedient and unmedicated servant,

          w

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        1. AFAIK, Kyle is Spartacus. This week. 'Least that's what the schedule says. Have to admit, though, that I don't always get copied when you guys swap around.

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      1. Nope.

        His first clue will be his last clue.

        Because he’s an idiot, mostly.

        And, while Paul is wrapping it up, I will continue until Cousin Bill provides a grave to piss on...

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  2. Wow! I don't know what to say. (small,very small, in fact I think it's allergies, tear rolls down my cheek).

    It's been good, it's been fun.

    May the Force be with you, Live Long and Prosper.

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