Womp, Womp

Being wrong this often really should be punishable by law, or if not, it should be extraordinarily painful.


Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

6 thoughts on “Womp, Womp”

  1. Ear-worm for the DF


    1. “This weeks stories: Mueller Report leaves all sides unsatisfied. Congress split on impeachment. Southern border reaches crisis. And… Vanilla continues to outsell Strawberry? More evidence of racism in our amusement parks nationwide. All these stories, and more, on Meet The Press. But first, we sit down and talk with un-noted political pundit, Bill Schmalfeldt. Mr. Schmalfeldt is a failure at everything he’s ever attempted in life, has Democrat-party views which are as strong as they are superficial. He perfectly demonstrates the opinions and intelligence of your average Democrat voters. Welcome, Mr. Schmalfeldt, to Meet The Press.”

      “Ah, thank you Chuck.”

      “Mr. Schmalfeldt, what were the strongest points made in this weeks Mueller report? I assume you read all 400+ pages.”

      “Ah, well Chuck, I didn’t read the entire report. I broke my last crayon while underlining a critical point my PC screen was showing. But I know what the report says, that Trump is a giant poo-poo head.”

      “So you’re saying you sidelined your Macintosh?”

      “Yes. After he sold my vintage aircraft without asking permission. Plus he can't run Final Fantasy worth a damn.”

      “We’ll get back to your B-17 in a moment. But let’s talk about Trump. Reportedly, you’re on record as saying the Electoral College should be abolished in favor of the popular vote.”

      “Yes. The person with the most votes wins. Would save time and money while always producing the correct result.”

      “Wouldn’t that require amending the Constitution?”

      “Perhaps. We could amend the old parchment written hundreds of years ago by dead white racist males. And at the same time we could write in that ONLY democrats can win elections. No more Republicans as far as the eye can see. Now Chuck, amending the constitution is only one option. Alternatively, we just wait for the next democrat president to issue an executive order. Pen and phone, by golly; the ReThugLicans won’t say a word. They didn’t last time. And. We can further streamline the process by allowing only California and New York to vote.”

      “I see. Speaking of New York. They just outlawed paper bags. Is it true you have a paper bag with AOCs face painted on it? The eyes and mouth cut out on the bag?”

      “Yes. But I won’t be going to New York any time soon.”

      “Mr. Schmalfeldt, we contacted Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez’ office and they indicate you sent her a cub scout uniform. In her size. Including the little blue shorts. In her size.”

      “Yes. It’s all about branding. I want her to succeed and this is my way of updating her look to something more appealing. Plus the outfit came to her free. I know that’s something she understands.”

      “Moving on. Mr. Schmalfeldt, are you acquainted with Brett Kimberlin, The Speedway Bomber?”

      “Yes. He’s my most excellent friend.”

      “Do you talk with Mr. Kimberlin frequently?”

      “No. He hasn’t been returning my calls over the last several years.”

      “Didn’t Mr. Kimberlin bail out of your B-17 while you were making a attack run on the Whitehouse? Didn’t he leave you when you needed him most?”

      “Yes. But you have to understand. My plane was shot up. We were going down like, like… I can’t think of a good metaphor here.”

      “Mr. Schmalfeldt, as somebody who has created more than 200 online identities and been tossed out of multiple small market radio station jobs, as well as banned from multiple liberal internet forums you surely have the pulse of public opinion. Who do you see among the Democrat candidates you like?”

      “Great question. I like Bidens’ warmth and hands-on approaches. I like that Mayor Pete is deliciously young and gay. NTTAWWT. Senator Booker looks fantastic in his Spartacus outfit. Chuck, we missed you at last years DNC Halloween party. Senator Warren is the schoolmarm we all remember and love. Who better to harangue the country plus she’s going to write checks to everybody who’s non-white. Kama Sutra, I mean Senator Harris, is the kind of intellect you’d expect coming out of our greatest single-party state. Bernie would have the best campaign song: Back in the USSR. Dems have such a strong bench this year.”

      “I see. Not every Democrat has announced yet. Any dark horses out there we haven't heard from yet?”

      “Oh gosh yes! She, Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken, is the darkest of horses. Hasn’t announced yet but I hear she’s giving very careful consideration to running. Again. IF she obtains The One Ring you’ll know Hillary is a lock. She’ll get the Dem nomination and will go on to crush Trump like a stale cheetoh. Darkness will return to the land. More regulations, more taxes, a slower economy a la Obama and more control of your individual life. That’s not a bad thing because she’s smarter than you. And everybody else, too.”

      “Well, Mr. Schmalfeldt, thank you for your time this morning. We look forward to seeing you again as the election gets closer.”

      “Thank you, Mr. Todd.”

      “Next up: Crisis on the border. Stay tuned.”

      1. “Hey Chuck, good segment huh?”

        “Yep. That one’s solid.”

        “Ummm… I just now realized I forgot to mention that Beto is dreamy. I should have mentioned that. Critical point. Don’t know how it slipped me. Might have been the Parkinsons.”

        “No problem, Bill.. Beto IS dreamy. We’ll make that point in weeks and months to come. Over and over. And over.”

        “Cool. Very cool. Say- Do you know Cokie Roberts? Think you could introduce us?”

        “Yep. I know Cokie but she’s on a different network. I’m not THAT close to her.”

        “Oh. Ok. So. You want to go out for a drink after the show? Maybe something Top Shelf?”

        “Ah. Nah, man- Gotta’ get home. You know how it is with the bitchez’.”

        “ Yeah. I hear that. Next time.”

        “Next time, Bill. Be cool.”


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