(Author’s note: Please keep in mind that all great comedy springs from truth. With that in mind as you read the following parody, be assured that most of the circumstances that are described here – the set-ups, if not the actual punchlines – are grounded in true events. Or, if not precisely true events, then events that Bill (Schmalfeldt) Matthews has at one time or another described as true. But he’s a documented liar, so you never can tell…which is why we have the freedom to choose which version of his bullshit stories to believe; even HE can’t keep them straight!)
Welcome to my rest stop on the Information Superhighway.
(Dang, does anyone even still call it that?)
No, DUMBFUCK – it’s just the cybertubes now. Get with it.
This is a website where I have gathered much of the audio and verbal diarrhea Bill Schmalfeldt has pimped out into the public airwaves and online. Well, not all that much, actually. The Cub Scout Rape skits aren’t here. All the racist bits he wrote and performed – you won’t find those here either. The rambling rants against WJJ Hoge, Lee Stranahan, Aaron Walker, Knot My Wisconsin and all the other political enemies he has made, those aren’t here. If you know where to look, though you can find every second of every stupid, vile, perverted and profane podcast he’s ever recorded.
It’s an absolute testimony to stupidity, shortsightedness, and the lingering effects of same on present and future employment prospects. In other words, if you are a radio program director looking to hire Bill (Schmalfeldt) Matthews, you don’t have to dive too deep to find a very good reason to look elsewhere. He may look attractive because he’ll come cheap, but even for what you’ll pay, you’ll be disappointed. Especially in his ability to avoid the topics you tell him to avoid.
When he did his first radio show for pay at WJNC in Jacksonville, NC, most audio recordings were preserved on wax cylinders, not on MP3. It was an analog world. I guess he’s still a large analog guy, who will obviously need an expensive young producer to help him with all the newfangled equipment – if you need another good reason to run like hell in the opposite direction.
HE WAS ONE OF THE ORIGINAL XM SATELLITE RADIO PROGRAM DIRECTORS
Sad to say, he doesn’t have any audio to post here that goes back further than 2000, when it is rumored he still had a discernible neck. And hair.
He only has one clip from his days as the original program director for the On Broadway Channel, carefully edited to remove any of the unwanted political commentary that has plagued his entire career and actually got him fired from the channel where he was simply supposed to do an “air shift” playing show tunes. He couldn’t even get that right. When he got fired, he went to the fan forums and lied about it, telling people he had signed to do a nationally syndicated talk show which never actually materialized if you can believe it!
But those clips from XM are mixed with samples from a 2000 air check from WGUF, Naples, Florida, a 2004 air check from WHBL, Sheboygan, Wisconsin; and a 2017 air check from MAC 94.7 in Clinton, Iowa. You can listen to those by clicking this *broken* link, but why would you want to? The single bit from XM radio lasts about 4 seconds. It was recorded in 2002 and includes a snippet of an interview with Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees, to give you an idea of the type of A-list celebrities that came on his show. You can hear more of that interview, but only if you’re sufficiently motivated by the clip (or drunk) to hunt down the link yourself. Trust me when I say your effort will be wasted.
Have you noticed, looking at the years and the different stations where each of those air checks were recorded…
- WGUF in 2000
- XM Satellite in 2002
- WHBL in 2004
- MAC 94.7 in 2017
…that he never winds up staying long anywhere?
In 2005, he left the world of broadcast radio after getting tossed out on his ample and unwashed ass. Coincidentally, he was also tossed out of his marital home by his “soulmate” after a dalliance with a fan calling herself “Hell’s Kitchen Kate.” To get back in the soulmate’s good graces, he took the first job he could get, leveraging his status as a “disabled,” “Vietnam ERA” veteran (check out some essays about his history in the Navy here and here) to force the taxpayers to let him suck government tit, which he’s been doing ever since. From 2005 until 2011 he was a “writer-editor and podcaster” which consisted mostly of spending his days surfing the web, insulting and threatening to sue people online and violating the Hatch Act, if you believe the rumors.
His work for Uncle Sam brought him his fair share of awards.
One. It was the NIH Clinical Center Director’s Award for Remembering to Shower Every Day for a Week in Exchange for an Award.
It was made of plastic and given in lieu of a wage increase.
He left the Fed in 2011 after getting a horrible job review and pretending to have Parkinson’s disease. This little episode included him getting a dispensation to work from his palatial mobile home in Elkridge, Maryland, after deciding that he needed to stop driving and give up his driver’s license due to MUH PARKYS. Apparently, he couldn’t manage to stay off the internet at home, either, and they launched him to the curb just seconds before he decided to retire for the first time.
His soulmate fell for his
narcissistic sociopathy glib charm and took him back, of course. He enjoyed the layabout life of retirement, pretending to be helpless and suffering with Parkinson’s disease. He spent his daytime hours writing and podcasting for free, the same things he claimed to be too disabled to do for the federal which never fires anybody. Also, he fell in online with a convicted domestic terrorist and drug dealer named Brett Kimberlin and took up for him and his various online causes and failed lawfare. During the nights he went on endless Twitter rants while he waited for his soulmate to return from the truck stop.
Along the way, between 2013 and 2017, Bill (Schmalfeldt) Matthews filed eight federal lawsuits claiming copyright infringement, defamation, emotional distress, libel, virtual assrape and various other hurtfeels. All of these suits were dismissed before discovery, because there are many things Bill (Schmalfeldt) Matthews claims to know which he does not actually know.
If you are a radio executive thinking of hiring Bill (Schmalfeldt) Matthews, and you haven’t already changed your mind, keep that in mind.
Another thing to keep in mind is this: earlier this year a radio station in Denison, Iowa extended then rescinded a job offer and he threatened to sue them as well. He will tell you he only did this because the right-wing crazies penetrated sixteen layers of tinfoil and forced him to do it with their sooper sekrit signuhlz, but nope! It was all his idea.
Sadly, his soulmate died in 2015 while he was ranting on the internet, but it’s not a big deal, she was gonna die sometime and she was too delirious from nearly drowning in her own urine to know he was even there anyway. Two things happened very quickly. One, he got lonely because there was no one to wait on him hand and foot anymore, and two, his Parkinson’s disease magically got better!
At the time of her death, he had been involved in a lawsuit that he filed pro se against – among others – a retired attorney from Alaska. Hey, if you work in radio and Bill (Schmalfeldt) Matthews wants to work for you, this is a great example of his ability to make sound decisions and consider possible consequences.
If that sort of thing matters.
So in August of 2015 he dismissed that lawsuit, forever branding himself (in a legal sense) as a rapist, and moved from Maryland to Wisconsin.
He filed a couple more lawsuits that failed.
Remember back in 2010 when he stopped driving because of Parkinson’s? A progressive neurological disorder that never gets better?
Well. In 2016, he got a driver’s license. And bought himself a car.
You might think a guy with Parkinson’s so severe he stopped driving in 2010 doing something like this would be a public safety hazard. Or just a liar.
Then in January 2017 he moved to Iowa.
Then he got a job working at a local radio station.
Which he quit after a month.
He “quit.” After a month.
He decided he wanted to be retired again. After a month.
It was a total coincidence that his boss told him to quit talking politics on the air. After a month.
How long is the average probationary employment period, anyway? Is “a month” pretty common?
It was about this time he re-connected with some liberal harpy chick with whom he had been virtually cheating on his soulmate going back as far as 2013. By summer 2017 he was driving cross country from Iowa to South Carolina (alone, with Parkinson’s disease!) to hang out with her.
Whatever you do, DON’T think of an oversized, rabid, albino raccoon trying to make it with an uglier-than-normal hippopotamus in a bed full of half-eaten hotdogs, greasy potato chips, and the bent bottle caps from a twelve pack of Miller High Life.
Anyway, once the travel got to be too much (let’s face it – 1800 miles round trip is a long way to go to chase low quality tail like that), he moved to Myrtle Beach.
By the following June, after finding out his new lady love spends 10 hours gaming, 8 hours #RESISTING, 4 hours sleeping and 2 hours bitching about not getting enough sleep, he was tired of being retired.
Actually re-retired. If we’re keeping a tally.
He launched a NATIONWIDE search to get back on the air. It was not a matter of needing to work as his pension is good and his benefits are paid for. It was just a matter of needing to get out of the house and away from this crazy chick for even just a couple of hours a day. Wanting to work is just an excuse he uses to keep her from tossing him out on his ass, which is something he really ought to be used to by now.
So he jumped at the first opportunity to present itself, and he found himself at KGYN in Guymon, Oklahoma.
Except that wasn’t the first opportunity to present itself.
It wasn’t even the second.
There was a trip to El Paso in search of work that turned out to be nothing.
And another one to Albuquerque. Again, no joy.
Then he announced that he was making his way on the Big Dog to some forgotten armpit in North Dakota to join the frackers and edit a weekly penny saver or something.
Then he suddenly blew them off – because keeping your word matters! – and diverted to Denison, Iowa where he’d been offered a morning show slot.
However, that fell apart, too. They rescinded their offer, as I mentioned above. And oh, was he ANGRY!!! Because, don’t you know – keeping your word matters!
(Schmalfeldt) Matthews thinks the cause may have been one or more of his many online admirers getting wind of the news and reaching out to the station management with a suggestion to do a bit more due diligence. With links.
He threatened that station with a lawsuit, another thing to keep in mind if you are considering him for your team.
I don’t know if that’s what happened or not, but it passes the smell test. Especially given (Schmalfeldt) Matthews’ long and colorful history of calling various employers, trying to get fired every Tom, Dick and Harry who pisses him off by repeating his colorful online history.
But eventually (and very, very, quietly) he landed a gig in Oklahoma, where he served as morning host and temporary station manager.
During this time, he felt it was appropriate to steal the station’s content he had created and use it to create personal podcasts.
It was fun, he said, but around September 10th a permanent boss was hired and the fun seemed to tail off.
On September 14th, the new GM took the keys to the station’s Twitter account away from him, and at the same time, his personal Twitter page changed so all references to the station and his role as a host there vanished into the aether!
The name of his show changed from The Bill Mathews Show to Panhandle Sunrise. That must have been a kick in the pants.
If you look closely, there seems to be a reasonably consistent period of time after which Bill (Schmalfeldt) Matthews suddenly no longer enjoys being told what to do…and that period of time is:
So they took the keys from him on September 15th, and a month later on October 19th, he published a blog post entitled “Why I Quit My Day Job.” (safe archived link)
Long post short, his version was, as “a matter of conscience,” he could no longer enable the right-wing propaganda that was on the station when he chose to take the “first opportunity to present itself.”
In the immortal words of Popeye, “I’VE HAD ALL I CAN STANDS, AND I CAN’T STANDS NO MORE!”
(Which might actually be true if he actually had Parkinson’s Disease, oddly enough.)
It was time to enjoy retirement again.
My version: another month with a new boss, another trip to the curb, ass-first.
Back to South Carolina to live with his lady love’s sister, because hey, his pension is good and his benefits are paid for!
But for two autumns running, just as soon as the summer season ends, these lovebirds clear out of the basement to rent a tiny budget unit on the wrong side of the main drag of the Grand Strand at those sweet, SWEET off-season rates.
And now, a month into his blissful seaside retirement, he’s out looking for work again.
He’s not ready to spend the rest of his life just sitting around, listening to gamergrrrl screaming at the TV.
He’s looking for a life of one month work, three months looking for work.
So if you need that kind of aggravation, go ahead, reach out and set your life on fire.
It’ll be FUN!