Do Not Let This Man Adopt Animals

In 2015, he abandoned two dogs named Raven and Shiloh when he moved from Maryland to Wisconsin.

In 2017, after leaving his forever retirement home at the strong suggestion of NINJANUNS to relocate to Iowa, he acquired a cat named Boris and a dog named Jake. It is believed by many that they are now in a sack at the bottom of the Mississippi River along with a certain clockwork urn that didn’t make the trip to South Kackalacky and the Balloon Boy.

Speaking of Balloon Boy then there was Onyx (remember Onyx? It’s a song about Onyx…) the $1500 Show Cat.


That makes four…

Onyx was replaced by Monty the Collusion Cat, and made into one of the stupidest DOA Twitter bits that DUMBFUCK has ever conceived.

Monty was billed on the ill-fated Facebook page as the future producer-to-be for morning titan Bill Mathews of KGYN (why the name change? It’s not his town…they don’t know him there…and he’ll be very lucky if they never do).

But as has become the predictable outcome…Monty never reached his destination.

Now we have Thor and Loki.  No doubt these new animals (and why has scared, hiding-in-silence-under-the-porch puppy Bill Schmalfeldt developed such a recent affinity for pussies? Just Asking Questions™) were named by his insipid fiance Inflate-A-Boy (“Flnucnk YUBU, Kneumbner!!”) Kelly.

I’m sure we all remember the contents of her now-protected library of Deviant Art images, including some highly explicit examples of Asgardian incest pornography.  Clearly our pal Bill Mathews, the station manager and morning shock-jock at the Big Talker 1210-AM in Guymon approves of such filth…silence gives consent and all that.

But back to my point: that’s five abandoned animals in three years.  Who wants to bet Thor and Loki are gone by Christmas?

Someone clearly HATES changing the litter box.



Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

4 thoughts on “Do Not Let This Man Adopt Animals”

  1. It's so heartwarming when a lonely animal finds a forever home. Too bad that never actually happens anywhere in Blobbert's vicinity. Good luck, Loki and Thor! You're going to need it!

  2. There really really needs to be a national database of known animal abusers/abandoners for shelters to consult before letting a pet out for adoption.

  3. One of the amusing pieces of this is that this is the guy who somehow thought he could stir up outrage at me amongst my hard-core dog lover friends and associates.



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