As the Yeasty Beastie Says, “This Is Not That Hard”

Step 1 – decide you’ve had enough of sitting around all day watching the back of Y.B.’s head glued to video game screen, resolve to get a job.

Step 1A – keep your mouth shut about it on the internet. Because you are the type of person who likes to contact employers trying to get people fired.

Step 2 – reach out to old acquaintances in the journalism and radio biz, especially oldsters close to retirement who might not recall what a complete prick you are.

Step 2A – keep your mouth shut about it on the internet. Because you are the type of person who likes to contact employers trying to get people fired, and the internet knows this.

Step 3 – by some miraculous twist of fortune, actually get a job offer, perhaps at a small weekly newspaper in North Dakota.

Step 3A – keep your mouth shut about it on the internet. Because you are the type of person who likes to contact employers trying to get people fired, the internet knows this, and who knows? You might have pissed off someone enough that they decide to play a little tit-for-tat.

Step 4 – accept the offer in North Dakota and make plans to relocate.

Step 4A – keep your mouth shut about it on the internet. Because you are the type of person who likes to contact employers trying to get people fired, the internet knows this, and who knows? You might have pissed off someone enough that they decide to play a little tit-for-tat, and boyohboy is there a WHOLE LOT of archived information about you available online to share.

Step 5 – Head off to North Dakota on the Big Dog.

Step 5A – keep your mouth shut about it on the internet. Because you are the type of person who likes to contact employers trying to get people fired, the internet knows this, and who knows? You might have pissed off someone enough that they decide to play a little tit-for-tat, and boyohboy is there a WHOLE LOT of archived information about you available online to share, quite a bit of it put there by you.

Step 6 – by some ADDITIONAL miraculous twist of fortune, actually get another job offer, perhaps at a small radio station in West Central Iowa.

Step 6A – keep your mouth shut about it on the internet. Because you are the type of person who likes to contact employers trying to get people fired, the internet knows this, and who knows? You might have pissed off someone enough that they decide to play a little tit-for-tat, and boyohboy is there a WHOLE LOT of archived information about you available online to share, quite a bit of it put there by you. And all it takes is an email. Oh, and definitely don’t start a Twitter flame war with potential listeners before you even get to Iowa.

Step 7 – screw over the folks in North Dakota and change course for Iowa (if there ever really was a job in North Dakota, which is doubtful because LIAR).

Step 7A – keep your mouth shut about it on the internet. Because you are the type of person who likes to contact employers trying to get people fired, the internet knows this, and who knows? You might have pissed off someone enough that they decide to play a little tit-for-tat, and boyohboy is there a WHOLE LOT of archived information about you available online to share, quite a bit of it put there by you. And all it takes is an email or a phone call. Oh, and definitely don’t start a Twitter flame war with potential listeners before you even get to Iowa.

Step 8 – arrive in Iowa, ready to join the team!

Step 8A – keep your mouth shut about it on the internet. Because you are the type of person who likes to contact employers trying to get people fired, the internet knows this, and who knows? You might have pissed off someone enough that they decide to play a little tit-for-tat, and boyohboy is there a WHOLE LOT of archived information about you available online to share, quite a bit of it put there by you. And all it takes is an email or a phone call or a Tweet. Oh, and if you did fuck up and start a Twitter flame war with potential listeners before you even got to Iowa, figure out how you can blame that on someone else.

Step 9 – Start your fun new paid gig on the radio in West Central Iowa.

Step 9A – keep your mouth shut about it on the internet. Because you are the type of person who likes to contact employers trying to get people fired, the internet knows this, and who knows? You might have pissed off someone enough that they decide to play a little tit-for-tat, and boyohboy is there a WHOLE LOT of archived information about you available online to share, quite a bit of it put there by you. And all it takes is an email or a phone call or a Tweet or even a Facebook message. Oh, and if you did fuck up and start a Twitter flame war with potential listeners before you even got to Iowa, figure out how you can blame that on someone else.

Step 10 – put your head down and just work for about a month. Impress your bosses. Make yourself indispensable. Build up goodwill and job security.

Step 10A – keep your mouth shut about it on the internet. Because you are the type of person who likes to contact employers trying to get people fired, the internet knows this, and who knows? You might have pissed off someone enough that they decide to play a little tit-for-tat, and boyohboy is there a WHOLE LOT of archived information about you available online to share, quite a bit of it put there by you. And all it takes is an email or a phone call or a Tweet or even a Facebook message. Oh, and if you did fuck up and start a Twitter flame war with potential listeners before you even got to Iowa, figure out how you can blame that on someone else.

Step 11 – Now that you are somewhat established in your new job, if you feel you must brag and rub the noses of your betters in the fact that you have managed to get a shitty little job at a shitty little radio station in a shitty little town, and you are ABSOLUTELY certain that no one who matters will ever get wind of it (if you think that, you are wrong…just sayin’), then by all means, go trumpet all over Twitter how awesome you are.

Step 11A – get fired anyway. Because you are the type of person who likes to contact employers trying to get people fired, the internet knows this, and you have surely pissed off someone (more likely several someones) to a sufficient degree that they decide to play a little tit-for-tat and share some of your despicable internet history of harassment and fan interaction with your employer. All it takes is an email or a phone call or a Tweet or even a Facebook message.

Step 12 – Sue somebody in forma pauperis in the wrong jurisdiction while failing to state a claim for which relief can be granted, only to have it ended by a defendant’ motion to dismiss. Because that’s how the story always ends.

Because you’re a DUMBFUCK gobshite who can’t keep your cockholster shut on the internet even when doing so is in your best interests.

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

8 thoughts on “As the Yeasty Beastie Says, “This Is Not That Hard””

  1. This is way too long. You lost DUMBFUCK at the top of Step 1A. There are certain things he simply cannot do. SHUT UP is one of the primary ones.

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  2. Shouldn't 1 be, realize that sweet sweet disability SS just doesn't go far enough to buy a new Scooty-Puff, let alone dental, so I need to get a job.

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  3. "and you have surely pissed off someone (more likely several someones) to a sufficient degree that they decide to play a little tit-for-tat"

    Why is everyone looking at me?

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