#Resistance Diet

I recall this coming from an old advice column (either Dear Abby or Ask Ann Landers, I don’t remember which), but considering the toll that Year One of Trump has obviously taken on the #ResistWeMuch movement, I thought this “Stress Diet” ought to be renamed the “#Resistance Diet” and shared anew:

#RESISTANCE DIET

BREAKFAST

1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat bread
8 oz. skim milk

LUNCH

4 oz. broiled chicken breast
1 C steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie
1 C herbal tea

MIDAFTERNOON SNACK

Rest of the package of Oreos
1 qt Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge
1 can of whipped cream

DINNER

2 loaves garlic bread
1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
2 bottles of wine
3 large candy bars
1 frozen cheesecake eaten directly from the open freezer, without utensils

#RESISTANCE DIET TIPS

  1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they will cancel each other out everywhere except your rotting maw, which is going to get fixed. Any day now.
  3. Calories don’t count if you eat with someone else, as long as you both eat the same amount.
  4. Food taken for medicinal purposes does not count. This includes hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Johnnie Walker (any color), Sara Lee chocolate cake, Baker’s Square pie and and milkshakes where bananas might be in the same room as the blender.
  5. If you hang around people fatter than you, you will look thinner.
  6. Snacks consumed during movies do not count because they are part of the entertainment experience. These include Milk Duds, Goobers, Raisinets, Junior Mints, Gummi Bears, popcorn with butter, Twizzlers, Skittles and M&Ms.
  7. Broken cookies contain no calories because all the calories have escaped.
  8. All the calories in a bag of chocolate chips are contained in a single morsel, so find that one and throw it away before starting. Don’t just set it aside. Remember, all your energy for #resisting should be dedicated to Trump, not Temptation.
  9. Late night snacks are also calorie free. The light from the refrigerator is not strong enough for the calories to find their way into the calorie counter. However, do be wary of turning on other lights in the kitchen.

#CandylandResists!!

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

7 thoughts on “#Resistance Diet”

  1. That's damn funny. I need to up my game. After I re-evauate my life I'll get back to you shortly.

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  2. If you smoke pot in a tincasa with the one kid who will have anything to do with you (but only because he had to because you lived there at the time) anything you eat afterwards has no calories.

    If a gift of horse poop causes you to fall on your head...oh hell, you can't remember what you ate anyway.

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  3. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    Your progressives in Congress caved, fat boi!!!

    Suck failure, freak.

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