Top Of the Line Product, DUMBFUCK!

Guess what I just pulled out of my ass?

Well…at first glance…maybe…

Give it a second look, and not so much…

What is it, ten years old? Fifteen?  Nothing close to “new” in any case. Looks like you picked it up at Goodwill for maybe $20.  Apparently, no reputable physician (or physician’s assistant) is going to prescribe a Lardwagon for someone so crippled by Parkinson’s disease. That’s…weird.

Those tiny little wheels.  A stiff ocean breeze is going to knock this Beetusbarrow right over, even with 290 lbs of ballast.

Speaking of wheels and ballast, is it just me or is the front wheel about an inch off the ground, ya fat fuck? I’ll bet you have to get your weight up over your knees to be able to steer the thing, to say nothing of relieving the burden on the back wheels to get any traction.

I’d love to see video of you taking it off the boardwalk and onto the beach. It will quit within six inches of the rear wheels hitting sand, and it will only get that far because of momentum.

The seat isn’t nearly wide enough for your greasy ass. We already know what are horrible driver you are – one little curb rub (you’re famous for that) and you’ll be on the sidewalk sure as hell.

Is your balloon Dianimal sturdy enough to tip it back upright? Can she get you up off the ground? Or do the lifeguards call the Beached Whale Patrol?

Better stock up on gauze and Bactine – I see a lot of road rash in your future.

On the plus side, you can easily fit four 750ml bottles of Johnnie Walker Red in that basket, so good for you!  Looks like you’ll need a pretty long straw to reach it, though.

I see you claim to enjoy an occasional top shelf scotch – I don’t think that’s something a poopsniffing pauperis pro-se prosecutor should be proudly proclaiming in his profile.  Probably (provably) premature.

But then…


Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

42 thoughts on “Top Of the Line Product, DUMBFUCK!”

  1. Alas, poor Scooty-Puff V1.0, we knew you well. All hail Beetuswagon!

    I'm guessing there won't be a VROOM, VROOM!!!! video on this one, eh? Tragic.

      1. A guy with Parkinson's disease, who has trouble even sitting in a chair without falling over and getting a floor burn on his head, gets a battery powered scooter he can drive?

        What happens when he leans over 10 degrees?

        Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't we back to the "I can't drive" phase of this downward spiral of Parkinson's?

  2. Who has the pool set up on when that thing will break down, because he is definitely over it's weight limit.

    Put me down for 1 week.

    And 2 day before he ruptures those solid tires.

      1. Nah, not atrophy. He looks like how my dad used to look. My dad who rode his bicycle to work every single day but was overweight. Skinny legs, large upper body and neck. Until he took his health into his own hands and lost his gut and his neck with strict portion control. Now everything matches.

        Amazing how that works, innit?

    1. Jane, please clarify: were you referring to "beard" as in "facial hair" or "beard" as in "Tom Cruise's girlfriend?"

      Or is it possible you meant both? Because while his beard obviously needs a shave, his beard's beard probably needs one even more.

      Frankly, if you are referring to the discoloration in the beard's beard, that's probably tobacco juice slipping out between those bee-yoo-tee-full teefers.

  3. He's claiming that he can't walk more than a block, slowly, before his body wants to shut down. Which was pretty much what he was claiming was the case all those years ago back in Maryland, before his wife died and he had to take care of himself, when he could suddenly take train trips all by himself, and buy a car, and drive (although he had told everyone his disease had progressed to the point where he'd never be able to drive again years earlier), and live in houses with stair cases, and everything, just like a normal person of his age.

    And he wonders why folks don't believe him?

    1. Miracle recoveries have expiration dates? IDK. But yeah, credibility is right out the winder. As ever.

  4. Couldn't he afford to buy a used scooter that was adult sized? The gofundme drive not pull in the big bucks as expected from your internet radio audience? Anything from the fans of your over years of investigative journalism? Did the bunnyboy or wee willy not able to chip in a buck or two from their thriving career earnings? Brett couldn't find it in his black little heart to send some of that offshore cash your way? No family contributions? The blind guy on the corner with a tin cup not help out?

    Just kicking back enjoying your success at life,and riding that Beetusmobile (It's red ...putt putt putt) to cash the welfare checks.


      Why indeed doesn't Brett 'The Speedway Bomber' Kimberlin help out 'his most excellent friend.' Yeah, yeah I know the phrase belongs to Bill but, Reciprocity man-


    You want to explain how someone who follows the tenants of Torah and the Jewish faith is a "neo Nazi?"

    I'll wait.

    So it basically comes down to anyone saying something that gives you butthurt or you don't agree with is a Nazi.

    Got it.

    I wonder how all your whining about how put upon you are plays with your lefty travelers when we post your own internet bilge, calling women "cunts" and "twats?" Making fun of disabled children? How about your infamous DailyKos anal rape dairies that got you banned from that liberal cesspool?

    Awww... me treating your inflataskank like you treat others give you the sadz, pussboy?

    Tough. I fucking double dog dare you to do anything about it, you impotent worthless fatass fuck.

    Fuck you... and that nasty azz inflatable snaggletooth truck stop ho who rode in on you.

    1. It is pretty unbelievable that Cabin Boy thinks that reposting others' mockery of him and detailed explanations of why they believe him to be a liar is to his benefit.

      And their attempt to pretend that they have deep thoughts on any political issue is worthy of great mockery.

      1. I wouldn't take their advice on how not to brush their teeth....

        ... and they seem to have that down pat pretty well.

  6. So... according to the idiot... that gap on his chin is natural.


    You must have worn a hairless grove on your chin, racist fatass... what with all the ballsacks bouncing off of it.


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