What a Wondrous Place, America!

I hear tell of places, places most true patriots have never seen and never will, in the dark, forbidding rural landscapes of this great nation.  Places that smell of diesel fuel and pigshit, lemon shake-ups and funnel cakes covered in mountains of powdered sugar.  Deep fried Oreo cookies, machine oil, hot and greasy, and the vomit of children, rich with popcorn and undigested hot dog pieces.

And the sounds!  Midway machines and carnival barkers, demolition derbies and talent competitions.  The talent competitions!

Some of these places feature contests where women – women with voices like the sweetest of nightingales – can showcase their talents for the chance at fabulous prizes and eternal glory!

Like(7)Dislike(0)

Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

16 thoughts on “What a Wondrous Place, America!”

  1. Most child pornographers remember the warnings that prison can be a rough place.

    Like(7)Dislike(0)
    1. Some people confuse Karaoke with hog mating calls. Question, if you get a whale with a hog call, is that a good day? Asking for a friend.

      Like(8)Dislike(0)
  2. Dirty schnitzel can cause one to fart hog calls, the South Carolina spotted swine females are particularly vulnerable to those

    Like(9)Dislike(0)
  3. Then there was the time when a red headed hog managed to attract a nut shuffling hog. Or was it the other way 'round.

    Like(5)Dislike(0)
    1. IT'S ME! IT'S ME! IT'S ME!

      I WON I WON I WON!!! ELEVENTY!!!!

      Thank you! Thank you all very much! You like me! You really like me!

      First of all, I'd like to thank The Academy. All the lickspittles, all the zombies, all the litigants, all the monkeys, all the judges and their clerks too. Thank you one and all.

      I poured my soul in to this pick. And I poured my wallet into the Trifecta: (1) Truthatory vanishes, (2) Soulmate 4.0 abandons the losing cause and (3) Springtime jail in Maryland; Mel Brooks is working on lyrics now. Finishes for the last two TBD but the bell tolls as we speak.

      And... If my sources are right... Judge Hecker will be speaking even before the bells. Maybe even with bells on (we can only hope). The Dude has a light-hearted, almost wackey, sense of humor you haven't seen unless you've put a couple of martinis in to him. Been there done that and, yes, I've got the robes to prove it.

      I also want to thank Krendler's dancing monkeys; especially the third one from the left: Theodore Maximus Jones. They're the ones who told me to pick May 26th. Inside information? Don't know and don't care. Come and get me SEC assholes! Just try it! It will be up to YOU, The Feds, to explain to a jury the monkeys insightfulness. ESPECIALLY after James Comey already gave them a pass last year, "No prosecutor would have brought charges against these monkeys. Look at how cute they are and how well they execute particularly intricate footwork." Yeah, if that's not immunization I don't know what is-

      And don't go screaming to me about The Russians, either. There's no there, there- I won fair and square. AEIOU and sometimes Y. Rule of law am LAW in Trumps' America.

      We're going to be rich, Boss... Right? Indeed we are. I see a Gulfstream V in my future. No more sharing rides with Limbaugh or Tiger.

      So. Cousin Roy. If you would, please run this string, "2849593450-lkj-12654909==!27394656018aacclrouyt" through your one-time crypto-pad. That will provide the hash value you enter into your secret decoder ring. For the ring, "938475324085020-20394572-ONYX" will decode to my Swiss bank account number. Use salt. Deposit funds accordingly.

      Thanks again to all. I know you rejoice in my sharpestry and good fortune.

      w

      Like(17)Dislike(0)
        1. Done and done.

          Mucho thanks (a little mis-appropriated Mexican-lingo, there- sue me. oh, wait-)

          Like(0)Dislike(0)
  4. In my experience the best way to call the hogs was to put hog food in a can and rattle it.

    Like(3)Dislike(0)
  5. I've read that the International Olympic Committee is seriously considering adding several 'Voice Competitions' to the 2020 and 2024 Olympic Games.

    Like(3)Dislike(0)
  6. What does a nice voice have to do with winning a bukkakaraoke contest, anyway? It's really all about stage presence and commitment to the performance, right?

    Like(5)Dislike(0)
  7. My heart is heavy. I spent many years observing this contest while living in North Carolina

    http://www.wral.com/national-hollerin-contest-to-end-after-47-years/15776272/

    Like(1)Dislike(0)
    1. Wow! What wouldn't a woman give to be the VERY LAST WINNER of that?

      Like(1)Dislike(0)

Comments are closed.