I hear tell of places, places most true patriots have never seen and never will, in the dark, forbidding rural landscapes of this great nation. Places that smell of diesel fuel and pigshit, lemon shake-ups and funnel cakes covered in mountains of powdered sugar. Deep fried Oreo cookies, machine oil, hot and greasy, and the vomit of children, rich with popcorn and undigested hot dog pieces.
And the sounds! Midway machines and carnival barkers, demolition derbies and talent competitions. The talent competitions!
Some of these places feature contests where women – women with voices like the sweetest of nightingales – can showcase their talents for the chance at fabulous prizes and eternal glory!