The Following Reenactment Is A Dramatization

Fade In:

A RESIDENTIAL STREET. DAYLIGHT.

A POLICE CAR PULLS TO A STOP. AN OFFICER GETS OUT AND WALKS TO THE FRONT DOOR OF A HOUSE. THE DOOR OPENS AND A MANNISH-LOOKING PERSON WEARING RED CURTAINS STEPS OUT ONTO THE PORCH.

OFFICER

Mr. Parkinson?

PARKINSON

Call me Bobber.

OFFICER

I’m Officer Linguiani. You called in a report of vandalism?

PARKINSON

That’s right. I noticed it this morning. It’s right out here.

Parkinson leads Linguiani to the “scene of the CRAHM.”  

OFFICER

Well?

PARKINSON

Well what?

OFFICER

What’s been vandalized?

PARKINSON

Isn’t it obvious?

Parkinson points.

OFFICER

No, sir, I don’t see anything.

Parkinson points again, moving closer.

PARKINSON

It’s right there!

OFFICER

Sorry. Still don’t see it.  Why don’t you just tell me what happened?

PARKINSON
(looking around)

I can’t.

OFFICER

Why not?

PARKINSON

Because then the Zombie Stalkers will find me!

OFFICER

Ah, I see.  Have you taken your medications this morning, Mr. Parkinson?

PARKINSON

I don’t have any medications.

OFFICER

Well, I’m afraid I-

Parkinson leans in to whisper in Linguiani’s ear.

OFFICER

Oh! I see! Let me take a closer look.

Linguiani leans down to look closely at whatever it is that has been vandalized. He is clearly patronizing Parkinson.

OFFICER

Okay. So you’re saying someone took a –

PARKINSON

SHH! Shh-shh-shh! They’ll hear you!

OFFICER

Who?

PARKINSON

The Zombie Stalkers!

OFFICER

Oh, right. The Zombie Stalkers.

PARKINSON

They’re waiting for me.

OFFICER

Are they looking for you?

PARKINSON

Every single night! They’re driving me insane.

OFFICER

The men inside your brain?

Parkinson looks around carefully, then nods a little too enthusiastically.

PARKINSON

They left footprints.

OFFICER

Did they? Let’s have a look.

He looks at the ground, where he sees deep but indistinct footprints in the wet grass. He wrinkles his nose as if rain might not be the only reason the ground is wet.

OFFICER

Not much to go on here. I can tell they were made by an enormously fat person, but there’s no way to tell what kind of shoes he might have worn.  What size shoes are you wearing Mr. Parkinson?

PARKINSON

My shoes? What? Uh…size…7 and a half, I think.

OFFICER

Small feet for such a large man.  I’m wearing 11’s myself, and these prints are bigger than that. 7 and a half? Are you sure?

PARKINSON

Positive. I see fingerprints, too. Right there on the…thing.

OFFICER

So there are.

Linguiani looks closely.

OFFICER

I don’t know, these look smudged.  You didn’t touch these, did you?

PARKINSON

No! Well…maybe. A little. But just around the edges. There still usable, though, right?

OFFICER

You watch a lot of TV, don’t you, Mr. Parkinson?

PARKINSON

How did you know?

OFFICER

I’m a trained observer.

PARKINSON

Impressive.

OFFICER

Say, you wouldn’t have any idea who might have wanted to-

PARKINSON

Shh! Zombie Stalkers! They’re everywhere.

Linguiani takes a very small step backwards from Parkinson.

OFFICER
(slowly)

Everywhere, right.

PARKINSON

But the answer is yes. I know exactly who did it – Paul Brady, aka Pete Candler!

OFFICER

Who is that?

PARKINSON

A guy who had a restraining order against me for most of the last two years.

OFFICER
(taking another small step backwards)

I see. And why did he have a restraining order?

PARKINSON

He said it was because I called his office to try to get him fired in 2014, but that’s a lie. I only threatened to.  It wasn’t until 2016 after the order was in effect that I actually made the call.

Linguiani steps back once more, slowly unsnapping the holster of his weapon. Parkinson takes a step toward him.

PARKINSON

Hey, why’d you do that?

OFFICER

Do what?
(looks down at his holster)

Oh! That. Nervous tic. Sorry.

He buckles it again, shuffling toward his patrol car. Parkinson keeps pace.

PARKINSON

So don’t you want his address?  What about the mastermind, WJJ Hoggy? I can tell you all about him, too!

Linguiani reaches the patrol car and puts it between himself and Parkinson.

OFFICER

Okay, Mr. Parkinson. Here’s what will happen next. I’ll go up to the station and write this up. It will go to a detective and he’ll probably come out with a full forensic team to sweep your-

Parkinson gives Linguiani a harsh look and opens his mouth to speak.

OFFICER

–crime scene for evidence. Probably that will happen when you’re not home. Based on what he finds from the forensics, and don’t be surprised if it takes a few months for that to come back, he’ll take the case to the state’s attorney, who will decide if it makes sense to prosecute.  Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

Linguiani dives in the patrol car, hits the lights and sirens, and drives off at top speed.

PARKINSON

Yessss! I have you now, BradyCandler!

Fade Out:

THE END

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

19 thoughts on “The Following Reenactment Is A Dramatization”

    1. They say a good screenwriter leaves the camera angles to the director.

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  1. You need to quit you day job and start writing fiction to sell on Amazon.

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  2. PARKINSON

    "The zombie stalkers say that I'm a child pornographer, but I'm probably not. I like to make that clear to the first law enforcement officer I meet in a new state!"

    OFFICER

    ......

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  3. With apologies to Eric Flint and Richard Roach from "Forward the Mage".

    WARNING: Studies by pettifogging government agencies and alarmist environmental fanatics have indicated that pleather hide is toxic to the health of some people. Further study, however, by sober and reputable industrial scientists has shown that such people are not worth a damn and would be better off dead anyway. Symptoms may include the onset of bad nerves, pox, palsy, jitters, quivers, tremors, convulsions, paroxysms, fevers, the staggers, the jerks, shortness of breath, frequent and uncontrolled excretion, irregularities of the pulse, lockjaw, ague, fidgets, timorousness and a general feeling of social inferiority, these, of course, the classic symptoms of that most dread of nervous conditions, hysteria follicularia. Use at your own risk.

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  4. ADMINISTRATIVE CONTACTS:
    Police Chief Chief Kevin Gyrion kevingyrion@gapa911.us 563-243-1455
    Special Operation Commander Capt. William Greenwalt williamgreenwalt@gapa911.us 563-243-1455
    Investigations Commander Capt. Thomas Bohle thomasbohle@gapa911.us 563-243-1457
    Patrol Operations Commander Capt. Steven Kopp stevenkopp@gapa911.us 563-243-1455

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    1. one wonders if Shakes bothered to inform the police taking his report that the person he claims caused the vandalism is the same person he claimed to be not that long ago?

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      1. And I'm sure he didn't bother to mention that the reason he's after PG is because he's claiming that PG is PK, and of course we all know that he's signed legal documents stating that he himself is PK.

        If that wouldn't get him a 5150.....

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