The Schmalfeldt Method™ of Internet Badassery

First, make sure you’re well stocked on vinegar.  You’re going to need it to douche the yeasty sand out of your pussy.

Second, keep a bag packed for your next post-eviction interstate getaway.  Maybe try north to Minnesota next; it’s a reliably blue state just like Wiscon- oops.

Grab the Johnnie Walker Red and pour yourself a glass of liquid courage.

No.  Bigger glass.

Bigger.  No matter who the target is, you’ll be punching up.

On second thought, maybe just IV the bottle.

Choose your target carefully.  Remember you’ll be punching way up in class (it’s a safe assumption if you’re following the Schmalfeldt Method), so make sure your objective is someone who, when you strike at them, you might be able to reach the sole of their shoe.

If they step off a curb…

And fall into the open sewer where you dwell.

If stalking three year olds makes you feel tough…

If photoshopping someone’s wife onto a giant penis suits your milieu

If calling women cunts, twats, loose coozes, and such makes you feel better about your late wife’s legacy…

If waging a four year battle against a man who called you “some bozo” as you defended a drug dealing, document forging, perjuring, domestic terrorist pedophile is your raison d’être…

Then lace up the golf cleats and drop trou.

Wait until Hogewash! serves up the Team Kimberlin Post of the Day at midnight-ish Eastern time.

Tweet evil things at people who likely are fast asleep because they’re not obsessed stalkers like you.

Ignore anybody who responds, but also block them, you Internet Badass, you.

Then pass out drunk wherever you are. Aunt Edna won’t mind. She loves cleaning up vomit and bowel tragedies.

Get up the next afternoon around 4:00, feed the hangover some coffee from the Red Keurig (and a little hair of the dog from fresh stock), and do it all over again.

Don’t ever surrender, because that would be humiliating.

Not any more humiliating than filing and losing lawsuit after lawsuit after lawsuit after lawsuit after lawsuit after lawsuit after lawsuit…

Not any more humiliating than losing blog after blog after blog after blog…

Not any more humiliating than having nearly one hundred Twitter accounts permanently suspended…

Not any more humiliating than abandoning nearly a hundred more…

Not any more humiliating than cycling through God knows how many rebranded (yet still pointless and stupid) podcasts…

Not any more humiliating than self-publishing yet another Ctrl-C/Ctrl-V masturbation fantasy destined to be yanked off (pun intended) the shelves due to yet another copyright violation…

Let’s face it – if abject humiliation on an ongoing, accelerating schedule is the mayo on your footlong…

The Schmalfeldt Method™ of Internet Badassery is for you!

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

14 thoughts on “The Schmalfeldt Method™ of Internet Badassery”

  1. The Bowel Tragedies were the Velvet Underground of garage rock. They didn't sell a lot of records, but everyone who bought one started a band.

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    1. Didn't the Bowel Tragedies open for Cheap Trick in 81? I think I caught that show in Denver.

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  2. Hey, No Neck Dumbfuck...

    As Guns and Roses so eloquently sang...

    "Step in the ring, motherfucker."

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    1. He's tried like 7 times. And every time the Judge throws him out for being a stupid jackass. Hell, even his own welfare lawyer tossed his ass out.

      Come to think of it there is one ring he is still in. Oh, he's been fighting like hell to get out but he can't seem to out lawyer John Hoge.

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      1. The only ring I can think that Sir Shit Stain is in, is the the one around his toilet

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  3. Savor the thought that soon we shall enjoy the spectacle of Aunt Edna kicking his ass out of his little niche. Imagine the moanings and attempted belittlings of Auntie Edna that will result. There may even be Feldtcharts.

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  4. First, make sure you’re well stocked on vinegar. You’re going to need it to douche the yeasty sand out of your pussy.

    Preferably pre-filled into a gasoline-powered pressure washer. That shit's packed in there tight!

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  5. BOOM!! That fat motherfucker is the most disgusting and vile person on this Earth. He deserves every negative thing that comes into his life. Reep=Sew

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