Ladies, If You Were Forced To Choose…

…and DEATH IS NOT AN OPTION – which of the following sample dating profiles would leave you more likely to swipe right, all other things being equal?

Profile A:

Retired widower, 61.  Politics and political activism energizes me.  Proudly bald!  I’m looking for someone to spend quality time with, sharing the many sights and cultural experiences that Milwaukee has to offer.

Profile B:

I am an angry, bitter 61 year old widower with no real friends.  Everyone laughs at me online and calls me an idiot.  I was supposed to die first, but my soulmate left me on June 17, 2015.  I have Parkinson’s disease, but the trembling and drooling is still ahead of me, thank God, and what woman wouldn’t want to be a part of that in her golden years? Also I am extremely short for my weight (I should be eleven feet four inches tall).  Strangely, for being built so low to the ground I have terrible balance, even after replacing my walker with a cane.  I used to not be able to drive but my progressive neurological disorder has gotten so much better since moving to Wisconsin that I can miraculously drive again!  My back teeth are going to start falling out any day now, but the front ones aren’t as green as they used to be. On the plus side, I usually clean up after myself when I miss the toilet and sometimes I remember to wash my hands. My progressive political leanings are almost close to being within shouting distance of not radically extreme…for Wisconsin.  I think anal rape and sexual abuse of Cub Scouts is the pinnacle of sophisticated humor.

While both may technically be true, I think Profile B eliminates a lot of the mystery and enchantment of getting to know someone.  Your mileage may vary, though.  Let’s hear your thoughts!


Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

12 thoughts on “Ladies, If You Were Forced To Choose…”

  1. Rule 5 wife just stated unequivocally...

    He should just accept being single for the rest of his life.

    I asked her to clarify if anything might change his prospects. After a few minutes of thinking, she said, "His chances may improve if he has Trump like wealth. And no prenup."

    She has spoken. He's going to die alone in Wisconsin.

  2. Too bad we can't add the truth about pedo stalker Bill Schmalfeldt to the LiberalLad profile- comments on OurTime.

  3. It would be totally ironic if some "woman" answered KB's ad and he actually agreed to hook-up with "her"

    The ironic part would be that there are some people out there crazier than KB, and if he hooked up with a crazier person than himself, and that crazy "woman" happen to be a 60 year old male that like to smell shit, pee on children, has a DEATH KITTEH and likes to kill and carve up their hook ups, well that would be ironic.

  4. I tried and tried to look at both as if I didn't know it was DF. I can't. I have to quit the game, as I choose death....
    Roy, meaning no disrespect, but I don't think your cousin cares as long as the woman is almost alive.

    Mostly alive? almost alive? not sure which is the most correct,


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