PLEASE HELP, I AM DESPERATE!!

Dear Just Anne Sir,

This may be a dumb thing to ask, but please give big large solve in small short words so I get it good. I may not be a genius but I can fake it, more or less. To be big dumb pest is crime in MD. To be one who stalks is too. And in MA. AZ too. And IL. So is in MA. A peace order (some states call it big word like “restraining” but I do not know that big long word) can be give to man who not stop call on phone or send mail when people I stalk ask me nice.  When judge give me peace orders (nine so far), I have to stop mail, stop phone, stop follow, stop scare. I hate it. But it’s not like crime, is more like a smack on my nose with a sock full of dimes. I won’t go to jail if I don’t bug them. And if I do bug them, I still might not go to pound-me-in-the-ass jail. So I’m not a jail bird (yet). Is it fair for the folks I stalk to call me this big phrase I don’t know what it means: “A Jew Dick Ate Head Stall Cur?” Or is that false to say since I was not found to be having guilt of a real crime? Can I sue this dumb bunch of poop heads and get the court to make them stop give me hurt in my butt, and give me big piles of cash for butt hurt cream and a big screen TV too?

Signed,

Harry Splitter


Dear Bill,

Did you know that here at Just Answer, there is a back room contributor’s forum where we can post the stupidest questions we receive and laugh at the people who submit them? It’s nationwide, so it doesn’t matter if you post from Maryland, Wisconsin, California or anywhere else, we always figure out it’s you.  We even have monthly awards for the stupidest question. It’s only October 3rd and I already won the $200 pot. Thanks, man!

You are the most popular topic in the forums, with the possible exception of some crazy lesbian who just relocated from Oregon to California. You guys run neck-and-neck, which is actually a poor figure of speech in this case, because I‘ve seen pictures of each of you and there’s barely one neck to split between you both.

But we still do sort of have a responsibility to give these stupid goddamn questions some actual attention and thought, so…

Do you have a case for butthurt? No, and you never will. First, it’s not a tort.  That is an insurmountable obstacle.  Second, people are always going to call you names.That’s partly because you are an idiot, but mostly because you are a grandiose narcissist with skin thinner than an Amish phone book and you ALWAYS react to it, even if it is just to come here trying to hatch another stupid and pointless plan to file a lawsuit. Until you learn not to react to people making fun of you (and as near as I can tell, EVERYONE does whether you perceive it or not), you’re going to be a miserable fuck. You can still file a lawsuit, but you’ll lose before it ever gets inside a courtroom. I notice that you always have in the past.

I know this is supposed to be a site for LEGAL ADVICE, but let me step out from under my “almost an employable lawyer” hat and give you a bit of real advice.

These people cannot bother you if you stop visiting their sites ten times a day (which is frankly very damn stalkerish). They can’t hurt your butt if you shut off your computer. You need to throw away all your electronics and get a library card.  Given the quality of your writing, I suggest you start with Dr. Seuss, work your way up to Amelia Bedelia, then on to Henry Huggins and Encyclopedia Brown.  If you work hard at it, you might be ready for the first Harry Potter book by Christmas of 2017.

I grievously apologize for inserting voluminous quantities of multisyllabic vocabulary. You probably can’t understand but every seventh word or thereabouts, but actually, the average American knows almost every word I’ve used, or they know how to use a dictionary.  And if you don’t, well…the path to inner peace begins with four words: NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM.

Good luck, DUMBFUCK.

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

One thought on “PLEASE HELP, I AM DESPERATE!!”

  1. Now that advice is worth all of the thousands of dollars, and thousands of hours self-humiliating and self-described Happy My Wife Died woo hoo TheMerryWidower has spent on always-doomed-to FAIL suits.

    Lucky for those who enjoy the PLM, the blathering buffoon is much too stooooopid to follow it. And dementia-addled, which has the added bonus of the grotesque ghoul promptly forgetting, then replacing with something more to its repulsive liking.

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