Nobody Pays Attention To Me Stalking Them!

THE FOLLOWING IS A PARODY.  BITE ME.

There seems to be a great deal of pointage, laughery and mockification out there in all corners about my pending lawsuit to be dismissed in the US District court for the Northern District of Illinois.  People who haven’t (and won’t) even be named as defendants are writing blog posts pointing out my misunderstandings of the law, the fact that I do not know which rules are controlling in the jurisdiction, and that I still haven’t read the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure past a point where I see something I like.  They are also pointing out that I STILL DON’T GET that once a suit is dismissed with prejudice, any allegation that was made OR THAT COULD HAVE BEEN MADE in that lawsuit is now barred by res judicata.  My current FAILSUIT against Grady is loaded with false allegations against Grady that I cannot prove, and therefore will not be litigated at all.

Any party in the case of Schmalfeldt v (don’t forget the GS-13 Oxford comma!), Grady et al, in the U.S. (wait…does the GS-13 Stylebook call for “U.S.” as is shown here, or “US” like the previous paragraph?  Let’s look it up!  flip, flip, flip.. ah!  Here it is:  “We’re the US Government – fuck you and your illU.S.ions of consistency!”  Well, okay then.) District Court for the Northern District of the Central Division of the National League of Major League Baseball, any rebroadcast, retransmission, or account of this post, without the express written consent of Major League Baseball, is prohibited.

Where was I?

Oh yeah…Case #1:16-cv-7150, should address their concerns about the case to Michael Sorich, Esq., the poor luckless bastard who drew the short straw at the Cavanagh (GS13 proofreading powers – oh, fuckit!) Law Group and wound up saddled with this stillbirth of a complaint.  It is not incumbent on me to answer to or address misstatements of law made by defendants (named or yet to be named) in the case.  But you know I will because I just can’t help myself.  Call it Parkinson’s Dementia (which I don’t have)

Except when I do!
Except when I do!

or poor impulse control (which I also don’t have…poor impulse control would be a huge step up from the ABSOLUTE ZERO IMPULSE CONTROL that I actually have), eventually I’m going to not talk this case to death, all the while claiming that I actually am saying nothing (insert useful phrase here) about the case.

Which would be a true statement with the proper addition of the useful phrase “helpful to my attorney.”  I am merely providing my barely literate target audience (that’s YOU, Fifi!) with misinformation that will make me look sillier than usual (Dear Old Dad’s First Rule of Holes: KEEP DIGGING!) when I am yet again proven to be incorrect.

Again, my advice to everyone is Pointage, Laughery and Mockification.  It never fails.  Don’t overthink anything.  In fact, don’t think at all.

I never do.

There are currently two defendants in the case.  There may be more, unless I take my bitch attorney’s advice.  If there are, you can bet that my soon to be former slave lawyer tossed me into the street with some really good advice to get off the internet and don’t be such a fucking asshole, after which I paid the filing fee myself and added defendants who continue to hurt my butt.

That $400 would have bought a lot of ointment.

res judicata doesn’t apply because I am not alleging anything that I was so stupid that I dismissed with prejudice last year.  This time, I made a whole different batch of mistakes, such as [REDACTED – WE DO NOT EDUCATE THE MONKEY, EVEN THOUGH IT’S TOO LATE – PK].  Plus, the ever-present and inescapable fatal flaw is still ever-present and inescapable, so there’s that.

There will be an initial status hearing on September 29, provided my ethically constrained attorney has not done something ethical.

I understand the nervousness and anxiety.  I’ve lost six previous lawsuits without getting past a motion to dismiss because I’m an idiot who cannot be educated.  But this will be different, because I’m going to convince a former prosecutor that I’m perfectly sane, and that nine restraining orders in five states were all granted on account of lies about me posting things on the internet that only exist on my hard drive as far as I know.  But I never delete anything…and you can trust me on that.  I’m not saying I don’t have cause to be nervous or anxious, because with my history on the internet there is no way on Earth I’m going to convince a jury of reasonable people that defendants I have been harassing for only two years are responsible for some of the vile stuff that I have been writing for the last eight years.  My so-called “sterling reputation” was falling apart long before I conned my way into getting that “experimental” surgery.  I’m just saying…

Chill.  Lawyer up if you are dumb enough to believe that my attorney is going to agree that this complaint isn’t two quarts of Slovenian horseshit in a one quart Tupperware.  And remember, this has been four years in the making (three of which are barred by res judicata).  What will be will be…the same thing that has always been…

Pointless, but worthy of pointage. Unfunny, but laughable.  And oh, so mockworthy.

Loosen up your lulz muscles.  Buy moar popcorn.  Find a comfy spot.

And wait for the Karma stick to strike.

What will be will be…JOVIAL.

 

THE PRECEDING HAS BEEN A PARODY.

Like(13)Dislike(0)

Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

17 thoughts on “Nobody Pays Attention To Me Stalking Them!”

  1. Well done. Except for that dig on the Oxford comma. It doesn't deserve to be lumped in with Schmalfeldt.

    Do we want to start the pool on whether his lawyer "laughs" him out of the office, or "throws" him out?

    Like(7)Dislike(0)
    1. I vote that he embraces the power of AND, and throws him out WHILE laughing!

      Like(8)Dislike(0)
      1. Actually, I imagine the poor man just sitting there blankly staring into space as his brain tries to convince itself that the idiocy it thought it just heard and read was indeed what it just heard and read.

        Either that or something along the lines of the description of Mr. Kim trying to explain to Mr. Bill that if he didn't shape up and fly right he would end up in jail one of these days.

        Either way, Bill is going to listen to his lawyer try to correct his misapprehensions with increasing anger because obviously this lawyer must be one of those sneaky RWNJs who should never have been allowed to even sit for the bar, never mind be appointed to help out the world's greatest pro se litigant.

        I hope I am correct in predicting that we can all look forward to an impressive Feldtdown by the end of the week.

        Like(7)Dislike(0)
        1. My thinking is pretty much along LG's line of thinking.

          I'll simply add... Mr. Sorich best prepare himself for the inevitable bar complaints the Deranged Cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt will file against him when BS finally realizes Mr. Sorich is unable (and/or unwilling) to salve BS's butthurt via litigation, and unable to award BS everyone's homes, wives, and financial futures.

          #PLM #FUN #LULZ

          Like(4)Dislike(0)
        2. https://knotmywisconsin.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/brawler.jpg?w=300&h=95

          Any time I’ve been in a bar fight, I’m generally the guy standing. I can’t do it physically any more, but if you dipshits really want to go to court with me, BRING IT. And send me pictures of your homes, because they will be mine. And your wives. They’ll be mine, too. Everything you own. Mine. Anything else you want to talk about, dickface?

          Like(6)Dislike(0)
        3. tl;dr version: "Michael J. Sorich is trying to figure out how to make a DUMBF5CK understand that BUTTHURT IS NOT A TORT!"

          Like(2)Dislike(0)
      2. Love your post, you Krendler, you. But.

        This is going forward.

        Oh hell yeah it's worse than a dog of a case AND Sorich&Co. know they're going to lose BUT somebody else (that's us taxpaying suckers) is paying SO Shakeys' lawyers will burn as much time as they can and string this out over as many state-billable hours as possible. Is there a limit?

        Unless Cavanagh has other higher-paying opportunities. Betcha' they don't. Are you kidding me? Of course they don't.

        And doesn't matter if Sorich loses. He gets payed. Doesn't cost him anything. Gets a little more experience too. Doesn't matter if what the state is paying Cavanagh is less than Sorich costs them; it mitigates their costs, somewhat even if not entirely, for a lawyer who's on the bench (not otherwise billable).

        Cavanagh will NOT be held accountable for wasting time and (your) money. This should be multiple articles in multiple newspapers and also worthy of a WSJ editorial. Likely two.

        What's the proper role of Government, boys and girls? Funding private lawsuits for one citizen against another? Cui bono? With dressing on the side, of course- The Legal Machine benefits because it gets fed. How utterly 'Progressive.' Take care of the people who take care of 'us'. Pay for play. Where have I heard that before? Hillary who? Shut 'yo mouf.

        So.

        Expect Willy to be higher than a kite and giddy as a cub scout on his first camping trip (the daytime part of the first day) for some weeks to come. He's going to be saying, "I TOLD you SO!!!" to all the little zombies and lickspittles and tossing Doom clocks (is that trademarked? anybody know? gotta' be worth something...) like there's no tomorrow.

        "Oh yes! This is JUST the start. Next you and you and you and maybe even YOU!!! Be careful!!! Else Lawyer-Up Mo' Fo's..."

        I can't begin to tell you the utter joy Schmalfeldt's going to be feeling over the next several weeks.

        Or at least until the WJJH suit hits hard(er). But hell, it's not like he's ever going back to Maryland anyway. Nothing to worry about even IF Bill loses- Right? Right. Ummm...

        Strike my last. Don't educate and all that.

        You can check my work by watching for Bill's late Wednesday update(s).

        In the end of adjudication, His Lawyers will tell Bill, "Well, hell. We tried. Bum luck and it just came down to a roll of the dice with this particular judge. Better luck next time. Vaya con Dios (asshole)."

        Shakes will walk off thinking Sorich&Co. actually meant what they said. And this means LOLSuit VIII is a near certainty. Not only that, you haven't seen or heard the last of IFP.

        The Saga Continues.

        But know this:

        Because I've foreseen by analyzing the motives of all players involved AND the fact I've documented it publicly means I'll be reminding DUMBF5CK of same from time to time. Over the next several weeks. And I intend reminding Bill how this is going to end.

        His lawyers will lose. They'll mouth platitudes as they walk away. But they'll walk and he'll be zero for how ever-many.

        Again.

        Thus I hope to rob Schmalfeldt of some small amount of pleasure by informing him any enjoyment Bill has will be short-lived.

        Notice I didn't use two pronouns in a row? My senior-comp teacher, Mrs. Wood, would be proud. (RED ALERT! RED ALERT! DOX OPP! DOX OPP! ALL HANDS TO RESEARCH STATIONS!)

        That sentence originally written but re-written upon review was, "Thus I hope to rob Schmalfeldt of some small amount of pleasure by informing him any enjoyment he has will be short-lived." That's some GS-14+ skills right there. Minimum. Easily. I crack myself up.

        But then I have a college degree. Two. Hint to Bill: You need to string another piece of yarn from the sticky with my name to the other sticky denoting education. No. Not the one that says, 'Yale.' I myself am nowhere that smart. But I do see.

        17th sticky from the bottom (and moving up). Not Cousin Roy, not Jane, not librarygriffon, not SPQR, not canuckamuck, not gus, scrubone, either Dave, Jane or Dianna (what? you think she could type this opus on a phone from a bus? well, maybe- ok. yeah, she's smart enough but it's ME all ME). I'm not any of those folks. And apologies to the multitude I didn't have space to work you in to here. Later. I'll get you in later.

        As Bill finishes reading this he's thinking, "What a dick. Now where's my paintbrush? But what? What soft-footed synchronized shuffling through yonder window breaks?"

        Time to dance? Already? You know the answer.

        And so does Bill Schmalfeldt.

        He will.

        Like(14)Dislike(0)
        1. We will find out how honest this law firm and its lawyers really are with this case. There may not be much we can do about them if they prove they are willing to aid and abet Bill in his lawfare.

          Like(1)Dislike(0)
  2. bwahahahaha

    Posts like that earned our beloved host his title, THE Prince of Parody (may DONATIONS and FUN be upon him always).

    As for the soon-to-be-abused lawyer, I'm giving that a 51/50 chance. 😉

    Like(7)Dislike(0)
  3. Let's not forget what Mr. Sorich truly represents: Bill Schmalfeldt is a broke fuck because he completely sucks at life.

    Like(9)Dislike(0)
    1. Yup. and even with getting a life insurance payout "a LOT more than $9000" just as recently as November, that if he was careful, he was set for life. And now he's broke? Truly a DUMBFUCK.

      Like(2)Dislike(0)
  4. Let's take a moment to enjoy the spectacle of a dumbfuck who has so often flung the epithet of coward loosely about standing defiantly before the whole world under his proud and noble name of Admin.

    Like(5)Dislike(0)
  5. So the man who claimed to have $158 dollars to his name in his declaration to the court is able to take a train from WI to IL, stay in a hotel in downtown Chicago overnight, and take a taxi to talk to his pro bono lawyer? Hypocrite.

    Like(6)Dislike(0)
  6. 35 years ago hotel rooms in downtown Chicago where well north of $158.00. Believe me I scouted around, lack of affordable rooms hurt my weekend horizontal gymnastics.

    Like(3)Dislike(0)

Comments are closed.