THE FOLLOWING IS A PARODY. BITE ME.
There seems to be a great deal of pointage, laughery and mockification out there in all corners about my pending lawsuit to be dismissed in the US District court for the Northern District of Illinois. People who haven’t (and won’t) even be named as defendants are writing blog posts pointing out my misunderstandings of the law, the fact that I do not know which rules are controlling in the jurisdiction, and that I still haven’t read the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure past a point where I see something I like. They are also pointing out that I STILL DON’T GET that once a suit is dismissed with prejudice, any allegation that was made OR THAT COULD HAVE BEEN MADE in that lawsuit is now barred by res judicata. My current FAILSUIT against Grady is loaded with false allegations against Grady that I cannot prove, and therefore will not be litigated at all.
Any party in the case of Schmalfeldt v (don’t forget the GS-13 Oxford comma!), Grady et al, in the U.S. (wait…does the GS-13 Stylebook call for “U.S.” as is shown here, or “US” like the previous paragraph? Let’s look it up! flip, flip, flip.. ah! Here it is: “We’re the US Government – fuck you and your illU.S.ions of consistency!” Well, okay then.) District Court for the Northern District of the Central Division of the National League of Major League Baseball, any rebroadcast, retransmission, or account of this post, without the express written consent of Major League Baseball, is prohibited.
Where was I?
Oh yeah…Case #1:16-cv-7150, should address their concerns about the case to Michael Sorich, Esq., the poor luckless bastard who drew the short straw at the Cavanagh (GS13 proofreading powers – oh, fuckit!) Law Group and wound up saddled with this stillbirth of a complaint. It is not incumbent on me to answer to or address misstatements of law made by defendants (named or yet to be named) in the case. But you know I will because I just can’t help myself. Call it Parkinson’s Dementia (which I don’t have)
or poor impulse control (which I also don’t have…poor impulse control would be a huge step up from the ABSOLUTE ZERO IMPULSE CONTROL that I actually have), eventually I’m going to not talk this case to death, all the while claiming that I actually am saying nothing (insert useful phrase here) about the case.
Which would be a true statement with the proper addition of the useful phrase “helpful to my attorney.” I am merely providing my barely literate target audience (that’s YOU, Fifi!) with misinformation that will make me look sillier than usual (Dear Old Dad’s First Rule of Holes: KEEP DIGGING!) when I am yet again proven to be incorrect.
Again, my advice to everyone is Pointage, Laughery and Mockification. It never fails. Don’t overthink anything. In fact, don’t think at all.
I never do.
There are currently two defendants in the case. There may be more, unless I take my bitch attorney’s advice. If there are, you can bet that my soon to be former slave lawyer tossed me into the street with some really good advice to get off the internet and don’t be such a fucking asshole, after which I paid the filing fee myself and added defendants who continue to hurt my butt.
That $400 would have bought a lot of ointment.
res judicata doesn’t apply because I am not alleging anything that I was so stupid that I dismissed with prejudice last year. This time, I made a whole different batch of mistakes, such as [REDACTED – WE DO NOT EDUCATE THE MONKEY, EVEN THOUGH IT’S TOO LATE – PK]. Plus, the ever-present and inescapable fatal flaw is still ever-present and inescapable, so there’s that.
There will be an initial status hearing on September 29, provided my ethically constrained attorney has not done something ethical.
I understand the nervousness and anxiety. I’ve lost six previous lawsuits without getting past a motion to dismiss because I’m an idiot who cannot be educated. But this will be different, because I’m going to convince a former prosecutor that I’m perfectly sane, and that nine restraining orders in five states were all granted on account of lies about me posting things on the internet that only exist on my hard drive as far as I know. But I never delete anything…and you can trust me on that. I’m not saying I don’t have cause to be nervous or anxious, because with my history on the internet there is no way on Earth I’m going to convince a jury of reasonable people that defendants I have been harassing for only two years are responsible for some of the vile stuff that I have been writing for the last eight years. My so-called “sterling reputation” was falling apart long before I conned my way into getting that “experimental” surgery. I’m just saying…
Chill. Lawyer up if you are dumb enough to believe that my attorney is going to agree that this complaint isn’t two quarts of Slovenian horseshit in a one quart Tupperware. And remember, this has been four years in the making (three of which are barred by res judicata). What will be will be…the same thing that has always been…
Pointless, but worthy of pointage. Unfunny, but laughable. And oh, so mockworthy.
Loosen up your lulz muscles. Buy moar popcorn. Find a comfy spot.
And wait for the Karma stick to strike.
What will be will be…JOVIAL.
THE PRECEDING HAS BEEN A PARODY.