Bill Schmalfeldt Crosses A Line With A Beagle



On her blog, Sarah Palmer — a recent defendant in the lawsuit I lost in humiliating fashion in US District Court in Milwaukee — is provably a better forger and a better liar than I am and I can probe it.

By the way, in the interest of full disclosure, not only did I get my ass handed to me as a Plaintiff in Wisconsin, I am ALSO a defendant IN DEFAULT in a totally different lawsuit in Maryland, where I am on the verge of losing all of my worldly possessions.

Isn’t that FUN?

In the comments of her blog post there is a post comment (which I wrote) from me.

Now, I clearly did NOT write that comment. And here’s the proof.

80.  Guess what I like to drink that’s 80 proof.  Hint: It’s RED Vroom! VROOM!!

But I digress.

The name on the comment says “Bill Schmalfeldt.” Now, my name is Bill Schmalfeldt, but that looks EXACTLY LIKE my name. Therefore, because my name Bill Schmalfeldt is never the same Bill Schmalfeldt twice, it cannot possibly be my name, because it looks exactly like my name. Sarah alleges something quite different in her blog post She alleges I wrote the following instead of the comment above.

It was a snarky response, if I wrote it (which I did, because I’m snarky that way, and by “that way,” all you MILWAUKEE AREA LADIES ONLY, I mean I think urinating on children is the FUNNIEST. THING. EVAR!!), in reply to the comment seen above mine about the “depraved” nature of a comedy bit (about raping Cub Scouts in the ass, MILWAUKEE AREA LADIES ONLY!) I recorded in 2013. I don’t claim to have written the second version either, but it does look like something I may have written.

Did I mention I have Advanced Late Stage PARKINSONS!! Dementia? I don’t remember. There are a lot of things I don’t remember…

Sadly, Sarah Palmer has destroyed the only way (that I can think of, anyway, because I’m a demented DUMBFUCK) to prove I wrote it.


The comment above mine in the first screencap has a link to “Jane’s” avatar page. She’s a hateful bitch and I want to urinate on her kids. My comment has no link, and my name is listed as Bill Schmalfeldt. Which is my name!

Now, we go to the “Reader.” Let’s compare what is on the “Reader” with what’s on the live site.

In case you are confused by my writing (it’s okay, almost everyone is, especially MILWAUKEE AREA LADIES ONLY), what you see above is the LIVE SITE, which does not reflect any changes I may or may not have made to my Gravatar profile prior to writing this post. I’m not saying I did. I’m not saying I didn’t. Because I’m not under oath, and Gravatar has not been subpoenaed for their change logs yet.

Now, we compare to what’s on the “Reader.” is a website I have not used since I can’t remember deleting it while writing this post. The last time anyone archived something I published there that was embarrassing and stupid enough to save FOREVER to the Wayback Machine was 2014.


Now look at the post below mine (the one I wrote).

My comment (that I wrote) at 9:19 PM on July 2 was 4 days ago. But MJ’s comment?

MJ’s comment from 11:47 PM on the same day was 3 days ago.

If I were smart enough to do simple math like 9 – 5 = 3, then I would probably conclude that I did all this screencapping between 9:19 PM on July 6 when my comment (which I wrote) entered it’s 4th day of existence, and 11:47 PM on July 6 while MJ’s comment was still in its 3rd day of existence.

But I can’t do math, so that’s not what happened. It must be forgery by somebody. There is no third option. There’s never a third option when you’re Bill Schmalfeldt.

Sarah posted this earlier today to PROBE she hadn’t forged anything.

So, why does THIS one have my name and avatar, not my new pen name? Was it taken before I changed the name on my Gravatar profile? Why does it link to a website I deleted yesterday? Was it taken before I removed the link to this website that I deleted in a flood of fear pee for reasons even I am too addled by dementia to recall? And where IS this quote located? Did she make this one up, too? Does she have that flag set on her blog that sends her an email for every comment she receives?

I sure hope not, because if she does, then she could prove the content of the original comment (which I wrote) and I would be in BIG FUCKING TROUBLE if I sued her. It’s a good thing she doesn’t have that flag set then. I know she doesn’t because I am Bill Schmalfeldt Who Did Not Write That Comment (even though I totally did), and there is NEVER A THIRD OPTION. Besides, there is no copy of the original to be found (at least not by me, and I’m the only one who matters) that I would trust to be unaltered.

So, at the VERY least, we (me and the naughty hamster crawling around my transverse colon) know Sarah Palmer has manufactured a comment I never made. And we (hmmm…should I tell about the Cub Scout and the crowbar? Maybe later) can PROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBE!!! it. Can I file a lawsuit for defamation?


Will it fail as spectacularly as every other lawsuit I have ever filed?


She is no longer protected by the shield of CDA 230,

Those are screen caps of some crap I wrote myself to make it look like authoritative legalese. You can tell because THERE ARE NO LINKS. I’d link it if it were actually useful to me. But it’s just a bunch of horseshit (HORSESHIT?!? Where are the postal inspectors? Have they visited my SHIT SENDER that I found yet? When will the FEDERAL CRIMINAL CHARGES BE FILED FOR MAKING MY BELOVED THROW UP AFTER I FORCED HER TO OPEN MY MAIL?), not worth anything but fertilizing your garden.

And I will file in the correct jurisdiction this time. Because you know what they say: SEVENTH TIME’S THE CHARM. Oh, Sarah need not worry that I will cause myself any injury traveling to and from North Carolina. It will be someone else’s fault. It’s always someone else’s fault. Once the court sees the proof of her multiple defamatory statements, and the fact that she no longer can claim protection under the CDA since she has altered comments to change the meaning into something defamatory, I’ll never have to set foot in the Tarheel State, unless she retains an attorney who requests a hearing. Or if the case, you know, actually goes to trial. This will be a slam dunk. As long as I don’t get a horrible, bitchy, icky female girl-type African American-tinged Obama-appointed magistrate judge who could never see things my way without bothering to look at the arguments from both sides to see which one of us sleeps with a bed full of bridge mix because he’s fucking nuts (hint: BOOGA BOOGA!!).

If Sarah had a decent lawyer who was not on the verge of getting in line behind HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! to sue me for everything I own, he would probably tell her the same thing that guy told her, which was probably something like:

You’re being sued by an idiotic monkey. I have an ethical responsibility to be, not exactly nice to him, but to deal with him fairly. So I’m going to offer a settlement which he is probably too stupid to understand is the best deal he’s going to get. I foresee that, like the idiot he is, he will reject it and try to get me disqualified. I foresee that I will then proceed to kick his fucking head right off his shoulders (in a strictly legal sense) and make him look like a dancing monkey trying to fuck a bouncing football. When, as I have foressen, the case is inevitably dismissed for lack of personal jurisdiction, which I will have explained to him and he will have forgotten, I foresee that I will then try to get him to realize we are going to file for sanctions and attorney fees per applicable statute. I further foresee that because he’s an idiot monkey with hairless testicles for feet, he will probably file a bar complaint against me. Then, not only will you, as a client, have even moar grounds for sanctions, I will be able to use his bar complaint as evidence of his failure to negotiate in good faith. Exactly as I have foreseen. This will lead to EVEN MOAR SANCTIONS! And we will laugh. And then I will sue him in Virginia, because by filing a bar complaint there, he automatically subjects himself to personal jurisdiction there. I wouldn’t even have to make the argument that he has serially failed to make SIX TIMES OVER! I hope his sister has a spare bedroom.

If it were me advising her, I’d tell her the same thing I tell everyone but myself: to close her blog and salt the earth over it so nothing grows in its place. But I am a stupid person and and I only take advice from people who are more stupid than me.

In other words, I never take advice from anyone.


Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

23 thoughts on “Bill Schmalfeldt Crosses A Line With A Beagle”

  1. Oh, my God, that's so freaking funny! And so very true!

    BTW, if he seriously does not 1) drink and 2) not remember posting that awful bit of disgusting vomitus, he needs a serious evaluation.

    But it really just seems to me that he drinks, and tries to pretend to himself that he doesn't. Not that this is unusual for drunks, heaven knows. The homeless guy whose pitch is near my office building always says he isn't drunk (or otherwise impaired), while staggering and holding a large bottle of malt liquor.

    1. "BTW, if he seriously does not 1) drink and 2) not remember posting that awful bit of disgusting vomitus, he needs a serious evaluation."

      Absolutely. His comment that it "sounds like something I'd write" is horrifying to me -- that he could make such a comment so casually he'd forget doing it.

      Or, he's so mentally impaired he's making such comments while blacked out -- either by rage, dementia, or drink.

      1. I agree with both you and Dianna. His comments are horrific and show that he is a person who is not fit for polite society. And his attitude about that only confirms it.

        And he wonders why people have an issue with it.

        Perhaps if he hadn't of said the things he has said online and for posterity, people who Google "Bill Schmalfeldt" would not hear those things that he has said online. No one, and I mean ABSOLUTELY NO ONE has to make up anything about him. HIS OWN WORDS indict him as being a horrible person. And they are apparently words that he is just so damn pleased with that he loves including them in his LOLSuits. If only one reads those exhibits as examples of what he thinks is so great that it needs to be broadcasted to the world, they will find what lies beyond the "charmingly sinister" exterior of Bill Schmalfeldt all too soon.

  2. Poor demented-addled freak always deletes its depraved rantings, and salts the internet, because the loathsome loser can't wrap what's left of its diseased mind around the fact that THE INTERNET IS FOREVER.

    1. I prefer that he finds a nice long sharp object sticking upright and him leaning forward against it after a couple bottles of Johnnie Walker Red.

  3. Crazy takes a whole lotta work.
    Evidently, DF's first week ever doing overtime.

  4. way funnier and more truthful than anything Stinky has ever written, that's for sure.

    but I do have a question.
    It seems Stinky has decided he didnt even leave the original comment. Ok, not that that is any believable, but ok, what about all the other ones he left that night??? Did he "not" leave those either?

    I'm sure he'll have no problem explaining to a judge how leaving nasty comments on the blog of one of the many people who has a restraining order against his contacting them in ANY WAY, didnt violate said RO.

  5. I always suspected Schmalfeldt was an assumed name. I presume that Willie Munke is one of the famous Dancing Munke family.

    1. There are plenty of Schmalfeldts out there who live/have lived honorable lives, who have made significant contributions to society, who have actually raised their children, who are successful in business, who don't have sex with trannies on stage in Japan, etc. This joker is not one of them.

      While you all make fun of the family name, including the smears on his parents (who were decent people who raised several decent, successful children, save a couple of bad or dead apples), it hurts no one but this joker.

      The Schmalfeldts who are good, decent people don't let this joker's lack of character and decency reflect upon them personally. They know better. It is a shame that Googling the name "Schmalfeldt" brings up so many links and photos about this joker and not of Schmalfeldts who actually have a positive effect on this world, such as Janet Schmalfeldt, Gregory Schmalfeldt, Robert Schmalfeldt, Mary Schmalfeldt, etc.

      He has become famous for being horrible, which still makes him famous, which is what he's always wanted. Like a naughty two-year old, for this loser, negative attention is better than no attention. I feel bad for his family, especially his children.

      I do congratulate all of you for living in his head rent-free! He's such a freaking train wreck and it's fun to watch.

      1. If it is an assumed name, then clearly the real Schmalfeldts should be happy to have that publicized. Munke seems much more suitable.

  6. Bravo HZIC!

    Bill should outsource all his writing to you. He might even sell a book that way.

    Of course, outsourcing his writing to a lost New Guinean tribe as unfamiliar with the strange and confusing ways of English as he is would also be an improvement. So there's that.


Comments are closed.