At the beginning of 2013 I had never been so much as charged with evading a traffic ticket.
That sounds an awful lot like “I had never gotten a traffic ticket,” doesn’t it? That’s what I meant for it to sound like. But I lie. A lot. I mean, A WHOLE LOT. So when I say “I had never been so much as charged with evading a traffic ticket,” what I really mean is, I have stacks of traffic tickets that I use to plug leaks in the walls of the tincasa during the winter.
But when the new year began, I was deeply involved in writing for the website Blowhard Unread. I had already been harassing Lee Manahattan of Dallas by reporting him to the DFS because I found pictures of kids who looked like they might have been playing outside and decided they must be his kids, and what self respecting stalker wouldn’t report to the cops half a continent away that he’d seen photos of kids playing in the dirt! Everybody knows that good children entertain themselves by killing small animals and maybe the odd lost toddler. I also published his home address in response to someone who threatened to rape his wife (funny little me! hahaha) so he responded by reporting a rape threat. I considered filing charges against him, but decided against it when I realized I didn’t have a case because I actually did what he said I did.
By February 2013, I had apparently failed to solve the Rubik’s Cube as far as the (not even barely alleged) criminal enterprise that makes up the National Bloggers Club was concerned. I knew there was one because my single anonymous source had told me so, and if you can’t trust an anonymous, kid-diddling, convicted bomber, perjurer and forger of evidence, well then, by God, who can you trust? I had written that Manahattan had a record of fraud going back to the early days of the century, which sounds like forever if you can’t remember what you had for dinner last night. I had…shit! No, wait – that was Saturday. Last night was tube steak and cream gravy. I had proved it in my mayonnaise-clogged cranium and that was good enough for anyone. I had written that Manahattan offered his wife as a prop in his pornography studio for $299, $650 if you wanted her to “deliver the prints” — so to speak — to your apartment or motel room. That’s way more than my wife ever got offered, but she had the benefit of being able to offer volume discounts for “getting the cream for your coffee” – so to speak, over at the truck stop. I had written that several of my nude bondage Cub Scout anal-rape-fantasy models appeared to be under 18, and I asked him how to forge the proof that a pornographer is supposed to have on hand to prove the age of his models.
He told me he had no idea.
Then, I wrote and performed parody radio commercials about a Maryland whorehouse owned by Truck Stop Dolly and how the most popular girls working there were named Gail, Nina and Marilynn. I continued to harass Manahattan him through the death of his daughter Collette. Given my history as a deranged, lying cyberstalker, it did not strain my credulity to believe and eventually prove that he would invent a dead baby just to live-tweet her death to look like a victim and get sympathy from his readers, increasing his intake on Pay Pal.
Who does shit like that? To get money on PayPal? I never did that. I mean, I did, but I never got any money on PayPal for it.
On Feb. 13, Manahattan somehow found the money (probably in his PayPal account – DUH) to fly up from Dallas to BWI Airport in Baltimore so he could file charges of harassment against me in the Howard County Court. I still believe Aaron Worthy – the disgraced, unemployed, unemployable WORST LAWYER IN THE WOOOOOOOORLD!!!! who I helped Bert Kimberly get fired for doing his anti-Muslim, Bert-Kimberly-smearing on company time — paid for Manahattan’s ticket (even though he has piles of dough in his PayPal account – Mark in MD told me so). WJJ HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! of Westminster, Md., picked up Manny at the airport, bought him dinner with Aaron (the FIEND!! No one ever buys me dinner…), and together they flocked to the Howard County Courthouse to file the single charge of Harassment as a Course of Conduct.
Days later, Worthy also filed charges against me in Howard County District Court. He charged me with harassment and electronic harassment (because even though he’s unemployed he’s also a Secret Court Commissioner!), and secured a temporary peace order.
On Feb. 18, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! (also a Secret Court Commissioner!) got in on the act and filed a charge of harassment, electronic harassment and illegal access to a computer, alleging that in October 2012 — at the height of Super Storm Sandy — as we sat in candlelight, I somehow commandeered a computer server in Kansas City, took over an ISP that belonged to some guy in Brazil, and used it to harass him under the name of XStasy McClane and some other conservative dumbass. I have no idea how he figured out it was me. He also got a temporary peace order.
On Feb. 28, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!!’s first attempt at a permanent peace order failed. He appealed.
I was supposed to have my hearing with Aaron Worthy on March 8. But I was in Wisconsin to hold my mother’s hand as she died when I wasn’t on Twitter or the Web searching for butthurt, and accusing my ex-wife of vile behavior. No one but me has ever sat with their mother and surfed the Web as she died, so you cannot possibly understand the pain, the loss, the desperation, the despondency, the blistered fingers from banging on the iPad screen, the knowledge that I would never again poop in one of her kitchen chairs – it was awful. And they made fun of me. No one makes fun of me and gets away without a stern but ultimately useless finger-shaking Twitter threat from me. Never have I been so humiliated. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! I will live to see him pay. They spent the day I was mourning my mom by slandering me, slandering her, and posting her obituary picture on their Twitter timelines with insulting comments. I know this for a fact because I spent the day – THE ONE AND ONLY DAY! – I was mourning my mom following them all in real time to track my butthurt, and sending mean tweets to Manahattan and my ex-wife because that was FAR MORE IMPORTANT than mourning old, dead what’s-her-name.
Fresh off the death of…whoever, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! filed another Harassment charge against me on March 15. Then, on March 20, after I violated the temporary peace order, he filed a criminal charge of violating the temporary peace order.
I finally faced Worthy on March 22, and the judge mocked him in court. He mocked me worse, but how does that serve the narrative? The Peace Order was denied.
Three days later, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! took his second bite at the apple, and was again denied a Peace Order by a judge who laughed at my pasty visage and jiggling midsection and was more than visibly angry at the fact that I couldn’t leave people alone who wanted nothing to do with me. I don’t know why she doesn’t understand that if I didn’t harass these people I’d have no one to talk to at all. I have six grandchildren, the last I heard, probably more by now, and I only know the names of two of them.
After a secret mission by my soulmate, Manahattan’s and Worthy’s criminal charges were disposed of by nolle prosequi by the Howard County State’s Attorney on March 22. He told me his clock had never been polished so well. I suggested he might want to suggest his counterpart in Carroll County might want to come and visit. By a complete coincidence, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!!’s first batch of charges were all dropped by the Carroll County State’s Attorney on April 17. So, I enjoyed the time between April 17 and July 8 without charges.
However, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! convinced a Carroll County Circuit Court judge on June 9, a judge who had no idea what Twitter does, what it is, what it’s for, how to use it, that I was continuing to harass him. (He used this same argument later in mediation, saying he was under no obligation to disable any of his internet functionality, an argument that makes so little sense that I have since tried to use it myself). It was such a weak argument, in fact, that he was awarded his peace order. Less than a week later, I was back to harassing him.
On July 8, he filed five charges of violating his peace order. (Remember, he’s a SOOPER SEKRIT Court Commissioner with special power to file charges!) In addition to @mentions, he claimed #mentions and “pingbacks” from my blog were contact. He claimed that my blogging, “Someone who knows Hoge should ask him…” as an attempt at direct contact. Anyone knows that isn’t direct contact! It’s unauthorized use of name and image and I owe him $35,000 per occurrence or something!
He filed three more SOOPER SEKRIT “Violation of the Peace Order” charges on August 5 because I purposely neglected to remove the @WJJHoge handle from tweets that were not meant for him, but were tweets directed to other people. My ex-wife for one – no, not that one! The other one – the one I spent my “day of mourning some old bag who kicked” raving at on Twitter.
These eight charges were all dropped by the SA on Sept. 11. So, I went nearly two months with no further charges.
On Nov. 8, he filed a new SOOPER SEKRIT charge of harassment, electronic mail harassment and 36 SOOPER SEKRIT charges of violating the peace order.
On Nov. 12, he filed 198 new SOOPER SEKRIT charges of violating the peace order, and had an arrest warrant issued. Thank God, the Carroll County deputies realized the charges were horseshit and quashed the warrant and issued a summons. Otherwise I’d have been handcuffed and dragged off to jail where I belong. I’d have probably gotten raped, too, and that would have been trouble because the “Property of the Speedway Bomber” tattoo makes me awfully recognizable as “that guy from the adult bookstore.”
On Nov. 15, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! went to the courthouse twice. Once to file 88 new SOOPER SEKRIT peace order violation charges and once to file 29 more. At this point, I had 353 outstanding criminal charges and was facing — if convicted on all charges — 300+ years behind bars and nearly $900,000 in fines. Or, as an objective observer might say, “A good start.”
The State’s Attorney wisely realized there was no way he could prosecute a disabled man for this number of charges, but there were appearances to maintain. I know this because I made it up. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! had been hounding him to DO something against this scofflaw. I know this because I made it up too. On Dec. 9, my Parkinson’s disease having degenerated to the point where I needed a wheelchair (which I miraculously no longer need, isn’t that convenient?), HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!!’s attorney Zoa Barnes of Westminster wagged a crooked finger at me and shrieked to the judge that if I violated the peace order again, “I don’t care about his MS or PD, we will ask for JAIL! JAIL! JAIL!”
In my effort to get the State Court of Appeals to overturn the peace order, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! and Barnes argued that I was lying about having Parkinson’s disease. These scars on my head from deep brain stimulation surgery? All part of an elaborate ruse, Dick dents from being ship’s bitch in the Navy, one supposes.
But back to the State’s Attorney. He realized that, politically, because I had truly violated the law 353 times, he couldn’t do “nothing.” He set up a mediation in which HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! first refused to drop any charges unless I agreed to drop my appeal of the peace order and stop violating it. Then he agreed to drop all but one, if I agreed to drop my appeal of the peace order and stop violating it. Then, he agreed to drop all the charges if I would drop my appeal of the peace order and stop violating it.
The first 38 of the most recent batch were dismissed on January 29. The remaining charges were dropped this morning.
I never stopped violating the peace order. But you knew that was going to happen because I am a soulless narcissistic sociopath who would lie about the severity of his disability (I mean, seriously, wait until you read the next several paragraphs) or about his own wife dying to get sympathy.
I’ve written about the effect stress has on Parkinson’s disease. In addition to the charges themselves, I faced death threats. Every time I have stood up in the tincasa, the dogs threaten to jump on me, knock me down and tear my throat out. Thank God Amazon sells cattle prods. I hear my wife in the kitchen sharpening the carving knife and singing “I stabbed a man in Elkridge/just to watch him die.” Thank God Amazon sells extension cords. I had the police come to my house 14 times over the past year to deliver the charging papers. My neighbors think I’m dealing meth. Thank God it’s only a little weed. And some coke. OH ALL RIGHT, FOR CRISSAKES!! I DEAL METH TO CUB SCOUTS, OKAY?? IT’S NOT LIKE I TAKE MONEY FOR IT – I ONLY TAKE PICTURES.
The stress this has caused has taken a person who could walk unassisted a year ago and changed him into someone who needs a rolling walker to get around his house. Not me, I’m just faking it – but somebody. I can no longer do live talk radio. (Well, I can…but I suck at it. Sadly, that’s always been true, it’s got nothing to do with stress.) I can’t stand on my feet for more than a minute or so. (You try putting 285 pounds of weight on your testicles for 60 seconds and see how you do.) I shower and pee sitting down, when I make it to the bathroom in time. I shave sitting down, when I shave at all. I brush my teeth sitting down. (Just kidding. I don’t brush my teeth.) The only time I leave the house out of fear of falling is to visit the doctor and go to court.
And I wouldn’t even have to go to court if HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! wasn’t forcing me to contact him all the time.
And the best part is, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! is going to get away with it.
I have explored the possibility of criminal or civil charges against him, but I’m the one in the wrong, so that won’t work. I would be better off if he had just beaten me about the head and shoulders with a baseball bat. THOSE injuries, I would recover from, and there might be pictures to entertain the Lickspittles, with the added bonus that if he beats me bad enough I wouldn’t be able to use a computer anymore. Or speak. Or entertain a thought more complicated than “What’s that godawful stench?” The injuries I wish HE would cause me are permanent are irreversible. And they would set off a chain reaction that will shave at least a decade from my life. But I would stop shaving. I could be a really fat GANDALF!! And he will walk away. Laughing.
And I do not want to hear that I did this to myself. So I will chop off my pinkie toes and use them for earplugs. I did not violate his peace order. You violate a parking ordinance. He knows I did not violate his peace order. I have heard him say so at least a hundred times in my fever-dreams. The State’s Attorney says I didn’t. They said it before. I recorded a fake interview with them and I play it every day. Many times. The State Attorney General says I did not. I don’t know his name, and he doesn’t know mine, but he told me in person. You can trust me. The State Legislature says I did not. You can trust me. The Federal Court in US v. Cassidy says I did not. YOU CAN TRUST ME.
I did not violate the peace order.
I fucking raped the hell out of that Peace Order.
Every expert on Twitter says Twitter is NOT a direct communication platform, it is a broadcast platform. Unless YOU are writing to ME, then it’s direct communication and I will sue you for butthurt. I no more “directly contacted” Hoge than Cartoon Network directly pumps Pinky and the Brain into his television.
I did not do this to myself. Hoge made me do it to myself, with magical mental manipulations directly motivating my mush-filled mind. He did it to me via direct contact from twenty miles away. He did it because it was the right thing to do, knowing that the SA would not prosecute. He did it for no other reason to inconvenience me and make me suffer. And maybe get some justice. (If he thought he was going to get a conviction, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. If I should ever file six or seven doomed-to-fail LOLsuits in the future, forget I said this.) He did it, knowing he was making my exaggerated Parkinson’s disease progress at an accelerated rate because I have no self-control and every time someone calls me a poopypants pansy (because I poop in my pants and it smells like FLOWERS!) it’s like chopping off my hands, except I can still use the computer. I know this because I DIRECTLY CONTACTED HIM IN VIOLATION OF THE PEACE ORDER AND READ HIS MIND BECAUSE I AM THE REINCARNATION OF THE LOVE CHILD OF EDGAR CAYCE AND MISS CLEO! He did it in a mocking, sneering fashion. Which gave me butthurt. And he continues to mock me on his blog to this day. Which continues to give me butthurt. Which still isn’t a tort.
And he will get away with it. Because I am an idiot. Oh, I might file a lawsuit or five against him, and steal his copyrighted material without permission, but I’m allowed to do that because I’m a 167.4% disabled with ExtraSuperLateStageELEVENTYFIVE Parkinson’s Disease that I got from storming the trannys during the Vietnam Era when I was a Lebanese veterinarian in Japan. He didn’t get to put me in jail. That’s someone else’s job, but maybe he has friends who will let him observe the process. But I will be in my grave about 10 years earlier than I would have. [Oh, promises, promises! Chug some Windex, why don’tcha?- PK] So he can congratulate himself with that bit of cheerful news.
Now, I will report aggressively on Bert Kimberly’s lawsuit against Hoge and his co-defendants, until it is dismissed on a directed judgment. But I will not be unbiased. I have news that I am sitting on (tucked neatly under that tattoo I mentioned) until early next week. It is not good news for Hoge and his co-defendants. You might even say it stinks. Yes, I crapped on it. (I’ll tell you this much. I won’t say if it’s the state case, the RICO case, or both. Some will save themselves at the expense of others. This is not speculation.)
And I can’t fucking WAIT until I can write about it without risking the outcome.
[Hmm…yeah, still waiting for that big scoop, Scoop DUMBFUCK. Any news on that? You know, if you HAD risked the outcome by writing about it too soon, do you think the outcome really would have been worse for your excellent friend? – PK]
And for every dollar Kimberlin takes from Hoge, for every piece of property Kimberlin takes from Hoge, for every bit of suffering Kimberlin causes Hoge, I will smile. I will laugh. God forgive me, I want the man to suffer. And according to this story I am sitting on, suffer he will. This is why I always look like I have a railroad tie shoved up my ass. I’m just waiting for the big news to break so I can smile.
Remember where you read it. [Oh, that’s easy: the same blog post where you wrote, and I’m quoting your words directly here – “But back to the State’s Attorney. He realized that, politically, with Hoge and Zoa Barnes hounding him, he couldn’t do “nothing.” He set up a mediation in which Hoge first refused to drop any charges. Then he agreed to drop all but one. Then, he agreed to drop all the charges if I would drop my appeal of the peace order.” Remember, DUMBFUCK? Remember the VERY FIRST TIME YOU SAID THAT IT WAS HOGE WHO AGREED TO DROP THE CHARGES AGAINST YOU, AND THAT IT WAS NOT THE STATE’S ATTORNEY WHO MADE THE CALL? HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU LIED ABOUT THAT IN THE LAST THREE YEARS, YOU LYING DUMBFUCK? – PK]
Suffer, he will. It won’t match what he’s done to me. But it will be a small measure of satisfaction for Team Free Speech to see me live long enough for Karma to bite me on my pockmarked, pimply ass. I’ve been told it’s not as pockmarked and pimply as Bert Kimberly’s ass, and I believe it after kissing it on a daily basis for the last five years or so.
Lickspittles? Save your breath. Your comments will be trashed and mocked – and poorly so. Perhaps someday soon someone will come along to give lessons on how to lay truly effective mockery on a DUMBFUCK. I just hope he doesn’t pick me for a target, because my tushie is sensitive and the butthurt is real. If HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! wishes to comment, he is free to do so, but that will mean he invites my anemic and foolhardy response.