In The News

Sources are telling TMZNN (Thinking Man’s Zombie News Network) of an incident that occurred in a Home Station hardware store on West Holt Avenue in Milwaukee this morning.

An employee called the police after an elderly man on a red mobility scooter spent fifteen minutes chasing employees up and down the aisles.

“He was kinda crazy,” said cashier Sally Mendez.  “He said he was looking for caulk.  Jack Winston took him right to aisle 17.  But he just got mad and started yelling.

Winston, a floor manager with eight years experience at Home Station, concurred.  “He was very upset. He said it was the wrong caulk.  He kept screaming ‘I NEED BLACK CAULK!! NOW I CAN FINALLY GET THE BLACK CAULK I’VE ALWAYS WANTED, WHY CAN’T ANYBODY GIVE ME SOME BLACK CAULK?’ I told him we only had white caulk and some leftover hot pink caulk on the shelf, but he said that wouldn’t do.  I told him we could special order any color of caulk he wanted.  He said he needed all the black caulk he could get his hands on, and he needed it right now.”

When told the police were on their way, the man sped out the door and escaped.  Another employee, Jason Milling, was injured when he tried to hold the man for police.  The assailant pointed his cart at Milling and ran over the employee’s foot when Milling was unable to get out of the way of the speeding scooter.

“Man, that dude was weird.  He came my way and I could hear him saying ‘Go Scootypuff, go!’ He nearly fell off the thing when it hit my foot. He was laughing as he drove off, and screaming about black caulk, where’s the black caulk.  He didn’t care if I was okay.”  Milling was treated at the scene.

Police are looking for an extremely white man in his early sixties with long, unkempt hair, wearing blue capri pants, a red Hawaiian muu-muu, black horn-rimmed glasses and a porkpie hat.  He was last seen heading west toward St. Francis.

If you see this man, do not approach him.  He may be a danger to himself or others.  Especially if you like to wave around your black caulk.

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

19 thoughts on “In The News”

    1. OK, did you just hotlink the dancing monkey .gif and Bill flipped out? Because today ends in "y" so I could totally believe that.

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  1. The only thing that makes me wonder if this may be a different demented drunkenstein on a scooty puff (it's red, vroom VROOM!), is that the loathsome loser appears to prefer get caulk from cub scouts, but after a lifetime of FAILure, would likely settle for any.

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    1. The Cub Scouts quit selling caulk years ago because of perverts like HIM.

      Now they sell popcorn because they know people enjoy it while watching HIM self explode.

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  2. Just to prove that HE is the Dumbest person in the world, HE could have just bought some 2" Black Pipe instead. And it would have lasted longer.

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  3. People who do electronics work using soldering irons usually own a "solder sucker" to remove the previous solder before repair. I;ll bet there's a similar product for caulk. I'm gonna check my Sumnerb-Inchin Catalog to see if that's available. brb

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    1. You can find that a lot cheaper in certain unsavory neighborhoods.

      ...or so I've been told.

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    2. Thanks for looking that up, Dave, but this kind of creep will certainly want to do all caulk-sucking by hand, so to speak.

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    1. Yeah, but she had to go out get it herself, because Billy wouldn't/couldn't give her any.

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