If you can deflect blame when all about you
Are pointing out that you’re a freaking dope,
If you insist that your lawsuit is winning,
Even while you know you’ve lost all hope;
If you can stalk a man who’s lost a baby,
And whine at those who point out all your lies,
Or being laughed at, sit in a corner crying,
And look so stupid, thinking yourself wise:

If you can dream—of Cub Scouts by the campfire;
And peeing on them—with your wretched aim;
And if you pick up nine restraining orders
And stalk those damn Lickspittles just the same;
If you can bear to hear the lies you’ve spoken
Thrown in your face to show you for a fool,
Or watch your lawsuits heaved back at you, broken,
Because you never understood the rules:

If you’ve amassed no coin to call your winnings
A life of never being your own boss,
You were a failure back to your beginnings
You’ll die and no one notices the loss;
If you can force your heart and soul and conscience
To silence while your doxing plays go on,
And so to die – for there is nothing in you
To give them any reason to go on.

Harass a toddler while pretending virtue,
Faildox commenters, since you’ve lost your touch,
When critical comments fairly spoke can wound you,
And Johnnie Walker Red you drink too much;
We watch you fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of monkey dance,
Yours is the toilet and all that goes within it,
And—which is more—you’ve also filled your pants!


Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

23 thoughts on “If–”

  1. *thunderous applause*
    *the crowd rises to their feet*
    *the ghost of Rudyard Kipling tips his cap and leads the ghosts of Socrates, Homer, Shakespeare, Aasimov, Twain, Austen, Hemingway, Dickens,Tolkien, Poe, C.S. Lewis, Clancy and dozens of other spirits of the best authors from every age in a standing ovation*
    *Stephen King cries in the corner*
    *the loathsome loser makes an ineffectual, self-humiliating reply; the horde points, laughs, and exclaim, "the monkey is dancing!"

  2. And--which is more--you'll be a DUMBFUCK, you douche!

  3. A masterpiece no doubt. Only one possible tiny flaw, namely the use of the conditional, but that is Kipling's fault.

    If you intend another verse, you might want to start

    If you can sniff your shit when others flush it ....

    In any case kudos.

  4. Bill, wake up you dumbfuck. Your co-defendant Brett Kimberlin is mucking up your case in Maryland making the defendants look bad by evading service. You better file a motion to separate your case from Kimberlin or you're going to lose vroom vroom. Simple motion: it's prejudicial to you being a defendant with a terrorist and felon evading service of process. Why so quiet about Kimberlin when he is hurting your reputation before a court?

    1. Even more Good Advice he won't take. Honestly, we DO try to help him. We always have. But he just won't listen.

  5. Say Bill, any comment on Brett deliberately evading service and lying about his address? I know you had harsh words when you thought the defendants in your lawsuit were evading service (when in reality you just fucked up service). Do you hold Brett to the same standard?

    1. Now, now...

      It's well-established Canon that if he didn't have double standards, he'd have no standards at all.

  6. Damn Paul, I didn't know you had the muse within you. And I thought you were just some IT nerd living in Texas.

  7. "We watch you fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds’ worth of monkey dance,
    Yours is the toilet and all that goes within it,
    And—which is more—you’ve also filled your pants!

    And that sums up Bill Schmalfeldt in one tidy little rhyme.

    I often wonder if he actually enjoys the monkey dance that he does. He craves attention, even negative attention, so much that he probably derives a real shiver of pleasure (which likely looks like a shaking bowl of Jello) when Paul provides another beatdown like this, and he gets to grovel and fuss and spew and spit his "indignation".


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