Here Is Why You Can Believe He’s A DUMBFUCK

I believe in the law. But I don’t understand it.

I believe in the American system of jurisprudence. But don’t ask me how it works.

I believe laws mean what they mean. But I don’t know what that means.

So far, the only argument I’m seeing from the other side that I understand is that I made some typos. Which is true. Oh, yeah, and that I’m stupid. Which is also true.

“YOUR HONOR, THE PLAINTIFF IS STUPID!”

“YOU AIN’T JUST WHISTLING DIXIE, COUNSELOR! CASE DISMISSED!”

I believe that it is textbook libel to say someone is guilty of a crime he has not committed, like sending biological toxic waste from Slovenia in the mail, or forging a signature on a letter that I actually mailed to HOOOOOOOOOOGE!, or falsely registering a copyright for material that I stole from someone else’s blog, or maybe I should just shut up.

I believe that the reason an adult would choose say I am guilty of a heinous crime I have not committed is because he knew it would cause me extreme emotional distress.

I also believe that robots steal my luggage at the airport.

I believe that the reason one of the defendants is using my name as the title of her blog when I have asked her to cease is to make me cry for my mommy.

I believe my Scooty-Puff (It’s red! Vroom! VROOM!) will sprout wings and fly me to the moooooon!

I believe the American system of jurisprudence does not require me to prove intent as one of the elements of textbook libel. They should just take my word for it and give me money and break the defendants’ ankles with a sledgehammer like in that movie.

I believe I can speculate freely about the defendants’ intent without proof, but anyone who does the same to me is committing libel per se and should give me money and get their ankles broken.

I believe anyone who uses my picture should give me ankles and get their money broken, but I can do anything I goddamn well please because I have Parkinson’s and that excuses everything. It’s the Ollie-Ollie-in-come-free of rationalizations.

I also believe that she and several others were just joking when they told me to cease and desist contacting them, and when I didn’t stop harassing them, they falsely claimed I was harassing them to get restraining orders against me.

I believe everyone in the world except me is crazy.

I believe my brain is made of strawberry Jell-O, whole milk, dust mites and Sakrete Concrete Mix.

I believe my monoplacental twin ate my soul in the womb.

Aaron Walker made me an offer I couldn’t understand. All I had to do was promise to do exactly what I have asked a court in Maryland to do to the guy who has been kicking my butt before the bench for three years.

Let’s review my numerous failed lawsuits.

  1. I filed my first suit in May 2014. My wife, who is dead even though I never published a death certificate, and my neurologist forced me to withdraw it by appealing to decency. And because I’m stupid. I’ll never let THAT happen again.
  2. I filed a failed counterclaim which failed with a great failing sound when Hoge filed his failed Copyright Infringement Suit. It failed. Because I’m a failure. A stupid, stupid failure. Who sucks at life.
  3. I filed again, but the suit was dismissed because I was too stupid to understand what diversity is. Because I’m stupid. And a failure. With hairy testicle feet.
  4. I filed again against Hoge, but it was dismissed again because I believe the law means what I believe it means, instead of what it actually says, and I don’t know what “jurisdiction” is because I always stop reading when I find what I like. Because I’m a stupid, nutshuffling failure who smells like cheap whiskey because I spent all the blood money on Scooty-Puffs and doomed lawsuits.
  5. I filed again, but after the StGotCU died, I realized that I had foolishly sued a retired lawyer with a lot of time on his hands and a lot of motivation to crush me into a puddle of goo. So I real quick dumped that suit with prejudice and raaaaan like a sissy to Wisconsin after my stepson kicked me out for getting him involved in my shutuppery. I said I only wanted to be left alone, but what I meant was I wanted to be left alone to search for ALL TEH BUTTHURT!! and to continue to stalk and harass people who said mean things that I can’t even prove were about me. Because I’m STUPID.So I sued a bunch more people who have continued to make me look stupid. Which isn’t much of a challenge because I’m really fucking stupid.

I’ve never had a lawsuit dismissed on the merits, because I’ve never filed a lawsuit capable of surviving a motion to dismiss. Including this one. I say I’ve never had a lawsuit dismissed on the merits like its some big accomplishment (and you know how seriously I take my accomplishments), but the truth is that I’ve never had a lawsuit dismissed on the merits because I’ve never filed a lawsuit that actually had any merit.

If the judge was ready to dismiss this case, I believe she would have done so already. Thus creating an appealable error by dismissing based on a motion that has not been fully briefed in accordance with the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure. Which should give you some very serious doubts about every other thing I have just told you I believe about the law, the American system of jurisprudence, what stuff means and all that other complete sack of bullshit.

Except for the part about me being really fucking stupid. That is a rock on which you could build a church. The First Church of Blob, Idiot.

If the other side were as confident as they pretend, Aaron Walker would not be offering to settle, unless he knows that the judge might ask him, “Mr. Walker, did you offer him a way out?” and he can whip out the email where I told him to pound sand and ask the judge for very high fees, and the judge will ask me why I didn’t accept his very fair offer, and I will say because he wants me to eat a big bowl of shit, and the judge will say it’s what I deserve but she’ll take a check for $50,000 instead and send me to jail for contempt when I call her the C-word in open court.

If the other side was not scared shitless they would have been trying their case on Tehran Twitterz like all the best lawyers do instead of diligently guarding their strategies and working in their client’s very best interest.

The comments on Hoge and Krendler’s sites reek of smart people pointing and laughing and picking my opposition apart as if it were written by a moron.

Oh, wait.

I’m as confident as I’ve ever been in the merits of my case. It’s as meritacious as any lawsuit I have ever filed; in fact, it’s positively meritastic!

And if I lose?

HA!

“If!”

Good one!

And WHEN I lose?

REBRANDING!!

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

23 thoughts on “Here Is Why You Can Believe He’s A DUMBFUCK”

  1. "Nonsensical, not to mention impractical."

    That is how the FEDERAL JUDGE PRESIDING OVER HIS FUCKING CASE described one of Drunkenstien's recent motions.

    But, sure, he's got this one all sewn up. We're all wrong and Captain Zero For Five is right.

    *hic*

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  2. Will the Village Idiot ever understand some of the basic fundamentals in jurisprudence? Will he stop citing cases that support the opposite of what he is arguing? Being a retired GS-13 Editor, will he ever submit a motion or a response without any spelling mistakes? Keeping in mind his former employment, will sentence structure ever enter his mind while he is typing his future legal brilliance into his MacBook? Finally, will he learn that Twitter is not a valuable tool when conducing his lawfare?

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  3. *applause*

    hahahahaha

    No doubt Aaron is depending on demented drunkenstein to make the judge aware of his attempts to settle the case on behalf of his clients. Oh, wait... the loathsome loser already did file some of them. It's just a matter of time before self-described happy my wife died theMerryWidower files this latest settlement attempt.

    And when it's time for her to consider how much to award the defendants in fees and sanctions, the judge will be aware of Aaron's attempts to save her time and aggravation.

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  4. Truly the apex of his Baghdad Blob moments (to date). I'm not ashamed to admit if I got the bench slap that he did in a lawsuit of mine, I'd seriously rethink my strategy and/or run away. So of course, Blob doubles down. The judge wiped out entire motions by noting they were personal attacks, which was the main point of the opposition to those motions. How does one not look at that and think, "well crap, I might have stepped in it this time." Not that I am complaining, as the humor is so vintage and pure I feel I'll never experience it again (until the next suit, I suppose... because you know he'll still try, even if he gets creamed in this suit... deterrence assumes a rational actor). It's just amazing.

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    1. Oh, but the judge left one of his motions as a possibility still on the table. This, of course, means that he is WINNING! No, it just means that he tried to file it way too fucking soon - as my lawyer aptly pointed out to him - and yep, the judge completely agreed. And just because she left it still available to him, that doesn't mean she will grant it. Which is something he completely misses the point on.

      Then again, this is Bill Schmalfeldt we are discussing. Missing the point is kind of his bag, you know?

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      1. To the extent that he even has a "strong suit" missing the point would certainly be a top contender.

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      2. Bill's "bag"?
        Is that a douchebag or a billbag?
        Oh, wait...SHAZ-AND!

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  5. I know it's old, but I'd like to flashback to his taunt about taking peoples wives in a lawsuit. That one element told us so much about his unfounded arrogance and misogyny and complete incomprehension of the law that I don't think we were even able to appreciate it fully at that time. It has ripened into full bloom like mature and stretching corpse-flower.

    (is there a word which means "ignorance crashing into arrogance at ramming speed"?)

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    1. "(is there a word which means "ignorance crashing into arrogance at ramming speed"?)"

      Checking the Urban Dictionary definition of "Schmalfeldt"...

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      1. Ima leave this right here:

        http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dolboyob

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  6. I'm beginning to worry about Krendler. Living rent free is one thing, being able to channel the silliness is another... How will Paul ever be able to find his way back from these trips into Schmalfeldtville? It's like an actor playing a mass murderer on stage night after night for years. Tell me that won't mess up your soul.

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