And Now For Something Completely Different

I’m past the point of using clever pick up lines, but I thought this one was excellent for a single hipster on the make:

“You remind me of my pinky toe; small, cute, and I’m probably going to bang you on the coffee table tonight.” 

So, what are the best and worst lines you have used, have had used on you, or heard second-hand?

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

18 thoughts on “And Now For Something Completely Different”

  1. I was standing near the bar at a honky-tonk while my buddy was getting our drinks, and one of a group of girls also at the bar turned around to look at me and said "Oh, HELL yes!" I was all in, right then. She was good looking, but even if she'd been below average, her enthusiasm was very attractive.

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    1. Enthusiasm and personality can always make up for a lack of physical looks I have always found - in either sex.

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  2. How's this for a rebuff? When I was in my twenties and out for a night of carousing in NYC with my co-workers, some guy tried to pick me up. Not in the mood for his attentions, but not wanting to hurt his feelings, I convinced him that I used to be a man. It didn't take long for him to split. The next morning my partner on the trading desk told me his date, on the way home, turned to him and said, "I can't believe Tulip used to be a man!" I was a somewhat perturbed that I had been so convincing.

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      1. Good point. I guess she could have said, "So Tulip used to be a man. I thought so!" After all these years, I feel better. Thanks, Russ!

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  3. The best pickup line I ever heard:

    Back in '77 when I was going college (yes I am that old, don't judge me!), I went to a party put on by a couple of friends of mine. I walked in, poured a beer from the keg, said hi to couple friends and went out on the balcony. I was there for about a minute sipping my beer, when this short sweet young blonde girl shimmied up in front of me (wearing only a bandanna to cover her upper assets). She asked me my name, how I liked the party and then said "You look horny, you want to go back to my place?" I wasn't at the party for 5 minutes when this happened.

    Well what can I say, it was long night, and I didn't have school the next day.

    And it WAS the 70's, damn I miss the 70's.

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    1. lmao! Ah, the 70s. So many stories like this one have been told about it. lol

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  4. Women used to swoon when I walked by, inevitably would literally melt in my arms... Then a friend introduced me to this new thing called deodorant

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  5. I actually heard a guy try this one on a woman:

    "If I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?"

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    1. I'm not sure I believe this one, but a friend told me he once witnessed another friend escort a woman out of a bar on the strength of "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"

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      1. That's one of those low percentage high return sort of deals. Sure, you may get smacked but eventually you're going directly to Park Place with no concern for passing Go.

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  6. I had a friend who swore if you just asked enough woman "Hey, wanna go fuck?" that 1 out of a hundred would say yes. It seemed to work for him. I never had the guts to try it.

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    1. My friend Jake in college was that guy. He'd go down the bar, asking each woman, politely, "Pardon me, wanna go back to my place and fuck?"

      He almost never went home alone. Got slapped a few times, too.

      And, mind you, he was no treat for the eyes. Big honking nose, scrawny body, bony hands, eyeglasses, reddish hair, so-so teeth, and, because he was colorblind, he'd wear some outrageous combinations of clothing colors. And cowboy boots, always cowboy boots.

      Slept with some real lookers, and some real bowsers. Had plenty of repeats, and, on the nights he didn't feel like going to the bar, he'd run through his Rolodex until one of the girls agreed to come over...

      Never did get married. Probably doing the same thing, today, as he was still in that mode when I last saw him, ten years ago.

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  7. All I got to add is that the '70s were a very Free & Easy Sex decade. And the best thing about it was, anything you caught could be cured with a shot of penicillin (which thank God, I never needed).

    It wasn't really hard to hook up with someone of the opposite sex, and I really didn't need a pickup line. I would talk nicely, treat them respectfully and Bata-Bing Bata-Boom.

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  8. I will add that I'm a former Paratrooper. Just had to slap on the Class A uniform and walk in the bar. You could hear the panties dropping. (Note: Does NOT work in a 25 mile radius of Ft. Bragg NC)

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  9. I know I'm a little late to this post but wanted share share a line that works pretty well for me. I just go up to a young lady and say "excuse me, do you happen to know how much a polar bear weighs"? When she says no I say "just enough to break the ice", then introduce myself.

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