MY ASS WILL SOIL MY DIAPERS AND MY SOUL SOAR BACK TO THE COMPUTER
A REALLY GREAT PARODY OF A REALLY BAD POEM
You are standing on the curb
But the doors of my short bus haven’t closed yet
I move toward the door and the driver says
Sit down, DUMBFUCK, you haven’t learned
Your lesson yet
I want to leave this life
And be with you
You’re going where I can not go right now
I have to sue them for making my ass hurt so much,
And as much as I would love to hold your hand
And tell you stupid jokes because I’m as funny as Black Plague
The wireless mouse is not going to move itself
To find all the butthurt I need to convince a judge
That it’s a tort.
Remember the first time you flew in a plane?
Back when only certain people could afford to fly
And I sat with you at the gate.
You quivered with excitement.
I never did figure out
Where that buzzing sound was coming from.
And you waved goodbye as you walked through the door
With that funny bow-legged walk and crooked smile.
Now they’ve called your flight, and I’m not ready
For you to go. But I’m not the one taking this trip.
You are ready. That’s the important thing.
They’ve opened the door to the jetway.
Walk through, and don’t look back.
The cold never bothered me anyway.
I’m not ready to say goodbye, so I won’t.
We Germans have a much better way of sharing the sentiment.
“Oh, Internet , wie ich dich vermisst habe!”
Oh, Internet, how I’ve missed you!
It tears at my bowels that I won’t see you until then.
And I’ll have to clean up after myself.
But for now, I’m just not ready.
But there’s a terrific burrito stand just down the concourse
And that should take care of things.
I will be ready soon enough. When nature calls
My heart will fill with joy and my bowel with-
Well, never mind.
It will pour from my pooterhole and there will be no stopping it.
The upward thrust will send my heart
Soaring up to heaven,
Where it shall forever join with yours,
For I am cunning and St. Peter will have sympathy
On a poor, disabled, recently widowed
Viet Nam era Veteran who suffers from
Super Stress Exacerbated PARKINSON’S!!
The door closes. I switch on my iPad.
Damn. Fourteen percent remaining.
I rush to an outlet to plug in the charger.
My world nearly became empty and cold.
The sun’s glare through the window glimmers
On the iPad’s reflective screen.
I need to find a shady spot so I can see.
Outside I see an airplane vanish into a cloud.
What am I doing at the airport?
And wasn’t there a woman here?
What was that all about?
June 16, 2015
As My Tablet Lay Dying Next to Me