Can't Say I Didn't Try – Can Say I Failed. AGAIN. Cuz I'm A DUMBFUCK!

THE FOLLOWING IS A PARODY OF THE POST THAT WAS FORMERLY LINKED HERE: http://thepontificator.com/2016/01/21/cant-say-i-didnt-try/, WRITTEN BY BILL SCHMALFELDT ON JANUARY 21, 2016.

DON’T BOTHER TO CLICK THAT LINK. THE POST THAT USED TO BE THERE WAS WAS DELETED ON JANUARY 23, 2016 BY BILL SCHMALFELDT, THE GUY YELLOW WEEPING TWATWAFFLE WHO STANDS BY THE THINGS HE HAS WRITTEN!!!

Coward Tweet

UNTIL IT BECOMES INCONVENIENT, WHICH IS THE HALLMARK OF PRIDE THAT PUNCTUATES THE PATHETIC EXISTENCE OF THIS COWARDLY SLOB.

INSTEAD, READ THE POST WHERE IT HAD BEEN ARCHIVED AS ETERNAL PROTECTION AGAINST THE POST HOC DELETION AND SPOLIATION OF EVIDENCE WHICH HAS ALREADY TAKEN PLACE.

SAFE LINK: https://archive.is/K6lSX

Beatdown

One of the problems I’ve been having all along with the THE CULT OF MY STALKING VICTIMS is that they make it impossible to make up a story about them because they always respond immediately with the truth.

Like today.

After months of silently stalking Patrick Grady in an implicit violation of the Illinois Stalking No Contact Order that was issued over a year ago, I finally stumbled across some info of further strange coincidences in his life.

Remember that because he once posted a picture of a doll (which was TOTALLY A DEATH THREAT AGAINST ME) and asked on Twitter about the job market in Maryland (which was TOTALLY ANOTHER DEATH THREAT AGAINST ME!!), I tried to get a Peace Order against him. But then my vagina started hurting so I had to stay home picking sand out of it and the court dismissed it. Later that year I started blogging about his wife and son, and I threatened to call his employer, so he went to court and petitioned for the order that now prevents me from calling him. I left a note where another blogger whom I believe is named Sarah Palmer could see it, asking if she wouldn’t mind answering a couple non-hostile, non-threatening questions. Apparently she’s heard about me, because she is also pursuing a restraining order against me. I don’t get it. Whatever. She let “KREEEEENNNNDLEEERRRRRRRR” answer for her, and he told me to choke on a bag of dicks and die (WHICH IS TOTALLY ANOTHER ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS DEATH THREAT TO MURDER ME), and that’s too bad, because he may have been able to explain this.

Remember last May when “KREEEEENNNNDLEEERRRRRRRR” had to take a leave of absence from TMZ to attend to his injured daughter. (Remember how people used to put question marks at the end of sentences? We GS-13 genius writer editors don’t do that anymore. It’s a style thing, you wouldn’t understand?) At the time, I said it was all a fake, because I knew it would look bad that I didn’t give a shit about someone else’s tragedy WHILE I WAS WEARING MY VICTIM SUIT

(MADE FROM REAL VICTIMS!)

AND TAKING MORBID PHOTOS OF MY SOULMATE, THE SWEETEST, KINDEST WARMEST HUMAN BEING I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE WHO WAS DYING11!1!1!ELEVENTY11!!!1!1 .

Then I changed my mind when KREEEEENNNNDLEEERRRRRRRR gave an update and thanked someone named “John” for sending flowers, because I knew then that JOHN HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! had LIED UNDER OATH in court when he said he didn’t know who “KREEEEENNNNDLEEERRRRRRRR” was, or else how could he send flowers and balloons to a daughter I knew was fake anyway?

Then I went back and forth over the summer believing the whole thing was a put-up job or the real deal depending on which course made me look like less of an idiot and a fool and more of THE WORLD’S MOST GRIEVINGEST GRIEVER WHO EVER GRIEVED A GRIEF…and VICTIM.

But all the time, I actually believed it, because even though I told everyone that KREEEEENNNNDLEEERRRRRRRR’S daughter didn’t even exist, I was secretly searching every Department of Transportation database I could find, looking for any matching accident I could find, anywhere in America, that would narrow down KREEEEENNNNDLEEERRRRRRRR’S location so I could dox his ass because I have no idea who he is and never did.

But I never found anything, because KREEEEENNNNDLEEERRRRRRRR is obviously connected at the highest levels of the federal government and was able to keep the information away from my prying eyes.

The bastard.

But in one of those terribly lucid moments I have when all the Johnnie is warm in my belly and the clouds are whispering in my ear, I realized once again that I knew all along who KREEEEENNNNDLEEERRRRRRRR is. And I wanted to find out if, instead of “daughter”, “KREEEEENNNNDLEEERRRRRRRR” meant “wife.”

Because in yet another in a long string of coincidences green turd balls that I have picked from the toilet and sniffed deeply (and maybe even tasted, but you didn’t hear that from me), I was TOTALLY NOT STALKING THE GRADYS IN AN EXPLICIT VIOLATION OF THE STALKING NO CONTACT ORDER BY SEARCHING EVERY CHURCH WEBSITE IN PALATINE, ILLINOIS LOOKING FOR ANY TIDBIT OF INFORMATION I COULD FIND, and I saw that Patrick Grady’s wife had surgery in May and needed four months to recover.

Odd that “KREEEEENNNNDLEEERRRRRRRR’S” daughter gets hurt and Grady’s wife has to be operated on. And conveniently reinforcing of my delusions, too!

These are from four successive months of the newsletter put out by the “Presbyterian Church of Palatine” Illinois.

 

Newsletter1Newsletter2Newsletter3Newsletter4

If Sarah would have graced me with a return e-mail, I would have asked her if she knew about this remarkable coincidence. I mean, WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT I WOULD FIND SOMETHING WHICH CONFIRMS MY CONFIRMATION BIAS SO CONFIRMINGLY?

I spent a good part of the last eight months searching those Department of Transportation databases for an accident that involved Mrs. Grady but came up empty. But you know what they say… most accidents happen at home that doesn’t make me a cyberstalker or anything.

Say, remember this totally coincidental picture from the top of the post?

Beatdown

You know what else they say…a wink is a good as a nudge to a blind bat, amirite?

I would never sink to Grady’s level and insinuate that he lost his temper and did something terrible to her, because I just don’t know that he did that. I mean I know he’s KREEEEENNNNDLEEERRRRRRRR because today it’s convenient for me to say so and to justify (in my dementia-addled mind, if no one else’s) the club I want to beat him with, and also CONFIRMATION BIAS! And EVIDENCE! or something.

I tried to get some answers by contacting all of the people who have restraining orders against me in most of the 57 states because LIES AND REPUBLICAN RED STATE JUSTICE, but the gang over at TMZ and BillySez are too busy – laughing at my epic monkey dancing and serial violations of all those restraining orders – to treat me like the totally serious and hypervaginal —VIGILANT! HYPERVIGILANT! Gail! Make Mother stop taunting me! Gail? Gail, why aren’t you whispering from the clouds? I HEAR YOU LAUGHING! SHUT UP!!

…goddamn ashbag soulmate…if I hadn’t been so desperate for sex that night…she probably didn’t really even get pregnant…

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah.

If they’d treat me like the serious hypervigilant intrepid internet cyberstalking journalist that I am, I might get some answers to these burning questions that I’m totally not entitled to and have no business asking.

So, there is KREEEEENNNNDLEEERRRRRRRR’S daughter Collette who died in childbirth several years ago, and then was in a horrible accident last May, and Grady’s wife Lauren hospitalized, who has the whole church praying for her for four months.

Wait…now I’m confused. Some of this sounds a little bit familiar…

No evidence of a little girl getting hurt in any kind of accident like the one described last May by “KREEEEENNNNDLEEERRRRRRRR.” But she died before she was even born, so why should that be surprising? I think…there’s no death certificate, is there? I searched and searched and searched but I’m not a cyberstalker or anything.

He wouldn’t lie about a thing like this. [Never, ever, ever a third option with this DUMBFUCK, is there? No, because that would mean DUMBFUCK IS WRONG! And we all know that NEVER happens! – PK]

Would he?

I would. But he wouldn’t.

I distort, you deride.

And if any of you can prove me wrong, well then I guess I’ll just have to apologize for calling the lying, grifting pimp a plying rifting gimp and drop him from my lawsuit which I’m totally gonna win this time, unless I run out of energy for the fight or find some other bullshit excuse to drop the suit in August, like the fact that the NINJANUNS won’t renew my lease because by then I’ll probably be up to twenty restraining orders or possibly in jail or a mental hospital.

Be well.

And let me know if you have any leads on a nice clean viaduct or underpass opening up in the late summer.

Deal? Deal. OK.

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

39 thoughts on “Can't Say I Didn't Try – Can Say I Failed. AGAIN. Cuz I'm A DUMBFUCK!”

  1. Does Teh Blab know what a "pontificator" is? If you ain't the Pope, it means you are a pompus, dogmatic, self-important inflated blowhard.. Cliff Clavin on steroids....

    Not a name you select for your self, at least if you have any self respect.

    The LULZ just keep coming.

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    1. Billy special brand of stupid makes me imagine a one-legged man trying to kick down a door.

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    1. Any chance we could get a blueprint of Blob's Red Vroom-Vroomer? In case there's the off-chance it shares the same design as the Ford Pinto? Or the Death Star? Asking for a friend.

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      1. If there were a Hall of Fame for Billy LOLs, this would be a WIN

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  2. I suspect everyone is wrong about the impending loss of the lease.

    Nuns don't normally live a life of constant chuckles, let alone guffaws and shrieks of laughter, you know. The hilarity among them since Willie came to abide must be like water in the desert, precious and dear.

    No god, and especially not a loving one, would deny them their daily portion of mirth from the buffoon's antics.

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  3. Bills original post will be such good background material at the hearing for the continuation of my Harassment Prevention Order in September. Prefaced by the additional Restraining Orders, the hearing for the extension may be shorter than the original hearing.

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  4. Lovely smack Sir. Methinks you lay it down like a beast.

    Could we have a running post where we all post pictures of viaducts, underpasses, drainage pipes, and overgrown shrubberies and title it "Schmalfeldt Relocation Referral Service"?

    We could all post pictures from our local communities of likely abodes for the newly dis-enhoused.

    You know he'd be in here every day trying to pry loose clues as to where each of us is located based on the pictures posted. Oh, did I mention it would be extra fun to swap pictures around between who actually sent them?

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  5. Bill has the following for a tag line on his current stupid blog:

    "The real life, day-to-day adventures of a young, happily married man who suddenly found himself old and widowed."

    He is 61. He is bitching about the fact that in six days it will be 16 years since he was diagnosed with Parkinson's. And he has made a point of documenting and complaining about the months/years that it took for illness to claim his wife. He has a really strange definition of "suddenly".

    I had one of the best dogs I ever owned compete and win at an agility trial on a Friday, collapse Saturday morning before heading back to the competition, and be dead by Tuesday. That, for the DUMBFUCK's reference, is suddenly.

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    1. Well, it would have to be 'sudden' because otherwise, self-described HappyMyWifeDied TheMerryWidower could have done something to prolong her life or ease her symptoms.

      I mean, if it wasn't 'sudden' then it would be terrible for the freak to be sending a dying woman to the post office to deal with its soon-to-be-dismissed-with-prejudice, ridiculous FAILsuit days before she collapsed. It would have been cruel to have that dying woman continue to wait on the freak, take care of it like it was a helpless blob, even push the laardvark* around in a wheelchair to medical appointments for the grotesque ghoul instead of herself.

      If it wasn't 'sudden' then losing more than half of her body weight over the course of a few months would have been a big sign she needed medical treatment stat, and we all know the deluded freak claimed at the time she, "did it the old-fashioned way," and the freak was, "so proud of her," for losing so much weight. Remember, members of the horde repeatedly expressed concern for her health based on the deterioration apparent in the freak's voluminous posting of photos. Complete strangers thought she needed immediate medical attention, but likely were just trying to distract from the freak's more pressing medical needs from its Stage MCXLIAR Parkinson's. It was almost like there was a conspiracy to kill the malignant monster, by diverting attention from the freak to SGotCU! Death threat !1!eleventy!1!

      If it hadn't been so 'sudden' then self-described HappyMyWifeDied TheMerryWidower could have used those oh-so-important-and-useful 'contacts' at the NIH to get some help for her. Don't you think the freak would have gotten her dialysis to keep her going longer, hoping for a cure or transplant or something instead of letting her die of kidney failure? I mean, if it wasn't so 'sudden' of course.

      If it wasn't so sudden... [insert observation here]

      *stolen fair and square.

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      1. Let's see...his wife loses HALF her body weight over a course of MONTHS. The only reason this seemed "sudden" for DUMBF5CK was that the narcissistic selfish oaf couldn't be bothered to actually SEE his wife's plight.

        "SHUT UP, GAIL!! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY MAKING WAR ON LICKSPITTLES HERE??!11"

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    2. "But yes. I do utilize a mobility scooter to maintain a degree of independence and not have to rely on others to give me rides."

      Translation: "I gorged myself into obesity, so now I can't nutshuffle on my own two feet, so I have to bum rides off of working people."

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  6. Bill paints such an idealistic picture of his life with his wife. Why do I think it was actually much more like this:

    https://youtu.be/eLuvwrHacYk

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  7. You know, there is Dumbfuck...

    Since I have decided that I am not going to respond to them directly anymore, my stalkers are carving out new territory to stalk.

    ...and then there is DUMBFUCK!

    Now, if “Plain Jane” wishes to debate the truthfulness of what I’ve posted here, I invite her to climb out of the closet in which she hides, step forward and defend these crazed, outlandish, hate-filled, ignorant remarks of hers.

    The cherry on top of this soft serve stupid sundae? Why, it's the headline, of course!

    "In Which Stalker ‘Logic’ is Discussed"

    Totally not going to address them anymore, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!, because logic.

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      1. Mindful of metaphors:

        "Luke, you've switched off your targeting computer. What's wrong?"

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  8. William Schmalfeldt asks: "DO YOU HONESTLY (note the key word highlighted in red) BELIEVE THAT I WOULD JUST STAND THERE AND DO NOTHING IF I COULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING DIFFERENTLY THAT WOULD HAVE SAVED HER LIFE?
    If you honestly believe that I had anything to do with her death, say so. And be brave enough to put your name to it.
    "

    That is exactly what I think happened. I think he was so caught up in his "battles" with his perceived "enemies" on the internet, he ignored her worsening condition. I think his cluelessness and indifference hastened his wife's death. And he knows exactly who I am, so if he has a problem with my opinion, he can come face me like a man. Oh, that's right - he is not a man - he is a sick, demented, twisted sad sack of a coward, raging at the world from the "safety" of his pathetic old-folks home. That is my opinion.

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      1. Ahh, I was wondering myself. Hence my metaphor directed at her in the above comment.

        Use the Force, Ash. 🙂

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