Social Butterfly Zombie Advice

“If I could just come up with a socially positive way to spend the rest of my days, I might even be something approaching happy again.”

This is a surprisingly self-aware quote from a DUMBFUCK. In fact, it articulates an objective which is both noble and worthwhile. I should hope to be able to spend my own golden years in pursuit of such a virtuous goal.

Sadly, I don’t believe for a minute that DUMBFUCK is even a tiny bit serious.

So it received its $9000 insurance payout.  Did it buy a grandfather clock?  Did it buy a mobility scooter?  Who knows?

I can confirm that it used a different computer to stalk this website yesterday than the one it had been using since it relocated.  I imagine it’s got an All-In-One in the bedroom and the laptop next to the recliner…because OVERSHARE.

But let’s get back to that goal.  I think we, the Lickspittle Zombie Horde, can help with that.  How can we help a DUMBFUCK come up with socially positive ways to spend the rest of its days, and perhaps even nights?

Let’s have this be an open thread for that purpose, but of course anyone who truly believes that any sort of social redemption is not possible for a DUMBFUCK is welcome to express their thoughts as well.

I will get the ball rolling.

Tips For a Socially Positive Retirement

  1. SHUT OFF THE FUCKING COMPUTER – you will never change anyone’s opinion of you online.
  2. SHAVE – you look like a slob. This will hurt you later.
  3. LEAVE THE APARTMENT – you don’t want to be a shut-in? Get out.
  4. GO TO WHEREVER THE SOCIAL ACTIVITIES ARE IN YOUR BUILDING
    • Introduce yourself
    • Tell someone you want to learn to play
      • Pinochle
      • Cribbage
      • Gin Rummy
      • Canasta
      • Backgammon
      • …or whatever else is going on. Other people like to feel useful and someone will teach you to play any of these games, EVEN IF YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW.
    • Say “Please” and “Thank you.”
    • And…BOOM! You made a friend. Congratulations!
    • Engage in conversation. Topics to avoid:
      • Poop
      • Cub Scouts
      • Pee sticks and pooter holes
      • Your recent widowerhood. When asked about your wife, just say, “She passed earlier this year. I’d rather not talk about it.” At least until you learn to control the OVERSHARE. Trust me, nobody wants to hear how she pissed herself all the way to her shoulders.
      • Politics
      • Religion
      • Parkinsons Disease (except with others who share it)
      • Lickspittles & Zombies (because NOBODY gives a fuck)
  1. INVITE SOMEONE TO A MOVIE OR A BUCKS GAME OR SOMETHING
  2. GO TO AN ART MUSEUM
  3. DON’T WRITE BLOGS – You have never had a blog that was a net social positive
  4. DON’T MAKE RADIO – Your podcasts consist of you in a locked room shouting at the walls while others stand behind a two way mirror, laughing at you.

In short, there is no path that leads to “something approaching happy” that brings you anywhere near the space on the internet that you now occupy.  You are swimming in a pool full of broken glass, rusted razor blades, used hypodermic needles, and sharks.  There’s no happiness until you get the fuck out and seek help.

Please, Zombie Horde.  Fill in any blanks I may have overlooked.

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

29 thoughts on “Social Butterfly Zombie Advice”

  1. "Two-way mirror"?

    Back when I was a strapping, callow youth, we called those "windows"!

    And they were single-pane glass! Stuck in the frames with glaziers putty! And, one the occasion one would be broken by the rocks or sticks we had as our only toys, well, we'd cut a new piece of glass, and replace it ourselves!

    We were men, half-animals, perhaps, but we FIXED stuff, with our TOOLS, before we'd cook MEAT over a new-fangled FLAME.

    And we'd talk about our WHEELS...

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  2. The one thing I can think of that could help him that PK didn't cover is this:
    Inevitably, in the course of conversation, you will discover that someone disagrees with you about something. Remember that this is okay. It's not a reason to be angry. It's not a reason to insult that person or demean them in any way. It's not even a reason to try persuading them to change their mind. It's especially not a reason to start making threats or even subtly imply that the person will come to harm because of their mindset. So don't do any of that. Just let that shit go. Smile and change the subject, or something.

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    1. Adding to both...do NOT discuss politics. Inevitably you will meet someone on the right. They will have opposite positions on subjects you may find important...follow AJ's advice above and CHANGE THE FUCKING SUBJECT. STAT!!! You'll find happiness again if you avoid those things that make you UNHAPPY.

      So if you DO stay on the internet...do not go to right wing sites, do not go to left wing sites. Look at the kitties or puppies or whatever cutesy animal tickles your fancy (Not your fanny...NO BUTT STUFF) on the net until you can be sure you have control of yourself and will stop with the over sharing...which is actually pretty dangerous.

      You just let the WORLD know that you now have a good wad of CASH. People know your name. Your address. Heck even exactly what apartment you are in...you could be an easy target for thugs.

      I'm serious here Bill. You really do need to take some of this advice to heart

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      1. This. Perfectly stated, Monitor.

        Notice how the best, most solid, and beneficial advice is coming from those whom BS has deemed his mortal enemies.

        And, those whom BS calls "friends" simply encourage him to stay on the same unhappy and destructive path.

        Bizarre.

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  3. You could put a round in the chamber, cock the hammer, taste the steel. You know, stuff like that!

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  4. Sane normal people do not discuss their bowl habits in public. They certainly don't go into detail about how they roll their shit into little balls and sniff them. Please stay away from this topic when down in the activity room.

    Woman in polite company really don't like to be called cunts, twats, whores, or any of the other fun words you so relish describing them as. Please refrain from these disparaging words when down in the activity room.

    Most men don't enjoy being called cum gargler, sweetheart, poop flaked, pink bottomed, hairless, or any of the other words that send a thrill up your leg when you use them to describe other men. Most men in fact do not subscribe to your proclivities. Please refrain from calling men these names when down in the activity room. Of course feel free to use them down at the Rainbow room while enjoying a leather clad embrace and some smooth JWR.

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  5. If you are living in a retirement community in Wisconsin and can't find a pitch or euchre game something is definitely wrong.

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  6. Knitting/crochet, croquet, feed the ducks/pigeons/squirrels, volunteer at the local soup kitchen/hospital/shelter, oil panting, fish keeping, ...

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    1. Hand crafts have been shown to be beneficial for those with arthritis and those with neurological issues. Some of it is "use it or lose it" and some is retraining muscles and creating new nerve pathways.

      And it makes for great presents. Folks aways appreciate handmade (or at least folks who are worth knowing do). A simple knit or crocheted scarf is always useful and that is was made by the giver often gives it value far above the cost of the materials and time used to make it. There are also many local charities which can use such gifts, such as those which give baby blankets to new mothers, or knit and crocheted hats to those undergoing chemo or scarves and mittens to the homeless.

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  7. "socially positive way to spend the rest of my days"

    1. Test subject for non-lethal use of force techniques by local Police
    2. Test subject for non-animal testing of new health care products
    3. Suicide prevention hot-line reference point: "Cheer up, fella, things could be THAT bad."
    4. Practice dummy for nearest MMA school.

    Seriously:
    0. Get off the internet!, and then:
    1. Volunteer at food bank, homeless shelter, or pet rescue agency
    2. Join or start a card game league at the home.
    3. Join a vet help agency (don't talk about your past)
    4. Volunteer at your local Democratic Party headquarters

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    1. Yes, volunteer with the local Democrat party. Ask to canvass neighborhoods.

      We'll turn Wisconsin into a permanently Republican state...

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  8. I know it is a bit absurd to take this topic very seriously because it is almost certainly useless. Nevertheless, here goes.

    I do not believe that redemption is possible to all. For example, a person who exploded a bomb at a high school football game, murdered a woman, and attempted to seduce a twelve year old girl could not do anything sufficient to warrant being more than a despised and shunned outcast.

    But to be fair, Witless Willie has not to my knowledge done anything of that level of depravity. He has been cruel, vicious, and vindictive, but he has not harmed anyone physically (that I know of). He has merely wasted other people's time and money in large quantities, and he has done his best to cause others severe annoyance and emotional pain. So it is conceptually possible that he could redeem himself.

    Of course, Willie would have to do a great deal of good to be worthy of being in decent company (ladling soup at a soup kitchen for a few hours a week is not going to cut it). And Willie has never shown any capacity to accomplish much of anything positive so I doubt that redemption is practically achievable for him. When he dies, I shall almost certainly feel that the world has been improved a tiny bit.

    All the advice given above might, if taken, make his life happier. I doubt he has the wit or ability to take it, and I see no reason why anyone other than Willie should give a rat's ass whether he is happier. It does not bother me at all if he continues to fester in the feculent swamp he has made of his life until he drowns in it.

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    1. I want to take issue (just a small one) with one thing you said here.

      In terms of the bomber/pedophile, I agree that redemption is not possible that guy at a societal level. He will never be someone that everyone looks at as he goes down the street and says, "What a great guy, he really turned his life around." Even if he really does turn his life around, his past cannot be erased in life. Because he has been and always will be judged by fallible humankind.

      However, personal and spiritual redemption is absolutely possible. We humans are entirely unqualified to decide if anything he has done or will do before he meets his maker is sufficient to set his books in balance.

      I'm certainly not saying he will achieve redemption. I am only arguing that he COULD.

      The same is true for all of us.

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  9. 1. Lose 150 pounds.
    2. Go to overeaters anonymous meetings
    3. Go to AA.
    4. Fill this out and volunteer for Bernie.

    https://go.berniesanders.com/page/signup/volunteer-for-bernie

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  10. You are a lying scumbag, Shakey. Just fucking kill yourself.

    https://twitter.com/WMSchmalfeldt/status/662334309748056064

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    1. Oh, for the love of all that's holy.

      The story used to be that he never told her what people said about her. Now, she *asked* him to take a picture to show someone who he was mocking? Nonsense.

      Among other things, Agile Dog never "mocked" that poor woman.

      So shut up, you fucking ghoul.

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      1. Also, we must believe that while Gail was fucking DYING, Shakey was entertaining her with his tales of all the terrible things the internet was saying about her such that she said "Hey fatass, why don't you take my picture and send it to them so they can see what an unholy mess I am?"

        Shakey, you are beyond reprehensible.

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    2. Then why didn't he send that photo to me? He never did - he sent it to my wife. He sent me three emails earlier that day - he knew my email address.

      William M Schmalfeldt Sr. is a lying scumbag, and a harasser of innocent women.

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  11. Get off the internet.

    Join an exercise class for seniors, it will make you feel better, and will help with your anger.

    Start going to church and bible study. Whether you are a believer or not, reaching out to the divine takes you out of yourself, and lends a perspective to your life.

    There are many, many activities for seniors, mostly free, some very low cost. Enjoy them, and stop trying to make radio shows.

    Finally, stay off the internet.

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  12. More advice:

    1. Look up "stalking"
    2. Look up "projection"
    3. Stop being a DUMBFUCK
    4. Don't forget to eat that bullet

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  13. “socially positive way to spend the rest of my days”

    There's always a late career change as a Tennessee Prison Bitch.

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