“If I could just come up with a socially positive way to spend the rest of my days, I might even be something approaching happy again.”
This is a surprisingly self-aware quote from a DUMBFUCK. In fact, it articulates an objective which is both noble and worthwhile. I should hope to be able to spend my own golden years in pursuit of such a virtuous goal.
Sadly, I don’t believe for a minute that DUMBFUCK is even a tiny bit serious.
So it received its $9000 insurance payout. Did it buy a grandfather clock? Did it buy a mobility scooter? Who knows?
I can confirm that it used a different computer to stalk this website yesterday than the one it had been using since it relocated. I imagine it’s got an All-In-One in the bedroom and the laptop next to the recliner…because OVERSHARE.
But let’s get back to that goal. I think we, the Lickspittle Zombie Horde, can help with that. How can we help a DUMBFUCK come up with socially positive ways to spend the rest of its days, and perhaps even nights?
Let’s have this be an open thread for that purpose, but of course anyone who truly believes that any sort of social redemption is not possible for a DUMBFUCK is welcome to express their thoughts as well.
I will get the ball rolling.
Tips For a Socially Positive Retirement
- SHUT OFF THE FUCKING COMPUTER – you will never change anyone’s opinion of you online.
- SHAVE – you look like a slob. This will hurt you later.
- LEAVE THE APARTMENT – you don’t want to be a shut-in? Get out.
- GO TO WHEREVER THE SOCIAL ACTIVITIES ARE IN YOUR BUILDING
- Introduce yourself
- Tell someone you want to learn to play
- Gin Rummy
- …or whatever else is going on. Other people like to feel useful and someone will teach you to play any of these games, EVEN IF YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW.
- Say “Please” and “Thank you.”
- And…BOOM! You made a friend. Congratulations!
- Engage in conversation. Topics to avoid:
- Cub Scouts
- Pee sticks and pooter holes
- Your recent widowerhood. When asked about your wife, just say, “She passed earlier this year. I’d rather not talk about it.” At least until you learn to control the OVERSHARE. Trust me, nobody wants to hear how she pissed herself all the way to her shoulders.
- Parkinsons Disease (except with others who share it)
- Lickspittles & Zombies (because NOBODY gives a fuck)
- INVITE SOMEONE TO A MOVIE OR A BUCKS GAME OR SOMETHING
- GO TO AN ART MUSEUM
- DON’T WRITE BLOGS – You have never had a blog that was a net social positive
- DON’T MAKE RADIO – Your podcasts consist of you in a locked room shouting at the walls while others stand behind a two way mirror, laughing at you.
In short, there is no path that leads to “something approaching happy” that brings you anywhere near the space on the internet that you now occupy. You are swimming in a pool full of broken glass, rusted razor blades, used hypodermic needles, and sharks. There’s no happiness until you get the fuck out and seek help.
Please, Zombie Horde. Fill in any blanks I may have overlooked.